DD crying because she's never picked at school

[GoblinAeroplane]

Looking for advice on how to approach this.

My DD is 6 years old. She is happy at school, regularly has playdates, is very active and social etc. However she has, not for the first time, come home really upset that she has not been chosen as a birthday helper for her classmates. Each child on their birthday chooses 2 helpers for the day who get to hand out party food, help make them a birthday crown, and a bunch of other stuff. My DD has never been chosen for this role by anyone this year.

As we're coming to the end of the year, she's realised her chance is up, and she's been crying and asking me 'what am I doing wrong'? I don't know how to answer. I'm trying to be reassuring but it's tough.

This is done throughout the school, not just this one class, and I'm annoyed that instead of building her confidence, the school are tearing it down. She says every birthday she closes her eyes really tight and wishes to be picked, but it never happens. She never says anything or makes a fuss as she doesn't want to ruin anyone's day, but she's gutted.

AIBU to talk to the school about this? Should I raise it with the teacher, or not get involved?

Any tips for how to talk about this with DD would also be greatly appreciated.

This is really sad and I don't know the answer, but I am really surprised that the school have time for this, even if it was worked out fairly.

How many kids are in your DD's class? And it happens every year? That's madness.

Pretty sure there's about 30 kids in my nieces classes. Who could be bothered? Sing them happy birthday and be done with it.

Poor thing. I'm sure the teacher means well, but it does seem a bit like a year long popularity contest. You could mention it to the teacher.

Nah this is horrible. It's one thing to teach your child that not everyone will want to be their friend/they won't be included in everything/to handle rejection etc, and another entirely for a SCHOOL to have a system that facilitates that. It's totally unacceptable and I would definitely be raising it. If they are going to persist with it it would be a good way to teach kids to be more inclusive actually. E.g. say child X picks child Y who has already been chosen before, teacher could say 'oh child X, child Y was a helper before, wouldn't it be nice to choose someone who hasn't been a helper yet? Could we choose OP's DD this time?'

I'm surprised they have time to do party food etc at school.

And yes - to hating the popularity contest.

I'd just tell dd that they chose 2 people out of 30 and so most don't get to do it.

Tell her she can make a card for people if she wants - they'd love that.

Then tell her in a 6yo way that she'll be grateful when this stupid crap ends and they can crack on with being real friends with people and not pipped against each other to hand out a plate of manky sandwiches and stale crisps

Oh no my heart is breaking for her. If the teacher is as you say head in the clouds type, I would deffo mention it to her tomorrow. Please let us know what happens.

Excuse me? It is not made up.

For those asking, her class size is 22 kids, and it happens in all schools over here as I'm not in the UK, I'm the Netherlands. It's the same in the workplace in that you bring cake, treats etc to the office on your birthday (but no helpers!)

I guess maybe it's normal for the Dutch, but as immigrants it's really startling and that's why I'm hesitating to bring it up or not - I don't want to highlight we're the foreigners, moaning about the Dutch customs.

I think this is awful and I would definitely have a chat with the teacher. Maybe a good time to do it so they can re think the system for next year.

You know @Seashor if you have doubts you can always Google.

Here’s a link for you about Dutch school traditions including the birthday helpers.

https://www.iamexpat.nl/education/education-news/surviving-dutch-school-traditions-and-habits

This is it! Thank you!

The paper hat part is the crown I was trying to describe, I'm not sure why I described it as a crown, that was a bit of a stretch!

But this is exactly what I'm talking about, it's a really big deal over here. But when you live in another country, you can't just challenge the customs that have been around a long time. But nor can I just watch my 6 year old cry. I don't want to be 'that parent', but I need to look after her.

But then Dutch kids are regularly voted happiest in Europe, so maybe this really does build resilience!

As soon as you wrote Birthday and crown I knew you must be in Netherlands. I had no idea about the birthday helper thing though.

Hugs to your DD.

Indeed. A song and a few sweets at the end of the day is all that's needed and is enough for any child.
No need for all the other stuff and in the OP's case, just causes needless upset.
Besides, the day is far too crammed with learning anyway, as it should.

Ugh I hate this sort of thing and really think teachers should know better. When my twins were in year 1 the teacher got all the kids to make a star and give it to someone they thought was " a shining star" obviously some kids got loads but a few kids got none and at least 2 I saw came out crying. Why would anyone think that's a good activity for 5 & 6 year olds?? Luckily my twins gave each other their stars so they were happy enough. Felt awful for the sad kids though.

20 children aren’t chosen. Ask her who she’s is going to choose and if she could try and choose someone who is never chosen and give them the happiness she hasn’t had? People who always get chosen never feel that particular sadness of being overlooked but she will never leave someone out now because that can be her superpower. Make her strong and admire her bravery.

But if it is 22 kids and only the popular ones chosen then most of the class presumably doesn't get a turn. ? How would you feel if the teacher picked and your child got the 2 that happened to be hopeless at making crowns or were clumsy and very likely to drop the goodies?

Of course that doesn't mean it is any easier for the child who hasn't had a turn and is upset by it. Maybe you can say as she has lots of friends they all thought someone else would choose her, so they chose someone different

^ This

It's OK for kids to feel sad, we don't need to rescue them from their feelings. That way they won't feel 'heard' or that their feelings are in some way 'wrong'.

[Hopefully in the grand scheme of things as she gets older she'll learn that popularity is subjective and superficial, changes regularly, and isn't a reliable barometer of who you actually are as a person. You can be popular and still feel lonely, unvalued, anxious etc.]

Ah it’s shit, and they do the same at my daughters school (birthday child can choose a friend to hand out cake etc). Wonder if you could talk to your daughter about striking up a deal with her pals. My dd friends set up a system between them quite spontaneously when they were Y2ish, where they nominate each other in turn as they’d spotted an injustice of someone getting multiple call ups, and others none. It’s quite funny hearing them work it out so nobody left out. I suppose I hadn’t considered there might still be kids beyond her immediate network who don’t get a chance. But I was impressed that they’d worked out a system at a fairly young age to stop them all feeling rejected.

This sounds ridiculous. Poor kids having birthdays in the summer holiday and having to be assigned a fake birthday. It's not fair and it's quite a mean system for little 6 year olds but it is what it is. Does your DD have a best friend? Could you help her make a best friend, because if you could then her best friend could nominate your DD on her birthday and your DD could nominate her best friend on hers. I think I'd be helping her to find a bestie and I'd be inviting this girl on playdates and trips out in the school holidays with DD. Basically I'd try to sort it out for her without speaking to the teacher.

I’d be really cross and having a word with the headteacher!

That would be so much nicer and fairer so all children can experience making the stupid crown.

I'd go in and speak to the teacher in a 'dd is upset, how can we help her' way - rather than a 'change your stupid traditions' way.

If it's the case that not everyone gets chosen, I would just empathise with your dd that it isn't fair, and you don't always get to do everything even though you really want to. Maybe encourage her to pick unpopular children as her birthday helpers.

I was just reading this thinking it sounded totally normal and was very surprised by posters who found it strange… we are also in the Netherlands. Can you maybe focus on the special part being when it is her birthday and she can pick her helpers rather than the helper part? Does she have any close friends where she can just ask them to choose her to be the helper for their birthday? The Dutch are quite direct and I have definitely heard these types of conversations amongst my children and their friends.

I wouldn’t bring it up, expats complaining about Dutch customs doesn’t really go across well although I completely understand why people are saying this is a flawed system due to what you are describing.

I'm sure the people of the Netherlands are grateful for your insight. Nothing a country enjoys more than being told they are doing it wrong.

@GoblinAeroplane as this is a big thing in the Netherlands I really don't think you complaining is going to get you anywhere.

Oh, I had birthday helpers in a few different years when I was younger. It had nothing to do with being a popularity contest, it was just so that the birthday kid could choose one or two of their friends to help pass out treats and whatever. Part of the birthday treat was getting to sit by your friends in class since we were usually split up. This was in the UK though.

She said she’s sitting with her eyes squeezed shut hoping to be picked. Have you reminded her that if you want someone to pick you for something you need to sit up and look at the person? Shutting her eyes is likely giving a mixed message that she doesn’t want to be picked. Presumably she hasn’t been doing this all year but a reminder wouldn’t hurt.