DD crying because she's never picked at school

[GoblinAeroplane]

Looking for advice on how to approach this.

My DD is 6 years old. She is happy at school, regularly has playdates, is very active and social etc. However she has, not for the first time, come home really upset that she has not been chosen as a birthday helper for her classmates. Each child on their birthday chooses 2 helpers for the day who get to hand out party food, help make them a birthday crown, and a bunch of other stuff. My DD has never been chosen for this role by anyone this year.

As we're coming to the end of the year, she's realised her chance is up, and she's been crying and asking me 'what am I doing wrong'? I don't know how to answer. I'm trying to be reassuring but it's tough.

This is done throughout the school, not just this one class, and I'm annoyed that instead of building her confidence, the school are tearing it down. She says every birthday she closes her eyes really tight and wishes to be picked, but it never happens. She never says anything or makes a fuss as she doesn't want to ruin anyone's day, but she's gutted.

AIBU to talk to the school about this? Should I raise it with the teacher, or not get involved?

Any tips for how to talk about this with DD would also be greatly appreciated.

Are there other children who have never been picked, or is it literally just your daughter?

You would expect that children would pick their best friends, rather than picking the children they perceive as ‘popular’. I haven’t worked with children that young but I do volunteer with them, and when asked to choose people they always pick their friends so I’d be surprised if it actually is the same children again and again. You’ve said she has play dates, are they with people in her class?

Oh, your poor daughter.

It sounds like a ridiculous popularity contest. If they're going to do something like this the school should assign kids the role and ensure everyone gets a turn.

I didn't realise how strange it would sound to people not familiar with the Netherlands. I'm British and when I went to school we celebrated birthdays - I didn't realise it had changed to the point the biggest challenge to my AIBU would be whether it's true, or I've made up a really crap story about paper crowns 😂

@caringcarer and @HipHipWhoRay - I like your suggestions, I hadn't thought to tackle it from that angle. She does have a best friend in her class, but her birthday was at the beginning of the year and she and my daughter didn't know each other really yet (this is their first year in this class, it's a newly merged class). There's a good chance if she had to choose now she'd pick my DD. Maybe I'll organize some extra playdates etc and try to strengthen that friendship.

Still seems daft that in amongst my FT job and balancing 3 kids (DD is my oldest) I'm also now playing match-maker for my 6 year old 😆the things we do for our kids!

This is the only thing (that I'm aware of) wher she gets left out.

It's a village primary school and there's 4 other kids from her class who live in 'our part' - they are forever knocking-on to see if she can go out to play, it's almost daily now the weather's nice, so I know she's liked. She has playdates with kids from her class and others, probably about 50/50.

There is one girl who has been chosen about 7 or 8 times this year, she's the oldest in the class, maybe that is part of the appeal. She said she's the only one never to have been picked, but I'm sure that can't be true, to her it just feels like it.

Was she new at the beginning of the year? Maybe you could remind her that back then, people hadn’t got to know her yet. And now she’s made lots of friends (examples you’ve just given of them calling round). Birthdays are just one day, but they’re picking you on loads of other days by popping round to ask you to play.

For her closing her eyes - they have to. Each child sits at their desk, eyes closed and head on the desk. Birthday child walks around the room and taps the helpers on the head. Teachers tells everyone to sit up, and invites the chosen helpers to stand up and walk to the front of the class while everyone claps.

So no chance for her to make eye contact or anything, she just said she squeezes her eyes closed everytime and wishes for a tap on the head.

Gosh that’s so weird. The applause as well 🤨

The whole class was new - in group 1&2 your in a pre-school class, then all the kids at 6 get moved to group 3 where the classes are re-formed. So DD has an early birthday and picked the only 2 girls who had been in her pre-school class as she didn't know anyone yet.

But it's a really good point about her having had more chance now to get to know people better. As long as she gets picked at some point next year, otherwise I've really no fall back!

can you ascertain if its always the same few people who are picked (ie a very small pool of “popular” people), or whether pretty much everyone has been picked but just not her? Former sounds very cliquey, latter maybe more just like bad luck?

is it a mixed school or girls only?

It's not great but because the children choose their helpers, what can the teacher do?
You could speak to the parent council rep for your class, and ask them to put it on the agenda for the next meeting.

Now I know it's a Dutch tradition I don't think you can challenge it really, or even ask for a rota because of course the birthday child chooses their two best friends.

I think you can tell the teacher she's upset about it and ask the teacher to give her - and any others who haven't had a go all year - to do another important job to boost their confidence.

I'd double check too that there isn't a reason she isn't being picked. You won't want to think about it, but worth checking she isn't bossy at playtime or something.

Then it's using it as a resilience tool as best you can and playing the game next year now you know play dates and impressive snacks are what's required if you both really do care about it enough.

That is awful. I was always left out in primary school, it doesn’t teach resilience, it teaches you to try and be invisible and removes any self confidence. I would talk to the teacher about it. Can you bring in something special for your DDs birthday. Can DD request to be her own birthday helper? If no one has picked her, then she shouldn’t have to pick anyone.

Aw this makes me sad 😭I know it would upset my little DD too who is a similar age. I don’t get why the teacher can’t pick the birthday helpers so everyone gets a turn. I would definitely mention it to the teacher or to the school. I think it’s important they get bud feedback. I’m sure they think it’s done for the right reasons as a little treat but it’s not good if kids like your DD are feeling left out and excluded.

So the Dutch already blame 'the foreigners' for losing their Zwarte Piet tradition, which was a Christmas time black-face thing which has been pared back in recent years. So I don't want yo be the foreigner that can't even keep quiet about the school birthday tradition.

I doubt she's intentionally being left out she's the youngest in her class and definitely not a bossy leader, she's definitely a follower. Maybe the leaders are the ones being chosen more and I should encourage her to be a bit 'bigger' with her friendship group.

As for getting involved with playdates etc, I feel I have to. She's had a year of disappointment which is reliience building enough, now I just need her to be picked once in the next year and it's done!

It's a mixed school, just the average Dutch village primary school up the road. Nothing hoity-toity or anything about it (apart from this nonsense!)

I think it's just needing to wait until it's closer friends that have their birthdays. Could she play at "birthdays" with her friends. Do they decorate the chair at school as well?

I had a chance to mention it to the teacher at home time. I feigned the ignorant foreigner and asked if the birthday 'nonsense' would be happening next year or was it just for the younger groups. She confirmed it was for all groups and I said "good to know, as DD has come home very upset and crying at never having been chosen as a helper, and I am trying to talk her through it". The teacher smiled and said "good that you are talking to her about it".

And that was the end of the conversation. So I have my answer - the teachers and school know that some kids get upset by it, but they don't care. I wish I hadn't asked, her reaction has made me more angry that I was originally! I feel like going back and saying "you made her cry, you talk to her about it!"

But I sal take it on myself to encourage some of her stronger friendships, and let DD know that it's okay to have these feelings, but best not to dwell on the small stuff.

I wish I hadn't asked

Well you certainly shouldn't have asked in the rude way that you did!

What did I say that was rude? I was perfectly polite - if you mean the word 'nonsense' I put that in marks because I was joking, I didn't really use that word! I used the Dutch word for the birthday celebrations, how they call it. I spoke in Dutch, just trying to give a loose translation.

I get that it's hard for you, but it's your job as a parent, to help your child as a last resort.
It sounds like the teacher is right that it's good you're working with your child on this, as it's good practise for both you and your child.
It will get harder as they get older, and trust me you won't be able to helicopter in and fix everything that causes difficult feelings in your child

I'm so sorry to hear this has happened with your daughter. I didn't get picked much for popularity things at school so I know the feeling.

If it were me (and knowing that this is going to go on through the rest of primary school), I might hold a summer party, do crown-making of some sort as an activity, so your daughter has an opportunity for her friends to see that she is good at it. Maybe they'll remember when it comes to picking birthday helper time next year...

I have to laugh at the "rude" comment. Generally the Dutch language is direct, they also let their DC grow up "free" and sorting things out for themselves with fewer boundaries than the typical UK family would.

I think this is probably a cultural difference. We tend to be a bit more 'everyone gets a participation trophy' and want to avoid children having negative feelings, maybe they take more of a 'life is unfair sometimes' approach and value talking children through it and accepting negative feelings.

Who knows which approach is better.

That is beyond cruel. I’m so sorry.