DD crying because she's never picked at school

[GoblinAeroplane]

Looking for advice on how to approach this.

My DD is 6 years old. She is happy at school, regularly has playdates, is very active and social etc. However she has, not for the first time, come home really upset that she has not been chosen as a birthday helper for her classmates. Each child on their birthday chooses 2 helpers for the day who get to hand out party food, help make them a birthday crown, and a bunch of other stuff. My DD has never been chosen for this role by anyone this year.

As we're coming to the end of the year, she's realised her chance is up, and she's been crying and asking me 'what am I doing wrong'? I don't know how to answer. I'm trying to be reassuring but it's tough.

This is done throughout the school, not just this one class, and I'm annoyed that instead of building her confidence, the school are tearing it down. She says every birthday she closes her eyes really tight and wishes to be picked, but it never happens. She never says anything or makes a fuss as she doesn't want to ruin anyone's day, but she's gutted.

AIBU to talk to the school about this? Should I raise it with the teacher, or not get involved?

Any tips for how to talk about this with DD would also be greatly appreciated.

Off topic @GoblinAeroplane but what does three-time date mean in your sentence 'the teacher assigns them a three-time date to be their birthday' ? I can't work it out!

I know it's a tradition from reading the thread but YANBU. It's a shame that it's up to the children to do the picking but I'm not sure what you can do about it, apart from boost DD's self esteem in other ways.

Well apparently Dutch kids are the happiest in the world. Not sure how that’s measured though!

The fact that the school assign a birthday tells me enough. Your poor daughter, she sounds so thoughtful practicing her crowns. I'd say something it might make them realise that it's a stupid system.

They assign a birthday for the kids who would otherwise miss out because their birthday is during the school holidays. That's actually a good thing.

Based on this thread, a plausible explanation is that they teach them from a young age to accept all emotions including the uncomfortable ones, so they don't get wrapped up in anxiety and people pleasing as they get older!
Whereas if Mumsnet is representative of British parents, that learning is actively sabotaged by parents here.

Ah I didn't spot the typo, it was supposed to say 'term-time', so the kids who have birthdays in the holidays are assigned a school-birthday so they still have their special day and don't miss out

Dutch kids are definitely left to their own devices a lot from a young age; no parent led play, they play outside with friends in all weather pretty much every day. They're expected to navigate situations themselves without parents getting involved (hence my hesitation with this situation). It seems to work as Dutch kids and Dutch teenagers regularly vote themselves the happiest, and I don't want to interfere, as it will presumably make DD stronger. But the mum.part of me just sees my 6 year old crying and wants to make things better for her.

I'm raising Dutch kids without a Dutch parenting mentality and it's a real clash sometimes, I guess that's the crux of the problem.

Sounds like it will be tough on you with the clash but hopefully rewarding in the end! Keep us updated with any tips from the other side🙂

@GoblinAeroplane this in a nutshell your parenting desires are a clash with the Dutch culture to be "free" - frei if memory services me right.

My friends were discipline their then 3 year old by restricting her to playing in the garden (she had gone somewhere she had been told not to) and she was there calling out to everyone how she was in prison 😆 they were considered very strict parents for having healthy boundaries and imposing totally reasonable consequences.

Have you read "the Undutchables" I mean it's at least 30 years old so probably a bit dated but I howled with laughter.

Thanks @GoblinAeroplane I'm an idiot 🙈😂 should have been able to work it out if I had my brain in gear!

I would be telling my daughter she's got off lightly without the pressure to perform, and suggest she makes the teacher a crown for the last day to prove her skills.

The fact it's happening through the school suggests it's some ridiculous thing dreamed up by either the head or governors or some pushy mum on the PTA and the head doesn't have the balls to say no. There was once a pushy mum on the PTA who really really wanted a rule putting in about costumes for world book Day been home made and not bought from the shop, she also wanted to ban the princess and superhero costumes. She was a SAHP with school age children, loved sewing so made all the Nativity costumes and was queen bee of the PTA. The head at the time (only lasted a year before moving on) said she was highly valuable and decided it was home made costumes preferred for WBD and said we had to give the awards to the best and most inspired home made costumes. Of course all of her children won that year.

I have encountered something similar to this birthday thing (the 3 American teachers did something along these lines) in a school I worked in but no-one else did. I always thought it was a bit of a culture thing as the 3 American teachers always did the whole audition for parts and everyone votes for who did the best audition, birthday hoo harr thing where the birthday child is basically put on a pedestal for the day, everything was a popularity contest in their classes and I know lots of parents were unhappy (and a few ta's and 1-1s who worked in their classes didn't like it) but teachers were and still are in short supply and their observations showed they were "good" or "outstanding" teachers.

I was an overlooked child at school. I always had a list and made sure everyone had a fair turn at everything - even main parts of plays were rotated much to the chagrin of the drama club parents who were very angry that their little darlings were not the main parts every time. Everyone got star of the week at least 1x and I used to put the quiet ones up for it more. I also had other little awards that were for things like working hard all the time, trying your best, sitting nicely on the carpet all the time, playing nicely at playtime, always following instructions or using manners all the little things that are often overlooked, all those little things also got big points (5points) on class dojo (we were allowed to put our own values on points for a bit) so they used to get certificates more often (certificates every 25 points).

@Caffeineislife nope it's a long standing Dutch tradition, in all/most Dutch schools.

Not the point.but I really fucking wish they'd stop the dressing up for WBD!

That’s a really awful idea. I’d be telling school that I thought so, too.

I think you have a problem for not being very angry when you see your baby crying. Hes 2 years old? Really? Come on,maan. Be angry,lady. It will make you feel better. 😘😘

@RandomMess something I didn't know.

I knew from your first few posts that this was not a UK school, and after another post, I thought to myself, I bet she's in the Netherlands! My husband is half Dutch, and we lived there for some years when our kids were little, one was born there. I'm afraid there's lots of examples of this kind of tradition and behaviour in schools and in the culture in general. It's one of the reasons why I hated living there, and was glad to escape!

I do think it's very much a cultural thing and over a long number of years I have become used to do DH and his family and the bluntness of their ways. I wouldn't like it if I still lived there, but I agree that you will be picked out as the snowflake foreigner if you complain about this, particularly if you live in a rural village, rather than in one of the major cities, where there are likely to be more international students in the class.

@00100001 me too. It was unnecessary for the most part, caused loads of parent stress, hyped all the kids up, became very much show off my Disney/marvel dressing up collection. The home made costume thing was a disaster as very few parents had the time or energy to be making home made costumes.

I certainly don't have the time and energy to come up with creative outfits for every dress up/ wear __ day going at DCs nursery.

It was really nice the year we just did bring in a book, reading activities and fun story times where the big ones came and read to the little ones for a bit and then each of the KS2 classes did a mini show (5- 10 mins) for one of the ks1 and reception classes. The kids could either choose to come down and read a story to a small group of 2 or 3 kids or could be in the show. We had lots of readers that year and the drama inclined did the show. Loved that head, she had school aged DC, worked full time and just got it.

It sounds bonkers to me - but if it is a cultural tradition that goes on everywhere, I guess those who embrace it find merit in it.

I would invite a few friends round for a summer party at your house, and your DD could make crowns for them all and hand round the food - bugger the school thinking it's OK to leave kids out, make it happen for her at home.

I'm so glad I posted this question here, I don't think I would've linked this to cultural differences if I hadn't. I moved to the Netherlands straight after uni, I've been here nearly 15 years so I thought my days of cultural differences were long gone. I see now, with my kids starting primary school, I've a whole new realm of Dutch-ness to navigate! Thanks to all for engaging with this thread and helping me realise this.

I check-in with some Dutch mom friends to ask how they would deal with this, and they all come back with (some variation of) the same response:

Give DD a big hug.
"Aw that's a shame, but you'll just have to wait. It's not about you, it's about the birthday boy/girl"
Then move on.

Seems a bit brutal to me for a 6 year old, but I guess I'll follow the social norm. I wouldn't want yo be a helicopter parent, but this seems like parenting from another continent... we'll see how it goes!

In the spirit of finishing a thread, I do promise to come back next year with an update on whether she was chosen :)