To ignore my elderly neighbour?

[RallyB]

Due to his racist remarks.

He is very elderly and alone. We moved next to him literally just before Covid took hold and so for the best part of a year it was an ‘over the fence’ getting to know him situation. Polite conversations and I found out through conversation he lost his wife a year before we moved there. No children of their own. Apart from his sister he literally has no family and no living friends.

I felt so sorry for him. Due to covid me and DH would pick up essentials for him and leave it on his doorstep and when restrictions relaxed id take over home cooked meals as he said he just eats microwave meals.

He would tell me about the war, his wife, what it was like in our area back in the day, his really interesting job before retirement. A really lovely little old man who was endearing and sweet. He always asked about the children, work, my family life. We felt really lucky to have such a lovely neighbour.

Fast forward to about 8 months ago and he made a racist remark in conversation. I can’t remember what it was exactly but it shocked me, he rambles and mumbles a lot when he talks so I thought I must’ve misheard him but he then said something else (again can’t remember what). I naturally withdrew. I would check in now and again and if I saw him in the garden then I’d always say hello and ask how he’s getting on but that’s about it. It’s obvious too because he used to call every couple of weeks and I would too but I just haven’t been. I’m also back to work after mat leave so not in the house as much as I once was.

He has a carer now, I’ve noticed a man who appears to be of west Asian descent going in the house once per week.

Out in the garden today and I see my neighbour and I ask him how he’s getting on etc and how his new carer is. His response:

‘Oh yes I have a new carer. A young lad. He’s very good and managed to get me a mobility scooter which has helped. He’s a Muslim though, not that I hold that against him’

So I responded ‘of course not. Why would you?’

He ignored my question and started to talk about something else as he always does. He then said ‘I was in the hospital last week, we need to get more English nurses in there, everybody is foreign and can’t speak a word of English. They won’t let English people become nurses anymore and it’s a real shame.’

I then made my excuses and went inside the house.

AIBU to just ignore him? DH understands my point but because he’s elderly and alone he says we should still check in on him regularly and make sure he’s ok.

If I see him out in the garden I avoid going outside but harder now that the weather is nicer and DC are out playing in the garden.

I know it's no excuse but this really is a different generation with different views that haven't kept up with the times. I had an elderly woman next door in her 90s who never married. We had two hospitals in the borough. Whenever she had to go into hospital she always insisted the ambulance took her to the one furthest away. We asked her niece one day why she did it. She said you know why that is, don't you? She wont say it but she thinks there are too many black nurses there so she likes to go to the other one instead.

You sound lovely, Cycle, kind-hearted and tolerant.

In the 1960s I remember being told to call black people ‘coloured’ because it was politer, and maybe that then spread to other ethnicities too. I’m sad that younger people now think ‘coloured’ was meant as an insult.

Unfortunately ‘Paki’ did become an insult, which is a shame.

I have said twice that I am not in England. You clearly can't read .

If you can make assertions about the absence of English testing, so can I. In the UK an English test must be passed on any type of residential visa.
And clearly you don't know what racism is.

He sounds ignorant rather than racist based on what you've said and that's typical of his generation, so I would expect him to have these thoughts even if he hadn't verbalised anything. Not sure why you are surprised; you decided to befriend someone of that generation and it does generally come with the territory. I doubt you will be able to help change his mind. His nurse may open his mind up, but assuming you are also white British then it's not going to make a difference. I think YABU to ditch him over this because frankly I don't know why you are surprised by this. It was the values he was brought up with and doesn't really say anything deeper about him as a person and the respect he has for people on an individual level which surely matters far more than some generalised senseless comments.

Nope. It offends the new sort of woman, apparently.

Me and you live in different countries. So you talking about what happens in the UK, is not really relevant and doesn't disprove what I am saying happens in my country.

Im pointin out that you assumed I was in the UK, simply because you were in the UK. That is self centred of you at best.

It is one thing to assume that a stranger on here is from the UK. But I had already repeatedly said that I was not in the UK, and you disregarded that, and still assumed that I was in the UK.

People saying the generational aspect shouldn't be a thing are off the mark I'd say.
He's 90 odd and lived a very different life to how we do now.
He said that he didn't hold his carer being Muslim against him and he probably can't understand what 'foreign' nurses are saying to him! My ears are shit and I'm only in my 50s!
Things were even completely different when I was at primary school 40 odd years ago and people wouldn't dream of saying things now like they did back then!
I'm of an age where I can understand and evolve but he's bloody 90 and has barely anyone around him. I'd give him some slack if he was my neighbour. Oh and no, I wouldn't cut him off.

Mumsnet has a reputation of being very racist, and I can see why. So many enablers saying "oh but he's just an old man", "it's his generation" blablabla which is absolute bullshit and the weakest excuse possible. If you enable racism, you are no better than the racist themselves. 86 or 98 - there is no excuse for racism. None whatsoever.

I hate to break it to you. Your mum was not a racist. Its not just words but intent.

the neighbour in this case is racist. Lets be real, half of the posters defending this man on here are racist themselves.

Ignoring him is pointless and cruel in a way. Just correct him each time like you did once before. He'll have learned from his own parents and has no children of his own to pull him into this generation. He won't understand why you've pulled back and will think you just can't be bothered with him anymore.

My elderly aunt and uncle say similar but as a statement of fact - “I struggle to understand their accent, they are Asian, Polish, African etc”.

They are not being racist, just stating that they cannot understand a foreign accent as easily as an English one. He sounds similar.

I think your husband is right, OP.

The man has said nothing derogatory or hateful about either his Muslim carer or the profilrance of foreign nurses in the NHS.
Stating an observation or fact that they're not Caucasian and he has difficulty understanding them or their accent is not racist. He hasn't said he doesn't like them or his carer. Just like you could say that some regional accents are hard to tune in to if you're not familiar with them.
Racism isn't stating fact it is having a hatred because of ethnic origin, which he hasn't shown.
As this man is old he will have integrated less with nationals from other countries, being vulnerable and frail enough for a carer, finding his health practitioners hard to understand must be frustrating too.
I'm sue that if his carer is kind and compassionate he will understand that everyone can be kind and helpful regardless of race or appearance.

Such a lack of understanding about age-related conditions. Almost half of people over 65 experience some memory loss, and I’m not even talking about dementia. This would include remembering the right words to explain something.
Sure, we can all joke when we forget where we put our phones, or show compassion when we might eventually need glasses, a hearing aid, or mobility device.
But when aging affects your ability to communicate, in even minor ways, we get ignorant and sanctimonious responses like this.
I've worked in age-related care so I know what I’m talking about regarding communication. Those who do not experience any form of memory loss are incredibly fortunate.

Oh, so now because elderly people get forgetful, that automatically means they will descend into racism. I've heard it all now! Dementia/forgetfulness does not make you say racist things. Some posters are so utterly desperate to excuse racism.

This. There are a lot of generational things and being alone messes with your head. I would just say I disagree and explain when he says objectionable things.

Can you see the difference between saying "I struggle to understand X accent" and "they can't speak a word of English"? Two very different statements.

CaroleSinger · Today 15:41

I know it's no excuse but this really is a different generation with different views that haven't kept up with the times. I had an elderly woman next door in her 90s who never married. We had two hospitals in the borough. Whenever she had to go into hospital she always insisted the ambulance took her to the one furthest away. We asked her niece one day why she did it. She said you know why that is, don't you? She wont say it but she thinks there are too many black nurses there so she likes to go to the other one instead.

The example here is not a "generational difference". The woman was an out and out racist. I seriously hope the paramedics took no notice of her "preference" for a hospital where she didn't have to have the "indignity" of being looked after by scary black nurses. Jesus.

👏🏿

I'm going through the fucking menopause and at any given moment, the word I want drops out of my head completely, to the extent that after it had been happening for a while I consulted my GP in case it was early-onset dementia. It was absolutely no laughing matter.

It still hasn't turned me into a racist, funnily enough.

Just let it go. He sounds old and out of tough but he’s from a different generation. Distance yourself if you feel you must but other than that just leave it.

Are these rhetorical questions? If not, I reiterate that I respect elderly people. In fact I invariably have far more in common with them than people my own age (20s) who I rarely enjoy being around.