To ignore my elderly neighbour?

[RallyB]

Due to his racist remarks.

He is very elderly and alone. We moved next to him literally just before Covid took hold and so for the best part of a year it was an ‘over the fence’ getting to know him situation. Polite conversations and I found out through conversation he lost his wife a year before we moved there. No children of their own. Apart from his sister he literally has no family and no living friends.

I felt so sorry for him. Due to covid me and DH would pick up essentials for him and leave it on his doorstep and when restrictions relaxed id take over home cooked meals as he said he just eats microwave meals.

He would tell me about the war, his wife, what it was like in our area back in the day, his really interesting job before retirement. A really lovely little old man who was endearing and sweet. He always asked about the children, work, my family life. We felt really lucky to have such a lovely neighbour.

Fast forward to about 8 months ago and he made a racist remark in conversation. I can’t remember what it was exactly but it shocked me, he rambles and mumbles a lot when he talks so I thought I must’ve misheard him but he then said something else (again can’t remember what). I naturally withdrew. I would check in now and again and if I saw him in the garden then I’d always say hello and ask how he’s getting on but that’s about it. It’s obvious too because he used to call every couple of weeks and I would too but I just haven’t been. I’m also back to work after mat leave so not in the house as much as I once was.

He has a carer now, I’ve noticed a man who appears to be of west Asian descent going in the house once per week.

Out in the garden today and I see my neighbour and I ask him how he’s getting on etc and how his new carer is. His response:

‘Oh yes I have a new carer. A young lad. He’s very good and managed to get me a mobility scooter which has helped. He’s a Muslim though, not that I hold that against him’

So I responded ‘of course not. Why would you?’

He ignored my question and started to talk about something else as he always does. He then said ‘I was in the hospital last week, we need to get more English nurses in there, everybody is foreign and can’t speak a word of English. They won’t let English people become nurses anymore and it’s a real shame.’

I then made my excuses and went inside the house.

AIBU to just ignore him? DH understands my point but because he’s elderly and alone he says we should still check in on him regularly and make sure he’s ok.

If I see him out in the garden I avoid going outside but harder now that the weather is nicer and DC are out playing in the garden.

Carers do not have to pass an English exam. How can you say that, like you can speak for every nursing home everywhere.

I looked at the nursing home near me. Job adverts don't include anything about having a minimum level of English.

I also know a lady who works in a nursing home. I just asked her there. She said they do not make foreign carers take an English test. That if you have a level 5 health care certificate, that's enough.

So the first apparent racist remark was so shocking that you can’t even remember it. Then he made an offhand comment about a person’s religion, not race. He’s clearly a product of his generation, he’s isolated and alone and very elderly.

Some of the sanctimoniousness on this thread is ridiculous. Is the answer to completely ignore this lonely elderly man and leave him to his isolation? What would the point of that be? I’d bet if and when you get to your 80s and 90s you’ll be saying things that are not in line with the cultural norm of the day. In fact, it’s very possible that you already are. I’ve seen enough evidence of it on here in the apparent “feminist” threads.

Oh my god . Read my post before you comment.
I didn't say they were nurses. I said they were health care assistants. I also said that I'm in Ireland. Read!

It does have relevance, as the OP thinks her neighbour is racist because he said his nurses don't speak a word of English. I was pointing out that this isnt possibly racist, old people can get scared when nurses can't understand them

@Mooshamoo

It literally doesn't have relevance. All the staff have to pass English exams. So your statement is simply untrue.

I bet if you spoke to him he would be genuinely horrified he had upset you OP.

I don't agree with racism and it's totally not the point but I have a nurse friend and she has recently changed jobs because she was the only English nurse on her ward and all the other nurses would speak their own language in the staff room and it was very isolating for her.

My parents are the same age as your neighbour and are racist and I spend little time with them, it's just so uncomfortable. The older they get the more racist they get and the louder they speak and it is just so awful. I can’t change their minds no matter how much I try so I give up.

Being rude enough to correct a very elderly man, who's made a couple of remarks the OP doesn't like, IS virtue signalling and very disrespectful.

@Floppyelf No I am not a doormat. Just a neighbour with compassion for an elderly and perhaps confused old man. Many of my relatives work in the NHS (Doctors nurses and other roles). As part of these roles they very often come across dementia patients and people who have lost some degree of cognitive ability. Some of these people will use racist language. Such behaviour is never acceptable but it does not stop us caring.

What is this NONSENSE about medical staff in hospitals not being able to speak English? You reveal so much about yourselves when you make these kind of statements. Do you think NHS administrators who are strapped for cash are willingly handing over large sums of money to staff who can’t even speak English? Bunkum! Some staff have strong accents which may cause issues but the main issue I encountered in my many years working in the NHS was a kind of ‘brain freeze’ some British people have when they encounter unfamiliar foreign accents.

I spent most of my childhood in Africa. I had no problem understanding South Asian and Filipino colleagues in the NHS as an adult despite not being exposed to these accents as a child. A large part of the problem is that there are a large number of British people who converse mostly in colloquial English or regional dialect and expect everyone else to understand them. Foreign medical staff use standard English with some language usage particular to the area of the world they are from. It takes people some time to understand terms like ‘spend a penny’, ‘waterworks’, number one and number two. But that’s not the fault of foreign medical staff.

Health care assistants do not have to pass English exams. Where are you getting that from?

Times change. I grew up in the early nineties and it was widely acceptable to call the newsagents the p**I shop. No way would that be acceptable these days, nor it should be!

I think he’s very elderly and you need to cut him a bit of slack. There doesn’t seem any malice behind his comments.

it wouldn’t harm to give him a gentle nudge when he starts though, “it’s not really appropriate to say things like that these days” or something along those lines.

The naivety. Are you serious. You really think that every staff member in hospitals and nursing homes speak English? They certainly don't.

Even in the OP's post, her neighbour was complaining about the hospital staff not speaking a word of english

No they don't.

Times change, He obviously doesn't mix in circles that would have corrected and 'educated' him.

He doesn't deserve to be alone because of outdated views. He can be pulled up on them but not ignored

What about all the many decades between when he grew up and now?

Biggest load of rubbish- elderly brought up racist! My in-laws are white and I am black African and I have never heard a racist word. They are in their late 70s/80s.

It’s seems like you’ve found out why he’s all alone. No sympathy at all. He’s had years to realise racism isn’t acceptable. You reap what you sow and all that.

Interesting how so many posters here are happily marking ageist comments whilst calling this old man racist 🙄

You have to pass an English test to even enter the country. Clearly don't have a clue.

You are completely reasonable to feel affronted and let down after giving him so much support.
I would however not leave him wondering what he has done wrong. I would simply very gently say that his remarks about people of other ethnicities have upset you and made you feel unwelcome. While you appreciate that he has seen a lot of change in his long life time, immigrants to this country are its backbone. The NHS, and many other services and industries would grind to a halt without them. And then say you would prefer if he did not make comments about peoples religion and where they come from.

That's what I wanted to say.

Normally I hate, 'well it's generational', but if he's in his late 80s or 90s with no children/grandchildren the odds are he's just saying what was normal 'back in the day'

I'm horrified looking back on the things my parents used to say but that was then. Thankfully most of us have moved on. But there's still a way to go...

To enter which country? Are you assuming that everyone on here is English and lives in the UK? That a bit racist of you isn't it?. This is a worldwide forum

The naivety. Are you serious. You really think that every staff member in hospitals and nursing homes speak English? They certainly don't.

Even in the OP's post, her neighbour was complaining about the hospital staff not speaking a word of english

I started writing my post before all this discussion about carers. You will see I talk about medical staff in the NHS. I include nurses in that group. According to the OP his comments were referring to nurses. Subsequent posters wrote about medical staff in hospitals. So yes, I stand by my comments.

I spent many years working in the NHS as a healthcare assistant, a medical student and as a doctor so I believe I have a good overview of the situation. That patients don’t understand staff doesn’t mean the staff can’t speak English.

I still remember translating for a Spanish general practice trainee on a psychiatry rotation. I don’t understand Spanish. She was speaking perfectly good, if accented English but the patient was struggling to understand. If people spend such little time with people who are different from them that they struggle to understand medical staff speaking standard English, I’m not sure what the solution is when hospital administrators feel forced to recruit staff abroad because British people aren’t interested, for whatever reason.

He seems like a lovely old man with generational racism - an ingrained fear of the “other” which doesn’t really match up with reality - he’s okay with the nice muslim man. I would gently call it out in a “now, now..” kind of way but not write off his entire character. He’s not evil, clearly.

So based on the patronising "ah bless, times have changed, he wouldn't have known it was unacceptable these days" attitude prevailing throughout this thread...how will he ever know that language has moved on if he isn't corrected? Do you think "oh well, he'll be dead soon, doesn't matter if he insults a few carers who are people of colour in the meantime"? Would you want to know if you were inadvertently (being charitable) making yourself sound like a racist or do you not give a shit? What makes his age more worthy of respect than someone else's heritage?

@Crunchyb Well said! I guarantee when ops neighbour said he couldn't understand all the foreign nurses he was talking about accent. I'm sure he could understand fully but in my experience racists like any excuse to be racist!
He's had years and years to understand that he can't talk like this but has chosen to remain ignorant. My mother in law is the same and that is the reason she spends Christmas alone! Sulking because I won't have this crap around my children. Like others have said some people are alone for a good reason.