To ignore my elderly neighbour?

[RallyB]

Due to his racist remarks.

He is very elderly and alone. We moved next to him literally just before Covid took hold and so for the best part of a year it was an ‘over the fence’ getting to know him situation. Polite conversations and I found out through conversation he lost his wife a year before we moved there. No children of their own. Apart from his sister he literally has no family and no living friends.

I felt so sorry for him. Due to covid me and DH would pick up essentials for him and leave it on his doorstep and when restrictions relaxed id take over home cooked meals as he said he just eats microwave meals.

He would tell me about the war, his wife, what it was like in our area back in the day, his really interesting job before retirement. A really lovely little old man who was endearing and sweet. He always asked about the children, work, my family life. We felt really lucky to have such a lovely neighbour.

Fast forward to about 8 months ago and he made a racist remark in conversation. I can’t remember what it was exactly but it shocked me, he rambles and mumbles a lot when he talks so I thought I must’ve misheard him but he then said something else (again can’t remember what). I naturally withdrew. I would check in now and again and if I saw him in the garden then I’d always say hello and ask how he’s getting on but that’s about it. It’s obvious too because he used to call every couple of weeks and I would too but I just haven’t been. I’m also back to work after mat leave so not in the house as much as I once was.

He has a carer now, I’ve noticed a man who appears to be of west Asian descent going in the house once per week.

Out in the garden today and I see my neighbour and I ask him how he’s getting on etc and how his new carer is. His response:

‘Oh yes I have a new carer. A young lad. He’s very good and managed to get me a mobility scooter which has helped. He’s a Muslim though, not that I hold that against him’

So I responded ‘of course not. Why would you?’

He ignored my question and started to talk about something else as he always does. He then said ‘I was in the hospital last week, we need to get more English nurses in there, everybody is foreign and can’t speak a word of English. They won’t let English people become nurses anymore and it’s a real shame.’

I then made my excuses and went inside the house.

AIBU to just ignore him? DH understands my point but because he’s elderly and alone he says we should still check in on him regularly and make sure he’s ok.

If I see him out in the garden I avoid going outside but harder now that the weather is nicer and DC are out playing in the garden.

Yea, but I would cut a 90 year old some slack for poor phrasing

I do think there is a generational aspect to racism.
And being self aware is lost on many older people.

Younger people have a new mindset that challenges internal thinking, has ideas of personal growth, and awareness.
My mother is 89, had all her opinions formed by 21- the attitudes are set.

She still uses very derogatory words towards people of colour, but she doesn't find these words offensive- so why change.
She laughs it off, and shows how supportive she is - " I have nothing against the gays, they are always such lovely people".
Trying to explain that to her is hard- and she doesn't have dementia.
I have pointed out to her that her attitudes are homophobic, that some gay people are lovely, some have naturally optimistic attitudes, but others may be miserable gits or serial killers- just like white folk.

I was raised in the 60s, I remember with clarity I was taught surrounding BME people. I feel ashamed of the words I spoke, but I was only 6 or 7 years old, I didn't understand or even heard of racism.
Racial bullying was rife, and accepted as part of life, TV shows and sitcoms had a huge amount of racist humour. Sexist too, patting a woman on the bottom in a work environment was acceptable too, and if a woman complained she would be told not to make a fuss, can't you take a joke, men can't help themselves.
Again TV shows were littered with sexist "humour".
On the Buses, Love thy Neighbour, the Benny Hill show, The Black and White minstrels, Man About the House, all the Carry On Movies.

Watching clips of these shows is horrific, but unfortunately reflective of how society thought.

To be honest I wouldn’t hold it against him. He’s just that age.

Same.
He’s bloody 90!

And nearly 100 if he was in it

What example in the OP’s post makes you conclude the man’s a racist? The Muslim comment? Again, I’ve seen this time and again where I worked, where descriptors such as the “tall bloke”, “the big woman”, the “white girl”, the “man with the after-shave” were used to describe staff. I served a very diverse community, and these comments came from people of ALL races!

Being Muslim is a religion not a race. I take it you don't live in Scotland were sectarianism is part of our everyday life.
This elderly gentleman has earned the right to express himself, you may take offence and that is your right but why turn this man into a racist, when you provide no evidence, who doesn't deserve your time, do you resent the time you are spending with him, the tasks you are doing for him?
What happens at work or on social occasions when someone says something that offends you? If you only deal with people who match your views then I'm afraid you will miss out on having relationships with some genuinely lovely people.

Oh yes I meant to correct that over 90 *

My late dad became quite vocally racist and homophones in his later years. No matter how many times I picked him up on the things he was saying, he would just shrug and say "oh well ..." This was the same man who had friends and work colleagues who were gay, and some who were black when he was younger. I don't know what changed in his mind to cause the racism/homphobia but it was unpleasant to witness.

Homophobic... Not homophones. Autocorrect fail 🙄

He’s from an entirely different time/generation …things have changed so much in last 30/40 years. I think you are being harsh

I'm an ex nurse. Many years ago I remember an elderly patient in my ward who was blind and spoke no English. I remember thinking at the time how terrifying it must be to be in his situation unable to see or communicate unless his relatives (younger generation and English speaking) were there. We were all very kind to him of course but I can't imagine how scared he must have been.

Anyone on this thread 50+, there you go: we now have exemption from trying to keep up with changing social attitudes over the next 30-40 years, if we should live so long. We don't have to bother trying to be better people, trying to understand what is or isn't respectful terminology, trying to be anti-racist allies (or, presumably, LGB allies or supportive of the disabled). We can down tools now on any kind of social self-improvement because we can't possibly be expected to keep up with any of it over the next few decades. Sweet.

Completely agree.
And not all old people are sweet, plenty have been nasty people their whole lives.
Having said that, an exception I would make is for dementia, (OP hasn't said he has this though). Dementia can change people and make them act out of character. Tourette's as well, can cause terrible outbursts.
Most likely, this bloke is just a plain old fashioned racist though, not ok at any age so he'd be cut no slack from me.

Yep. This!

I agree. Not all older people are sweet and lovely- racist people age too. I dont know why people always act like when someone hits a certain age (over 70 or whatever) they instantly become "sweet" or harmless. Its like people infantilise them as if they dont have minds of their own (barring dementia obv). Rolf Harris was 93 when he died- he wasnt a "sweet old man" by any means.

He’s very old and the facts are times have changed beyond measure in last few decades . That’s the truth. I think she saf he has dementia so he probably isn’t aware. No one is giving any exemptions for anything this is about a v old man but you are itching to jump on anything that doesn’t fit with your outlook …

That was referring to @HarpyValley who took my post entirely out of context and added arms and legs 🙄

What example in the OP’s post makes you conclude the man’s a racist?

@Velvetcupcakes

The OP literally said the bloke made racist remarks. In her OP. But of course you overlooked that.

Stop enabling. You're just as big a part of the problem as the racists are.

Oh, this takes me back to the good old "Paki go home" days. Anyway, glad to know that if my DS becomes a nurse, some posters won't want to be treated by him.

Frankly, the way things are in the UK, people should be glad of any nurses to wipe their behinds.

I have to be honest, I hate the generational excuse. They are living in the current world now are they not? They are well aware that it is not appropriate today, it doesn’t matter what it was like in the past. They don’t live in the past, they live in the now.

It’s not enabling to cut off an old lonely man , lots of people said perhaps explain to him why the things he said are offensive . it seems to be now you don’t like someone’s opinion just cut them down and out rather than finding out more . Like I said my mum would say similar thinks but at the end her favourite and most lovely carer was a young Indian man and when she died he hugged me and cried . So perhaps a few misplaced words should not result in the cruel and nasty comments on here which assume that everything is so simple when sometimes things are complicated.

This sounds aggressive and reactive! Please put your shoes in the old man's shoes. The worst thing is a nagger, who nags everyone and yet does not see their own faults.
Reactions and aggression have been know to happen in care homes by ill-educated carers who really don't understand people.
You need to be more resilient and understanding before shouting someone down whether it be gently or loudly. This man doesnt need to be tackled. Perhaps look at yourself first, do you live a perfect life so that you could try to change him accordingly?
Accept this old man for who he is, let him live his last days, perhaps invite him for a cuppa tea and talk about the garden. He sound lonely and vulnerable to bullies who want to put things right in their own way.

Just be understanding and kind.

I think some posters here don't know many very elderly people. If they've been a racist all their life, then they'll be a racist old person, and they'll generally come out with things like blaming immigrants for all the bad things happening their lives. If pulled up on it they'll grumble and/or double down. Easy to spot them.

If they've done their best to be not a racist all their life, by the standards that applied at the time, then they may make the occasional clumsy remark like OP's neighbour - but if pulled up on it would generally apologise or be distressed at the idea they were being a "racialist", then I think we should cut them some slack.

My elderly, confused (and a bit deaf) mum got upset yesterday when she totally mis-heard a medical person and thought they said "the place is full of blacks" and she said it was a racist thing to say and why would they say that. But she is also totally capable of coming out with language that is not acceptable by today's standards but was in years gone by. She usually spots my face and says "am I not allowed to say that these days?". It's upsetting to thing so many people would condemn her as racist.

Also to back up other posters - when your cognitive abilities start to slip, it gets hard to take in verbal information and process it, and then compose a reply. If the person speaking to you has an unfamiliar accent, even a strong regional British accent, this can make it even harder. If the speaker's first language isn't English and they use unfamiliar phrases, it makes it harder still. Add in a bit of deafness and it really doesn't take much imagination for anyone to understand why an elderly person may struggle on a hospital ward with a lot of non-British staff.

That old man (and me as well to be honest) grew up in an era of 'black and white minstrel show, golliwogs as one of the most loved and popular toys and famous comedians on tv would routinely makes jokes about non white people. The word 'nr' or 'paki' would be used to refer to a non white person and it was fine to do so. I remember my own dad making jokes about non white people. It was utterly 'normal'.

I was born in 1971, and I was raised none of those things were acceptable.