Wedding in Italy - AIBU

[Timetoflower22]

Me and my OH really want to get married in a period villa in Tuscany. A small wedding with 40 of our closest friends and family. We are going to pay for absolutely everything - accommodation, food, etc. but would it be rude to ask our guests to pay for their flights considering we will be paying for everything else? The wedding won't be until 2026/2027 so everyone will have two/three years notice.

Thank you

No. That's absolutely fine.

We are going to a family wedding in Tuscany in a few weeks time and have paid for our own flights and accommodation.

No I think that's fine.

You can certainly ask, but it’s not just flights is it? They’ll have to take time off work potentially, fund flights for kids (if invited) or arrange child care if not. Travel insurance, transport to the airport /parking etc. A wedding in Tuscany sounds lovely, but don’t be offended if some people can’t make it.

It’s fine but just don’t be upset if anyone does decline as flights may be too much for them on top of spending money, taxi to airport/parking- all the hidden costs plus of course if they need annual leave/childcare.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. In fact I think it's very generous of you to be paying for accommodation. I've been to a few destination weddings and have always had to pay for my own hotel as well as flights

I think it’s fine but be conscious not everyone may be able to come. As long as you’re okay with that.

I’ve missed 3 weddings abroad: one was childfree and Dh was in the wedding so I was the childcare, one was during school holidays so the flights were ridiculously expensive, and one because my passport got held up with a visa application (for something else, not the wedding, for 6 months) which meant i didn’t have a passport at the time of the wedding. You may lose people who are pregnant/have young children, who develop health issues and can’t travel, are carers for a family member, just those people who can’t easily pop to another country even when the accommodation is free.

I would give some thought though to the location and travel costs. The one in Italy we were invited to (didn’t go, too expensive), flights were about £250 each (less for dc) and it was in some villa up in the hills that required either a €100 taxi or a car hire for 3 days. It just wasn’t worth it.

Also take into account - are you paying for just one or two nights accommodation? What is their local airport only does flights say Tuesdays & Saturday- they are going to have to stay longer. Lots & lots of hidden costs so I don’t think you can tell people you are paying for everything.

Yanbu. In theory.

What accommodation are you planning? I wouldnt want to stay in a villa, even with friends, at this stage of my life, less so to make small talk with other people's family. I like my own space and even a fully paid for villa, particularly one shared with other people, would have me looking for an excuse not to go.

What I'm getting at is that it will be nice for you, and I can see why you think it would be lovely, but noone else really wants to go abroad for other peoples weddings. They do go, because they love the couple. And some might enjoy parts of it. But people are there for you and most people wont actually want to do it and many will look for an excuse.

Maybe consider a wedding locally and invite people to a post-wedding/pre-honeymoon holiday

No. I have been to weddings abroad and paid own accommodation and flights, so your guests would be lucky!
However with the wedding being abroad, expect people not to be able to make it, getting time off work, time off school, childcare, pregnancies, health etc. You may find you only need to pay accommodation for 20!

It’s fine, just don’t expect them all to come or get annoyed of someone can’t.

It’s fine to ask, as long as you’re not annoyed if they say no, for whatever reason.

It’s fine, just don’t expect them all to come or get annoyed of someone can’t

Even if people attend, it may well be under sufferance. Very close relatives or friends might feel like they have to even it's not their choice of destination for a short holiday, and privately begrudge spending £100s for flights and expenses (which may well be substantial) Unless you are paying for a whole week for everyone, then their costs are going to include some amount of accommodation and it all adds up. Otherwise it will be flights to Tuscany for a couple of nights and that can be a real faff for busy people who have had the choice forced on them. I know I'm sounding negative, but having been in this position, along with other guests, of feeling like you have to go but could well do without it, it's worth thinking over.

The wedding had to be moved to the UK in the end, with significant financial losses for the couple. As the date neared (more than 6 months, less than a year)
people started dropping out for varying, mostly genuine, reasons. One of the bridesmaids lost her job and really couldn't afford it. The couple offered to pay her flights and all expenses but she wouldn't/couldn't accept. That probably put the tin lid on it. No idea if it was genuine pride or she just couldn't be arsed in the end. Friendship no longer exists though. Blimey. I do bang on a bit!

As a stand alone situation I think it's very generous and seemingly "do able" for most.

However you are asking people to do this in 3 or 4 years time and so much could happen. In 4 years time they could have a couple of kids, deaths, divorces, move abroad, become millionaires - loves can look vastly different in 4 years.

So some of them may not want to commit as if their circumstances change they can't pull put without costing you lots of money. At least if the pay accom themselves and need to pull out you've only lost the cost of their wedding meal.

That's fine, but be aware that because of money or time or child care issues some may not come.
Covering accommodation is generous, I've never had that!

We will be paying for all travel costs as in coaches to and from the airport. So the guests will simply only have to pay for travel insurance and flights. The 'villa' is a small hotel, with double bedrooms for each guests. We just want everyone to be able to come so we feel we should pay the maximum we can as we are the ones choosing to go aboard

We will be paying for everyone to stay for 3 nights, 4 days.

It’s exactly what we’ve done for our wedding this year and it’s been very well received (and in fact, several people have asked if we’re sure about being so generous and offered to pay their way.)

Ultimately, let what you know of the people you love and who love you guide what you do. A load of MN strangers warning you that they wouldn’t come because they don’t like sharing villas, or holidays with anyone other than their own little family, or begrudge spending money on friends, when you know that those sorts of attitudes aren’t representative of the 40 people you actually intend to invite, isn’t especially useful. They’re not views which would even cross my lovely friends’ minds, because they aren’t like that, so they didn’t mine, either.

You’d need to ask your own family and friends- we don’t know their pets and financial commitments.

We can stretch to a couple of rooms at a Premier Inn in Northampton and a tank of petrol to attend s wedding. We couldn’t set aside thousands of pounds for flights abroad for family weddings(in a large family there may be many of these).

Personal, not pets!

I think that sounds very generous.

No it's not rude, as long as you accept declined invitations with good grace and no pressure at all - no matter who is doing the declining.

I don't do overseas weddings (would possibly make an exception for my closest sibling) because even just the flights + insurance + transfers/car + outfits + gifts + meals etc would be WAY more than I'd be willing/able to spend to visit a destination not of my choosing.

It must be great that your friends all have money to burn on trips like this @ComtesseDeSpair but those of us who don't are probably no less "lovely" than your friends. It's not a case of being "like that" (like what? Miserable?). It's a case of not having endless funds and either simply being priced out or having different preferences and priorities. What a shame to try and make it personal as though it somehow speaks to a person's character.

Absolutely fine and you're being generous. But just don't be offended if some people still can't come. Travel insurance and flights might be cheap to some but not in others' budgets.

I'll go if people back out because they can not organise or finance a return flight with 2 years notice.
I think you are being exceptionally generous and hope your 40 close friends appreciate it. Having travelled around the area, it will be fantastic. What you have planned is perfectly reasonable and no grounds for complaint at all.
Nó jealousy here at all😀

Of course it's fine, it's very generous of you, just don't be too upset if some people can't make it or choose to decline.

I say this as kindly as I can, but I absolutely would not be spending a week of my annual leave to attend someone else's wedding, unless it was my own daughter's.

Ask the people you're thinking of inviting, see what everyone thinks. Ultimately you know your family better than any of us will, they'll be able to tell you how they feel about the idea!

I would pay for the wedding and food and drink etc all day on the day of course but flights and accommodation would be down to the guests. If they can't afford it they won't come. Sounds lovely though! Have an amazing time. The great thing about weddings abroad is they last so much longer than just the day.