Wedding in Italy - AIBU

[Timetoflower22]

Me and my OH really want to get married in a period villa in Tuscany. A small wedding with 40 of our closest friends and family. We are going to pay for absolutely everything - accommodation, food, etc. but would it be rude to ask our guests to pay for their flights considering we will be paying for everything else? The wedding won't be until 2026/2027 so everyone will have two/three years notice.

Thank you

Because, weirdly, people tend not to make big life decisions (such as where to get married) based on other people’s pet sitting arrangements.

It depends on the cost of the flights though, doesn't it? Attending a wedding in the country where you live isn't free. I've had some quite significant travel costs attending weddings in the country where I lived, such as the cost of a tank of petrol and a hotel to go to Devon for a wedding (when I lived in the UK), and a couple in France, just a few hours from where we lived, where the cost of a night in a hotel, train fares and taxis between the nearest station (which wasn't very near at all), the venue and the accommodation exceeded the cost of a couple of budget flights to Tuscany many times over.

The devil is actually in the detail, and if the OP and her fiancé are covering both accommodation costs and airport transfers, attending this wedding may well not be more expensive and could even be cheaper than attending a non destination wedding in an inconvenient location.

In many ways it's easier for people's financial planning if they just have to look for flights and say, "Right, the flights are £160, then we need to think about travel insurance, a gift etc, but the accommodation and airport transfer is covered, is this doable?" as opposed to automatically accepting an invitation to a wedding in a part of the UK they aren't familiar with and discovering much nearer the time that the train fare is really expensive and the nearest station is 15 miles from the venue and a taxi is HOW MUCH???

It's fine to ask them, but not fine to assume they will be able to make it and not fine to be offended if they can't.

I’d be thrilled with what you have suggested.

Gladly get time off and arrange a pet sitter to come.

Odd…. Because they don’t want too…

I agree with pp’s saying that asking to use their holidays on someone else’s wedding is a big ask.

And personally, I had to decline abroad wedding, not vecause I didn’t want to go, but I have anxiety disorder so I don’t travel at all.
It was a shame, because the bride was my cousin and one of my favorite person, but it is what it is.

Anyway, if they have to pay for their flights, then you are not actually paying the trip…

Nobody ever says this about people paying for travel and accommodation costs to attend weddings in the UK.

As others say, it totally depends on your family and friendship group. I would personally never accept an invitation like that (unless it was my adult DC and even then I would try to persuade them it was not a good idea).

It's not just the cost of the flights, it's everything else, plus taking annual leave ... and would I want to sit in a hotel with someone else's 'close friends and family' for three days?
I know of two overseas weddings which caused so much angst and anxiety .. quite possibly the bride and groom had no idea of the difficulties because many guests are too reluctant to say a polite 'no thank you' to a wedding invitation.

We did this - guests paid for their flights and accommodation though this was at a discounted rate and were ok with it (with a 9 month lead time).

Some weren’t able to attend eg elderly grandparents so we ended up with 30 guests instead of 40; we had a larger party for 120 when home too.

This sums it up for me

I guess not.
You’re not wrong.
People spend insane amount of money/time/effort on other people’s weddings. Of then on marriages that don’t even lst very long, and then do it all over again for the next wedding.
I don’t really understan it, but I guess many people are okey with it / have to pretend their okey with it.

I would say it's fine as long as you don't get upset if people can't attend.

Bear in mind weddings make people mental so I'll wait for the thread where a CF relative decides they either can't come but want you to send the money you'd have used to cover them, is coming but they want you to send them the money so they can subsidise them booking themselves somewhere 'better' nearby, or wants to bring along x,y,z with them and want you to pay for them too 😂

How are you going to manage the logistics ... if you book the hotel for 40 people but only 30 accept the invite for example? And as it's so far away there are bound to be people who can't commit or whose circumstances change. Sounds a lot of hassle for what should be a simple, happy day.

Very generous of you.

If you can't find enough takers I would be happy to come and throw some confetti and drink prosecco.

We will be doing it over a Thursday-Sunday so most will only take two days annual leave.

absolutely.

There's a strange hatred for weddings (and baby showers, hen nights, birthdays, any party or event really) on MN, but at the same time people are outraged if they are left out and don't receive an invitation.

In the real world, some people will decline, because they cannot or don't want to go, complete non-issue.
Most people are more than happy to make a holiday out of the event and go to a place they wouldn't have necessarily thought of or booked.

The main thing is to give as much notice as possible to your guests, but reasonable one : October 2026, June 2027, not a 2 years window. Don't expect people to book it firmly either so far ahead. I am all for committing once I have accepted an invitation, but not years in advance, life happens.

Why would you (and others) put the dream venue over making it logistically easy and affordable for friends and family? My priority was having as many of the people I love in my life at my wedding. So I would never have done this.

And pet care; i pay 100 a day for a live-in sitter.

Why not just have the local wedding & go on holiday to Tuscany?

define "local".

That's still a lot of annual leave for someone else's wedding. Not to mention sorting clothing, packing and all of the other logistics leading up. And doing work ahead or advising colleagues.

No that's absolutely fine!! You're paying for the whole day. I'm sure that guests have enough time to save up for a flight and accommodation! You're nearest and dearest shouldn't resent having to pay this and if they're not able to afford it, then they can politely decline!

You sound very generous. As long as you're not going to get annoyed at anyone declining the invitation (there's plenty of valid reasons, lots of them already said in PPs, why it would be a big ask if you're covering most the cost), then YANBU.

I'd certainly not be turning the invitation down, that's for sure!

Sorry, my post should have read;

there's plenty of valid reasons, lots of them already said in PPs, why it would be a big ask even if you're covering most the cost

That is a very kind gesture and absolutely OK. Any abroad weddings I have heard of, the guests sorted their own flights and accommodation so to cover one of those is great of you. People will be delighted.

So? Most of us are happy to spend annual leave with a sibling or a friend for their wedding.

If you start clutching at straws and complain about sorting clothing and packing, you might as well decline 😂

Assume the OP is going to hire out the entire venue so regardless of how many accept this lovely invitation, the cost will be the same!

Sounds like a really fabulous idea.