Page 2 | Wedding in Italy - AIBU

standardduck · 29/06/2023 09:58

YANBU - that's actually pretty generous. The only issue I see is that you are planning it so ahead - I don't think I would be able to commit to a wedding that will happen in 3 years.

Nordicrain · 29/06/2023 09:58

Why would it be uinreasonable? Have the wedding you want. The qualification is that some people may not want to or be able to come. As long as you don't get annoyed about that you are fine.

OnePotPolly · 29/06/2023 10:05

We will be paying for everyone to stay for 3 nights, 4 days

Isn't that just 2 full days though, because the other 2 will be spent travelling so
you can't really count them.
I am very lovely but that would be a lot of flight money for 2 days.
Unless you stay longer to make it worth it, but then you have to pay accommodation to be somewhere you didn't choose.
I reiterate, I am very lovely and love my friends and relatives but it's a big ask of anybody.

heldinadream · 29/06/2023 10:12

Me and my OH really want to get married in a period villa in Tuscany. Of course you do, who wouldn't?
A small wedding with 40 of our closest friends and family. You've got 40 close friends and family? Strewth!

This is generous and lovely, and you sound lovely, but for all the reasons stated it's still a big ask. So what happens when you've booked it and organised it and then slowly in the six months before you get, say 10 drop outs? Just because of people's circumstances? Or 15? Or even 20?

Will it spoil it for you or could you roll with that? If you can roll with it do it OP. If you need cast-iron commitment from 95% of your guests, it's probably going to be more problematic.

Spirallingdownwards · 29/06/2023 10:15

You say you will pay for coach travel but this presumes they will all get the same flights from the same airport.....

Peony654 · 29/06/2023 10:19

That sounds fine and very generous. But you need to be prepared that some guests won’t come and not be upset by that. Always a risk with an overseas wedding. And in fact any wedding

heyitsthistle · 29/06/2023 10:21

I think it's absolutely fine to ask guests to pay for flights! Two or three years' notice is enough time. And to be honest, I'm amazed you're paying for accomodation, too. It's really generous of you.

FloweryName · 29/06/2023 10:24

It’s fine. If you’re going to get married abroad, this is the only way you can reasonably do it without also offering to pay for flights.

I would stipulate that you don’t want gifts because people will be paying for flights.

mondaytosunday · 29/06/2023 10:30

I think you are paying more than most people would pay for. Can I have an invite 🙏🏼?

BridportSpectacular · 29/06/2023 10:33

Sounds perfect. I'd be there like a shot and trying to find a way to repay your generosity.

LIZS · 29/06/2023 10:33

But what if people can only commit to one or two nights, or get various flights so needing more trips from and to airports. You cannot dictate guests time or arrangements. Bear in mind it will not only be cost of flights but outfits, transport to the uk airport, pet sitting, maybe passports etc - it all adds up.

BridportSpectacular · 29/06/2023 10:34

A small wedding with 40 of our closest friends and family.You've got 40 close friends and family? Strewth!

That doesn't seem weird to me.

My DH's boss did this - unfortunately we didn't make the cut.

ThisIsntMyUsualUsername · 29/06/2023 10:35

Sounds generous and perfectly fair.
We've been invited to weddings abroad and the couples have always said if you can't make it we understand.
We got married abroad but I had to say to my own family, you are all invited but unfortunately we can't help with costs, and understand if you can't come.
We had a small dinner party type reception for 20 when we got home and just had our parents at the wedding.
You have the wedding you want, and they will either come or not come, but you really are offering a lot of help and with it being a good time away if we were invited to similar it would give us time to plan and save.

SummaLuvin · 29/06/2023 10:36

You can do what you want for your wedding, and you are being more generous in covering many costs for your guests than most destination weddings are.

Regardless, you have to be prepared for people to still turn it down as any destination wedding is a bigger ask than home ones. Can't or won't take the annual leave from work. Cost of flights and other wedding costs too much (outfits, gifts...). Can't leave dependants at home, such as elderly relatives. Fear of flying...

Spinet · 29/06/2023 10:40

It sounds lovely. My advice though is that as long as you're not going to be a dick about it (eg get annoyed if people can't come) just do what you like. It's generous to pay for accommodation but don't bend over backwards arranging people's flight transfers, spend that energy/cash on an extra glass (bottle) of wine each.

And don't ask on Mumsnet tbh. People have very extreme views either way about what weddings should entail.

MargotBamborough · 29/06/2023 10:41

I think it's fine as long as you don't get upset if some people say they can't or don't want to come. Paying for the villa for everyone is very generous.

I got married in France, where my husband and I and half our guests live, but my family and most of my friends do not. That meant that around 50-60 people had to travel abroad for our wedding and we didn't cover travel or accommodation costs for any of them. Only a very small number of people declined the invitation; most people we invited came and made a long weekend of it.

Your wedding sounds lovely. It's not as if you're getting married in Hawaii; Tuscany is pretty accessible.

Upsizer · 29/06/2023 10:45

It sounds fine but a lot of people will accept but absolutely hate it. The thought of having to chat to other wedding party people every time I leave my room would be horrible for me personally. (I would just decline!)

As another poster said, people will do it because they love you but overall it will be under sufferance.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/06/2023 10:45

NutellaNut · 28/06/2023 20:53

You can certainly ask, but it’s not just flights is it? They’ll have to take time off work potentially, fund flights for kids (if invited) or arrange child care if not. Travel insurance, transport to the airport /parking etc. A wedding in Tuscany sounds lovely, but don’t be offended if some people can’t make it.

And pet care; i pay 100 a day for a live-in sitter.

Why not just have the local wedding & go on holiday to Tuscany?

SlashsHat · 29/06/2023 10:52

YANBU.

A word of advice as someone who is going to a wedding in Itlay this summer.... pick a destination that has multiple airlines/routes flying there as it's really annoying when a route is cancelled after the couple book a wedding meaning I have a lot more travelling than intially planned.... not that I am bitter or anything.

BridportSpectacular · 29/06/2023 10:54

"As another poster said, people will do it because they love you but overall it will be under sufferance."

I'd really love it! And have done similar. You know your family and friends - I know which ones would hate the sharing aspect and who I might say the offer is there - I want you to be there but if you want to book somewhere separate to stay, that's fine.

MargotBamborough · 29/06/2023 10:57

Ultimately OP, you know your guests better than we do. Especially if there are only 40 of them. Can't you sound them out rather than sounding us out?

Start by talking to the people whose presence is most important to you, such as your immediate family and anyone you would have as a bridesmaid or best man. Are they up for it? If yes, how would you feel if they were the only people there? Would that still be a good wedding for you, or would you feel sad if other people couldn't make it?

If you get positive responses from the most important people then maybe start sounding out the rest of your intended guests.

As others have said, do bear in mind that people's circumstances might change and you may end up with some people who say they're up for it now not being able to make it in three years' time due to pregnancies, children, changed financial circumstances etc.

But in general you will get a lot of very negative comments about having your wedding abroad on Mumsnet, when this may not actually reflect the feelings of the people you intend to invite. You know them better than we do.

My best friend, for example, says she loves abroad weddings, having been to weddings in France, Spain and Greece and was really sorry to miss one in Italy because it clashed with the one in Spain. I personally enjoy weddings outside the UK much more than weddings in the UK because in the UK it's virtually impossible to find a venue which doesn't force you to have a cash bar and chuck all your guests out no later than the stroke of midnight, whereas the weddings I've been to in other European countries have better food, more and better wine, and the party has gone on for longer. That's not the fault of any of the couples whose weddings we've been to in the UK, it's just that the rules around the wedding industry in the UK are a bit shit. That's ultimately why we decided not to get married in the UK.

So if your friends and family are up for it, I reckon you'll have a much nicer wedding in Tuscany.

drpet49 · 29/06/2023 10:58

Timetoflower22 · 29/06/2023 09:36

We will be paying for all travel costs as in coaches to and from the airport. So the guests will simply only have to pay for travel insurance and flights. The 'villa' is a small hotel, with double bedrooms for each guests. We just want everyone to be able to come so we feel we should pay the maximum we can as we are the ones choosing to go aboard

I am normally not a fan of destination weddings but what you are planning to do sounds great and I would attend.

keel34 · 29/06/2023 11:03

Invite ME!

No absolutely reasonable, but just understand that some people still won't be able to attend so don't apply pressure, it's not always about the cost, but annual leave, childcare etc, there could be plenty of other good reasons they can't or don't want to commit days to a wedding, and that doesn't mean they don't love you. So long as you go into it with that understanding, youve done all you can.

ActDottie · 29/06/2023 11:04

Paying for accommodation is more than most people do for a destination. But bare in mind the flights will be cost that some cannot afford so don’t expect everyone to be able to come.

Avondale89 · 29/06/2023 11:08

Upsizer · 29/06/2023 10:45

It sounds fine but a lot of people will accept but absolutely hate it. The thought of having to chat to other wedding party people every time I leave my room would be horrible for me personally. (I would just decline!)

As another poster said, people will do it because they love you but overall it will be under sufferance.

Only if they’re friends who weird people who don’t have any boundaries and martyr themselves by doing things they don’t want to do. Also, how is a attending a wedding in Tuscany with paid for accommodation “suffering” in any sense of the word? If it’s going to cause people that much of a problem, they should decline.

OP assuming your friends and family are fully functioning adults and can feel free to accept or decline as they need to, this sounds absolutely lovely.