To think that the current vogue for allowing kids to be "bored" is a bit misguided

[Thepeopleversuswork]

Have been thinking about this a lot recently, prompted by posts on here and things in the media. It's become very fashionable for people to talk about how important it is for children to be allowed to "be bored" sometimes.

I totally understand and support the principle of this: which is that overzealous scheduling and helicopter parenting is not great for many kids. I think there is a place for not having your entire life planned out from dawn to dusk and for learning to entertain yourself.

But in reality I think this "leave them to get bored" is often quite unworkable. Once kids get "bored" these days they invariably reach for screens. Now, obviously it's up to us as parents to manage this. But there's a limit to how much you can police this, short of removing all devices. It would be great if "being bored" always meant directing kids out to rough and tumble play in the hayfields or making dens in the living room or finger painting, but that usually isn't what it means. It either means screen time or it means getting into things they shouldn't. Stopping this happening means endless policing of what they do. So, forgive me but given the choice I'd rather my kid was doing an after-school club than playing four hours of Minecraft (sorry Minecraft) or watching TV or being bullied by me to be "creatively bored".

"Constructive" boredom as its preached is one of these lovely ideas (a bit like "free range" parenting) that's much much easier to achieve if you have a huge five-bedroom pile in the home counties than if you live in a cramped two bed flat (from which you also work). It's pretty unworkable for most parents and I'm starting to find it increasingly irritating when people parrot this as if it were a solution to all parenting dilemmas.

This is so true - I used to go to mass as a kid and though I complained about it, in fact I loved it, to the extent that I really miss it now as an adult. I'd feel hypocritical going when I don't believe but there is something lovely about just following the process of the ritual with other people - it's very good for your brain. To your point, I think the popularity of meditation and mindfulness comes from a lack of access to these calming rituals - it's a replacement. I hate meditation because it's generally solitary - what I liked about mass was being in a room with many other people.

OP- I'm sure someone's said this already but I think it's unfair for posters to compare your situation to theirs if they have more than one child or a partner. Siblings fight but they also play together - if I tell my two to get off screens they're usually tearing around the house screaming (which has its own drawbacks!) within minutes.

Could it be that your daughter lacks ideas as to what to do with her time? You could help her set up a meetup with her friends, start her on a project, etc so that she can have a go-to thing while she gets used to organising her own time? Finding stuff to do is a bit of a skill and it sounds like she needs a bit of practice/support until she gets the hang of it.

I think we should just agree to disagree - our styles are quite different, certainly by age four or five I didn't want my kids to be looking to me to fill the gap every time they were at a momentary loose end.

And I don't think for older kids when it comes to screens that pure preference should override other factors, such as quite a few discussed on this thread - including OP's original dilemma.

Finding stuff to do is a bit of a skill and it sounds like she needs a bit of practice/support until she gets the hang of it.

This very much resonates with me!

Quiet indoor hobbies?

I'm not suggesting that their pure preference should override other factors. I am making the point that they don't choose screens because they are unable to do other things without their parents input. They just prefer screens to other things.

And sometimes that preference becomes so all-consuming - because of the nature of the technology - that it depletes their ability to occupy themselves without screens. And so the 'choice' becomes less of a choice than it would likely have been otherwise.

It's very easy to police screen time - just use many of the apps available to lock the device after x time. My children have a 1hr limit per day, a little longer at weekends. It's usually their first choice of activity, but once time is up they move on to playing, drawing etc.

I don't think a preference for technology is reduced by ignoring them when they are young children to the extent they are often bored though. The young adults I know who spend all their free time gaming aren't the ones whose parents did a lot of activities with them when they were younger. If anything it's the other way around.

^This nailed it in one.

Letting them be bored means no screens. It means not consuming media, and instead allowing them to fall back on the resources of their own brains, their imagination and creativity. Daydreaming. Making up songs or games.

am making the point that they don't choose screens because they are unable to do other things without their parents input. They just prefer screens to other things.

They lose that ability to push past the initial demands of creating your own entertainment. Of imagination.

One click and it's all consuming. It's been designed to be like that. It becomes a habit. Like fast food.

It's not about 'ignoring' your children. It's about allowing space for their own creativity.

Again, you're back to the 'all or nothing' - somehow arguing that parents who sometimes don't drop everything because their child has uttered the slightest wisp of boredom don't also do loads of activities with their kids.

Basically what people are saying is - it's a process. You give your kids the skills and set the boundaries that they are increasingly able to entertain themselves in a variety of ways over time, rather than rely on external entertainment (parent or screen led).

So you do loads of activities with your children and they only ever experience the slightest wisp of boredom?

Don't worry, they will have the skills not to want your company by the time they are teenagers. And whether they use screens as teenagers/adults will be a matter of personality rather than skills learned as young children.

I do loads of activities with my kids - as I've said on this thread already. Less than I used to as they get older, as you'd expect. Sometimes they say they're bored. They have the skills and access to lots of things to entertain themselves and generally find something to occupy themselves pretty quickly!

It's my job to give them the skills and opportunities to occupy and entertain themselves as well as being the entertainer.

I totally agree with the PP who talked about the benefits of the enforced boredom of church/assemblies/etc. I found eldest son on his bed earlier in the year just staring at the ceiling. Asked if he was ok. 'Yes, just we had a really boring assembly today and I started just thinking about other things and it was quite good and I thought about a lot of interesting things, and I wanted to do more of it.'

What life is this, etc etc.

You keep telling me not to worry - I'm not worried because my kids are great at this! But lots aren't, as is evident from folk on this thread and widely elsewhere.

Like I said - you and I aren't going to agree here, so maybe we should just drop it, eh?

@Thepeopleversuswork if you’re working, and your DD doesn’t have siblings, then it’s the art of the possible really.

My kids are 10 and 13 and have screen-free time between 10 and 4 on weekends / holidays and no iPads after dinner (blue light). Today for example (on holiday already) they were playing top trumps and doing some sort of fashion show upstairs. But if you’re going to get your DD to do that reliably you may need to invest in games which can be played solo and / or craft/ painting.

i would perhaps tighten up at weekends but in the working day accept it is what it is…

Don't worry, they will have the skills not to want your company by the time they are teenagers. And whether they use screens as teenagers/adults will be a matter of personality rather than skills learned as young children.

"wanting your company "

"ignore"

I think you're putting some very emotional twists on this.

I do loads of stuff with my kids and we enjoy each other's company. But If they say " I'm bored" I don't necessarily jump in to fill that space - as entertainer or with screens. I let them use their imaginations. I feel like that's a muscle that needs exercising and space to grow.

You can't say that because someone chooses one activity over another it is because they have lost some skill or ability or haven't been taught something or were not bored enough as a child. That is ridiculous. I don't play computer games and neither do my adult children because we don't enjoy it. It has nothing to do with our skills and certainly nothing to do with creativity,

I was actually joking when I said that they will have the skills not to want your company as teenagers. It is quite funny that anyone thinks that it is a skill they have to learn though.

You can't say that because someone chooses one activity over another it is because they have lost some skill or ability or haven't been taught something or were not bored enough as a child. That is ridiculous. I don't play computer games and neither do my adult children because we don't enjoy it. It has nothing to do with our skills and certainly nothing to do with creativity,

No when it comes to screen tech I would say they have lost something.

And I don't think it's ridiculous to say it's addictive.

There's a reason it's especially not advised before 2.

I don't play computer games and neither do my adult children because we don't enjoy it. It has nothing to do with our skills and certainly nothing to do with creativity,

If that was all you did in your down time as a child I expect you would be playing it now.

I was actually joking when I said that they will have the skills not to want your company as teenagers. It is quite funny that anyone thinks that it is a skill they have to learn though.

Well you said it.....

‘Even before this though she would constantly mither me to do stuff with her. I ended up being incapable of doing anything else.

I have always felt like a complete failure as a parent and now I feel like my failure to police screen more zealously has damaged her.’

@Thepeopleversuswork don’t be so hard on yourself!! She is 12, she’s becoming a young adult, she’s not going to be into imaginative play, which is what those statements are angling toward.

when I was 12, I: played The Sims (a lot), I went into town to see my friends, I did a hobby and in the evenings at home I watched tv with my sister. Not hugely exciting, but in retrospect I was shattered after secondary every day.

At that age, maybe you can start to see screens as more of a gateway for interesting hobbies for her, things you could recreate at home?

Yep, there's lots of evidence that screens - and particularly a lot of the apps designed for phones and tablets - are addictive and have distinct downsides.

And just like when my kids say 'I'm thirsty' I generally won't say 'ok, have a sugary fizzy drink', when they're feeling bored I don't want a screen to be their default.