To think that the current vogue for allowing kids to be "bored" is a bit misguided

[Thepeopleversuswork]

Have been thinking about this a lot recently, prompted by posts on here and things in the media. It's become very fashionable for people to talk about how important it is for children to be allowed to "be bored" sometimes.

I totally understand and support the principle of this: which is that overzealous scheduling and helicopter parenting is not great for many kids. I think there is a place for not having your entire life planned out from dawn to dusk and for learning to entertain yourself.

But in reality I think this "leave them to get bored" is often quite unworkable. Once kids get "bored" these days they invariably reach for screens. Now, obviously it's up to us as parents to manage this. But there's a limit to how much you can police this, short of removing all devices. It would be great if "being bored" always meant directing kids out to rough and tumble play in the hayfields or making dens in the living room or finger painting, but that usually isn't what it means. It either means screen time or it means getting into things they shouldn't. Stopping this happening means endless policing of what they do. So, forgive me but given the choice I'd rather my kid was doing an after-school club than playing four hours of Minecraft (sorry Minecraft) or watching TV or being bullied by me to be "creatively bored".

"Constructive" boredom as its preached is one of these lovely ideas (a bit like "free range" parenting) that's much much easier to achieve if you have a huge five-bedroom pile in the home counties than if you live in a cramped two bed flat (from which you also work). It's pretty unworkable for most parents and I'm starting to find it increasingly irritating when people parrot this as if it were a solution to all parenting dilemmas.

What's wrong with books?! I am in my 50s and always read as a child as did my own children. I don't remember being bored or my children being bored.

Children given true undirected time will want to play outside with other children. Here they’ll push boundaries, get into trouble and put themselves in potentially dangerous situations, eg climbing trees. This is the type of play that’s not open to our children and exactly what they would benefit from most.

This really is nonsense. Children are individuals with a broad range of personalities; some will thrive on outside playing with other kids, for others that's the third circle of hell. The idea that children who are bored and have all options available to them will all do the same thing is bonkers.

Not convinced by the proponents,
Bored teens are rather implicated in anti-social behaviour.

Not convinced by the proponents,
Bored teens are rather implicated in anti-social behaviour.
I think that's why it matters that habits are established before the teen years.
If a teen has grown up with down time, time for self-structured play or entertainment, and has grown up to find what interests them then when they have time that isn't structured or scrolling on their phone they'll have plenty of things they want to do.

If they've not had that, you're probably right. They're more likely to crave screen entertainment and/or be looking for entertainment in other less positive ways.

I don't think being bored is a good thing at all. Who wants to be bored? They don't have to have scheduled activities but when my children were very young I would entertain them, help them with art reading etc and when they were older they did those things by themselves.

Err so they regulated their boredom on their own They had learned how to deal with it. 🤷‍♀️That's exactly what is being discussed.

I usually find the following phrase works wonders:

"If you cant find one toy to play with that you like then we may as well just get rid of them so someone else can enjoy playing with them."

That said, as a parent I think we have a responsibility to make toys appealing and accessible, for example by helping deconstruct lego so that it's ready for another play, putting all the dolls and doll bits together, putting things in easy reach etc.

At 12 surely you just remove the screen so she isn’t just reaching for it. Take it away or she will just inevitably reach for it as we all do.

If i ever complained that i was bored, i'd be told to either go read or clean. I'd figure out how to occupy myself if i didn't want to do either.

'I don't think being bored is a good thing at all. Who wants to be bored?'

Being 'bored' as a child means not being entertained by adults and making your own fun. Which could be playing outside, playing with toys, playing games with siblings or friends, reading a book, baking, taking a nap, sorting their room or whatever.

It just means letting them get on with something else without getting involved and is incredibly good for their imagination, lets them rest, or focus.

When I claimed to be 'bored' my mum would say ' I can find something for you to do' which would inevitably be chores! As a young teen I used to spend hours hitting a tennis ball against our back wall when there was no-one around. or a football. Or read. I would day dream and let my mind wander. Make up stories.
I'm now a writer, football coach and pretty good a tennis!

My Dsis would play obsessively with lego and building toys, colouring and drawing when she was bored...Ended up studying architecture and design.

Let your kids get bored, it's a good way of finding out what they gravitate to, to occupy themselves.

Well I think YABU, but then I thought your child was younger.

How much screen time are you actually talking? If balanced with school, friends, some activities etc I don't think filling boredom with a few hours of tv or games is really that much of a problem. It's what most adults would do. So how much time is it?

My children didn't regulate their boredom when they were young though. I did activities with them so that they weren't bored or they watched TV a bit. They did do their own thing when older but that wasn't a consequence of being bored. It would have happened anyway.

Most people have automatic limiters on their kids devices, OP, so they can't go over a certain amount of screen time per day. Do you not have this?

https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT208982

Being bored does not mean not being antertained by adults. It means not doing anything they find enjoy or find interesting.

I’m a couple of years younger but I think the point is a) not just school holidays and b) kids love very differently now. All my friends were probably a 15 minute bike ride away in primary but my kids (years 3 and 6) have friends who live a 20 minute drive away, let alone bike ride. At their age I had far more freedom and things were different.

FWIW I do agree kids need to be bored and not default to screens and it’s a constant battle in our house.

They did do their own thing when older but that wasn't a consequence of being bored. It would have happened anyway.

That's great! But they are sorting it out for themselves 🤷‍♀️ That's the idea.

I used to look on smugly as dd was constantly able to keep herself occupied with lego, toys, arts and crafts etc and not a screen in sight.

Then she hit puberty at 9. I no longer look on smugly.

We limit screen time and take screens away. Dd (11) stays in her room listening to music, maybe reading, maybe writing in her diary about how much she hates her parents for taking her phone away - who knows, we're not allowed in.

Ironically when she has her phone she speaks to her friends, arranges to meet up locally or continues learning a language on Duolingo. (Amongst all the youtube rubbish).

As others have said, boredom doesn't necessarily result in a wholesome activity.

And forget about comparing one 11 year old with another - puberty is the game changer.

Which is generally a good motivator to go and find something they do enjoy or find interesting to do.

The key is that they're being self-driven to find something to entertain them, driven by that little bit of boredom.

‘As others have said, boredom doesn't necessarily result in a wholesome activity. ‘

so? It’s doesn’t have to. What’s wrong with leaving a kid alone with their thoughts?
we teach ‘meditation’ in primary schools now - pretty much the same thing isn’t it?

"Bored teens are rather implicated in anti-social behaviour."

I think this is a fair point. It's one thing for a 'bored' teen to have a spacious home where they can hang out with friends; independent access to sports/leisure activities (walkable or public transport); money etc.

It's quite another for a teen who doesn't have access to any of those things.

‘Being bored does not mean not being antertained by adults. It means not doing anything they find enjoy or find interesting.’

disagree entirely with that. If they’re not doing anything they find interesting or enjoy then they can either self motivated to change that or accept the fact that not every moment of their lives will be filled with something they find interesting or enjoy.

my ‘bored’ 13 year old took a nap that he clearly needed. When he woke up he went off to the Basket ball courts alone, no-one around. Where he then bumped into some kids he knows from school and ended up having a great time.
When he came home he moaned a bit about being ‘bored’ but I told him to bugger off or I’d give him chores.
Don’t know what he actually did then in his room but he was phoneless, and had no screens so it wasn’t that.

Depends on the age I guess. My DD is 4, so I appreciate its a lot easier to manage screen time as she obviously doesn't have a phone/tablet/laptop/tv in her room etc. But I think for that age I disagree with you, I don't make it my job to entertain her all the time and I do think it's good for her to be a bit bored and then find something to do. Obviously I play with her, but sometimes she has to play by herself because I'm busy, and the tv is off. She has plenty of toys so any whinge of "I'm boreddddd" she just gets pointed in that direction.

As I said, I do completely acknowledge that as she gets older, screen time will be harder to manage.

"What’s wrong with leaving a kid alone with their thoughts?"

There's a fine line for a teen between having some quiet reflective time and being lonely. For many teens the way they talk through problems, ease anxieties, etc is communication with friends.
And however much we might not like it (and I really don't like it) that line of communication now revolves around phones for most teens.

The landscape is so different to how I and many posters on this thread grew up. I wish smartphones were never created - I genuinely think they are bad for everyone, not just teens, in the way they can define and influence relationships and don't get me started on mental health.

I agree with what you are saying. We put limits on our child’s screen time but because he is an only child he wants us to do the alternative activity with him. His preference is actually to be outside or doing something with us, but that isn’t always possible. Then he reverts to a screen. He used to build with Lego but is growing out of that now. When we were kids we played outside a lot but then also watched a lot of TV.

In essence, my kid is fine with ‘being bored’ but insists on us filling the void with him. Not sure how I fix that without him feeling rejected?

I tend to disagree. DS7 and I live in a 2 bed apartment in London and I wfh. I don't think it's constructive to have a strict schedule at all times, he goes off and plays with his toys and reads, draws, paints (if I get the bits out for him) whilst I'm busy either at the laptop or cooking and this worksmwell. He's a very imaginative and smart kid.

He is never allowed to stare at a screen as for me that's out of the question but we watch game shows like House of a games and Pointless together, almost everything has an educational component even if it's a silly cbbc programme or wildlife on tv.