To think that the current vogue for allowing kids to be "bored" is a bit misguided

[Thepeopleversuswork]

Have been thinking about this a lot recently, prompted by posts on here and things in the media. It's become very fashionable for people to talk about how important it is for children to be allowed to "be bored" sometimes.

I totally understand and support the principle of this: which is that overzealous scheduling and helicopter parenting is not great for many kids. I think there is a place for not having your entire life planned out from dawn to dusk and for learning to entertain yourself.

But in reality I think this "leave them to get bored" is often quite unworkable. Once kids get "bored" these days they invariably reach for screens. Now, obviously it's up to us as parents to manage this. But there's a limit to how much you can police this, short of removing all devices. It would be great if "being bored" always meant directing kids out to rough and tumble play in the hayfields or making dens in the living room or finger painting, but that usually isn't what it means. It either means screen time or it means getting into things they shouldn't. Stopping this happening means endless policing of what they do. So, forgive me but given the choice I'd rather my kid was doing an after-school club than playing four hours of Minecraft (sorry Minecraft) or watching TV or being bullied by me to be "creatively bored".

"Constructive" boredom as its preached is one of these lovely ideas (a bit like "free range" parenting) that's much much easier to achieve if you have a huge five-bedroom pile in the home counties than if you live in a cramped two bed flat (from which you also work). It's pretty unworkable for most parents and I'm starting to find it increasingly irritating when people parrot this as if it were a solution to all parenting dilemmas.

I disagree. I do think its good for kids to be bored and to learn how to occupy themselves, it's a good life skill. I have taught super intelligent , confident kids who can't occupy themselves because their time is SO organised by others, they literally do not know where to start.
BUT I do agree its about parenting and the use of screens. We DO remove all electronics etc (which is a nightmare) and the kids are sneaky and will push it. A friend has 'lollystick' jobs/activities and when one of hers says they're bored. She may suggest a few ideas 'what about...'. Still complaining? She says ' ive given some suggestions now go and do something or we can let the lollysticks decide' .

I agree. It works fine if your child can leave the house to go and find someone to play with/something to do. If it means parents policing their behaviour that no I don’t think it’s helpful developmentally.

The whole point is that the child is given space to follow their own interests. For some children this may well mean they start their magnum opus but for others it’s going to mean climbing out the bathroom window.

Obviously it means off screens!

It either means screen time or it means getting into things they shouldn't. Stopping this happening means endless policing of what they do

If your children are NT and you've parented them well then you shouldn't need to be policing what they do to stop them getting up to mischief.
You should be able to tell them not to watch screens or piss about and they won't.

leaving them to be bored means no screens. It’s amazing the games my two come up with when I leave them to it and ignore the pleads for screens.

Or really it’s not amazing, it’s exactly what we did as kids, and what kids have done since kids were invented.

YABU, mine are younger than you're discussing here, but they're out at nursery/school and ASC five days a week so we do have to make a concerted effort to get them real downtime at home at the weekend (and often fail because life is busy). They get TV time too, but I mean time where they just potter around and play with their toys.

The point is that children often don't know how to just "be" any more, they need to be entertained or doing something at all times. When mine were small they were entertained in restaurants with activity packs and stuff we'd brought from home rather than learning the fine art of waiting and having a conversation or just letting their mind wander. Nowadays they have screens. Now they are adults/late teen they can't even contemplate going anywhere without their phone and headphones to entertain them. Sitting on a train staring out of the window and just thinking is a complete no go.

So yes, children should be bored sometimes and learn to make their own entertainment that doesn't involve a screen or being spoon fed it. Children nowadays aren't really so different to children years ago so why can't they be bored?

Or they could be really rebellious and read a book!!

You talk about this as if it’s something new / revolutionary, when it really isn’t. On the contrary, I think the trend of overscheduling and keeping children really busy with numerous activities is a more recent development. Nothing wrong with being left to their own devices, though that shouldn’t really involve screen time.

as PPs have said, my children come up with amazing and creative games when left to their own devices.

I have allowed my kids to get bored. And they’ve filmed a movie, read books, invented board games, played hide-and-seek, had fights and made up again and baked cakes. They’ve also learned that if they approach me during school holidays with ‘I’m bored’ then they will do some on-the-job training in emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the loo, running the washing machine or doing the ironing.

Removing devices is the point. It's not a bug, it's the feature - getting kids to access boredom is about removing the brain- and physical-habits of reaching for a screen the second our mind isn't receiving a dopamine hit. It's incredibly damaging that we even let our adult brains get into that pattern, and for young brains we have no idea how serious it will be for their focus, emotions, and mental health as they get older (but the fact that silicon valley tech CEOs don't let their kids have smartphones until older teens gives you some clue).

We've got so used to normalising letting devices babysit and fulfil our children that to "remove all devices" is seen as somehow monstrous, out of touch, and unworkable. We've not just managed but thrived for years with books, trees, colouring pens and paper, balls, music albums, board games and Lego not just being enjoyed by children, but failing to track them for algorithmic purposes!

I know it can feel daunting and impossible "in today's world", and you're right about the privilege of space/a safe home, but looking at the children I know who have that kind of play versus those who immediately get hits off a device at any given lull, I know which ones seem to have more resilience, patience, imagination and good humour. It's not an impossible option (we're 5 in a two-bed flat), we just have to engage with the sticky bits of parenting.

I understand the theory. I'm just not really sure how this works in practice because if anything it seems to be the opposite for me.

Maybe I'm just a really shit parent: I'm a single mother to a 12 year old and I work from home a fair bit of the week. My DD is at school most of the time obviously and in some after school clubs so it's only a few hours during the working week when she's at home and I'm working. But if she is left alone for any length of time at home when I'm working she will eventually default to wanting to go on screen. I can obviously wander in and stop this (and I do, frequently). But that means me constantly having to go in and say "come off Minecraft/Stop watching TV". She then gets "bored" and it leads to her being distracted and round and round it goes. Yes she will paint and read. But only with encouragement from me. I have to actively facilitate this.

Maybe I've failed hideously, but for me the "boredom = creativity" doesn't compute. If anything it's more the other way around. The more bored she gets, the more she wants to go on screens and the more I have to intervene to stop that happening. So it doesn't really work that way for me.

This makes me feel very old. I'm mid 40s and my childhood school holidays allowed for a generous amount of boredom. I read a lot, went for bike rides, had friends over to play, went swimming. Not much was scheduled. I think most kids can cope with that even now. It just might take a bit of practice.

Just remove the screens! Maybe encourage them to read a book. There may have to be a bit of direction, but it's not about over-scheduling and micro-managing. Give them the opportunities, and kids will entertain themselves. Or if they spend an afternoon lying on their bed daydreaming, that's fine too - we all did that back in the day.

I think 12 is a tricky age with it as they don’t really play like younger children do; mine are fine with no activity and no screens as they have lots of toys. At 12 I think most kids gravitate to spending time with friends or screen’s unfortunately

Also at 12 they are nearly a teen and bored teenagers usually means doing something a bit silly, hopefully harmless silliness but some times not

Once kids get "bored" these days they invariably reach for screens. Now, obviously it's up to us as parents to manage this. But there's a limit to how much you can police this, short of removing all devices.

No there isn't. They are called rules and in our house we have them. There's no tablets/computers/phone games mon - fri in our house (primary aged kids) and fixed, short slots on weekends. There's no free access to screens whatsoever and they know it. The whole point is not to allow screens as a quick fix for boredom.

Yes I was going to say the same, I think this discussion is usually around younger kids. I know when I was 12 my free time was spent either reading, out with friends - or in front of a screen.

So glad I grew up before mobiles and screens as did my dc, they all had mobiles for their 16 birthdays. not many kids did back then.
Life was a lot easier without screens.

Just don't let them get into a habit of relying on screens. Problem solved.

I do just remove all devices! They only get them at a certain time each day. Obviously, it would be great if they could set their own limits but they can't. They got fully addicted to screens during lockdown and now this is necessary.

OP, sitting around on her own is very boring for a 12 year old. Mine need to catch up with friends. Maybe invite a friend over or they could go out somewhere in a group?

Your child being 12 is a big drip feed. Do you live somewhere she can easily see friends in person?

I disagree. My screens are all limited, so off the kids go making dens under the dining table, developing new skate board moves in the park, building a bridge across a narrow stream, making cakes, weird flavoured smoothies. Mine are good at entertaining themselves.

Yes you do have to police screens. We do, we remove them completely, we have designated days after school that they are not allowed them at all. There is enough research about childhood mental health and the negative effect of screens that it is a fight I’m willing to have. My oldest is 13 so similar sort of age and she draws, knits, sews, does photography, reads, phones her friends (old school!), goes for a run…it’s perfectly possible for young teens to entertain themselves without.

Where does it say its the current vogue, hasn't it always been so?