To think that the current vogue for allowing kids to be "bored" is a bit misguided

[Thepeopleversuswork]

Have been thinking about this a lot recently, prompted by posts on here and things in the media. It's become very fashionable for people to talk about how important it is for children to be allowed to "be bored" sometimes.

I totally understand and support the principle of this: which is that overzealous scheduling and helicopter parenting is not great for many kids. I think there is a place for not having your entire life planned out from dawn to dusk and for learning to entertain yourself.

But in reality I think this "leave them to get bored" is often quite unworkable. Once kids get "bored" these days they invariably reach for screens. Now, obviously it's up to us as parents to manage this. But there's a limit to how much you can police this, short of removing all devices. It would be great if "being bored" always meant directing kids out to rough and tumble play in the hayfields or making dens in the living room or finger painting, but that usually isn't what it means. It either means screen time or it means getting into things they shouldn't. Stopping this happening means endless policing of what they do. So, forgive me but given the choice I'd rather my kid was doing an after-school club than playing four hours of Minecraft (sorry Minecraft) or watching TV or being bullied by me to be "creatively bored".

"Constructive" boredom as its preached is one of these lovely ideas (a bit like "free range" parenting) that's much much easier to achieve if you have a huge five-bedroom pile in the home counties than if you live in a cramped two bed flat (from which you also work). It's pretty unworkable for most parents and I'm starting to find it increasingly irritating when people parrot this as if it were a solution to all parenting dilemmas.

Yes, this is exactly the thing I think kids are missing - not solitary reading/ drawing time (although maybe some are too) but time with other kids messing about, pushing boundaries, unsupervised by adults. Hard to create in the modern world - certainly in cities - where there are few chances to play out.

No screens has always been the mainstay in this I house with both children having phones at 12 and then meticulously eeeked out screen time and few apps.

Son has x box but plays 3/Wk. Dd uninterested in gaming. Have tired to get both of them into Minecraft/Roblox but they find that meaningless.

We have never shown any interest in screen and the whole YouTube/instagram/TikTok thing has passed them both by thank god.

Son uses snap chat etc to chat with mates but can be found outside playing sport most of the time. Dd is similar.

depends so much on the kids and I think being a single parent with an only child puts an entirely different complexion on things. Don’t worry about it.

but also, a 12 year old bugging me for attention when I am at work would get short shrift. When repeated I think this would lead to boredom-independence. Perhaps you’re too quick to give in and entertain??

In our house boredom has never meant "Ive got nothing to do, Ill get a screen" - Screentime is a fun thing for up to an hour a day. Beyond that mine get bored (they actually requested I restrict their screentime) Boredom in our house means books, playing, games, outside, inside, activities, crafts, chatting, adventures.

And sitting in a chair day dreaming, going for a walk, lying on the grass and looking at the clouds.

As an adult does someone else plan your whole life out? Or do you plan out every hour of your own life out? I am guessing the answer to both questions is no. Now if you choose to plan out every inch of your child’s life that’s up to you. As a widowed parent, with mental health issues and a job, I have neither the time nor the inclination to do that. My kids seem pretty happy and healthy. So I guess you do you, and I will do me.

How will kids learn to use their imagination if they never have to find something to do to occupy themselves?

It's hardly a new concept. I very clearly remember being told only boring people get bored, use your imagination when I was 6 years old and I'm nearly 50. This having kids constantly entertained is very very new and not great. And the idea that downtime has to be screen time or books is also worrying.

Absolutely!!! I don't understand your original post OP! Being bored means NO SCREENS or other obvious input.

Also grew up in a tiny terraced house. One TV for the lounge: neither me or sister had a TV. A VHS. No gaming. No large spaces. TV was 4 channels with what was on was what you got.
Not ancient. 40's.
Not allowed to roam the streets before 13.
Survived,
Not bored.
Professional!!

My home situation isn’t comparable to you (2 parent family both with low hours jobs) and my dd is almost 5 but we have just not done screens. She has a tablet for long car journeys, mainly skiing with me when I need her to not bother me when I’m driving in dangerous conditions. But otherwise there are no screens in our main living space (tv tucked away elsewhere) and she rarely if ever asks for it. I don’t know how long we’ll get away with it but so far it has not been a battle. She also is able to entertain herself for long periods (an hour + regularly). She is currently doing some kind of game involving tiny bunnies going on vacation, apart from tiny toys ending up all over the kitchen, she actively wants to do this on her own.

That said, she does not seem to be a typical child. She is at the far end of the gifted spectrum and her imagination and verbal ability has always been a long way ahead of her age. I have often felt she doesn’t get bored because she has a big inner life so she just goes there. I can’t say our parenting can take any credit for that!

Does your dd have other stuff she could do alone? I have a similar age dd and screens are not the go to. They have always been an after thought in our home. What are your dds interests does she have access to things that she is interested in like art supplies? For example my eldest will use her ‘bored’ time, swinging about on an indoor swing, rolling about on the sofa, chatting to me, she then finds something to do by herself which could be, walking to her friends house, playing with the dog, riding her bike, sewing, painting, making bracelets, drawing, playing outside with whatever she finds out there, reading, wandering around watching the world go by, making stuff out of the recycling, making scavenger hunts for me or her sister, hiding fake spiders in her sister bed, trying on all her clothes and doing makeup, doing some of her activity books, making simple snacks or meals, often making strange concoctions with food and drinks. There will be other stuff but I can’t think of everything. Non of this is directed by me. She will initially complain but I just be clear that she best go away or I can find her plenty of jobs to do.
I know as they get older they use screens more and socialise using them but this can also be limited and many many generations coped without them.

Being bored and limiting screens is imperative for good MH for adults and children alike.

I think it’s hard if she’s just in house alone. More likely to entertain themselves if there’s a few of them and no screens.
I’m a guide leader (girls 10-13) and whilst we obviously do structured activities we have time they can just be. We put phones away so they are phone free.
Last week we went for a walk in woods. They asked if they could play hide and seek, sorted themselves out into teams/rules and had a great time.
This week we did a planned cooking activity but then they free styled it with leftovers - group with bread, went over to group with garlic and they made garlic bread. Plus time just playing outside - they cartwheel, chase etc.

This sounds great. I think group/ social settings where free time is built in is really good - the happiest days of my childhood we’re definitely when it was a group of us, mixed ages left to just be - recently we went to a 40th & all the kids were in the big field having a kickabout, practicing cartwheels etc while the adults gave them space instead of helicoptering & it felt like, “yes, this is what they need”.

I think the experiencing boredom bit has to include no screens.

Same here, 46. We had one TV, and I didn't have a phone until I was in my twenties.

Filling your time independently is a learned skill that, IMO, is harder to teach the older they get. It's going to be really tricky at 12yo and require listening to a lot of whinging. Just like other skills such as tying shoe laces, it takes more of your time initially than just doing the thing yourself, but the payoff long term is worth it.
We also do PP's "No more screens, it's time to go and find something productive to do". If they fight, they are sent to their rooms to separate them and after an initial strop will soon start independently playing/reading/drawing etc. Within half an hour they are usually sneaking back and forth between their rooms and playing nicely together (I strategically ignore that they've not been told they can 'come out' yet). Complaints of boredom or getting up to no good gets them a chore. I usually only have to threaten it now ("Great! I needed help weeding the veg patch/other very dull chore, so that's perfect timing! Grab your wellies, we'll do it now!") to get them backing away and suddenly deciding they do have things to do, but you have to be prepared to drop everything yourself to facilitate the boring job. As long as you're consistent, you soon rarely have to carry it out - a bit like your DCs knowing you mean business if they misbehave when out at an activity, they will be warned once then packed back into the car and driven home.

I'm fed up with the demonstration of screen time tbh. Playing Roblox allows my anxious daughter a bit of escapism. She will never be super sporty or into zillions of activities and is on the asd spectrum and finds school quite overwhelming, so definitely needs some brain-downtime.

I think the whole point is to let them get bored but don’t let them go on screens!! Put the screens away? My kids aren’t allowed unlimited access to them (if they were, I doubt they’d ever do much else).

‘But there's a limit to how much you can police this, short of removing all devices. ‘

you remove the Devices. It’s really is that simple. It’s called parenting.

@TakemedowntoPotatoCity have you considered they’re making her more anxious?

every single report ever is saying too much screen time is bad for children, but you do you. There will always be exceptions. But
SEN kids are the expedition not the rule.

You need to put internet restrictions on her devices.

Not sure what you're insinuating - she doesn't have social media at all or chat, and I play roblox with her! (We do do other stuff as well!)

I think you might be projecting a bit there. It’s a solution the OP might find lowers screen time.

I don't think being bored is a good thing at all. Who wants to be bored? They don't have to have scheduled activities but when my children were very young I would entertain them, help them with art reading etc and when they were older they did those things by themselves.

the point is the screens aren't available and they have to find things to do - not that you do it for them 😂
Your child is screen dependant and to me that was unacceptable. You can live however you want but it doesn't mean others are 'wrong'