To think that the current vogue for allowing kids to be "bored" is a bit misguided

[Thepeopleversuswork]

Have been thinking about this a lot recently, prompted by posts on here and things in the media. It's become very fashionable for people to talk about how important it is for children to be allowed to "be bored" sometimes.

I totally understand and support the principle of this: which is that overzealous scheduling and helicopter parenting is not great for many kids. I think there is a place for not having your entire life planned out from dawn to dusk and for learning to entertain yourself.

But in reality I think this "leave them to get bored" is often quite unworkable. Once kids get "bored" these days they invariably reach for screens. Now, obviously it's up to us as parents to manage this. But there's a limit to how much you can police this, short of removing all devices. It would be great if "being bored" always meant directing kids out to rough and tumble play in the hayfields or making dens in the living room or finger painting, but that usually isn't what it means. It either means screen time or it means getting into things they shouldn't. Stopping this happening means endless policing of what they do. So, forgive me but given the choice I'd rather my kid was doing an after-school club than playing four hours of Minecraft (sorry Minecraft) or watching TV or being bullied by me to be "creatively bored".

"Constructive" boredom as its preached is one of these lovely ideas (a bit like "free range" parenting) that's much much easier to achieve if you have a huge five-bedroom pile in the home counties than if you live in a cramped two bed flat (from which you also work). It's pretty unworkable for most parents and I'm starting to find it increasingly irritating when people parrot this as if it were a solution to all parenting dilemmas.

I also draw a distinction between watching a decent film vs scrolling Youtube. I'm a lot more relaxed about the former and I'm resisting tablets for as long as I possibly can.

Summer is much easier because my children just love being outside playing. Beyond the odd suggestion, and the purchase of things like pavement chalks etc. I try not to get involved in their games because I don't want them to rely on me in that way.

I get that at 12 it's a bit harder. At that age I was obsessed with CDs and magazines like Smash Hits, but things have moved on now. I suppose we had Nickelodeon and the music channels etc which I don't remember being restricted unless my parents were watching something, but it was all repeats after a while. I hope my kids will enjoy reading like I did.

Have to confess that my above post applies to my primary aged kids. My 16 year old now has no rules in relation to screen time. And his PS4 is even in his room! 🙈 but the reason I’ve taken the shackles off, is that he’s really good at self-regulating. He plays a lot of sport, and when he’s not playing organised sport he’s out the back playing basketball or going to the gym. He gets enough school work done. So if he decides he wants to rot his brain on his phone for an hour, I let him. But it’s only on the last 2 years that this has been the case, previously I was pretty regimented with him too.

At 12 they can set their own limits and exceptions and police themselves, with discussion. Then, when they break their own rules (mine do all the time) it just reinforces how addictive screens are and how limits are necessary. To me, the end goal is self regulation. Anyway, that's the approach I'm taking. I think it's working, but they do still want to play computer games every single day. On the other hand, it is a very social activity. I'm a bit torn on this, actually. I know several people who won't let their kids on screens at all and those kids are all big high achievers. But their achievements tend to be parent valued status things like classical piano. When kids themselves value modern culture skills more, so I do wonder if the no screens approach is also a bit misguided. I don't know really.

Not sure if this has already been said (I haven't RTFT), but in my experience, it helps when they have a similar aged sibling to hang out with. My boys (18 months apart) used to enjoy doing things together and even if it was a bit noisy or messy, I had to turn a blind eye (and ear!) To that. It got more difficult as they became teens though and we usually had to go out of the house to encourage a bit of interaction!

I don’t think it’s the current vogue at all. Current vogue seems to be more focused on the parents (usually the mother) providing all all of the kids entertainment and stimulation. I think allowing children to be bored used to just to be called parenting. My parents, and certainly my grandparents, never felt as though it was their job to entertain us. I do agree that in the olden days pre screens this was easier with older kids, but I really don’t think it has anything to do with income or socioeconomic status.

I agree. Left to their own devices, they will choose devices.
I think people give advice from years ago when their children were smaller and the world was different or from looking nostalgically to their childhood.
Most parents are stumbling in the dark like the rest of us and having a child that turns out well and active is to no small part a pot of luck.

I highly doubt it’s damaged her. She sounds like a perfectly normal 12 year old. V normal to test boundaries, especially if she’s been used to you filling gaps in her entertainment. I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with kids having screen time, she should just be encouraged to do other things as well.

OP if your child is 12 then I think it’s probably very different. I can only speak for younger kids.

We never gave them the screens. None of my kids have a tablet and none of them would ever turn on the TV without asking.

They are 4, 7 and 9 and the default is playing/reading/drawing/etc. And as a PP said, if they tell me they’re bored, they get a job 😂

I know it won’t last though. My oldest is asking for a phone for her next birthday as a few of her friends have and though DH and I are not sold on the idea yet, I can see a shift is coming in the next couple of years for her at least.

My dc are adults now but wouldn't complain of being bored to me because they knew that I had a list of tasks that I'd hand out to anyone who was bored much like my own dm used to do to me. Dd now complains that dgs wants entertaining constantly where she remembers entertaining herself quite happily and I think it's mostly because that is what he is accustomed to whereas dd never saw me as her playmate. I'd play games occasionally, we'd bake together and I read to her but she mostly played with her siblings or with her toys.

My son needs outside stimulation and not very good with being bored. He has a huge amount of energy (he's 19 now, and today he was at the gym at 8am, full day at work, then off to kickboxing) and when younger he would turn to computer games ( he's never had a tablet and phone only once in secondary). So if he got bored I'd hear about it!
My daughter is full of imagination, very self contained and on the odd occasion she got bored... well next thing you know she's built a house out of boxes complete with skylights and extensions. Then she'll decide to cut up wrapping paper to decorate it...
So it works for some not others. When I was a kid it was books you could always get lost in. Or go for a bike ride. Not so much these days!

I agree that kids should be bored at times, and work out what to do. Mine did/do that and it has been fine.

We managed it in a 2-bed as well, don't agree you need a big house to practice this

If you don't want to follow this parenting approach @Thepeopleversuswork that is up to you, but that is your choice, it is perfectly achievable if you wanted to acheive it.

I don’t think that’s true if they’re generally reasonably sensible. My 13 year old recently had a 2 week screen ban. After a bit of moaning he cooked, read. Book, played his guitar, talked to me, watched a bit of Netflix (he was allowed it on the family tv) and proactively did his homework as well as played on his skateboard. Was very pleasant after the initial moaning

I think with some kids it just takes longer to find something to do that's not on a screen. My DS 11 finds it hard to play by himself, he'd rather be doing sport with friends which isnt always possible but when I have removed devices and stuck to it he does usually eventually find something to do...at the moment, drawing or playing random games with his sister. But it isn't Instant so you have to wait it out, like a couple of hours of him moaning that he's bored!

My DD is obsessed with screens and will probably go into a career using computers and would choose screens over anything else.

Which is why I say to her that between X and Y time she needs to do something other than screens.

She draws, paints, colours, creates jewellery, writes stories, crafts etc and it definitely makes a difference else she wouldn’t ever use her creative side.

She always get crafty things as presents and most things she can reuse like paints.

Its incredibly important for kids to be bored and find something to do.
I can imagine then finding school and work and life difficult if they can’t.

Surely your DD has no screens for at least 30mins before bedtime so what does she do then?

I never took it to mean that their time was organised. I thought it meant just being alone with their thoughts and imagination. Eg sitting quietly in a car journey or just playing with their toys etc. Obviously no screen time at all. It's about having a break from the stresses of life - and something most adults would struggle with!

Surely 'allowing them to be bored' means getting them off screens, not giving them screens?

Some kids are better at this than others. My eldest (21) is very creative and artistic. He could lose himself quite happily for hours playing Lego, cars, drawing, reading, making comics etc. He can move from 'bored' to 'engrossed in self directed activity' very quickly and easily.

My youngest (7) seems to have no capacity for self entertainment. His toys go unplayed with for the most part, and he always wants to be playing out with his friends or playing sport. We are lucky in that we live in a small, safe, rural village with lots of kids to roam about with, but in a 1 bedroom city centre flat he'd be a nightmare! When he gets really bored and there are no other kids about he has been known to call on adult neighbours for a chat!

Having said that, I probably don't give it long enough. When my eldest babysits his little brother he does a lot more ignoring than I do, and sure enough DS 2 will eventually wander to his bedroom to play Lego or whatever. Its harder with some kids, but we do need to try and fight the urge to 'solve' boredom for them. I get it though, it's really hard sometimes!

At high school, screens are a huge part of life. iPads are their main way of communicating with their teachers and classmates and completing school work.

When they are tiny it's easy to have control over the situation but not realistic as they get older unfortunately.

I once read a thing that says 'a key difference between children and adults is adults have learned how to manage their frustration, a focal point of parenting therefore is to teach the ability to manage frustration' aka be comfortable with boredom and find their own interest in the absence of constant interaction.

This is a very middle class centric view of what childhood should be. The idea that well brought up children will be happy to sit and engage in solitary activities is pretty depressing. Reminds me of the Jane Austen women whiling away the time on pointless needlework projects.

Children are social. They want to play with others. They want to use their whole bodies. That’s how they really learn and develop.

You can't use your whole body when you're doing stuff by yourself/with a sibling?

Someone had better tell my kids to stop practising basketball, trying to learn how to do a cartwheel, lipsynching/air guitarist to music, making up mad games that always involve the possibility that someone will fall down the stairs...

But equally they both do really need down time. Alone time. One is a total bookworm now, but found it hard to get into reading for pleasure when screens were more available. One loves making up stories for himself. One is into art and is messing around with cartooning and comic strips, the other one is trying to learn to write with a calligraphy pen. They both love Lego but in totally different ways. It's not depressing at all, they're fascinating and glorious and developing all kinds of interests and skills they wouldn't have without a bit of undirected/empty time.

A club or two isn't the issue but there are children going to clubs...1 or 2 every night after school and a few over the weekend wearing everyone out.

Really struggling to see what’s middle class about it? Surely kids (of all socioeconomic backgrounds) need downtime without constant stimulation?

Also allowing children to be bored during the day doesn’t preclude them from moving their
bodies and playing with other kids. It just means their parents/guardians are not constantly micromanaging their free time.

I totally agree with not managing their time. What I disagree with is that this is working well of the child then engages in quiet, solitary activities.

Children given true undirected time will want to play outside with other children. Here they’ll push boundaries, get into trouble and put themselves in potentially dangerous situations, eg climbing trees. This is the type of play that’s not open to our children and exactly what they would benefit from most.

It's much easier to be bored with other children than bored alone. I definitely spent most of my childhood bumbling around the house but was lucky enough to have 2 other siblings to do that with. Single children need to socialise through more structured activities.