Thoughts on teacher’s comment

[RexMyDarling]

was at a kids birthday party over the weekend and a random child I’ve never spoken to (or his parents) and who is not a particular from of my DD came up to me and said that everyone knows DD does no work in class. DD is probably ADHD (as I am) so it’s not a surprise to me, but it was a surprise that he knew this when he doesn’t sit next to her. Or even on the same table.

He went on to explain that DD had offered to take some work home to complete it to the teacher but the teacher had said ‘you only want to do that so your mum can do it for you!’ And I’m stunned. I’m a secondary school teacher, which the class teacher knows, so a little professional courtesy wouldn’t go amiss here but also why is this being announced to the whole class?

DD doesn’t say much about school but I asked her this and she agreed it was said.

She’s year 3. AIBU to think you don’t say things like this to the class at general? AIBU to be pissed off that my daughter’s difficulties are broadcast like this? Is it a safeguarding issue do you think?

Not bashing teachers because I believe in supporting my colleagues but feel this particular one has stepped out of line.

Did I say all adhd people are the same? Don’t twist my words because you personally do not like what I’ve written. And tell me about a child who feels like they’re doing as well as their peers who asks to take their class work home? Especially when said classmates are telling her mum exactly how she’s struggling in school. Gosh what would one call school work that they do at home again?

Sure there may be several reasons why a child isn’t completing work in school, but adhd is the key issue the op has raised, and it presents in many girls as inattentive behaviour. You might be given the 2 + 2 and trying to make 10 but I’ve only replied to the op in response to the exact information she has given. If there are other reasons why her child is struggling, she has not chosen to share and I would’ve so rude as to suggest my own narrative on why her daughter is struggling.

Yeah you're right, it'll probably be all over the news tomorrow. If only she had posted on an anonymous forum that only a small proportion of the population use... 🤔

Clearly I know nothing

Relatively speaking you don't seem to, unfortunately, @Icedlatteplease. I have met a good number of parents, teachers and even SEN(D)COs of children with ADHD who unfortunately have a very one-dimensional (and incorrect) understanding of ADHD. Fine if they are prepared to develop their understanding over time (as new research comes out all the time anyway), not if not and they are intransigently dictating nonsense. The fact that you are not acknowledging and learning form the other posts but dismissing them suggests to me you might come into this camp.

You may also find that your children's difficulties are quite subtle and don't come to light straight away, or change as they get older or in different environments - secondary school, 6th form, university and work can all be times of considerable challenge even if they are able to work well in a primary (and secondary) class. Other children will be struggling in different or more overt ways. ADHD can present differently even in the same sex in the same family, let alone across different families, male or female, with comorbidities and other factors. Also important in presentation at school is whether a child is on medication or not (but no child should be obliged to be medicated for ADHD if that's not their parents' choice because there are pros and cons including some newly-discovered later-life risks from long term use).

Ask how the tables are arranged. No it really won't help here to be next to kids who are distracting her. sometimes theres a habit of clumping kids with SN together. Often it's done for good reason, to focus any intervention they can fund on as many children as possible. For example at primary DS' EHCP was funding a one to one but he was often sat with other kids with SN who essentially benefitting from his intervention.

Pragmatically this can be often be ok, but actually it can be really bad for ADHD. (I try and put kids with ADHD as separate as possible in corners on their own desks, not always possible in mainstream!!)

Also how do you get to school? Can you walk to school, at least part of the way?

Does she tend to spin, bounce or hang ? "Bouncers" tend to benefit from some kind of trampoline/trampette at home, "spinners" by those shell shaped spinney things if she's small enough or those standing spinning things if not, "hangers" from monkey bars in the garden or pull up bars in a doorway. Ideally you want her on them before school. Alternatively (or additionallly) you want a physical activity (like swimming) she does at least 3 times a week after school. Would she have a go at some kind of kids yoga regularly? (Wii fit can be good for this)

Also search fidget cushion on amazon for school.

Telling someone to get a grip really isn’t an insult, I can’t help it if you’re sensitive about someone being direct…

As for the teacher comment, being married to one and by extension knowing a lot I’m well aware a lot of teachers don’t like others assuming things about their role (many are sensitive about it), perhaps you’re not one of those, who knows.

As for the surgeon, if I needed my leg cutting off and your brain surgeon husband was the only option, sure.

Anyway, clearly we’re on a different page. For now I’ll stick with attached legs but I’ll be sure to let you know if that changes.

If I heard that my child was doing no work in class my reaction would be to try and figure out if it was true that my child wasn't working and work towards fixing that. Most children know who does their work and who doesn't, who is a messer and who isn't etc. I wouldn't be freaking out and calling the fact that a child overheard an interaction between my child and the teacher a safeguarding issue. If the teacher announced to the class that your dd only wanted to take it home for her mum to do then your daughter also announced to the class that she hadn't done her work.

Funny my understanding is so one-dimensional that I have been the one to make all the practical ADHD management suggestions (all tried and tested either by my own kids, friends kids or adult friends with ADHD) on this thread.....

I do agree I'm not a huge fan of ADHD medication. I'm loathed to see any child medicated for ADHD, especially when so many practical interventions haven't been tried first.

This is a bit weird. I thought lots of things several years ago that I have completely different opinions on now. I think that’s pretty normal.

It sounds unprofessional of the teacher but then maybe your child wasn’t getting on with their work in the lesson and they were feeling exasperated.

How is it a safeguarding issue?

Oh come on, if you're a teacher you must know that this doesn't come close to a safeguarding issue.

The teacher spent a frustrating lesson trying to persuade your kid to do their work. Ultimately, the work was not done and your child - probably because the alternative was completing it at playtime or during art - offered to do it at home. The teacher made a throwaway comment about them preferring to do it at home because mum would do it.

They didn't reveal a diagnosis, any personal information, or anything at all that revealed that your child struggled academically. It was the sort of remark a teacher might make to anyone who buggered about all lesson and didn't get the work done.

The right thinking response to this is having a stern word with your kid and then asking the teacher what you can do to support.

Honestly, swinging to your child's defence about this will have unintended consequences that you'll end up regretting in about seven years.

Kids love tattling on each other. They're 7/8 year olds, ignore.

I have ADHD, being sensitive comes with the territory.

also, your husband being a teacher does not prove you know anything.

read my post again. Maybe you’ll get my point about the surgery! 🙄🙄🙄

She’s at the front of the class but on a table with ‘all the naughty boys’ (her words) and they ‘distract her’.

This is exactly what happened to me at school in year 4 at school for the whole year. I wasn't able to articulate it to my parents at the time so they didn't realise even though they were also teachers and would have known what to do. It was handled better by other teachers but still affected me in various ways going up the school including in terms of friendship groups that had started when we moved from infants to juniors in that year and was not an appropriate way of dealing with what I much later found out to be ADHD.

The teacher was young and the guidance wouldn't have been there in the 80s as it is now and my presentation was subtle at the time so I don't hold it against her but the fact is that it was a traumatic blight on my childhood and I remember it vividly now. I did use it positively to advise teachers about my own children.

OP I do not doubt that the teacher has been saying this about your daughter and "jokey" or not it is not appropriate and I think that the teacher should have approached you as both teacher to parent and teacher to teacher about this problem earlier.

PM me if you would like to discuss further OP. As I don't want to go into loads of detail about our family in an open post.

So what help are you pursuing for your DD? How long has she not been able to complete any work at school? How far are you in the diagnosis process? Have you spoken to the SENCO about her difficulties? What strategies have you discussed implementing with school?

So fed up of these contrary replies. Completely pointless

Teachers can, and do tell lies!!!

this doesn't come close to a safeguarding issue

It probably doesn't, but it possibly could do.

If it turns out this has been going on a while and the teacher is singling out the student, making her feel bad about herself, not using alternative techniques to try and improve her performance in class, and not liaising properly with her parents and other support available within the school or academy group/LA.

If the teacher has really implied that she cheats on her homework that's going to be taken to heart by this child and is really poor from the teacher as things you hear from teachers in primary school, good or bad, can stay with you for life. I think the SEND co-ordinator should be asked by you to attend any meeting and if this teacher is the SEND co-ordinator then a member of SLT should be in attendance.

Honestly, swinging to your child's defence about this will have unintended consequences that you'll end up regretting in about seven years.

Nonsense. Nothing my parents ever did to intervene at school, nor I for my children, has had bad consequences as far as we can tell. Only good ones. You do have to be careful, informed, and no go in all guns blazing, and also not take any actual nonsense from your children, but OP definitely should intervene and in the meantime talk to her child in a way that explores difficulties and doesn't make the child feel even worse about any struggles she might be having.

I think sometimes it's hard to see the wood from the trees.

People aren't perfect, sometimes they say stupid things.

However if it causes the OP to reevaluate the support her DD is receiving and DD's needs that is a bigger win than making a fuss about something stupid a teacher did or did not say.

The core behind it is that for whatever reason the OPs DD is known for not doing work (and yes, other kids know). The OP knows this to be true. What is most valuable now is sorting out why. Sending an arsey email with safeguarding issues is likely to achieve bugger all. Especially when in 2-3 months time the OP is most likely going to need the teacher in question to complete a questionaire which is long and detailed which if done well will hugely benefit DD and that the teacher will probably have to do in her own time.

Working with the school and teacher to get life working better for DD is a much bigger win.

Then you should know it's not a safeguarding issue Do you do your kids homework for them?

I agree with you op, I’d be worried/angry.
I don’t know why everyone automatically assumes the kids are lying. Yes, clarify it first with the teacher of course, but people need to be aware that there are bad teachers and this does happen! (I’m also a teacher)

Just speak to the teacher. Think about it, you've never done her homework so wouldn't that be SUCH a random thing for the teacher to say?

Given your daughter wasn’t bothered enough by it to initially tell you, I’d be inclined to let it go. She’ll have a new teacher within a few weeks. The comment could have been made with a smile on her face, as an obvious joke?

I'm not assuming the kids are lying.

But if the teacher said, after an hour of frustration whilst trying to teach and also encourage this pupil to complete their work, something akin to 'yes I'm sure you'd rather do it at home so your mum can help you' (as the child argues that they'd rather do it at home than in playtime or ICT or whatever) then that still isn't a safeguarding issue.

Some parents won't be happy until there are no teachers left. They're not allowed to be human or make mistakes.