Thoughts on teacher’s comment

[RexMyDarling]

was at a kids birthday party over the weekend and a random child I’ve never spoken to (or his parents) and who is not a particular from of my DD came up to me and said that everyone knows DD does no work in class. DD is probably ADHD (as I am) so it’s not a surprise to me, but it was a surprise that he knew this when he doesn’t sit next to her. Or even on the same table.

He went on to explain that DD had offered to take some work home to complete it to the teacher but the teacher had said ‘you only want to do that so your mum can do it for you!’ And I’m stunned. I’m a secondary school teacher, which the class teacher knows, so a little professional courtesy wouldn’t go amiss here but also why is this being announced to the whole class?

DD doesn’t say much about school but I asked her this and she agreed it was said.

She’s year 3. AIBU to think you don’t say things like this to the class at general? AIBU to be pissed off that my daughter’s difficulties are broadcast like this? Is it a safeguarding issue do you think?

Not bashing teachers because I believe in supporting my colleagues but feel this particular one has stepped out of line.

Who says she’s not trying? I didn’t read anything in the op that suggested her daughter has behaviour issues either. But of course some teachers do believe that kids not meeting their teachers work targets is a ‘behaviour issue’ I guess. Those darn SEN kids bringing your stats down, I can see how that’s frustrating for you. But yes, the magic EHCP that fixes everything. All you have to do is beg on your knees for one for years and eventually you may actually get your child approved for one. You may actually be lucky enough to find a mainstream school that takes it seriously as well…

You’re taking the word of two 7/8 year olds as gospel, of course you’re being unreasonable 😂

Maybe the teacher specifically wanted to see your DD tackle a particular bit of work to judge how she is doing. DD wanted to do it at home instead so teacher probably said something like I want to see you do it by yourself, which other children extrapolated to so your mother doesn't do it. Or perhaps she did say I want to make sure you attempt it without help. It's difficult to judge progress if you don't know how much help was given.

Storm in a teacup I think.

I was undiagnosed myself until two weeks ago! So I know exactly what you mean and loads of teachers said evil things to me too. And that’s why I’m concerned. Her adhd should be taken into consideration when saying things like that to her.

This wouldn't bother me if it was said in a jokey way...when I was in primary school there were people who never really got their work done, just messed around chatting and always tried to copy off other people etc (not saying your dd does this) and this is the sort of thing teachers would say to them if they asked to bring work home, but it was in a friendly way. Didn't mean they actually thought the mum would do the work for them! It just meant that they thought the child wasn't bothered to do the work then and there, they were procrastinating. Also, it was common knowledge who got their work done and who didn't...it wasn't that the teacher named and shamed them but when you're all in a small room together every day, you just know these things. You'd see who went up to get early finisher work, or the teacher would ask 'hands up who's finished..hands up who's still working?' if she was judging how much more time to give to a particular task. And if someone was messing around or daydreaming they'd definitely be told to get on with their work and other children notice things like that!

I pity any kids you have contact with if you automatically assume just because someone is young they’re lying.

It’s a weird comment from a teacher.
the comment might have been “why not try and do the work her rather than messing around ? If you take it home you’ll be tempted to ask your mum to answer the questions for you but I don’t think you need that help, I think you can get it done here, so have a go” … perhaps?

Ask the teacher if she has suggestions how dd can keep up in class and how you could help coach her to be less disruptive.

also check with the teacher she doesn’t mind you support dds learning at home.

Just to say, DD is not at all disruptive in class.

She has executive disfunction and struggles to complete the work past the date and learning objective.

Offering to complete work at home is more likely to be an excuse to not get on with it in the lesson. Sounds like that's how the teacher interpreted it anyway.
Kids at year 3 will know which ones are hard working/able and which aren't.
Remarks made in a classroom setting will be overheard by other children. It's not a safeguarding issue for children to overhear another child being told off.
This really sounds like a very normal exchange where the teacher is trying to humorously get the child to do some work.

I think parents should support teachers and not undermine them. Children are in school to learn regardless of what else they have going on.

I’d be more concerned that your child is refusing to do work in class. I don’t think what the teacher said is that bad.

In primary classrooms it’s very easy for children to pick up who works hard and who doesn’t. All it takes is a few lessons where one child has to be repeatedly reminded to get on with their work, stop talking or whatever.

I am incredibly supportive as it happens. That’s why the comment worried me.

Get a grip. You know there’s context to this rather than accusing me of saying everything a 7/8 year old (of which I have one and one older too before you think to question me) says is a lie. They’re talking to you about something they can’t possibly, or are highly unlikely to be able to, understand.

Well thankfully times have moved on and if children are picking up on a struggling child it is an excellent opportunity for parents to educate them and themselves on the extreme difficulties of the classroom environment on a child with ADHD, ASD or any other special educational needs. That way instead of easing judgy little tattletales they may think twice about how someone else is struggling with something they themselves may find quite simple. Be kind and all that.

That should be raising not easing of course…

Dysfunction.

Maybe they won't notice when you do her homework!

I wouldn't be happy if a teacher said this in front of the class.

I wouldn’t personally send the passive aggressive email posted previously without actually talking the teacher in question first. Certainly not off the back of a conversation you’ve had at a party with a 7 year old you don’t know well. May dent your credibility.

I would certainly go in to school and have a frank and honest discussion with the class teacher. I’d set goals and have a clear understanding what your child is and isn’t achieving in class, acknowledging their challenges and agree together how to overcome them. I have done this with my own child with SEN. I meet with his teacher every 6 weeks, he is also 7.

I can’t for the life of me think why this would be a safeguarding issue? It’s certainly a breakdown in communication between teacher and parent tho.

@Mikimoto you open a thread about a woman having concerns over her struggling daughter and spelling corrections what you feel is necessary to reply to the op? I’m honestly embarrassed for you here, that’s pretty low.

already mentioned I have ADHD. Also have dyslexia.

😍Thank you x

I wouldn’t personally send the passive aggressive email posted previously without actually talking the teacher in question first.

It’s in no way passive aggressive. It brings up the incident without suggesting that the op is taking it as 100% what the teacher actually said, whilst also moving the conversation on to what can actively be done to help the ops daughter. The key issue here is to get the SENCO involved so both daughter and teacher feel like she’s achieving more. I’d be asking for an IEP as well if she doesn’t already have one. Talking to the teacher will not solve her daughters feelings of floundering in the longterm, the issue with the teacher (if there is one) is simply a starting point onto the actual support system that needs to be started.

OP is a secondary school teacher, so this is what they are teaching.
The fact that they are dealing with learning issues is amazing, but it's also true that students need to be taught correctly.

I think gerrataere's response is perfect. It's not accusatory but it shows you're willing to work with them to come up with a solution.

I have to say though that I don't understand what this has to do with safeguarding? The teacher didn't do anything to make her unsafe?

Perhaps you should get a grip? Coming on a post just to insult someone? What do you get out of that?

The whole point of the whole post is, (which you’ve clearly missed) is it’s a quotation from a teacher, expressed without understanding of its meaning. Making it unlikely that it is a lie.

Children generally lie to get something or avoid something, not out of nowhere for no reason.

unless we’re talking about psychopaths which we aren’t in my case.

Well I hope they build those robot teachers who never make a single mistake soon for you. In the meantime you’re stuck with the human ones who are allowed to make simple mistakes at times, especially when quickly typing on the internet rather than spending hours editing a lesson plan.