Thoughts on teacher’s comment

[RexMyDarling]

was at a kids birthday party over the weekend and a random child I’ve never spoken to (or his parents) and who is not a particular from of my DD came up to me and said that everyone knows DD does no work in class. DD is probably ADHD (as I am) so it’s not a surprise to me, but it was a surprise that he knew this when he doesn’t sit next to her. Or even on the same table.

He went on to explain that DD had offered to take some work home to complete it to the teacher but the teacher had said ‘you only want to do that so your mum can do it for you!’ And I’m stunned. I’m a secondary school teacher, which the class teacher knows, so a little professional courtesy wouldn’t go amiss here but also why is this being announced to the whole class?

DD doesn’t say much about school but I asked her this and she agreed it was said.

She’s year 3. AIBU to think you don’t say things like this to the class at general? AIBU to be pissed off that my daughter’s difficulties are broadcast like this? Is it a safeguarding issue do you think?

Not bashing teachers because I believe in supporting my colleagues but feel this particular one has stepped out of line.

It’s definitely passive aggressive 😂

I couldn't care less about stats.

I care that unsupported ADHD is soul destroying for the kids involved

At yes not succeeding doesn't necessarily mean behaviour issues persay. But non production of work in class I would consider a behaviour problem whatever the cause. It is not a behaviour that we want and therefore it needs working on

yes the cause needs to be explored. But kids with SN can be naughty both cause they want to be and because misbehaving gets them out of doing whatever they are finding hard (eg concentrating on school). They can also struggle because of their SN. But it is really important to drill down what combination of the above is applicable in each case.

It's a hard balance but it will always work best where school and trying and child is trying.

But you are also working on the presumption that kids with ADHD can't succeed which is also not true. They can, it is possible. Also not every kids with ADHD has an EHCP. Some because they learn to self manage.

You are right, we don't give the right support automatically. We don't run sensory circuits multiple times a week before school (although DS's primary and secondary did because of DS' EHCP and they realised just how many kids benefitted). Some of the stuff we do at school is counter productive (not allowing headphones with music to work, hoodies banned when kids would benefit from having them up and reducing the sensory imput that way). If I had my way I would have a CAMHS and OT professional in every school who did classroom visits.

Even putting aside the problems with EHCP, there are things that could be done that arent. Parents don't necessarily do the simple stuff like ban/reduce sugar and caffeine. Kids dont want to give up tic tock and certain types of computer games which make the whole ADHD thing harder. Sometimes people don't even know the basic stuff like this helps.

EHCP is just one prong of a multidisciplinary attack, everything needs to come together for the best results.

I think I would ask for an appointment with the teacher and askmif your child had a problem in lessons like not finishing work or being lazy. I wouldnt quote that child.

This really is not OK. It needs much more investigation.

Does she work with visual timers, headphones etc

Follow it up with the school - even if it is my 5&7 year old children coming home with a strange comment or story from school we speak to the school to clarify.
Sometimes DC have got the wrong end of the stick but sometimes they have picked up on something and we've had an apology straight away from school.

It makes me so uncomfortable when two children or more confirm something was said or done and people here insist that they were lying for no other reason than the fact they are children. YANBU, @RexMyDarling

You must have forgotten the thread you were on a few years ago OP. Do a search on yourself. Quite enlightening. All about how kids lie about everything that happens at school and nobody should ever believe anything that's a criticism of a teacher because it's all lies.

Funny how times change.

Definitely shouldn’t ‘assume’ children are lying, just get both sides of the story.

If you say so 🤷‍♀️. Quite frankly it doesn’t matter, it’s not about saving the feelings of the adults here. It about taking an incident where the child is looking every which way to be like everyone else and evidently not being taken seriously by those in her classroom. That is the base on which to ask the SENCO for advice on how to give the child the fairness chance at an education.

No one is trying to get a teacher in trouble here, quite frankly if you have a SEN child you will at some point come across a teacher who say or does something incredibly naive that you have to deal with the fallout for your child. Yes, it does happen and I can give you plenty of examples. I am not saying that children can rely incidents word for word but SEN kids are too often treated like a burden (and so evidenced by some of the attitudes on here, even by some who say they’re teachers themselves), it is not beyond reach that there is truth amongst the tales.

True. But teachers are human and allowed to make mistakes. The amount of students it has helped over the years to know that I too make mistakes outweighs the damage done by a few spelling issues along the way.

The word dysfunction hasn’t come up on any of my DD’s spelling tests, so she’s probably safe from my inability to spell one word correctly.

Weird how you’ve got the time to check up on me.

I do change my mind based on new and different information. It’s called having an open mind.

Also is the work at the right level for her I'm the first place. How ate her gross and fine motor skills.

DS had a scribe for his work, but he was encouraged to try and work independently. When he did he was to focus on the work not the date and LO.

Date and LO is a useful discipline for NT kids but for a kid with a finite amount of concentration you need to get straight in with the work, when the work starts coming you can introduce date and LO later.

I 100% agree with you. I’ve experienced this multiple times, including the time my child with EDS was ridiculed for not being able to tie her own shoe laces in front of the class.

Personally, I find a face to face approach more productive. Especially if my ‘evidence’ isn’t solid. Sending multiple emails, for me, comes across as passive aggressive. You will get a thousand answers from the teachers body language alone.

What is so wrong with just talking these days?

I think it's probably time to have a catch up with the teacher about how your DD's ADHD is affecting her in class, do you and teacher think bringing tasks home to finish in a less distracting environment might be helpful or not, what can you do to support sense. You could mention the comment reported by the kids, even if in context of I think they must have got the wrong end of the stick but ...

I remember an incident with DC and a teacher at a similar age, similarly reported to me by another child and confirmed by my own. The teacher had really done and said the thing alleged in our case, it was very clumsy and DD had every reason to be upset, but the teacher's reason wasn't what the kids understood it to be - intentions good, empathy total fail. She apologised to my DC.

Yes, exactly as you say. Good as a piece of discipline but you’re right about the finite concentration.

a lot of her problems I think stem from fact she masks fairly well, doesn’t have many motor skill issues and as the teacher has repeatedly said because she doesn’t have a diagnosis yet and other students do.

Yy to emails being an absolute dud unless you are leaving a paper trail for legal purposes

Also if you’re going to accuse me of something perhaps be accurate? and not out of context?

my point was then, that teenagers will lie about anything if they need to, or perceive they need to, to get out of trouble or support someone else.

The case is not the same with my DD or the little boy. Neither were lying to get themselves or others out of trouble.

but boy do I wish I had the time in my life to go searching through someone else’s posts just to say something to make them seem unreliable.

If its not a academic level problem or a motor skills issue, it's back to the basics like where is she sat in the classroom (facing a black spot of wall if possible), is she allowed to use headphones, does she use visual timers (executive function: timers at this age must not be just a counter, should be a physical or electronic hour glass or the ones with the red section that reduce ovef time).

How far is she off diagnosis? Can you afford private?

Given you’re a teacher I’m shocked that you’re willing to accept the word of a young child as gospel and believe what they’re saying is a direct, accurate quote. I imagine if you heard things that kids you teach have said about you they’d be very different to a) what you said and b) lacking context. DH is a high school teacher before you challenge my view. .

Those kids could be psychopaths (unlikely obviously) because you say you don’t know them.

I also haven’t insulted you but there you go.

Yes we’re on a private waiting list! Which hopefully will only be another 8 weeks or so.

she’s at the front of the class but on a table with ‘all the naughty boys’ (her words) and they ‘distract her’.

will ask about timers/headphones.
thank you for the advice. Very helpful.

First of all people with ADHD are not a complete homogeneous entity.
Secondly the OP did not say her DD was ‘overwhelmed by the fact she’s not reaching her potential’. Most children have absolutely no idea what their potential is at that age!
Thirdly she didn’t offer to do ‘extra homework’, she wanted to take home her class work rather than doing it in class.

There are many reasons as to why a child isn’t completing work in class.

I'd have a quiet word to.the teacher involved telling you were shocked to hear a comment like this at a child party and from a child not even in your child's class. But you know kids talk in the playground.

1. laughing at a person is often considered insult.

2. saying that I should ‘get a grip’ is quite insulting too.

I have never said I accept anything as gospel. For a start I totally despise that phrase.

I think two children separately saying a teacher said one thing is fairly likely to be true.

but I don’t totally accept it because if I did I wouldn’t have put this post up, would I?

Also saying your husband is a ‘high school teacher before you challenge my view’? How does that make your ideas more accurate?

if my husband were a brain surgeon would you let me cut off your leg?
🙄

It sounds more like she didn’t want to finish the task, so was using the ‘I’ll do it later’ excuse - which the teacher didn’t go for. So I don’t think that it is a big issue.

However a chat with the teacher about how she is struggling to focus & complete work is entirely appropriate. You don’t say how far down the pathway to a diagnosis you are, but it might be worth asking the teacher about strategies that can be put in place anyway. Because, even if she isn’t diagnosed with ADHD, she is still struggling in class & that needs to be addressed.