To ask if anyone thinks I'm being mean.

[Sheranovermytoes]

We have three churches in our Parish one main church and two smaller ones. P is a lifelong wheelchair user 68 years old with no mobility. He uses a wheelchair that he can push a very short distance probably just down a corridor. Now has bad Arthritis so finds it very painful. P lives alone and has carers throughout the day and pays for this so lots of his money is spent on care ( this is relevant). P comes in an Uber to church every week to one of the smaller churches this is the church that myself and my husband attend. We assist him from his transport into place at church and then back into the taxi after. P is part of the church council ( not sure fully what it is called) and meetings were moved to the larger church as P could wheel himself over. We are not on the council but now P is struggling to wheel himself over. I wheeled him to a social event at the church about two weeks ago ( I didn't attend) as its a couple of miles from my house and came to collect P to wheel him back home however while I'm happy to help when I can I can't commit to being the default person full time work and two kids.

P is very heavy and now to large for his wheelchair. Myself and husband work full time and can't be around on demand.
The council members are older and although they have tried to wheel P over just can't do it. P misses out on an active church life and will sometimes attend luncheon club which I will push him too if and when I'm available.

There is a council meeting tonight and he has rung my house 8 times in the last hour. He says he has no money to pay any more carers, P is extremely heavy, I'm healthy and struggle the church council members can't push him and now he has got stroppy with me because I can't take him over. I'm not even on the council.

I'm going from feeling angry that I'm trying and still he is being rude to feeling sorry about how difficult it must be.
It seems like no good deed goes unpunished.
People at the bigger church had now started ringing me whenever he wants wheeling somewhere!

Oh gosh op. You have obviously done your best and been very generous but this is too much. If they keep ringing is it because you haven’t said no? You need to say clearly what you can’t and can’t do. Even it’s no to all of it.

youre not unreasonable to say no. I'd be suggesting he looks at trying to get an electric wheelchair or scooter, so he can regain some independence and so nobody is needed to push. Maybe the churches could do a fundraiser if costs would be an issue for him.

What about suggesting an electric scooter? Is that manageable for him?
I think they're taking the P a bit now but you need to tell them to stop asking you to help everytime he needs assistance.

Yes, could the church maybe help with some fundraising for a mobility scooter or similar?

They're now taking it for granted that you'll drop everything and be this person's unpaid carer when the church needs it. You'll need to be very firm with your boundaries and make it clear that you've got limited capacity to help out.
Also, you're struggling to push this person in their chair on your own. You're volunteering to do this. If you wreck your back or have an accident you're unlikely to be covered by insurance etc and could end up being liable if P gets hurt or their wheelchair damaged. I'd be stopping helping out for this reason. Noone else is going to think about the effect on your health and wellbeing, so you need to.

Sorry I forgot to add he has tried an electrical scooter but needs hoisting so can't get on for that reason.Powered wheelchair is dangerous too due to poor hand eye coordination else that would be a good plan. He is apparently personally hurt because I can't take him over. I feel so awful for him 😞

Don’t feel awful. He’s taking advantage and playing on your good nature.

Id be telling him that you don’t appreciate to be made out to the the bad guy, you are not his carer and unfortunately sometimes you will be busy as you are not even apart of the council.

OP, be very careful of injuring yourself doing this.

You have a family and need to put them first.

By being very overweight he has not helped himself unfortunately.

It's very sad that P has so many issues, but he has stepped WAY over the mark with his guilt tripping and shitty attitude. You are not his skivvy, and his obvious lack of appreciation and concern for your welfare would have me stopping all help immediately.

Tell P you are no longer able to assist him. He doesn't have to like it.

Contact the local council.. Ask about help for vulnerable adults.

P sounds like a right cheeky Prick

Keep the anger or you'll end up helping him all the time. Ignore the phone calls...block them if you can.

You have a family...they come first.

This kind of thing is why I no longer get involved with people outside my family. It gets too much and then you feel like you’ve done damage when you inevitably have to withdraw when it gets too much. I don’t know what to advise. How big is the congregation? Are there any strong, younger men about?

He does sound very disabled. He needs someone trained in care. How does he go to the loo at church for example if he needs hoisting?

Surely in a church community a group of volunteers could cooperate to take it in turns to help him access the church?

You'd think so wouldn't you? Though OP said "the church council members can't push him", it's not clear if that's can't or won't

In any case I'd suggest a rota, and if everyone says "Oooo I can't do it" the answer is "unfortunately neither can I on a regular basis ... what does everyone think we should do?"

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Just tell them you’ve hurt your back.. before you ACTUALLY hurt you back.

If you’ve told him you can’t help this time and he’s being rude to you or about you I’d tell him that. “P that’s really rude and upsetting. I can’t help you today and I’m struggling to do it anyway, so I think you need to find another solution.”

Are you saying that you and your DH are the ONLY younger fit and healthy members of the church community? I bet you’re not.

You have to set your boundaries - P, we can help on Sundays and if you give me 3 weeks notice for evening events I will see what I can do, but I cannot promise I’ll be able to help every time. I can never help at short notice, I’m afraid.

He is apparently personally hurt because I can't take him over.

Says who?

Please think of your long term health. It sounds as though P should be moved by professionals.
I think he has shown his true colours by getting angry with you.

He's become dependent on you being able to help and isn't considering that it's not a formal arrangement. I'd speak to maybe the minister or another relevant person and see if there's a way to make up a volunteer rota that would support him and other vulnerable parishoners on the days of the council meetings or church so it's not all falling on one person and is planned in advance. You could incorporate a few other roles like making tea (so frail people aren't carrying heavy pots) and moving chairs and tables etc so it doesn't seem like it's just being put in place for him. Would there be a willingness in your church to get involved in that way?

He is presumably providing a service to the church in his role on the council, so the church should use some of its funds to pay someone to do this.

It's what sometimes happens when you do someone a good turn like this.
First you get gratitude, then you get expectation...and after that resentment when you can't/won't do it.

Just knock it on the head.