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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone thinks I'm being mean.

121 replies

Sheranovermytoes · 26/06/2023 14:49

We have three churches in our Parish one main church and two smaller ones. P is a lifelong wheelchair user 68 years old with no mobility. He uses a wheelchair that he can push a very short distance probably just down a corridor. Now has bad Arthritis so finds it very painful. P lives alone and has carers throughout the day and pays for this so lots of his money is spent on care ( this is relevant). P comes in an Uber to church every week to one of the smaller churches this is the church that myself and my husband attend. We assist him from his transport into place at church and then back into the taxi after. P is part of the church council ( not sure fully what it is called) and meetings were moved to the larger church as P could wheel himself over. We are not on the council but now P is struggling to wheel himself over. I wheeled him to a social event at the church about two weeks ago ( I didn't attend) as its a couple of miles from my house and came to collect P to wheel him back home however while I'm happy to help when I can I can't commit to being the default person full time work and two kids.

P is very heavy and now to large for his wheelchair. Myself and husband work full time and can't be around on demand.
The council members are older and although they have tried to wheel P over just can't do it. P misses out on an active church life and will sometimes attend luncheon club which I will push him too if and when I'm available.

There is a council meeting tonight and he has rung my house 8 times in the last hour. He says he has no money to pay any more carers, P is extremely heavy, I'm healthy and struggle the church council members can't push him and now he has got stroppy with me because I can't take him over. I'm not even on the council.

I'm going from feeling angry that I'm trying and still he is being rude to feeling sorry about how difficult it must be.
It seems like no good deed goes unpunished.
People at the bigger church had now started ringing me whenever he wants wheeling somewhere!

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 27/06/2023 17:32

He is apparently personally hurt because I can't take him over. I feel so awful for him

I would say your response here is unusual. If someone was repeatedly phoning me and asking me for lifts, even when I’m not even going to the same place as them and then telling me how hurt you are if you can’t do it, my response would be to feel pissed off and taken for a mug, not to feel awful for him.

Iloveacurry · 27/06/2023 17:50

I think you’ve been very charitable to him, and he is now being very unreasonable. You work full time and have a family. Unfortunately there is only so much you can do.

Daffodilwoman · 27/06/2023 18:00

I would be blunt with him.
Tell him he is too heavy for you to push. End of.

Createausername1970 · 27/06/2023 18:24

I used to be on the PCC if our local church and some of the members were older with health issues, so often we would go to them and have the meetings in their houses. Would this be a possibility? Doesn't have to be every meeting at Ps, but maybe one in 3?

Createausername1970 · 27/06/2023 18:31

Sorry, pressed Post too soon.

Getting back to your main point. You have been very kind to help where you can. But you are not a paid carer, and if he is too heavy to push properly then you need to stop. It kind of needs to come to a head, and get sorted out properly, so to keep helping is delaying it happening.

Well done for helping so far, but just firmly but politely say it's not something you can continue to do.

CaroleSinger · 27/06/2023 18:31

I would tell them you are personally hurt at being used as a free service.

NoSquirrels · 27/06/2023 18:40

I have to drive two miles to essentially push him across the road then he wants me to come back at the end of the meeting to push him home.

That’s so obviously bonkers that you cannot possibly doubt yourself.

Shitshowatthefuckfactory · 29/06/2023 18:49

Did you hear from him again OP?

Original poster
Sheranovermytoes · 01/07/2023 14:52

Yes heard again a sort of apologetic tone but still asking if we can help while he's at out church at the village hall. That us no problem I'm there anyway. There is a church outing coming up to a local market town...... guess who he asked to go with him although how he'd actually get there I'm not sure we can sustain a full day 🤔

OP posts:
inappropriateraspberry · 01/07/2023 15:58

I think he needs to accept that he can't do everything because of his physical limitations. He seems to think he is entitled to go to all these things without considering how it will happen!
I wouldn't help him with the outing - he needs to learn that he can't always do these things.

LadyBird1973 · 01/07/2023 21:57

Do what you've always done, get what you've always got!

More fool you if you carry on facilitating his life at the expense of your own family time, while he speaks to you like shit if you don't jump to attention quick enough!

uncomfortablydumb53 · 01/07/2023 22:03

YANBU You have gone out of your way to help him but ultimately he is not your responsibility so I think he's wrong to keep calling you for help
It's time he looked into other options A power chair is the obvious solution( smaller than a mobility scooter)
He might even be able to find a charity to fund if he can't afford it

uncomfortablydumb53 · 01/07/2023 22:06

Sorry
I missed your post which said a power chair is not an option
The only thing I can think of otherwise is he asks for an OT assessment Don't let him emotionally blackmail you.. I say this as a disabled person also facing a decline in mobility

Shitshowatthefuckfactory · 02/07/2023 09:40

Were you even planning to go on the trip?

Are there no large strong male parishioners that can help him?

I think you need to tell him that you're injuring your back by pushing his chair and he needs to find someone else.

Original poster
Sheranovermytoes · 03/07/2023 14:32

No I definitely can't manage a trip plus there are limits to budgets for wheelchair accessible transport which is another matter entirely. There are a few younger people but a very big gap. There are younger people with young children and an older generation who would struggle to push. Churches have a weird demographic sometimes. To be honest I'm not going to suspend my ethics by being rude, swearing etc. I'm just emphasising how I'm willing to help such as at church. I've asked him to contact our local adult care services to ask for carer support in addition to his current package. There re limits!

OP posts:
Inkypot · 03/07/2023 15:02

Sheranovermytoes · 03/07/2023 14:32

No I definitely can't manage a trip plus there are limits to budgets for wheelchair accessible transport which is another matter entirely. There are a few younger people but a very big gap. There are younger people with young children and an older generation who would struggle to push. Churches have a weird demographic sometimes. To be honest I'm not going to suspend my ethics by being rude, swearing etc. I'm just emphasising how I'm willing to help such as at church. I've asked him to contact our local adult care services to ask for carer support in addition to his current package. There re limits!

It sounds like you're being very reasonable and I like that you've given him the suggestion of who to contact for further support. I agree stay respectful and pleasant rather than rude or sweary.
You sound like such a compassionate parishioner, yes he's taking advantage somewhat but you're right it doesn't mean you need to change your ethics.

Lemonclub88 · 03/07/2023 15:26

I read the OP with a sigh of same old story. My dear old dad got roped into doing magazine design after my mum had been managing deliveries of them for years. She even used to staple them together when it was just a few sheets of paper in the 90s. The magazine design turned into jointly running projectors, resposibility for all sorts of crap, catering manager, charity collector, opener up, closer down and culminating in being the treasurer. They put upon both my parents so that church became their whole life and they were thoroughly fed up.

He turned 75 and decided to retire. Do you know what the poor man got as a thank you 25 years of unpaid labour? Three bottles of beer. He's well known for being teetotal.

Knock it on the head, OP. Email the church warden and tell them. You won't be popular but it'll blow over.

Pansypotter123 · 03/07/2023 16:15

Lemonclub88 · 03/07/2023 15:26

I read the OP with a sigh of same old story. My dear old dad got roped into doing magazine design after my mum had been managing deliveries of them for years. She even used to staple them together when it was just a few sheets of paper in the 90s. The magazine design turned into jointly running projectors, resposibility for all sorts of crap, catering manager, charity collector, opener up, closer down and culminating in being the treasurer. They put upon both my parents so that church became their whole life and they were thoroughly fed up.

He turned 75 and decided to retire. Do you know what the poor man got as a thank you 25 years of unpaid labour? Three bottles of beer. He's well known for being teetotal.

Knock it on the head, OP. Email the church warden and tell them. You won't be popular but it'll blow over.

I could relate several similar stories, sadly.

Certainly at my church there is little acknowledgement that all help volunteered is simply just that, ie voluntary.

I resigned all my roles a while ago as the burden became increasingly burdensome and it got to the stage where everything I did was queried/questioned/scrutinised. I was a volunteer!!!

DelurkingLawyer · 03/07/2023 17:33

Same here. I volunteered to write content for a Wordpress website for a small charity on the strict understanding that someone else had to upload it all.

Was put under unbelievable pressure to “just learn it” as it “won’t take long” and “might be useful to you.” No, my workplace pays someone £50k a year to manage our website and we don’t use Wordpress anyway as we are a set of barristers chambers not a bunch of amateurs!

There followed a committee meeting where (a) the person they eventually got to upload it tried to take credit for my content and (b) someone else started complaining that their totally fucking free website didn’t have features that you’d pay someone thousands to design and code. I waved farewell at that stage. Not a word of thanks from the chair or anyone.

So often I’ve found that volunteering degenerates into the org becoming an CF par excellence, always on the take until the volunteer gives up. And so often it seems to involve the unpaid labour of women - anyone else notice that?

Hayl07 · 29/11/2023 11:40

😂😂😂😂
everyone else like “well….erm….dont want to sound harsh but erm,P sounds like he’s being unreasonable.

you - P sounds like he’s a right prick
😂😂😂😂😂😂

AgnesX · 29/11/2023 11:53

I'd suggest that if P wants to continue doing what he does and if the church aren't willing to help in any way (so much for Christian values eh) then he should be told that he needs to get a companion carer (is that the term?). Can he juggle his existing arrangements for this rather than anyone extra?

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