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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone thinks I'm being mean.

121 replies

Sheranovermytoes · 26/06/2023 14:49

We have three churches in our Parish one main church and two smaller ones. P is a lifelong wheelchair user 68 years old with no mobility. He uses a wheelchair that he can push a very short distance probably just down a corridor. Now has bad Arthritis so finds it very painful. P lives alone and has carers throughout the day and pays for this so lots of his money is spent on care ( this is relevant). P comes in an Uber to church every week to one of the smaller churches this is the church that myself and my husband attend. We assist him from his transport into place at church and then back into the taxi after. P is part of the church council ( not sure fully what it is called) and meetings were moved to the larger church as P could wheel himself over. We are not on the council but now P is struggling to wheel himself over. I wheeled him to a social event at the church about two weeks ago ( I didn't attend) as its a couple of miles from my house and came to collect P to wheel him back home however while I'm happy to help when I can I can't commit to being the default person full time work and two kids.

P is very heavy and now to large for his wheelchair. Myself and husband work full time and can't be around on demand.
The council members are older and although they have tried to wheel P over just can't do it. P misses out on an active church life and will sometimes attend luncheon club which I will push him too if and when I'm available.

There is a council meeting tonight and he has rung my house 8 times in the last hour. He says he has no money to pay any more carers, P is extremely heavy, I'm healthy and struggle the church council members can't push him and now he has got stroppy with me because I can't take him over. I'm not even on the council.

I'm going from feeling angry that I'm trying and still he is being rude to feeling sorry about how difficult it must be.
It seems like no good deed goes unpunished.
People at the bigger church had now started ringing me whenever he wants wheeling somewhere!

OP posts:
NotOnYourNellies · 27/06/2023 09:07

I'd be pissed off at whoever told me he was upset. They have no right to guilt you into anything
Speak to P and be honest, being disabled does not give anyone the right to infringe unfairly on others. I must be so hard for him but not at the expense of your family time, your health and your good will
Bat it back to the church and don't answer his calls for a while

poppitypop1 · 27/06/2023 09:12

Yanbu. It is fine you have helped out as and when you can. Just because he has difficulties, his needs don't trump yours. Tbh I'd be thinking about stepping back entirely given his reaction/expectations/entitlement.

Caramellois · 27/06/2023 09:13

End this before you are the one in a wheelchair. Your primary responsibility is to your children and husband and not the ungrateful fat one in a wheelchair. I think the venue of the Council meeting might have to change - either to a more accessible venue or by teams or maybe he gives up his seat on the council. This is not your responsibility.

inappropriateraspberry · 27/06/2023 09:16

I can't believe you're pushing a very overweight man in his 60s 2 miles in a wheelchair!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/06/2023 09:17

Ad hoc support is only really helpful short term, I’d want to help him gain independence

Another very important point, in that "help" isn't necessarily effective if it stops real, longer term solutions being put in place

The other caveat about approaching church members is that you don't get stuck with "Can you just do it until ...", with promises of others stepping in which don't materialise
It's very easy for them to appear "grateful" when you're falling into line, but if you stop it quickly becomes clear whether it was real gratitude or simply manipulation

EllaRaines · 27/06/2023 09:24

Usually I would just be blunt and say no but in this circumstance I can see this causing problems for you it just with him but with other church members and even the church itself.

Therefore I would invent a minor back injury that GP that prevents you from pushing a gigantic bloke around in a manual wheelchair.

No further discussion.

EllaRaines · 27/06/2023 09:24

Sorry for missing words! You get the gist! ^

EsmeSusanOgg · 27/06/2023 09:28

Could the big church not arrange for P to join council meetings remotely?

EsmeSusanOgg · 27/06/2023 09:30

NotOnYourNellies · 27/06/2023 09:07

I'd be pissed off at whoever told me he was upset. They have no right to guilt you into anything
Speak to P and be honest, being disabled does not give anyone the right to infringe unfairly on others. I must be so hard for him but not at the expense of your family time, your health and your good will
Bat it back to the church and don't answer his calls for a while

Not surprised though. There are a lot of holier than thou people on church councils who think it is everyone else's duty to give up time they do not have to help run things... Whilst they take all the credit because they attend a semi-regular chin wag session 'on the council'..

Original poster
Sheranovermytoes · 27/06/2023 09:45

He is contacting on our landline and it was he himself who told me he was hurt. It was in his stroppy moment!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sheranovermytoes · 27/06/2023 10:00

He is always in his chair when we get there and has carers in for short periods of the day. He doesn't have Internet or have any awareness of how to use it either and lives on the ground floor of his house. It's tiny but could fit people in there.
I have a VERY good awareness of his needs as I work for a different council in moving and handling. He can be hoisted with one person and chooses to sit in his wheelchair rather than a comfy chair as he can move a short distance. I can see how frustrating it must be for him.
My user name comes from an incident where his carer inadvertently push him over my toe.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sheranovermytoes · 27/06/2023 10:09

@inappropriateraspberry no sorry maybe didn't explain well. He lives across the road from the main church and sort of a little up the road probably about a three minute walk at the most. I live two miles away near our church which is the village hall. We share with other organisations so can't have the meetings there anyway. The church is very accessible level access and even surface. He was able to wheel himself over but now can't due to arthritis and weight gain.
I have to drive two miles to essentially push him across the road then he wants me to come back at the end of the meeting to push him home. I certainly couldn't manage 2 miles. I'd be superwoman🦸‍♀️

OP posts:
EmpressaurusOfCats · 27/06/2023 10:13

And yet it’s reasonable for other people on the council not to want to take turns driving him? No. That definitely doesn’t work.

Dryinginthesea · 27/06/2023 10:19

They need to look at moving the meeting a back to the smaller church, not doing the meetings face to face and having a few people dial in from the other two smaller churches, getting him an Uber to the meetings or finding another alternative. You are going to hurt yourself doing this

Superdupes · 27/06/2023 10:25

It's time to either put a complete stop to this or be clear that you can only take him from his transport into church. Also change your mobile phone number and don't give it to anyone who has hassled you.

You sound like a saint but now you are just being taken advantage of.

Pansypotter123 · 27/06/2023 10:37

Have you spoken to those Vicar, PCC Secretary and Church Wardens to explain your position and to let them know you can no longer sustain this support?

CattyCone · 27/06/2023 10:42

Sheranovermytoes · 27/06/2023 10:09

@inappropriateraspberry no sorry maybe didn't explain well. He lives across the road from the main church and sort of a little up the road probably about a three minute walk at the most. I live two miles away near our church which is the village hall. We share with other organisations so can't have the meetings there anyway. The church is very accessible level access and even surface. He was able to wheel himself over but now can't due to arthritis and weight gain.
I have to drive two miles to essentially push him across the road then he wants me to come back at the end of the meeting to push him home. I certainly couldn't manage 2 miles. I'd be superwoman🦸‍♀️

Why is it you specifically being asked? That's ridiculous.

Surely some other parishioners live nearer to him. I think refer this to the church council/vicar to make enquiries. He's not your sole responsibility.

DelurkingLawyer · 27/06/2023 10:44

Sheranovermytoes · 27/06/2023 10:09

@inappropriateraspberry no sorry maybe didn't explain well. He lives across the road from the main church and sort of a little up the road probably about a three minute walk at the most. I live two miles away near our church which is the village hall. We share with other organisations so can't have the meetings there anyway. The church is very accessible level access and even surface. He was able to wheel himself over but now can't due to arthritis and weight gain.
I have to drive two miles to essentially push him across the road then he wants me to come back at the end of the meeting to push him home. I certainly couldn't manage 2 miles. I'd be superwoman🦸‍♀️

This is even more bonkers than I’d previously thought. You are being expected to drive TWO MILES to wheel him up the street to a church meeting? And then drive there again to wheel him back at the end of the meeting???? Sorry but fuck that.

Another common feature of CF stories which is loud and clear here is other people “volunteering” your services so they don’t have to put themselves out. Everyone’s very good at finding someone who is younger/female/socialised to say yes. Then the enablers pat themselves on the back for their own non existent contribution, or castigate the victim for being a massive meanie if she says no.

Say no, OP, and don’t invent a back injury. Don’t provide any excuse. You’ll just get people policing you every time they see you unloading shopping from your car, or constantly asking if you are “better” yet.

JenniferBarkley · 27/06/2023 10:53

You're doing so much OP.

I think you need to have a frank chat with him tbh, and explain the demands on your time. Tell him you wish you could do more to help him, but you simply can't.

windowof · 27/06/2023 11:05

It seems to me that this is a combination of a few things.
@Sheranovermytoes you're right, his attitude will be based on frustration at himself and his situation. It is understandable though this does not mean it is your responsibility in any way. You don't deserve to be treated like that by anyone.
You say he lives just along and over from the church. So presumably there'll be other parishioners who pass his house on the way and could help, even on a rota basis.
I am Catholic so not sure how it would work in your church but, if it were one of our parishioners struggling to attend I know we would speak with Father and go from there. He would then know who to speak to in order to arrange a suitable way of accommodating everyone. Is this something you can do maybe? Presuming in your church it would be your vicar you speak with? (Apologies if wrong terminology) It's worth starting there and be clear that while you have compassion for P you cannot continue doing the drop off/pick up as it's no longer feasible.
Hope you get something sorted and for what it's worth you sound like a really caring, kind parishioner.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 27/06/2023 11:30

So a church full of people, a council meeting full of people, and you're the only one who is kind enough to help him out?

They're taking the utter piss. I don't think you're mean to say that as much as you appreciate he needs help, it simply cannot all fall to you (if you're happy to help out at all that is). Having to drive to push him across the road is simply insane, when there's a whole group of people any one of which could literally walk over the road and push him back!

shiningstar2 · 27/06/2023 11:33

If the disabled person lives across the road from the main church surely it wouldn't be too difficult for one of the people actually going to the meeting to push him over and another to push him back home. This would add an extra five minutes effort for two people already there 🤔 Instead you drive 2 miles then come back for him??? That is 8 miles inconvenience for you going there and back twice, plus the time to get him over there, probably quick chat to others there then same on way back!! As well as the inconvenience that is quite a lot of time out of your evening while others already there stand around having a pre meeting chat. I would make it clear you can't do it any more. You could ask if it were possible for those already there to help him to a meeting a few minutes walk away. Don't let him know you might ask this though. No need for him to know if people say they can't. 💐

yipeeyiyay · 27/06/2023 11:45

Tell him you are very hurt that he is angry with you when you are not always available. I'd straight up lye and tell him that you have hurt your back in the past helping him and to not only not get any thanks but to get rudeness has hurt you immensely

Okshacky · 27/06/2023 17:23

I have to drive two miles to essentially push him across the road then he wants me to come back at the end of the meeting to push him home. I certainly couldn't manage 2 miles. I'd be superwoman. He can pay a carer to do this. Honestly he can.

GatesOfBabylon · 27/06/2023 17:27

It sounds like he seriously needs to lose weight and it’s not your responsibility.
He needs to pay a specialist carer to do this for him.