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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if anyone thinks I'm being mean.

121 replies

Sheranovermytoes · 26/06/2023 14:49

We have three churches in our Parish one main church and two smaller ones. P is a lifelong wheelchair user 68 years old with no mobility. He uses a wheelchair that he can push a very short distance probably just down a corridor. Now has bad Arthritis so finds it very painful. P lives alone and has carers throughout the day and pays for this so lots of his money is spent on care ( this is relevant). P comes in an Uber to church every week to one of the smaller churches this is the church that myself and my husband attend. We assist him from his transport into place at church and then back into the taxi after. P is part of the church council ( not sure fully what it is called) and meetings were moved to the larger church as P could wheel himself over. We are not on the council but now P is struggling to wheel himself over. I wheeled him to a social event at the church about two weeks ago ( I didn't attend) as its a couple of miles from my house and came to collect P to wheel him back home however while I'm happy to help when I can I can't commit to being the default person full time work and two kids.

P is very heavy and now to large for his wheelchair. Myself and husband work full time and can't be around on demand.
The council members are older and although they have tried to wheel P over just can't do it. P misses out on an active church life and will sometimes attend luncheon club which I will push him too if and when I'm available.

There is a council meeting tonight and he has rung my house 8 times in the last hour. He says he has no money to pay any more carers, P is extremely heavy, I'm healthy and struggle the church council members can't push him and now he has got stroppy with me because I can't take him over. I'm not even on the council.

I'm going from feeling angry that I'm trying and still he is being rude to feeling sorry about how difficult it must be.
It seems like no good deed goes unpunished.
People at the bigger church had now started ringing me whenever he wants wheeling somewhere!

OP posts:

Landndialamrhf · 26/06/2023 19:28

Let him call around some of the men in the church, I’m sure they’ll want to do some unpaid care work

Countingdowntodecember · 26/06/2023 19:37

YANBU and it shouldn’t all fall on you, but couldn’t the council ask for volunteers for some kind of rota to help him attend?

In any other situation, this would be a nice but unexpected thing… but a church congregation is based on following Jesus. I’d say helping a disabled man attend church events falls into the Christian brotherhood/kindness category.

Original poster

Sheranovermytoes · 26/06/2023 19:58

Just to clarify things, he gets help to come to our church which is one of the smaller two. We all help him attend stuff at out church such as Sunday services or any kind of social occasions, we have our church in a village hall so its not open in the evenings to us as other groups use it. The problem is when it comes to attending the council meetings which are held at the main church building. Our Congregation members at the village hall understandably don't want to drive into town to take P to the church council meetings at night then bring him back home after which is about 9.30 pm.
The people at the main church don't know P so probably don't feel as inclined to help as they are not there for the meetings for the church from the village hall. The council meetings for each individual church are held in the big church and the ones on our little church council I know physically can't do it.
I certainly don't mind helping but can't do it on demand and he is now " hurt and annoyed " that I can't.
There is a luncheon club on next week, again, run by older retired people who physically can't push him across and he is now missing out on that. The problem is generally he younger and fitter people work and can't be available so much at weekends and during the day. I come out of work as I work from home some of the time.
I can totally see why people are put off supporting people informally, though fear of nobody picking up the slack and become default for all things. P is quite a difficult person but I can totally see why. He is frustrated and can't be in control of his own life, I'd probably feel the same way too.

OP posts:

CattyCone · 26/06/2023 20:07

Hang on when you say he wants you to push him over, how far are you being asked to push him?

It's definitely one of those no good deed goes unpunished scenarios. You helped a few times and now it's an expectation.

whatsappdoc · 26/06/2023 20:27

For future meetings couldn't he use Zoom or similar? Also maybe one in 4 meetings held in his house?

merderforlife · 26/06/2023 20:33

He's not your problem and this is not your responsibility. Help when you can but I would stop going out of your way for him. You are being taken for granted

5128gap · 26/06/2023 20:36

I'd mention it to the vicar. Tell them what you've said here and ask what help the church can offer as it's too much for you and other unpaid volunteers.

JudgeRudy · 26/06/2023 20:46

Sounds to me that Ps problems would be more manageable if he lost weight. I think everyone's being very unfair to expect you to be the default unpaid carer. You're almost in a position now where you need to give a reason not to do it, rather than a to volunteer occasionally.
I get it must be frustrating for him but he will likely get disability benefits to go towards the additional cost of his disability. I don't think it's unreasonable to gor example pay £25/week for someone to take him to/from this activity. That's what the money is for. I've worked as a carer before and some of my customers have moaned about life on benefits and 'it's alright for you, you have a job '....well yes l do and I come out with considerably less than you! Now I wouldn't want to swap but the benefits aren't supposed to be compensation for a disability. Maybe he knows someone who will help out in exchange for carers allowance? Either way, you can be his carer.

Rogue1001MNer · 26/06/2023 21:03

They don't sound very Christian, OP, apart from you.

You've been amazing and definitely shouldn't feel guilty.

You've gone over and above as it is

LadyBird1973 · 26/06/2023 21:08

This is what happens when you do regular favours for people - they come to expect it and demand it!
I'd put a complete stop to this now - it's time someone else stepped up. You've more than done your bit and all you're getting is grief for it.
Talk to the minister and ask him to look into solutions (maybe zoom). And tell P his attitude has pissed you off and you don't be doing this again. You aren't responsible for proving his care!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/06/2023 21:09

We all help him attend stuff at out church such as Sunday services or any kind of social occasions ... The problem is when it comes to attending the council meetings

So if he has reasonable social contact with the church "occasions", is there actually any need for him to attend the council meetings too? Doubtless he'd be sorry to miss them, but if it's not possible it's not, and from the sound of the above you'd hardly be leaving him friendless

Certainly suggest the rota mentioned, but if they push back the WFH thing might come in handy ... as in you've been given a new project and can't "come out of work" any more

billy1966 · 26/06/2023 21:24

OP, I mis read the P, that it was for parent!

You are risking your back for a church member, who is not family, and now behaving like you are on demand help?

Step away.

Very foolish to risk an injury.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/06/2023 21:33

tell P his attitude has pissed you off and you don't be doing this again

Yes, I agree that at least the first part of that needs to happen, except that (despite my username!!) I'd probably use "very hurt" instead

Even a heart of stone would sympathise with his struggles, but struggling doesn't mean you get to be an arsehole to others

RicherThanYews · 26/06/2023 21:39

Op, I don't know how intimately acquainted with his personal finances you are but it certainly sounds like he could be helped via social services with a DP assessment to give him funds for further care to allow him to go into society and live a full life. With his needs and weight taken into consideration, he may well require double handling as a hoist is involved. (Im a care manager in the UK)

Pansypotter123 · 26/06/2023 21:49

Does he need to be hoisted into his wheel chair too? Who does that?

Shinyandnew1 · 26/06/2023 21:54

He is apparently personally hurt because I can't take him over. I feel so awful for him

Who told you he’s personally hurt? He’s using you and guilt tripping you as well which is really unfair. I would become a lot less available if I were you. I would also say you are getting back problems (you will!) and need to be careful.

Globules · 26/06/2023 22:05

Do the council meetings need to be at the big church? Can they be in your smaller one that he can access more freely?

I'd second talking to your vicar. The pastoral care of the congregation is on them, not you.

Also, I know it's hard to say no, but you really must now. Set very clear boundaries as to what you'll do to help and when. It'll just get worse if you don't.

Fwiw, DP has found himself in a similar position with a house bound neighbour in a wheelchair. Amazing isn't it, when being kind comes back to bite you on the bum.

Okshacky · 26/06/2023 22:06

I’d be interested in who told you he was hurt too.

Shinyandnew1 · 26/06/2023 22:24

he has got stroppy with me because I can't take him over. I'm not even on the council

I wouldn’t be doing any more favours for anyone that got stroppy with me! How is he asking you for these lifts? Phone call? Text?

UsingChangeofName · 26/06/2023 22:37

BamBamBambi · 26/06/2023 18:36

Don’t feel awful. He’s taking advantage and playing on your good nature.

Id be telling him that you don’t appreciate to be made out to the the bad guy, you are not his carer and unfortunately sometimes you will be busy as you are not even apart of the council.

This.

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/06/2023 23:08

We all want things that we can't have. Plenty of people would like a lift to places if they haven't got a car or can't afford a bus or taxi. It doesn't mean someone else has to take it off on even if they're not free.

I would pass this to the vicar.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 26/06/2023 23:27

BamBamBambi · 26/06/2023 18:36

Don’t feel awful. He’s taking advantage and playing on your good nature.

Id be telling him that you don’t appreciate to be made out to the the bad guy, you are not his carer and unfortunately sometimes you will be busy as you are not even apart of the council.

This!

It's a lovely thing to be compassionate! But.... As often happens in these situations... You've inadvertently become his default unpaid carer...!.
Id also be hacked off how he's reacted... Esp you've done so much for him to date!

Can he ask at church if there's some madly fit people who are happy to have some sort of rota?

Id also ask him to contact the local OT service to see if they can advise.

Id be pulling back. In fact id probably stop as you're also being scapegoated here...

Gettingfleeced · 26/06/2023 23:33

Can he join meetings via zoom?

Malarandras · 26/06/2023 23:38

You are definitely not mean. If anything you too kind. I would speak to the vicar as someone needs to step in and take a handle of the whole
situation. The vicar seems in a good position to do that. Hand it over to the vicar then step aside. You’ve done more than your fair share, you have yourself and your own family to look after.

Kaibashira · 26/06/2023 23:43

As a PP said, congregational pastoral care is not your job.

Raise it with the whole church = "how can we support this member who xyz"

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