To ask if anyone thinks I'm being mean.

[Sheranovermytoes]

We have three churches in our Parish one main church and two smaller ones. P is a lifelong wheelchair user 68 years old with no mobility. He uses a wheelchair that he can push a very short distance probably just down a corridor. Now has bad Arthritis so finds it very painful. P lives alone and has carers throughout the day and pays for this so lots of his money is spent on care ( this is relevant). P comes in an Uber to church every week to one of the smaller churches this is the church that myself and my husband attend. We assist him from his transport into place at church and then back into the taxi after. P is part of the church council ( not sure fully what it is called) and meetings were moved to the larger church as P could wheel himself over. We are not on the council but now P is struggling to wheel himself over. I wheeled him to a social event at the church about two weeks ago ( I didn't attend) as its a couple of miles from my house and came to collect P to wheel him back home however while I'm happy to help when I can I can't commit to being the default person full time work and two kids.

P is very heavy and now to large for his wheelchair. Myself and husband work full time and can't be around on demand.
The council members are older and although they have tried to wheel P over just can't do it. P misses out on an active church life and will sometimes attend luncheon club which I will push him too if and when I'm available.

There is a council meeting tonight and he has rung my house 8 times in the last hour. He says he has no money to pay any more carers, P is extremely heavy, I'm healthy and struggle the church council members can't push him and now he has got stroppy with me because I can't take him over. I'm not even on the council.

I'm going from feeling angry that I'm trying and still he is being rude to feeling sorry about how difficult it must be.
It seems like no good deed goes unpunished.
People at the bigger church had now started ringing me whenever he wants wheeling somewhere!

You’ve really helped him and the church. It’s now time for others to step forward and volunteer. Make a statement about your helping and that now you can’t meet the requirements any more. Ask for people to contact the parishioner himself or the church council so that a new rota can be established.

You've done a great job but it's obvious for him to be accessing church and any other activities something needs to change.

If a motorised buggy or wheel chair isn't suitable you can get motorised wheelchairs operated by the person who pushes them. It's a control on the push handle behind the person using the chair. They can be larger chairs too.

I'd get him to ask for a wheelchair assessment as it's looking like his mobility has changed due to weight.

Has he got a social worker? A referral to disability services at social services might help too. If he's hoisted they will already be aware and have seen him before. The OT at disability services can refer to wheelchair services too.

Time for a reassessment. Does he have family who could refer him?

It's time for adult social services to assess Ps needs, he sounds as if living alone isn't the best option for him.

He'll have to get an electric wheelchair won't he? Or one of those mobility scooter things that old people race around on. He's got no right to expect you to be unpaid carer.

Please speak to the vicar OP and he/she can refer this to the safeguarding officer (every church has one)

Wheelchairs and scooters are available through motability. Presumably if he genuinely needs that amount of support he would qualify. He’d be assessed by OT first ideally and a plan for how he gets from A to B drawn up. The present set up is only going to get more and more restrictive especially if he is unable to absorb the tedious parts of his condition and is taking them out on OP. Ad hoc support is only really helpful short term, I’d want to help him gain independence.

No, OP, you aren't being mean.

I read a book about Christians in the community and was impressed by the line 'Being a Christian does not mean being a doormat!' I'd reference the book but it was so long ago I can't remember the author or title. It came from a Christian bookshop 🙄

You've already done more than your share, from your goodwill and kind heart. Now is the time to say 'No more.'

The responsibility to find replacement support for him does not lie with you. It shouldn't be you making rotas etc. Perhaps contact social services and make them aware, as well as telling the church you don't intend to support him any longer. You don't have to give a reason. 'I'm not doing it any more,' is enough.

NoSquirrels I can well believe that the OP & her DH might be the only young and fit members of her congregation ... I was the youngest at my last Church .. I am over 60 .

I appreciate this is a difficult situation but as others have said, it does raise safeguarding issues if you are the only person helping this vulnerable adult. Please refer it back to your Church Council and Minister, it is not fair for you to be burdened with this ... sometimes it just has to be accepted that there is no safe way to attend a meeting.

I think this is a good suggestion.

Well he has to accept that he cannot be part of the church or the council as he physically cannot attend.
It's a shame, but if he hasn't got the resources/transport then he can't do it. It is no one's fault but his own, no matter his disabilities. If he's too big for his wheelchair or a scooter then he has to do something about it. He needs to help himself before expecting g help from others.

As pp said, how’s he getting into his current wheelchair?

And how is he getting in and out of Ubers?

Our Congregation members at the village hall understandably don't want to drive into town to take P to the church council meetings at night then bring him back home after which is about 9.30 pm.

And is this what you’re doing?

I go to church and agree with all of this! Its not just he is taking advantage- you are putting your back at risk OP and that could be a lifetime of issues. You need to start saying no. Being Christian doesnt mean exhausting yourself to the point of injury for others.

The thing is, his disability is actually not your problem. I don’t fully understand the meetings/church set up but if there is no one else willing or available to help, and the location of the meetings can’t be changed so he can attend, and/or the time of the meetings can’t be changed e.g. held in the daytime so he can attend with his regular carers, then unfortunately he can’t be part of the council any more. Similar with the lunch club - it’s not your problem to solve it, or certainly not on a 1-1 full time basis.

Suggest P organises a rota with the help of the church council. But don’t offer to be the organiser or the default.

I was going to say P need a referral to wheelchair services, but then I saw he can’t have an electric wheelchair, which would have solved the issue.

you’ve done him plenty of good deeds but he can’t expect you to be at his beck and call whenever he needs to go anywhere. That’s totally unreasonable. Both him and the other church council members are taking the piss. Stand your ground and only do what you’re happy with doing. If P needs to get somewhere he’ll have to call a taxi and the driver will need to push him in (some wheelchair taxi drivers will).

It sounds to me as though you do more than your fair share to help P, but now he thinks you are permanently on call. You need to set some boundaries and point out that you are not his carer and he needs to find others to help. If he doesn't like it then I would be telling him my help had come to an end. He is taking advantage of you.

It must be very hard to be P and rely on people in order to be able to do basic things. It's also okay to only do what you can. I think there needs to be a real conversation with a rotar/group of people that can volunteer. If everyone did one roll in/out a month, it would be better for everyone.

I don't think what you did has has resulted in a punishment, see it as a positive with this slight complication that it needs to be more than just you.

Surely someone can set up a face time or zoom meeting for him so he can be present at meetings without physically being there? its ridiculous that people are risking their backs to hoist/transfer/push a heavy man in a wheelchair. There are other options and he is being selfish not to consider them. You arent his unpaid carer and noone should expect you to be- you have gone above and beyond already. Its not wrong to start imposing healthy boundaries for yourself and I recommend you do so before you injure your back and end up with a serious and chronic back issue

You need to step away now and prioritize your own family and your health.

Could he hold the meetings at his house?

Is there a pastoral care team in your church group? They would be the ones to formalize a response from the church to helping with his problems. They could probably either ask that the meetings be moved to his local church, or help him with access via Zoom, or get a team together to help him get to the meetings.

What would he do if you had to go on holiday, or you moved away? There needs to be a plan that doesn't just rely on you.

OP, this is no different from one of the legions of CFs who say “if you don’t give me a lift to work I have to catch 3 buses and it takes an hour” or “if you don’t give me a lift to our mutual hobby I can’t do the hobby boo hoo” or “if you don’t mind my kids every day after school I have to change my work shifts.” Exactly the same pattern of gratefulness being replaced by entitlement, and original requests that didn’t put you to much trouble turning into demands that you do things that are very inconvenient for you.

Forget the disability. It doesn’t matter whether you are being put upon and taken advantage of because the person is disabled or because they don’t have a car. This is a CF who has had a lot of help from you in facilitating their personal/social life who has gone way over the line. They all try to guilt trip you - that’s how CFs work. Say no.

In our church we have a pastoral care team of volunteers plus the church administrator and minister who share information on these sort of situations, work out the best way to help and refer to safeguarding/social services etc if need be. This means the burden never falls on individuals.
You need to speak to whoever is in charge - minister/elders/church wardens/safeguarding officer/pastoral assistant- and get something more structured in place. Otherwise it will only get worse over time.

He is being manipulative. Tell him and the church council that you tried your best, and you are personally hurt that you are taken for granted and being harassed when you say No. You care for your children, and work full time, and your health is suffering - you can’t do it anymore.

i would just say No because of the manipulative nature - just don’t be available (having said that - maybe speak to a church council member and let them know that you cannot do that anymore and your physical and mental health and your family is struggling).

He could buy a power pack for his current wheelchair, which would aid the person pushing, or he could get an electric wheelchair that can be guided by a supporter.

He can't demand that you become his unpaid carer.