To not stop DS disturbing DH when he is wfh?

[Mintelderflower]

DH wfh for three days - Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. He is supposed to be at the office Tuesdays and Fridays but often decides to switch days around last minute.

DS attends nursery for three days a week and I have changed these days to accommodate the days Dh is supposed to be in the office because DS is a bit of a nightmare and keeps wanting to play in the room DH is working from and climbing on DH lap, wanting to go out on the bikes (this is also where the bikes are kept.) When he is taken away he throws massive tantrums (he is 2) and also keeps gravitating back. It’s really tricky. Normally DS days in nursery have to be my work days but currently on maternity leave.

I think I need to say very honestly to DH that I’m not going to keep intervening. If he makes the choice not to go to the office on that day then he isn’t going to get much work done. I don’t want to be an arse about this but I sort of feel I’ve done everything I reasonably can to avoid this issue and now it’s on DH.

Problem solved for DH’s side of the door. Leaves OP on the other side managing a rampaging angry toddler while heavily pregnant or wrangling a newborn.

Have you said all this to your DH?

”Look darling, I know the flexibility of WFH sounds great, but in reality just at this particular stage of our lives, I really need you to stick to the days we’ve agreed. It’s making me miserable, it’s making DS miserable, it’s making you cross and we’re about to throw a c/section and a newborn into the mix. Please could we just agree fixed days for the next six months or so?”

OK so ds gets distressed when he realises his daddy is at home, and he isn't understanding daddy is at work.

So save for keep reinforcing that, which does not appear to be working, you'll both need some compromises. I get it, its shit for you having to keep consoling ds when your dh needs the loo/cup of tea/his lunch. And equally he should be able to work in relative peace.

So practical options.

1. DH leaves for work in the morning, says goodbye to ds and disappears around the corner, or wherever.
2. You take ds somewhere away from where he will be working, dh pops back in and locks the door.
3. in garden annexe can you put up curtains/blinds so ds can't see he is there? Put locks on the annexe doors and office doors. even just a little bolt from the inside so dh can lock it. Get anything out fo the room you may need before this happens and tell ds, we can't use that room today its locked.
4. When your dp needs the loo/cup of tea/lunch/walk around the garden/whatever he texts or calls you first. You take ds somewhere else in the house and dh nips out, does his thing and then texts/calls you when hes safety hidden away again.
5. in a few months time when ds seems to be a little more understanding of things in general - try the whole , daddys working in this room today, we mustn't disturb him as he has to make important calls, but we'll be able to have lunch with him today when he's finsihed, yay! type thing.

Good luck, I hope you find a middle ground which benefits you both. Good luck with the new baby too!

I worked from home with 3 dc ages 2, 3 and 5 and they all were fine with mummys at work now, we'll see her later (but I didn't pop out all the time so they didn;t really see me once I'd gone to work, which with little ones does help!).

My friend also worked from home and had a 3yo who created merry heel and no amount of reasoning was working. So they are all different. He'll understand one day but until then, try and make it as painless as possible by basically pretending dh isn't actually there.

Problem solved for DH’s side of the door. Leaves OP on the other side managing a rampaging angry toddler while heavily pregnant or wrangling a newborn.

Not if she leaves DS having his tantrum outside the door. So long as he's in no danger I'd leave DH to deal with all the noise.

YANBU

I have a 2 year old and she is only just growing out of the behaviour you describe. If she sees me, and I try to run off to the office she gets separation anxiety, has tantrums and tries to find me. So on the rare days I WFH I hide and we pretend I’m not here. It’s an easier day for us all.

your DH is being inconsiderate here. My husband and I both work but neither of us work like we don’t have a spouse and toddler. Have another talk to him and ask him to keep his days fixed for a few months so you can stay sane.

Okay OP, speak to your husband. Tell him that you and DS need consistency and that if he is swapping his WFH days then he needs to understand that he is choosing to work in a home environment. That includes all the benefits such as no commute, no need to wear trousers etc, but also all the downsides such as children, noise etc.

He should care enough about his heavily pregnant wife and small child to not want to cause them upset and anxiety.

It WFH on those days is unavoidable (meetings etc) then he needs to help come up with a workable solution. Sound proofing the office? Adding a lock? Blinds to the annex? Whatever it is is a problem that should be solved by you both talking it through.

I get you OP, this happens to my son too. He’s 2.5

absolutely no tantrums on days my husband works in office. I will kindly explain 50 times a day he can’t go upstairs to bother daddy and he will just sob by the baby gate for 30 min blocks every time my husband comes out (5-6 times a day). It ruins huge parts of the day at home and makes our house difficult to be in.
im also pregnant and due in weeks.

plus PP saying doesn’t your house have doors are LOL have they met a toddler? Toddlers can open doors!!!!!

WFH is not compatible with pre-school age children. It's not fair on your DS, and it's not fair on you. If your DP wasn't trying to WFH, you wouldn't have this issue of trying to keep your DS away from him and quiet, you'd just be living normally in your home. He can WFH all day every day if he likes once the children are at school, but until then, he needs to either deal with DS, or go back to the office.

This weekend, ask him to take DS to play in the garden, while you go work in the garden room. Make it clear to DH that this is to show him what you're dealing with. DS is to be fully aware of where you are but DH isn't allowed to let him disturb you.

YABU both of you. Why the hell haven’t you put a lock or latch on the door so DS cannot go in there while DH is working?!

Why?

It's their home and the DH has an office he can go to.

Why can't people use their homes as homes any more?

If he knows his dad is in there do you really think he's going to be quiet?

Don’t try and calm him down. Carry DS to his room and tell him that’s where he stays until he is calm. Then leave him to it (so long as he can’t hurt himself).

If OP stops the soothing and DH stays in there, then yes.
Right now he knows if he screams for 15-30mins, his dad is going to come out.

That needs to stop.

I think a lot of people seem to be fixating on an impression they have that DS has no boundaries. If he genuinely had no boundaries then he wouldn’t be tantrumming, there wouldn’t be anything to tantrum about as he’d be getting his way.

I am doing my best but with the best will in the world people telling me ‘he needs boundaries’ doesn’t somehow make three hours of screaming and crying pass quickly or be enjoyable. In fact, it is more damaging for our relationship to have these constant tantrums. I get that sometimes it is unavoidable but mostly we do try to avoid situations we know will become fraught. Does anyone actually say ‘I know, I’ll take my tired, hungry toddler on a supermarket shop!’ or do they employ some common sense and let the toddler have lunch and nap and then attempt the shop? It’s that sort of thing: it isn’t not having boundaries, just common sense.

Why do you need to make it his problem though? That I don’t get! I did call centre as wfh for the worst two months of my life over pandemic with dh trying to keep 4 kids 2 cats and a dog away from me, sometimes while he was working himself. Your dh in there, even with the locked door is no doubt thinking ‘why didn’t I go into the bloody office?!’ Since then I went months with the kids while he sat behind a locked door and the shushing and trying to keep things quiet drove me insane so my god I do know what you’re going through. The best thing that worked was the fake wave off in the morning and then staying at the furthest end of the house and texting when we had to move around. It sounds ridiculous and yes, stressful, but nothing like standing outside a door trying to stop kids talking or going in!!! (I’m sorry I’ve no real help for you but wfh has so many advantages, and I agree you’ll definitely need flexibility in the future)

WFH might have lots of plusses - saving commuting time and possibly money. Yes you can put a wash on or do some other bits in your breaks.

But it is absolutely to the detriment of home life for everyone else.

No, that isn’t the case. It’s left for me to deal with, and dealing with it is extremely difficult. I move DS away, he kicks, fights me, cries hysterically, tries to get back. It’s horrible.

Ps on the boundary thing, it’s easy for people to say that- 2/3/4 is the hardest age!!!! X

If she can carry him when heavily pregnant and suffering with sciatica, and he’s thrashing around. Or when she’s recovering from a C-section and has a newborn attached about her person. Wouldn’t it be physically easier for DH to stick to his allotted wfh/office days?

Yes that’s the easy way out. But I don’t agree that OP should passive aggressive make it her DH’s problem by doing nothing to achieve that objective.

I take it yours haven’t reached the teenage years yet, trust me 2,3,4 is not the hardest age.

It’s sort of your job to deal with it being the SAHP. It’s not an easy job.

Poor boy he sees his dad and he wants to be with him, perfectly normal. Telling him no won't really help. He wants to see him.
Dh needs to just go in to the office on the days Ds is home end of story, as once the baby comes you will not be able to chase after him as much.
What happens in the summer holidays or is nursery year round?

Put a lock wi1on the door. Your son needs to understand his fatheris busy and he is not yo be disturbed but it's not your fault he keeps changing days.