To not stop DS disturbing DH when he is wfh?

[Mintelderflower]

DH wfh for three days - Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. He is supposed to be at the office Tuesdays and Fridays but often decides to switch days around last minute.

DS attends nursery for three days a week and I have changed these days to accommodate the days Dh is supposed to be in the office because DS is a bit of a nightmare and keeps wanting to play in the room DH is working from and climbing on DH lap, wanting to go out on the bikes (this is also where the bikes are kept.) When he is taken away he throws massive tantrums (he is 2) and also keeps gravitating back. It’s really tricky. Normally DS days in nursery have to be my work days but currently on maternity leave.

I think I need to say very honestly to DH that I’m not going to keep intervening. If he makes the choice not to go to the office on that day then he isn’t going to get much work done. I don’t want to be an arse about this but I sort of feel I’ve done everything I reasonably can to avoid this issue and now it’s on DH.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adhesive-Child-Proof-Pet-Proof-Latches-Bathroom/dp/B0BF8WKKKP/ref=mp_s_a_1_12?crid=QVJ6IP25414C&keywords=baby+proof+door+latch&qid=1687791057&sprefix=baby+proof+door+%2Caps%2C100&sr=8-12

This thing on my husbands side of the door saved my sanity. There’s also a ratchet strap thing that can be opened from both sides easily.

The whole point of OP's post is that she DID change the days the 2 yo goes into nursery to match her husband's WFH schedule because of the problem. And then her DH decided to start randomly changing and adding days he wanted to work from home. That's not fair to OP and the 2 yo who can't cope with him being home and not being able to see him right now. Heavily pregnant OP needs to be able to cope, too, and not have to be 'on' constantly because he can't be arsed to go into the office as scheduled.

@GeriatricMumma

what has that got to do with anything?

Is he really loud? you’ve mentioned a few times ds being able to hear him. Dh needs to get a suitable headset and speak at appropriate volume.

He is taking advantage of the fact that you're on maternity leave and I'd put a stop to that right now.

He knows when DS is at nursery, he knows when DS isn't at nursery. It's a choice to WFH, not a must.

YANBU. I don’t know why some posters are picking holes.

Why is DH choosing to wfh when he should be in the office? I would make it as bloody difficult for him as possible.

@10greenbottleshanging that device stops the toddler opening the door, it doesn’t stop the toddler getting upset when he can’t get in it. So DH gets to work in peace, great, but I have a stressful and miserable afternoon.

@Dixiechickonhols he isn’t particularly or deliberately loud but sound does travel in this house and also, DS does just know or sense when DH is here. This is why I changed his nursery days, just to try to reduce the stress on everybody.

Thanks so much to those who get where I am coming from!

Not sure if mentioned, but if I was Dh I would put a lock on the door. Problem then solved…

If he's out of the way, at at times down the garden, then I agree with the other posters that the parent not working (in this case OP) needs to hold the boundary that the other parent is working and we'll see them at lunch/when they take a break.

Of course a 2 year old is going to have a tantrum at the moment. They're being taught that if they scream enough and dig their heels in then mummy will let them go and interrupt daddy, or that it has a success rate of 75% so it's worth doing to chance their arm.

When mine were 2 they'd get annoyed about all sorts that involved not getting what they wanted when they wanted. I don't think I'm a crap mum, but occasions this happened over trivial things like whether we cut the cheese into cubes or sticks (I do not miss that stage!). That's what 2 year olds do, but we don't let them rule the roost and have one or both of the parents ready to give in and dictate the house.

@Mintelderflower

You don’t have a lot of choice.

You have a baby - a 2 year old can’t be negotiated with.

I don’t know how big peoples’ houses are that they could work in one room and a toddler would be unaware. Our house has paper thin walls, so you can hear everything going on in a room. I’m guessing your son can hear his dad even if he were to lock himself in with a bucket and flask, for the day, as previously suggested.

Option 1: If husband wfh on the wrong day, then he sorts out screaming tantrums.
Option 2: Husband sticks to nursery days previously agreed.
Option 3: Husband goes into office every day.
Option 4: Son goes to nursery every day.

As you say, will only get harder with a screaming baby in the mix.

Good luck.

I think you have a DH problem.

Of course your little one wants to go see dad. He's two and is bound to get upset. He will learn but obviously he hasn't yet.

Why does DH swap days? Is it because work want him in on different days for different meetings or whatever? Or is it because he fancies a change?

If it's the latter you need to lay it on the line that he needs to WFH on days DC is at nursery or you won't be responsible for your actions!

Nah you have accommodated him by changing the nursery days. Your dh needs to remember that this is your home and that of your child too and you have just as much right to be there. The summer holidays are almost here so dads need to start sucking up that they do not get to have sole use of the family home and expect frazzled mothers to silently entertain their kids. They can go back to the office or find somewhere else to work.

Don't know why people are getting all up in arms about you and the toddler - the facts are, you have worked your toddler's schedule around your husband's work, and he keeps changing the goalposts because he CBA getting up and ready or whatever the reason is. So instead of a chill day at home, relaxing in the heat as you're pregnant, and wrangling a 2 YO, you're having to keep your toddler away from your husband.

Seems to me like your husband just needs to get a grip and go into the office or actually understand that if toddler wants daddy because he's seen him at home, then daddy should deal with toddler. Not mummy should find a way to keep the entire household quiet because daddy has changed the goalposts.

And no, I don't think there is anything remotely unusual about a 2 YO behaving like this. I do think the way the husband is behaving is selfish AF though.

For him. Not me.

DH doesn’t mean to be selfish but he genuinely doesn’t understand why it’s so hard. I think this is why I sort of need to make him see it and put the problem squarely in his door if you like.

She has tried and it hasn't worked out. She is pregnant and ds gets very upset to the point of hitting her

Just a suggestion 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mine gave up (eventually) once they realised they couldn’t get in.

Yes, it can make for some stress, but we’d save an ‘exciting’ activity for when maximum distraction was needed - eg. A packet of easy cake mix or water play etc.

My husband varies days - and some weeks is away for the whole week. His work times also vary. There’s a lot of Skype etc with different time zones. There’s no easy planning on this fun bus 😑

Are you sure he doesn't mean to be selfish? It sounds deliberate to me.

@Mintelderflower talk to your dh that it is impacting you to the point of physical exhaustion and mental stress.

Especially about ds getting repeating the cycle of getting upset seeing his father during the day.

The bottom line is, this is not going to get sorted out until both you and your Dh get on the same page and deal with it together. So far that's not happening.

The fundamental question that I haven't seen answered is, why is your husband changing his days? Is it, as various posters are posing it on his behalf, due to work requirements, or is it that he is being a selfish arse and doing what he damn well pleasies regardless of his family? If it's the second you are absolutely NBU, and if it's the first he needs to negotiate that with you up front.

The second question is, does your DH keep a low profile during the day, or does he swan out whenever he wants to, play Disney Dad for five minutes while the kettle boils, then swan off again leaving you to deal with the inevitable meltdown? I'm sure there are ways of him not being present/ visible in the garden building for a start, and he can park his car round the corner.

These are fundamental questions and the answers will be illuminating for us all in what's really happening and how best to deal with it.

Another thought that strikes is that tantrums in 2/3 year olds are pretty par for the course, they are tough, but as a parent you need to start getting used to saying no and meaning it. That goes for both of you, not just you. Never let a child play one of you off against another, they are adept at it if they sense an opening.

So many questions are still unanswered, but yes you absolutely could deal with this if you both posed a united front.

I'm afraid this is only the start of it, it's only going to be tougher when he's six feet tall.

I see it from both sides TBH, I think your DH does perhaps need to understand that him working at home when your DS is there makes things difficult, but I do think you need to work with him to solve this if he does want to carry on wfh on those days. It will be better for you in the long term to have him wfh more rather than less- the half hour he can take the baby instead of commuting will give you a bit of headspace/ time for a shower and in reality his will be the main income whilst you’re on mat leave.

Some suggestions-—
I agree that he should find a place to WFH upstairs. And he should set up with drinks and coffee et cetera beforehand so that he doesn’t keep having to come downstairs.

He can use the loo upstairs and I’m sure that if he uses a headset and keeps the door closed he will be barely audible. It doesn’t need to be the perfect office with full bells and whistles, just a table in the corner of the spare room or even your bedroom. On those days could your DS nap downstairs or in the pushchair?

Your DS may also find it easier if your DH takes takes a proper lunch break and spend it with your DS. This would also be a good habit to get into so that when you’ve got the baby your DH can do lunchtime when he’s at home. So maybe come back from your early walk a little bit earlier so that your DH can spend some quality time with your DS whilst it’s his lunchtime.

I think you need to rearrange the garden office situation so that none of your DS’s toys are kept in there. Even if you just buy a couple of cheap plastic garden stores, if you make it clear that that is a working zone and not a toy place this might help your DS understand.

Finally on a bad day can you ask your DH if he would mind leaving the house for a few hours in the afternoon (maybe after his lunch so between about 1230 and 330) and use a local café or a local working space? That way he won’t have to do the commute but equally if you’re finding it too difficult he will be out of the house.

Anewuser
In our house DC were aware, but it was fairly simple. One parent is working and will see us at lunch/when they have a break. Like any boundary, it took a bit of time to get used to because it's normal for young children to need boundaries reinforcing and teaching. It would have taken longer if we kept giving in, giving inconsistent messages, or we weren't on the same page. I don't believe anyone who says that their young children didn't push at the boundaries because all children do, but we found kind and calmly authoritative "Daddy is working. I know you really want to see him. He's looking forward to playing with you later. You're having time with Mummy now. Would you like to do craft or build blocks/let's choose something to do together" used consistently worked well.

It's probably more difficult to establish that calm consistency if a child is already learning that tantruming/screaming will grind one parent down and/or they're getting inconsistent messages where it's worth screaming/tantruming just in case it works this time.

Why can't DH just stick to the office days when your son is home. Alternatively he needs to go elsewhere for those few afternoon hours. Or he needs to hide himself away and not let your son see him. You really won't want any extra aggro once you have a second child. It will be a short lived phase anyway - within a few months your toddler will either understand or will stop caring as much or will be more easily distracted by TV etc. Your husband needs to get on board and supports you with this now. Not fair to expect you to either be out or deal with constant tantrums!

Does the IBS affect whether or not your DH works from home, is that why he seems to change it on a whim?

I actually agree with you, put an internal lock on the door and if your DS wants to stand outside and have a tantrum, that's for your DS and DH to deal with between them. Plus start trying the sign on the door idea.

Your dh changed his days at home, so he needs to change again to accommodate the change in circumstances your maternity leave brings.
Its not forever and it's not rocket science.

If he changes last minute then no don’t keep intervening, he knows the score