To not stop DS disturbing DH when he is wfh?

[Mintelderflower]

DH wfh for three days - Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. He is supposed to be at the office Tuesdays and Fridays but often decides to switch days around last minute.

DS attends nursery for three days a week and I have changed these days to accommodate the days Dh is supposed to be in the office because DS is a bit of a nightmare and keeps wanting to play in the room DH is working from and climbing on DH lap, wanting to go out on the bikes (this is also where the bikes are kept.) When he is taken away he throws massive tantrums (he is 2) and also keeps gravitating back. It’s really tricky. Normally DS days in nursery have to be my work days but currently on maternity leave.

I think I need to say very honestly to DH that I’m not going to keep intervening. If he makes the choice not to go to the office on that day then he isn’t going to get much work done. I don’t want to be an arse about this but I sort of feel I’ve done everything I reasonably can to avoid this issue and now it’s on DH.

Poor DH has IBS, or this could work! I need to get him a potty.

Tell your arse of a husband to go into the fucking office on his set days and not change them.

Ffs woman why you being so nice? Just tell him it obviously isn’t working and off he fucks to work.

Is he chopping and changing in a misguided attempt to be there more and things he’s helping when he’s hindering.
He’s thinking pg wife is wrangling toddler, I can’t go in office, I’ll go when he’s in nursery when you want the exact opposite.

Camping bucket toilet then? Although I guess the smell would fester on a hot day in a garden room

Seriously though, have you actually asked him to stick to WFH on the days when your kid is in nursery?

Use the upstairs office.

I’m not nice, trust me! I was ready to rip him a new one last week! But the problem is he doesn’t tell me stuff, it’s just ‘aren’t you going to work?’ Oh no, I’m going (whenever) instead and a small part of me dies.

I do need a firm word with him about it, joking aside I don’t mind making some compromises but I do think DS really needs consistency and this doesn’t come from ‘daddy is at work and cannot play’ at this stage. Again it could just be my toddler but I do often find the more you try to stop DS doing something the more he does it, obviously with dangerous things he has to be stopped but sometimes I do just let him get on with it and he stops after a minute whereas when I try to intervene he gets more and more determined.

Who, me or him? And there isn’t an upstairs office.

Get him a bucket.

Seriously, I'm with you on this. You shouldn't have to suffer because he's swapping his days around. I wouldn't be leaving the house for hours on end just because he's decided he's working from home today.

Has he looked into other options? Hot desking somewhere local, coffee shop, library, renting an office space? Or, just sticking to the agreed days!

Agree. Your DC is doing nothing wrong anyway. Its a very difficult concept for a toddler to understand why they can't see a parent who they know is in the house .

The other alternative is that DH works in a small office we have in the house, but this isn’t ideal either

Why can dh not use this office instead of the garden office?

Thanks. I don’t mind him being here at all, it’s him plus DS that is stressful.

Sometimes he does, he is in it now, but it does not make a difference and in fact is probably the worse alternative because it does not have a lock on it. Downstairs is all open plan so DS can hear him and tries to wander in and out at will.

Depends why he is changing the days my daughter has to change quite often due to office meetings, staff holidays etc. As your home I'd take the bike out of the office and teach boundaries now as it will help when baby comes and maybe you need a rest when dad's on duty.

Do you have doors? Bolts, locks?

If a lock could stop a tantrum I would so buy shares in the biggest locksmith company in the UK!

But why on earth must she and the toddler be the ones making all the accommodations? Particularly as he's springing this working from home thing on her at last minute because he just doesn't feel like going into the office?

And as for garden after 5pm... yeah, whatever if that works for you. But I am not restricting my DC from a communal space because someone else is refusing to go to the office.

Is it capable of being locked off? Is there a box room he could use upstairs if you are open plan downstairs. Baby will be in with you so won’t need a nursery at first.
Him being out of sight wfh needs to be sorted.
Annex doesn’t sound workable in light of your updates so I’d look at house instead.

Can you not put some sort of voile curtain or heavier curtain in the garden annex so that your son can't see his father working while he is there?

Alternatively, you mention another room in the house that your DH could work from. Is there anyway that you could get your DH to work from home from there, and schedule his toilet breaks in line with his lunch breaks? He doesn't need to have a mid morning break that involves him leaving the room that he's working in, does he? Can't he bring a travel kettle into his office or similar if he wants a beverage during the day?

Yanbu op. It's your home not an office. He has the choice to go to his office and isn't. Locldown was manic with that kind if thing and it was known that kids would disturb you sometimes. Not necessary anymore.

@Dixiechickonhols there really isn’t anywhere he can work in the house where DS won’t know he is here. The wifi is too unpredictable upstairs and in any case, sound really travels in this house and if we were downstairs we would hear DH talking and I’d never get DS down for a nap. DS would just keep trying to get upstairs and crying.

And DS knows when Dh is here anyway because his car is here - like a lot of toddlers who are deaf to the sound of their name but hear a crisp packet being opened a mile away, mine definitely knows or senses DH’s presence!

My dh works in a garden office and I very much prefer that set up as he’s out of way. I just don’t go in garden if he’s got important meeting on.
I much prefer than over him sat in kitchen or lounge etc.
But I can see that for many the garden use is none negotiable.

Garden offices are great, it’s just at the moment it isn’t working because DS is smart enough to know daddy is there. When the baby comes I will encourage a permanent move out there, it is annoying when you want to sing nursery rhymes and can’t.

It sounds hard. If him going to office full time will make your life easier I’d suggest that.
Will he be able to change back when baby here as an extra pair of hands or not having to take baby to nursery might outweigh the bad side of wfh?
If finances permit maybe look at getting a builder round to see if annex can be made more private and suitable.
I had a relative who wfh with a toddler and put coat on and left before sneaking back in and wfh on top floor. If dh needs to drive off in his car (park on a street) and ds wave bye daddy then get him to do it.

From your title, I was going to say YABU, but with the additional information, you 100% ANBU.

1. You've got your ds in Nursery on the days your dh is scheduled to be at home. If he chooses to wfh on different days, then he is doing so knowing that you and your ds are home and he is likely to be disturbed.
2. He has 2 offices he can work in at home. I say again 2. I had assumed that you were in some sort of open plan house and there was a reason he couldn't work in a bedroom. But no. He is choosing to wfh when he doesn't need to and ^choosing not to work in the office space he has at home. It isn't you that IBU here.