To not stop DS disturbing DH when he is wfh?

[Mintelderflower]

DH wfh for three days - Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. He is supposed to be at the office Tuesdays and Fridays but often decides to switch days around last minute.

DS attends nursery for three days a week and I have changed these days to accommodate the days Dh is supposed to be in the office because DS is a bit of a nightmare and keeps wanting to play in the room DH is working from and climbing on DH lap, wanting to go out on the bikes (this is also where the bikes are kept.) When he is taken away he throws massive tantrums (he is 2) and also keeps gravitating back. It’s really tricky. Normally DS days in nursery have to be my work days but currently on maternity leave.

I think I need to say very honestly to DH that I’m not going to keep intervening. If he makes the choice not to go to the office on that day then he isn’t going to get much work done. I don’t want to be an arse about this but I sort of feel I’ve done everything I reasonably can to avoid this issue and now it’s on DH.

DH can also simply go to work the two days DS isn’t at nursery.

To answer your original question, @Mintelderflower, yes you need to talk to your DH and tell him either to go into the office on the days he agreed or this is very quickly going to become HIS problem, because you cannot do it anymore. You are too pregnant, too tired, too fed up and too frazzled.

Office on agreed days vs disturbance. It's for him to decide.

Ding ding ding

oh @Mintelderflower , I've just quickly read this thread and I can't believe the hard time you're getting!! My son was 2 when he head butted a wall during a tantrum and the HV said it was fine! my sister said her son never had tantrums!! He was my 1st born and was diagnosed with anxiety aged 9. My other two children hardly had tantrums at all!! do the nasty posters forget what it's like, to be heavily pregnant? I've been in your position, heavily pregnant with my 2nd, my son was 4, very active and full on lol . My partner worked 6 days a week, 12 hr days! I worked part-time. over 100 miles from my family.
i can't understand their attitude ( the nasty posters. ) Hope you get a little down time this evening.
And I really hope your husband steps up- i'm shocked at how much he expects you to do.

It's not his workplace though is it. It's THEIR HOME.

OP, you are not being unreasonable at all. I've worked remotely for almost 20 years and when our son was a toddler my DH, a then-SAHP had the same problem you're facing. It didn't even occur to me to debate with DH, it was just so obviously a problem.

Your DH is being wilfuly oblivious and wrecking you and your son's peace at home.

@ImAOneWayMotorway

be as mad as you like, but fuck off to the office to work!!

it's upsetting their toddler & making life harder for his heavily pregnant wife... he has an office, he needs to go use it!

Oh, forgot to mention that when DS was in this phase I rented an office for 8 months. Your DH has an office, ridiculous behaviour on his part to treat your home like his own private corner suite.

It's simple.

DH's standard WFH days are on days when DC is in nursery.

OP said later in the thread she suspects that his changes in days are due to the office having him in on his usual WFH days (fairly standard to swap your WFH days with hybrid working rather than going in the office extra days).

On the days DH WFH when the DC is at home, he has a WFH space where a 2 year old isn't given free run of the house to let themselves in (which means that there's no having to remove the 2 year old from climbing on him), but he also has to accept he needs to schedule time in his day to see his DC over tea breaks and coffee breaks. This helps OP because she can say to DC that Daddy will come and see them at a certain point.

As a parenting team they both teach their child that there's times when Mummy/Daddy will be in the house and not be available (eg WFH for either of them, Mummy needing rest when recovering from birth, Mummy being with baby and needing quiet etc)

Genuine question, on the WiFi upstairs have you tried getting an addition disk/ router, or changing provider? What is your neighbours’ WiFi like? I think this might be something your DH should look into. If you can get WiFi in a garden office it would be odd to not be able to get it upstairs (yes probably involves a few painful calls with the WiFi people but let your DH handle that).

Or can your DH tether to his work phone, or is there a local
workspace / hub (even a library) where he can go for the afternoons for a few hours?

I love this! And yes. Sometimes you have to be that blunt and that honest

I say this as someone in a house with very thick walls/ difficult angles who has got the WiFi to work- and my sister has 2 separate systems one for each end of the house- so I’d definitely look into that.

Sounds like DH needs to go back to the office full time.

OP, it's bollocks that your toddler just needs "more boundaries". He is a toddler, behaving like a toddler, and what you have is an endless source of frustration.

People who are suggesting you should put him in full time childcare are batshit. The one who should be out of the house and off the premises is the one who is trying to turn their family home into a workplace.

It is not possible to WFH effectively with small children around. And the needs of the small child trump those of the adult who could perfectly easily work off the premises. I'd say the needs of the person looking after the small child trump the needs of the "WFH" adult, too.

Exactly!

There’s no need for DH to go back into the office full time. He just needs to WFH the days he agreed to. The ones when DS is at nursery.

I've only read your posts OP. I think your DH needs to go to the office (not garden office!) as arranged. It's not fair on you or DS. I don't understand why your DH doesnt understand your POV. Is the home office fully soundproofed or something?

And yes you can't reason with 2 year olds, or maybe some you can, but some really tantrum a lot and it is a waiting game till they grow out of it in some ways.

There are benefits to WFH - less time commuting, more time with the family, less expense etc. I know MN as a general rule frowns upon WFH but some people really do prefer it.

I do think that there are some things which are unreasonable - for example, expecting a SAHP and/or child to creep around their home and not make a noise. If you choose to WFH, then the noise is something that you have to suck up - or else go into the office.

But disruptions? No. I think it's entirely reasonable to expect the OP to tell her DS no, and ride out the consequences. Two-year-olds aren't renowned for their reasonable approach or logic, so he's bound to be a bit upset. But he will learn that when the door is locked/closed, Daddy is working and not available.

Have you considered putting a sign on the door? That could make it easier for DS to identify/learn that Daddy is working and therefore not available? Visual aids really do help children learn and I know a closed door is a visual sign but I think a proper pictorial aid might help your DS learn.

I'm trying to avoid using the B-word here OP because honestly, I've been there and I know it's hard. But sometimes you do need to tell your child "no" and they need to learn that they can't always get what they want.

What would you do if your DS saw your Tesco shopping being delivered and there was a big bag of sweets that he wanted to eat? If he kicked and screamed because he wanted the sweets, would you give them to him just to calm him down? Pretty sure you wouldn't - and this is the same principle.

I don't think it's reasonable to force the OP's DH to go to the office because OP isn't willing to teach her child that the answer is no. As your DS gets older, and especially when there's another baby in the house, that flexibility re working patterns might be bloody useful.

Another thing - when you say that Daddy isn't available, does your DS know what to expect? Because 2-year-olds tend to think in absolute terms - "daddy has gone forever!!!" Have you considered doing a visual diary for him? If your DS can see when his daddy will reappear, it will reduce his anxiety.

I promise you OP, I'm not trying to have a go. I've got SEN twins and I've been on both sides of the WFH coin - both the parent who doesn't want to be interrupted, and the one trying to keep the DC away from the one working! So I really do appreciate the difficulty for everyone. You should be free to use your home and garden how you want without having to keep the noise down so as long as your DH isn't trying to insist on that, I think it's fair enough for him to WFH.

**Obvs as I have SEN DC, some of the things I've suggested above come from "my world" of parenting DC who have communication difficulties. But many SEN techniques work well with neurotypical DC too, especially when they're very young. Happy to expend on anything if it would help!

Hilarious, I love this too.

You’ve got to speak up, op. The days of women silently toiling at the grindstone but inwardly seething because it’s their ‘lot in life’ are well and truly OVER.

You can't have a parent be unable to be in their own house because their child has a tantrum! I'm sure this is a very difficult time as you're so pregnant but it will pass.

sometimes you do need to tell your child "no" and they need to learn that they can't always get what they want

I agree with this 1000%. But not in this case. A home is a home. It isn't a workplace, other than out of necessity. There is no necessity here. Home is the place where you can be yourself and do your own thing. Home is not a place where a child should be shushed and kept out. It's also not a place where the person looking after the small child should feel forced out, or forced to 'discipline' a toddler who is being a normal toddler.

Any nanny will tell you that it's a sodding nightmare to have parents around the house when they are on duty.

My two year old is fine with my DH working from home BUT I still think YANBU. You need to give your DH a warning that you will no longer be stopping DS from entering the room and therefore it will no longer be a suitable work environment. That way you've been reasonable to give him the heads up.

Fuck his comfort and wants. You're heavily pregnant with an energetic toddler to grapple with. Family comes first and the home is a home first and foremost when a perfectly good office is available elsewhere.

YANBU op. Your DH should just go I to the office when the toddler is at home. Why are people expecting a 2 year old to understand and respond when the adult bloke doesn't feel the need to change his wfh days!

My WiFi upstairs wasn't good, but I fixed it - working from home you usually need better internet. You can usually claim some if the money back, you spouse get your husband to check what he can claim on from HMRC and his workplace.

I think the problem with the situation as described is that if you decide to not go back after taking a huge salary hit from maternity (I'm guessing that's what you're indicating from your comment?) is that you'll be entirely reliant upon your husband's wages for the family. It's your choice to make, but I would say that it means it's more important, especially heading into likely recession again as we are, that his job is prioritised, he'll have to keep it, and he'll have to try and work his way up.

Which means he'll be needing less toddler interruptions rather than more! And I truly mean that, from experience - I've seen more than one person over the last few years not get promoted because of too many distractions at home, including children; I've even seen a couple get warnings about their employment status over it! So I don't think letting a screaming child go into where he's working more just to make a point is looking at the bigger, long-term picture!

In the end, if it is on him to deal with, and if he's anything like me, then your son may end up going into daycare full-time anyway - I was not about to give up my job that kept a roof over my head to keep my kids out of daycare. Nor would I deal with less favourable T&C's in order to keep my kids out of daycare - if I went into the office more now, my employer would just take away my long-term right to work at home, so I'd be shooting myself in the foot 5 years down the line.

Also - daycare is fantastic is this country, why wouldn't I want that for my kids anyway? They better at teaching kids the basics than I am, they're trained professionals at it. My kids thrived, and I can honestly say there's no way I would have been as successful doing things like potty training or teaching them some self-control on my own. And I'm a pretty good parent! I'm just also not going to kid myself that I'm Mary Poppins 😂

The responses on here are so annoying! OP my DD was like your DS at that age. Let me tell you, all these posters ranting on about boundaries, no means no etc- they would honestly have no idea how to cope with a less compliant child. I know because I’ve seen people try their brilliant ‘parenting strategies’ on my DD. Guess what? It didn’t work. All two year olds are different!!!

There is no need to have DH move upstairs. All that means is DS has a tantrum because he cannot go upstairs rather than because he cannot go into the annexe.

Boundaries are important when raising children, but they also have to be reasonable boundaries. Expecting a six month old baby to walk themselves and barking ‘she needs boundaries! You can’t always carry her!’ would be absolute madness.

DS does not in understand. I don’t care if your toddler would have, or if your toddler didn’t at first and now does because you patiently explained, because your toddler is not my toddler.

And as much as boundaries are important they are not the only thing that is important. Compassion and flexibility and responding to needs also are important. It is extremely hot and muggy here at the moment. DS is old enough to sense a big change coming and not old enough to really understand it and that’s coming out in all sorts of strange ways. He’s been trotting into nursery quite happily since he was ten months but suddenly started to become hysterical when I approached. Then it stopped as soon as it started. Then he started being difficult at bath time when this was never previously an issue. Now, it’s these big BIG tantrums. All signs that his world is being disturbed.

Life has to go on. He does have to go to nursery or I can’t work. He does have to have a bath. He can’t disturb his dad at work - but where I can make adjustments I do. All I’m asking for is the same in reverse.

I don't think children should be shushed in their own home, or made to feel as if they have to be quiet. They should be able to play in their garden in exactly the same way as they would if DH was at work.

If DS can do all of that and DH isn't getting stroppy about noise - the OP suggests that he's absolutely fine about it - then I don't see why DH can't work from home. The person who is WFH should have to adapt around the people who are living there and don't have the right to insist on certain working conditions being met. But I don't think asking the child not to go into a garden office is an unreasonable request.

Literally the only thing in the way of the DH being able to WFH is a child who won't accept being told "no". Their lifestyle isn't being curtailed, they are free to go around the whole house and garden playing however they want - apart from one room.

What if someone was ill? What if one parent worked nights? The child would have to learn that sometimes the answer is no.

I know MN likes to pile onto men disproportionately - and in fairness, it's often with good reason. I'm not a man, btw, but I don't like the ways things aren't always even handed. If there was a woman on here saying that she preferred to WFH and that her DH refused to stop their child from busting into the room, posters would be queuing up to criticise the man for not being able to parent the child. There's no way posters would be agreeing that the woman had to leave the house.

Why should someone - of either sex - HAVE to go into the office just because it's impossible to teach a 2 yr old that Mummy/Daddy is at work and therefore unavailable? It's a ludicrous concept. There are lots of reasons why WFH might be preferable and in this modern day and age, it's not unreasonable to want to WFH.

Also, with another baby on the way, now seems like the ideal time to teach the toddler that sometimes you can't always get what you want right away. OP is going to need support from her DH after she gives birth, and that might mean explaining to DS that they can't go to Mummy right now.

Honestly, I'm not unsympathetic and I get that it's much easier to shoo DH off to work at the office. But having an extra pair of hands in the house as an emergency back-up could be useful when there's another small baby in the mix. I've suggested methods above that could help ease the learning period - and I've been through this myself with SEN twins so I know it's painful at first. But if both parents stick to the routine, and the aids are used every time, the child will quickly adapt.

When I took my DS to nursery for the first time he cried his eyes out. And he did on the second day, and the third. It took a while but he learnt that he could have fun while I wasn't there, and that I'd always come back for him. It's exactly the same principle.