To not stop DS disturbing DH when he is wfh?

[Mintelderflower]

DH wfh for three days - Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. He is supposed to be at the office Tuesdays and Fridays but often decides to switch days around last minute.

DS attends nursery for three days a week and I have changed these days to accommodate the days Dh is supposed to be in the office because DS is a bit of a nightmare and keeps wanting to play in the room DH is working from and climbing on DH lap, wanting to go out on the bikes (this is also where the bikes are kept.) When he is taken away he throws massive tantrums (he is 2) and also keeps gravitating back. It’s really tricky. Normally DS days in nursery have to be my work days but currently on maternity leave.

I think I need to say very honestly to DH that I’m not going to keep intervening. If he makes the choice not to go to the office on that day then he isn’t going to get much work done. I don’t want to be an arse about this but I sort of feel I’ve done everything I reasonably can to avoid this issue and now it’s on DH.

I meant coy about all the other questions everyone has asked, like about why the upstairs office isn't a reasonable solution, or why he can't set up a desk in the bedroom, or why there can't be a lock on whatever door to whatever room, or why there isn't a stair gate.

But if I'm honest I think the only real solution under the circumstances is daily daycare. If my husband wasn't here, or was physically unable to care for the children while I was working, then that would be the only feasible option - I work, it doesn't matter if that's at home or in the office, it's still work and I still cannot do childcare while I'm working. Neither can you husband, and if you're unable to as well, then really it's the only solution that's going to work for both of you long-term. It'll have to happen anyway once you're both back at work, so why wait?

Tell him no and let him tantrum. Eventually he learns no means and your husband sees the result of him changing days wfh. You are in charge be in charge

I don’t think you’ve read my posts or if you have you haven’t understood them @GeekyThings . I don’t think there’s much to be gained by repeating earlier things I have answered and then being insulted because you didn’t read them.

Everything you criticise above has been answered.

You have to swing the pendulum from the aggravation being on you to the aggravation being more on him. Husband will NEVER stick to promised wfh days if you don’t. You feel pressure to please a second toddler. Enjoy the bliss of having h aggravated every minute of the day he’s not supposed to be wfh. Problem will be solved within one or day days of this. Try it before you dismiss it. Do you want to solve this problem or not.

And yes, let DS tantrum, got it. DH is the only one who matters in this set up. DS misery and my misery - not important.

For the short term, your DH needs to stick to the days that work around nursery barring exceptional circumstances. I don't see the boundaries debate as relevant as it could be due to the situation being avoidable.

Except my example was literally a SAHM who is pregnant or just had a baby.

The debate doesn't help the OP anyway. It makes no difference to her if she's described as being on ML or as a SAHM - she's still dealing with the same crap which was my point.

Yanbu, it's his problem if he's chosen to stay at home on the arranged nursery says. You are heavily pregnant and the last thing you need is additional stress of tantrums when it's unnecessary. Your dh is being selfish. Your ds will learn boundaries in time, but he is 2. All he sees is dad, he wants dad. He doesn't understand dad can't play. Your dh needs to stop being selfish and causing a problem for everyone else. He has 2 valid options- go to the office or wfh on nursery days.

I read all your responses, it was unclear why the options I've listed wouldn't be on the cards.

But I did just ask a new question - why not daily childcare? If neither of you can care for your child during working hours then why not put him into daycare instead?

Your home is primarily YOUR HOME. It's not an office.

If you've kindly arranged childcare for his wfh days and he decides not to avail himself of the opportunity to work in peace from home, then more fool him.

He absolutely cannot expect a toddler to comply. He cannot expect you to be cajoling and peacemaking all day if he decides he needs peace to wfh.

If he wants peace and quiet on the days he works from home then he needs to communicate this to you and sort out childcare.

You need to be resting and spending quality time with your toddler.

This isn't your problem.

Hand this back to your husband and get him to sort nursery days out in conjunction with his work schedule.

Once he realises he's the one who needs to coordinate this then he'll take his child free days more seriously to wfh.

So don't stop the tantrums, if your toddler tantrums, open the door to the office and ask your husband to help calm him down. Rinse and repeat.

Maybe try that receptacle to urinate into in the garden office to extend working hours.

Op, why are you arguing with foolish people instead of taking actual advice from the rest of us to solve your problem?

You’re not even listening to or responding to the reasonable posts providing you with support and good advice. Do you want to solve your problem or not?

@Livelovebehappy

of course it's not 'problem solved'

try reading the OP's posts

I pointed it out because it's a reason why she's getting the responses she's getting.

It's assuming that everything must revolve around DH because he's the man and is working. OP needs to take all of the responsibility.

Completely ignoring the fact that OP already rearranged nursery days to be considerate and work around DH. Now it should be his turn.

I can’t believe how much flack you are getting! Your husband is being utterly selfish and tone deaf. You are at HOME, where you should be able to get on with your day in peace. You are not camping out in an OFFICE. Tell your husband this does not work for you at all, your life is being made an absolute misery. If he still needs convincing tell him to go to to his office when your son is not at nursery, that you will no longer be making any concessions whatsoever , your son will wander into the office as many times as he pleases.
Your husband needs to come up with a solution himself, like he finds a one of those shared work spaces OUT OF YOUR HOME.
Stop accommodating your husband like this, it is completely unreasonable.

Your husband's job comes before the toddler thinking he can stroll in.
Well, not really – because homes are homes first and foremost, and WFH spaces as a secondary element. Her husband also has the option of going to an actual not-at-home office if his home isn’t ideally set up for WFH.

I say this as someone who WFH as does DP. Both of us are clear that it’s a home, in which we sometimes work. DD is still allowed play dates and garden time on each of our days WFH, and if her garden noise floats through the open window and into a zoom call, the onus is on us to shut the window and boil in the heat, not on her the stop shouting about fairy potion with her little pals.

WFH can be brilliant – I love it, I love reclaiming all that commute time, I love having the contents of my fridge on tap, I love lunch breaks in the garden. But it is working from home. It’s OP’s home and the toddler’s home and if the work from that home doesn’t benefit and actively disrupts them, it’s (pun alert) not working.

A SAHM who is pregnant and just had a baby is still not the same as a woman on mat leave.

SAHM and woman on mat leave are mutually exclusive!

@MysteryBelle that’s not fair … I have. I’ve said thank you, numerous times, and agreed with you that I need to address this with Dh.

@GeekyThings so I have already explained the wifi upstairs just isn’t good enough for DH to work there and even so I’m not sure there is a discernible difference between DS having a tantrum because he can’t go in an annexe and DS having a tantrum because he can’t go upstairs.

But I am lost with your ‘why not put him in full time childcare.’ Because the whole point of me working PT is supposed to be so DS isn’t in FT childcare. I am undecided what I’ll do when my maternity leave ends but in any case, I certainly don’t think forking out for FT childcare at a point where my income is about to drastically nosedive is wise. I think it would also have a detrimental effect on DS behaviour, given that I think some of the causes for it are probably worry.

I am genuinely grateful for those who have been supportive, it is hard not to answer personal comments.

I suppose I am just coming at it from the other side in that DH/me WFH has only ever been a positive thing. Shorter days due to no commute, a spare pair of hands when needed, flexibility to help out on lunch and work breaks. It was invaluable when DD2 was a tiny baby and it was an ordeal leaving the house - DH would come and get them in car seats, lift the pram into car, etc.

But we've never had the tantrum issues as this is just always how it's been, neither DD knows anything different. They spend plenty of time with their dad and with me both together and separately so never seem to have minded one parent being temporarily unavailable while the other parent watches them.

But it sounds like DH WFH is universally negative for you, which is a shame as if I were him I wouldn't want to do a long commute more than I had to. But if it's making your life so difficult then that's a conversation that needs to happen.

If neither of you can care for your child during working hours then why not put him into daycare instead?

Do you really think OP can't care for her child?
Do you really think she should pay for 2 extra days childcare and miss this time with her son, rather than her DH going into his actual workplace?

I suspect not, I think you're just being goady.

Why are people so in love with WFH they'd do this to their spouse?

I think this whole WFH is an absolute disaster with small children. And I'd have hated it when mine were little or in the holidays.

Homes should be homes.

@GeekyThings

Are you being deliberately goady?

maybe they don't want to soend an additional amount of money in childcare fees. Maybe the OP wants her toddler at home with her two days.

what she definitely doesn't want is to spend two days a week with an upset tantruming toddler because her DH is being a selfish twunt.

nit a difficult concept to grasp shoukd you wish to

I'm also amazed at all the flack you are getting OP! It really is the "children should be seen and not heard" brigade!

Yep, except it's "children should be seen and not heard" AND mothers are at fault for anything that interferes with fathers' Very Important Desires Needs.

I'm angry on your behalf, OP, can you tell? ;)

It is fair, op, because you could solve this instead of going back and forth with foolish people.

I’m beginning to think there are three toddlers in this situation.

If you think this is the biggest problem you’ve got with parenting, I can assure you it will be the least of your worries as time marches on.

This is a problem you can solve this week.

But instead you ignore the obvious and keep doing something that simply won’t work (arguing with posters on SAHPs and locks and bicycles) just like your husband stubbornly insisting on changing days on a whim and assuming toddler will magically be silent and placid.

Just like toddler insists on seeing his dad when he’s working. But he’s an actual toddler so that’s understandable.

But you two are grown adults.

Let son hound your husband to hades until he sticks to agreed upon days! I mean, let him hound him TOTALLY from beginning of day to end of day. Keep absolute calm while this happens.

Problem is much more likely to be solved when it’s your husband being extremely inconvenienced instead of you. Please tell me you understand this.

Of course he’s gliding along doing whatever he pleases. Because you’re manically trying to keep toddler out of the house and occupied and not screaming and only slightly inconveniencing oblivious husband.

Dial it up 100 notches. That is the answer.

What you’re doing is not working. You’re being given the answer on a silver platter. Take it.

@SpicedPumpkinLatte Totally agree. OP is being unreasonable. Cannot understand why a 2 year old should be ruling here. The DS can be removed from the wfh space & told No.