To not stop DS disturbing DH when he is wfh?

[Mintelderflower]

DH wfh for three days - Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. He is supposed to be at the office Tuesdays and Fridays but often decides to switch days around last minute.

DS attends nursery for three days a week and I have changed these days to accommodate the days Dh is supposed to be in the office because DS is a bit of a nightmare and keeps wanting to play in the room DH is working from and climbing on DH lap, wanting to go out on the bikes (this is also where the bikes are kept.) When he is taken away he throws massive tantrums (he is 2) and also keeps gravitating back. It’s really tricky. Normally DS days in nursery have to be my work days but currently on maternity leave.

I think I need to say very honestly to DH that I’m not going to keep intervening. If he makes the choice not to go to the office on that day then he isn’t going to get much work done. I don’t want to be an arse about this but I sort of feel I’ve done everything I reasonably can to avoid this issue and now it’s on DH.

She hasn't given birth yet. So it amounts to the same thing, she's not working, he is, so the majority of childcare and house stuff will fall into her because she's available at the moment and he's not!

Your dh needs to work from the office on none nursery days.
I wouldn’t be exhausting myself dealing with a toddler meltdown which could easily be solved if your dh kept to the schedule.

I can't believe people on this thread think it's an issue with a toddler when it's an offer with a dh. The only "boundary" you need is your dh bloody well going into work when he's supposed to!

I apologise if I’ve missed this, but have you actually spoken to your husband about all this? As it seems super straightforward and like it could be sorted by one proper conversation.

Pregnancy can be tough, a partner should step up.

And that still doesn't make her a SAHP.

It's effectively the same thing though.

I mean what would you call a SAHP who went on to have another baby? They wouldn't be on mat leave but they'd still be recovering from pregnancy/childbirth.

Yes this exactly.
All this blaming you for the toddler meltdowns and endless suggestions on how you can make it work, it’s ridiculous.
Either he goes into the office when his child is not in Nursery or deals with an upset child. It’s not a problem of your making and it’s not your problem to fix.

Yes, it is interesting that the two year old is the one deemed difficult!

@Lacucuracha he doesn’t expect me to be out of the house, but equally I do get told ‘I’m in a meeting!’ or similar with an air of this being my problem. Generally it is just easier out of the house but as the months roll by and I’ve got bigger I’ve just started becoming less able to be out of the house from nine in the morning to five in the evening. I’ve come to realise it isn’t any sort of life for me or for DS.

I am not getting into a daft debate about me ‘not working.’ I am very heavily pregnant, extremely sore and stiff and with sciatica stabbing me every time I move! I’m also still able to access work emails, and still being paid for a few months anyway so no, I’m not a SAHP. Unless anyone thinks DH will be a SAHP for the 2 weeks he is on paternity leave!

I'm quite surprised by some of these replies. There are 5 people in our house who sometimes or always WFH, plus two toddlers (to be fair, not everyone lives here full-time, it's the parents' house and various adult children live here for different days, but that's beside the point). We draw a distinction between people who have to WFH (one whose office has shut down so that everyone now works remotely only; all of us during covid lockdowns), and people who could go in to the office but choose to WFH for their own convenience. If you choose to WFH, you accept that there will be interruptions. We take care to not disturb people on a call, for example, but you're in an environment that is primarily a home and normal home life goes on. The children come in to the room. Whoever is looking after them removes them after a short while. You might also be asked to hang out a load of washing or empty the dishwasher on your coffee break. You will be expected to offer to make food for others if you're making for yourself ... etc. etc. It's a family home where you happen to be working! The person who permanently WFH gets the quietest space and a bit more consideration because he didn't choose the situation.

They wouldn't be on mat leave because they aren't in paid employment.

OP is, so not a SAHP. The only reason she is at home right now is because she is too pregnant to work at her job.

It's also more temporary.

It isn't the same thing.

Also, just in the interests of understanding (!) these are the reasons I chop/ change my wfh days:

• need to have a confidential conversation (my workplace has very few separate spaces);
• WiFi at work playing up;
• need to concentrate- work is easier to do at home as it’s quieter (!);
• have to go in on a scheduled WFH day so want to take a different day at home;
• medical appointments or something at school;
• feeling ill so can’t face the commute;
• in the past, cost of commuting.

So not all the reasons for “chopping and changing” involve being a selfish arse! And I probably would have been a bit annoyed to be told I couldn’t WFH if any of these reasons applied, though obviously I would have done my utmost to help
minimise any adverse effects on the family.

This too.

No one refers to fathers as SAHP's when they are on paternity leave.

It sounds like you have put effort into facilitating it so it should work well for everyone (ie planning nursery days around his wfh days), and he's doing as he pleases despite this and then complaining that you aren't running around after DS. If he wants to work from home random days then he should discuss this with you, sure its his home too but its making your life harder and more stressful which would be annoying even if you weren't heavily pregnant.

The thing with that @Heronwatcher is that they are all about you, about how the commute or the quiet or whatever is best for you. That’s fine, and understandable. If my job lent itself to WFH then I am sure I would prefer that too. However, it isn’t all about the person WFH. That’s the blunt reality of it. And I suppose this is what I mean: I’ve done my bit, I’ve made adjustments and I’ve tried to be accommodating. I now feel it is DHs turn to do the same.

@Mintelderflower I'm just quoting myself so you see it. Seriously it's dh causing the problem so he needs to sort it. You're doing all you can.

Ignore the super mums who have total angels who stick to all boundaries.

The only 'boundaries' required are with your husband.

He needs to do what he says he'll do regarding the office or all bets are off and you send your DS into his room!

Your DH does need to help with this but you need to have a conversation with him explaining the problem.

The issue is your DS is seeing Daddy and not understanding why he cant spend time with him, so you need to give him a set routine of Daddy contact. For example, Dad says I am working from now until x time, here is a timer (buy a digital beeping timer) and when it beeps dad will come out and spend time with you.

If you knock on dads door before then he wont be able to see you because he will have to catch up on what he missed. Then set toddler a task to do- here is a colouring book and I would like you to colour in a page really nicely for me to see, when the timer goes off and it is our time together.

To be fair @Chocolateship he has never complained about DS - although I do get ‘I’m in a meeting! I’m on a call!’

But this is largely because despite the endless banging on about boundaries we DO have them, I have worked extremely hard to ensure DH can work in peace. But I’m sort of reaching the point where I don’t think I am going to bother any more and if DH does not like it he needs to go into the office for the two days a week he agreed to.

You've arranged 3 Days of nursery. If OH changes his days I'd let toddler howl outside the office. If OH complains tell him to pickle off. Sort this before a screaming baby arrives, and try shutting that up. Your OH is being a dick.

@ProudThrilledHappy ds would never understand that and even if he could there is no way it would work with the nature of DHs work.

And that's fair enough, you shouldn't be run ragged whilst he works just because he's chosen to work from home outside of his assigned days. I would chat with him though and say how much it's affecting you and that going forward he will have to be proactive in keeping him away if he wants to carry on. I suspect he will swiftly go back to the office on his assigned days.

I'm also impressed at all of these 2 years old with clear boundaries!

for you OP, I remember the "terrible twos" very well and how challenging they are even with the best parenting skills! They do pass though (hold onto that thought) my DS was very very hard work at two but has been wonderful ever since- even teen years were not a problem after coping with toddler tantrums.
Is your DH aware how much hassle and upset his changes in wfh routine are causing for you? Talk it through with him (without DS around) and explain as you have here. Good luck.

Could you not just have a conversation with your husband and explain to him the impact this is having on you and ask him to WFH on your son's nursery days?

Same 🤣 my daughter at 2 would have been the exact same as OP's son