To not stop DS disturbing DH when he is wfh?

[Mintelderflower]

DH wfh for three days - Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. He is supposed to be at the office Tuesdays and Fridays but often decides to switch days around last minute.

DS attends nursery for three days a week and I have changed these days to accommodate the days Dh is supposed to be in the office because DS is a bit of a nightmare and keeps wanting to play in the room DH is working from and climbing on DH lap, wanting to go out on the bikes (this is also where the bikes are kept.) When he is taken away he throws massive tantrums (he is 2) and also keeps gravitating back. It’s really tricky. Normally DS days in nursery have to be my work days but currently on maternity leave.

I think I need to say very honestly to DH that I’m not going to keep intervening. If he makes the choice not to go to the office on that day then he isn’t going to get much work done. I don’t want to be an arse about this but I sort of feel I’ve done everything I reasonably can to avoid this issue and now it’s on DH.

Fucking hell, of course you're not being unreasonable. He chooses to work from home, he can cope with the actual conditions of working from home, which should NOT involve you having to protect him from the harsh reality that other people live there, some of whom are not angelically biddable and placid. And while I appreciate that people suggesting tactics to manage your DS's emotions are trying to be helpful, it is a) good parenting to pick your battles and try to avoid obvious, predictable flashpoints if possible and b) NOT YOUR PROBLEM. You've done your best to stop this arising, now you step back and let DH manage it. If he can't, then he may have to reassess, that's all.

Good luck and bon courage. My DD is also not very biddable. ;)

This thread is weird. Mostly because you seem to be being coy about a lot of things, including why your husband is changing his days (a few people asked earlier, still no answer); why he can't use the office in the house (eventually we discovered it was yours(?), and has no lock, but still no answer as to why you can't get one and why it apparently won't work anyway); and why things can't be moved around or modified to make the garden office a more viable solution (although that one really isn't a decent solution with no toilet).

Without all the info above I'm going to have to say YABU, because there are plenty of decent solutions that have been offered on the thread, and no good reason that I can see as to why you can't do some or all of them. I can't say he's being unreasonable being at home on those days because we don't know why he's changing his days, there could be very good reasons for it, and he's working and you're not, so if that was me I would also be annoyed at you letting our kid wander in while I was working!

Saying that, I work at home pretty much full-time, and if my husband wasn't willing to do the childcare then I would put mine into daycare every day - home working isn't trying to do a little work around your childcare, that seems to be a mistake a lot of people make! I treat home working the same as the office, I would not be able to do my work with my children there, I don't think anyone can.

It's good that your husband has flexibility in his job. I wouldn't want to punish him for making use of that by letting a young child please themselves in his workspace.

I'd definitely make better attempts to keep the toddler away. Only get the bikes out when your husband's on a break/definitely not on a call. Put a lock or a hook on the door to stop the toddler barging in. Tell your husband to wear noise cancelling headphones during the day.

I know it's difficult to control a little person with a will of their own, but I would attempt to compromise instead of making my husband fully commit to set days. You must benefit from his arrangement sometimes, or you will at some point.

I’m not being coy - I don’t know. What a strange word 😂 I think a lot of the time it’s because he’s asked into the office and CBA going in three days instead of two.

MN toddlers are always so well behaved compared to mine!

I’m very much getting the impression that it’s no help whatsoever having dh at home.
If he helped then it would be swings and roundabouts. Eg if he can do breakfast or able to take over bang on 5pm if wfh it’s a decent trade off for you needing to be quiet for an hour meeting sometimes.
Even if he’s not saying anything it sounds like he’s expecting you to stay away or keep Ds quiet as that’s what you’ve done until now.
Maybe if you do just live your life then he will naturally choose to go in office.
So if he says I’m on a call/meeting you say enjoy we’re singing nursery rhymes, playing in sandpit etc and just crack on.

You must benefit from his arrangement sometimes I can honestly say no I have not.

I do not understand why people are twisting themselves in knots to show that somehow it is you being unreasonable for wanting to use your home as, you know....a home.
Homes are for living in first and foremost.
Imagine keeping a toddler out of the garden in this weather so a grown man can work in the garden office.... no way.

This.

@Dixiechickonhols it really isn’t that. I don’t care a jot if he’s working and doesn’t empty the dishwasher or makes a mess when he gets his lunch. But it is miserable living a life where your home often doesn’t feel like your home.

I don’t wish to be an arse here; I don’t want to insist he’s in the office five days a week every week. But living in someone’s workplace just isn’t particularly relaxing or enjoyable. I think getting some respite from it for two days is very reasonable.

@Mintelderflower I agree they are about the worker, as I said they are reasons why I changed my days, I was just trying to help with the other side of the argument- not assuming that your husband just does it on a whim.

I don’t disagree that if it’s making life difficult for you it needs to change but I don’t think forcing him back into the office when it may make his life more difficult and when, actually, having him
around when you have a newborn could be really helpful. Hence my earlier suggestions about trying to get to a solution which works for you all- so my suggestions for him to work somewhere else, working locally but out of the house for the afternoon etc up thread.

But also yes, what has he said when you’ve told him how difficult it is when he is WFH and/ or he’s seen it himself? I think that would help understand his perspective on this.

Your husband's job comes before the toddler thinking he can stroll in. I wfh and my youngest is 2, he absolutely is not allowed upstairs where I work, the stair gate is locked. You should be looking after the toddler and keeping them away. I have 3 kids 7 and under they all know "mummy is working, don't disturb her" if ever they are back and I'm still working. You usually work around the person who is in paid employment, not let the 3 year old rule the roost!

Op, I sympathize. I also have sciatica that started in pregnancy, still get it, it’s very painful. You’re pregnant and have a 2 year old and a dh wfh who is a source of fascination for ds. Often little boys are mama’s boy then later become daddy’s boy. So your situation is trickier than most. Your son is a daddy’s boy from the get go 😅

He wants to be with his daddy. That is it in a nutshell. I don’t think it’s so much that your son is throwing tantrums because he can’t understand ‘daddy is working’, I think he can, it’s that he doesn’t understand why daddy is ignoring him when he comes out to use the bathroom or to have a snack.

Your dh is going to have to give his boy some attention on his breaks. And you can hopefully forestall the tantrums by reminding him he’ll get his hug or a few minutes of play from his dad soon instead of waiting entire day.

You’ve done your part by scheduling nursery on dh’s wfh days. But dh keeps changing work days on a whim, so that’s on him. Tell him that and then reinforce that truth by confronting him with reality. He has to acknowledge his son when he goes on breaks for bathroom, snacks, lunch.

Hopefully your dh will realize he’s shooting himself in the foot and will stick to a specific set of wfh days. It’s his own fault this is happening.

MN toddlers are always so well behaved compared to mine!
They won't be.Toddlers are toddlers. They don't generally like us putting boundaries in place and it can be a battle.

I don't believe anyone who says they had a perfect ride with toddlers.

It's a really hard stage to get through, but I was glad that mums a few years down the road from me were there saying "the easy path now is the hard path later" and "they're going to tantrum when you put boundaries in place, and you're going to be at your wits end, but better have that now than have an older child who is used to tantruming to get their own way".

The pay off from persevering with the boundaries is worth it on the other side.

often decides to switch days around last minute.

Why does he do that? That would really annoy me if I’d sorted nursery around his work days.

The whole problem is solved if dh sticks to wfh schedule instead of changing days on a sudden whim.

What would you be doing while you're letting him disturb your husband?

What does this even mean? Her DS wants Daddy because he knows he's there, or he wants to go into the room for other reasons (e.g. the bikes are there). If the DH wasn't there, none of this would be a problem. The OP is perfectly capable of parenting, but doesn't appreciate having her life made fifty times harder by her DH assuming that he can work from home whenever he wants, rather than in the days that she has carefully arranged childcare to try to avoid exactly this problem.

I'm so confused by some of these replies. Surely the simple answer is the DH (the adult who can be reasoned with more easily) goes into the office on the pre-agreed days? Not that OP has to constantly exercise her parental authority over the toddler who doesn't understand why he can see daddy but can't get to daddy, and, as such, has a very difficult day?

Your 2yo isn't the problem - it is your DH. It is totally unfair on you having to deal with all of the tantrums from your DS because your selfish DH decided to change the days he WFH. You had already scheduled DS's nursery days to be the days that DH was WFH.

I would be telling DH that from now on, he needs to WFH on the days that DS is in nursery. If he chooses not to, then you will not be preventing DS from going into his office and you will just hand DS over to him and he can see how working and parenting DS at the same time goes, I guarantee he will not do it again.

You are getting a hard time here, OP, you do not have a DS problem - you have a DH problem. And this problem is going to get much worse for you once the new baby comes along.

But you’re using logic and that can be frowned upon by some 😂

I’m probably not explaining very well. I was thinking if you benefited as a family by him being wfh then it’s easier to put up with some of the inconvenience. But it sounds like there’s no benefit to you and ds.
I can understand you just want to be able to do what you want in your home.
Like I said earlier my set up is dh in garden office but design is I don’t see him. That works for me. Everyone is different some colleagues happily wfh in same room as their husband.
It sounds like you need to have a serious conversation with him as to his wfh plans and expectations eg you will soon be feeding baby and can’t be constantly out or wrangling ds away.

She has arranged it around her DH who usually WFH 3 days a week by having their DS in nursery those days.

DH needs to work from the office the other 2 days to make things easier for his heavily pregnant wife like she has made those 3 days WFH easier for him.

DH should consider his family as OP has considered him. It shouldn't all be about DH's wants.

As usual, a problem that could be easily fixed by a husband being less selfish
I wouldn't even bother trying to prevent your toddler from
disturbing him

Am I right in thinking you've not really discussed this with DH, you're just getting fed up with intervening all the time? If that's the case you just need to hash this out properly to be fair, it's a team sport.

Your DH needs to change his behaviour to help you out, either by only WFH when little one is in nursery, or coming up with a plan to be as invisible as possible, IMO you BOTH need to tackle this by working smarter not harder.

There should be a lock on the door, DH should text you if he needs to come out to give you time to distract toddler, not just spring out after you've been trying to deflect a tantrum for half an hour.. that is such a dick move. I know you've heard it throughout the thread, but you definitely need to firm up with little one.. you can't negotiate with terrorists toddlers, but you do need to find a solution that works for them, distraction, rewards etc, losing priviliges on tantrums, etc. IMO I don't think you should ever let your DS see your DH when he's 'working', and that way he'll learn that no matter what he does it doesn't get the result he wants so you both need to be on top of that, he will learn if given the opportunity.

Our DD is 2, and she has almighty tantrums at times, but I can reason and explain things to her for the most part.. If i just said no, or stop it, it would be a full on meltdown, but when she does have a tantrum about something, I tell her to listen (have to repeat 'listen' 2-3 times sometimes if it's a doozy), then only when she's stopped screeching I explain that she 'can't do that right now for whatever reason applies' we can do it 'later', BUT we can do 'this!' instead right now (insert something she likes) she understands what later means now, and we always do that thing later, use the lack of attention span as a tool if you can!

I don’t think DS is especially a daddy’s boy. It’s more that when he is taken from something he keeps gravitating back to it.

I have spoken to DH about it but I don’t think he gets it, at all. It’s clear to me from the thread that some people believe a woman someone who is not working deserves a stressful life and the man person working needs to be left alone.

Then there are people who just think I’m a shit parent, even though I’ve explained over and over that I have been intervening to stop DS disturbing DH but it doesn’t work and DS seems to be becoming more determined if anything.

Then there are those who really don’t get it. Lock the door, get headphones, do this, do that. Except that still leaves me with a tantrumming toddler - I don’t think people realise at this point I’m sort of past caring if Dh is disturbed or not. I just can’t be dealing with crying and rage and screaming all afternoon. And if that reflects badly on my parenting, I don’t care.

It takes a long time for children to get that you’re working and need to not be disturbed. 2 year olds are far too young to get it. My husband was wfh today unexpectedly on my nwd and my 4yo went to see him during calls twice. They do not have the emotional ability to understand what work is or why it might be important. They just want to see their parent. My 7yo does get it and understands. It is why she can be at home if I’m working and the other one absolutely can’t unless it’s emergency.

I think your husband has to do better at sticking to the nursery days. If he’s being disturbed it is in his gift not to be. You and your son should be enjoying the time you have and the chances of interruptions will be much higher when the baby is around as you’ll be distracted.