Please read.. was I in the wrong here?

[fullofregrets4]

I just be being a bit over sensitive but I’m slightly upset by it all and just thought I would post here to get other opinions on it

I’m only 20 but I have a good full time job. my mum was a single parent and I have been raised by a family of very strong and inspirational women. I was always taught to be respectful and polite to everyone but to never let people walk over you, know your worth and stand up for what you believe in even if it means you are on your own. Ok I’m harping on a bit now, I’m sure you all know what I mean :)

I had an unpleasant situation at work around 2 months ago. my boss behaved incredibly unprofessionally to me over a very minor mistake after some paperwork couldn’t be found but was found again 5 minutes later- which wasn’t even my mistake it was a different staff member with the exact same first name as me, and my boss heard the name and jumped to conclusions that it was me, but before I could get my boss to understand this I had to listen to a tirade of being shouted at and called several names and it was really really nasty. I was firm- I spoke loudly but did not shout or yell or match his volume- and I tried to explain it was not me who was in charge of the lost items and that it was the other colleague with the same (incredibly common!) first name. He yelled, swore, called me names, said some extremely nasty things about my character and I admit I was annoyed at the unfairness and how hurt I felt but I kept my cool. He wouldn’t listen that it wasn’t me so eventually I gave up convincing him and got fed up of being spoken to so badly and I said I was not prepared to be spoken to or treated like this and that I was not continuing the conversation anymore as I didn’t line the tone and it was now a hurtful personal attack/tirade.

honestly, I didn’t shout, yell, swear, say anything nasty- he did all of the above to me- but I bloody well stood up for myself because it wasn’t my error and I was disgusted at how he treated me. I ended up making a formal complaint and received an official apology for it. His excuse was he was stressed about his personal life and saw red when I told him not to speak to me like that and I stood up for myself

other people have heard what happened and have formed their own opinions. But now I’ve got a reputation of being cheeky, aggressive, catty, snappy and sharp. I know I sound biased but I honestly was none of the above- all I wanted to do was sob and it took everything in me not to. He was aggressive and extremely nasty to me, but honestly, I was not back to him. I just tried to be assertive and to remain professional whilst breaking down inside as I despise confrontation.

maybe I’m making this a feminist issue incorrectly but I don’t think a man would have come out of this and have people think he is aggressive or catty. He would have been called assertive and strong etc. or maybe not and I’m wrong about it all, but I received an apology from him and had to stand and be sworn, shouted at and be called extremely nasty things but somehow I’m now seen as being bad for standing up for myself (everyone has been talking and saying I shouldn’t have and that I need to learn to keep my mouth shut, but surely it’s better to stand up for yourself? Yet ironically everyone thinks he is great because he made a mistake and apologised for it- he’s come out of much better than I have.

Should I have just let him say his piece and kept my mouth shut? I’m still finding my feet with workplace problems but I tried to follow my mums advice to be assertive and strong but now everyone thinks badly of me, I know other people’s opinions are none of my business but it’s hurtful to think my reputation is aggressive and catty and hot headed over this incident

any thoughts/ advice would be most welcomed (even if it’s that I was in the wrong!)

Whatever you did, people would have gossiped about it and drawn their own conclusions. Would it be better to have a reputation as a walkover? Or someone who bursts into tears when yelled at for something that wasn't even your fault?

You are right though, where men are called assertive, women are called aggressive.

He sounds like a terrible manager and your workplace sounds pretty awful, so probably whatever you had done would have had colleagues saying nasty things about you.
I would say, in an unsupportive workplace, keep your head down and say as little as you can. But I'm probably a walkover! I think your assertiveness and strength is something you should be proud of, and a tribute to your mum.
All the best, and I hope things work out so you're in a more supportive work environment soon.

When I was 18 I was hauled into the manager’s office and told off for something I didn’t do. It was horrible, so I really feel for you. I started looking for another job and moved on shortly after. Is that an option for you?

You sound amazing. I had a similar thing happen when I was your age, but I just stood there and took it. Ignore the gossip, do your job well. Learn all you can and make the most of every opportunity you are given. Once you are ready leave and find something better. X

Other people’s opinions of you are none of your business. By which I mean - you will torment yourself if you go through life worrying about what other people think. You did nothing wrong and the apology confirms that. Know that, and just move on.

Not everyone will like you and that is ok. In work, you are there to do your job - politely and professionally - and progress. If your current job doesn’t allow for that, move on. But don’t tie yourself in knots over what other people think - it’s an impossible game.

How do you know what other people in your workplace think of you? I can't imagine many of them actually saying this to your face. If it is one or two saying other people think this I would take it with a pinch of salt. You received an apology which is proof your manager was in the wrong - I bet you are not the first person he has treated like this either. Hold your head up and just get on with your work and don't worry about what others supposedly think - let your performance speak for itself

I think you need to speak to HR and log a complaint here.
Its harrassment

Also, don’t call yourself “over sensitive”. Women have a reoccurring problem being called sensitive instead of being heard and understood. You’re not being sensitive. What he did to you was wholly unacceptable

Go to HR. Demand an apology and for this managers behaviour to be investigated.

Tbh it might not be all related to this 1 event

sometimes when people describe themselves as assertive and not a pushover they can inadvertently come across as rude

it’s unusual as staff are normally all to ready to throw their manager under the bus and side with staff

You aren't ever going to change your boss but you can change your reaction to his outburst. Either it was a "red mist descending" moment that he now realises should never have happened and he's amended his bad ways, or he's like that as a person and he still flips his lid over anything that doesn't go his way.

i can't imagine working for a manager who cannot control their temper, so I wouldn't be working there, I'd have resigned the next day. It's like an abusive relationship, if someone wrongs me like that, I get the hell out and they'd never have the chance to do it to me ever again.

if I were you I'd start looking elsewhere, no job is worth that. Lesson in resilience, don't fall into the trap of worrying about others' opinion of you, therein madness lies,

This bullshit is why feminism was invented.

You’re not in the wrong, he is, but we still live in a patriarchal society so you’ll be sure to be put down by a range of people who secretly wish they were brave enough to stand up for themselves the way you did.

Just ignore them and go on being yourself. Over time people will get used to the crazy idea that you can be nice and also hard to push around.

That'd be enough for me to resign, what an awful manager.

I'd look for a new job, but when they ask you the reason for leaving this one don't mention this (just say something generic!).

OP it’s not you it’s them. It’s very much not fair but nor i’m afraid is it surprising.

It will die down and eventually people will form a more rounded opinion of you but I wouldn’t blame you if this was the catalyst for you looking at jobs elsewhere

You handed an awful situation very well & should be proud of yourself. I agree it sounds like a toxic workplace though & you should move on & not stay there.

Good for you for standing up for yourself.

If your colleagues think he's great for apologising then they know he was in the wrong or they would be complaining about the injustice of him having to apologise.

You knew his behaviour was unprofessional and you took steps to address it. Lots of people would have tolerated his behaviour so of course they think you should have said nothing. Would you rather be talked about for standing up for yourself or approved of for being a doormat?

Work is the place you go to to make a living, not friends. Rise above the gossip, continue to be professional and ignore those who would like to undermine your confidence. True confidence isn't dependent on the approval of others so stop looking for it.

Treat this an opportunity to learn something. Your manager gave you a great example of how not to manage, how would you have dealt with it in his shoes? Even if we think we handled a situation well we often find, after a little reflection, that we can refine our approach to things, what would you do differently if a similar situation arises in the future?

Sorry that happened OP. I can’t imagine any management behaving that way at my workplace, no way would they get away with it.

It does seem toxic and sexist culture where you, especially that people are now blaming you. Do you think if it had been a female manager people would be saying the same, as it sounds like she’d be labelled hysterical and everyone would stick by you.

Look elsewhere.

If you were my daughter I’d be very proud of you. Keep doing what you’re doing, so long as you remain professional you’ll do well. Try to ignore the gossips and remember that there will be staff members who don’t think badly of you who aren’t as vocal.

No you were not in the wrong. You showed more professionalism than your manager for sure. Don’t let these people bring you down. Take the opportunities that you’ve been given from this company, capitalise on it and look elsewhere for a place, where this sort of behaviour wouldn’t happen and you’re valued.

Some of this chatter could be people jealous that you have such a good job at a young age, others jealous you stood up for yourself and are justifying not doing so themselves by berating you and others just darn right misogynistic, including women, who’ve bought into the patriarchy.

Do your job, look after your mental health and when possible get out.

I think you handled it brilliantly and you should be proud of yourself. I wish I had those skills now, let alone at 20! I've had a few unpleasant run ins with "managers" at work and have been like a rabbit in the headlights mostly. Well done you.

I had a colleague who was as you sound. She was assertive, had clear boundaries. She didn't take or give crap. There were a few negative comments (there always are). But these were mainly because the people who wanted to push her boundaries didn't succeed.

You handled this well.

Well done for your professionalism.

Unfortunately your work place does sound toxic. There are lots of places were this kind of culture developes and becomes the norm. Unless someone comes in at a top level and starts changing it it will always be the same, people join the work force and fall in line with it.

I've been in similar workplaces, and have done the same as you, the lessons I learnt was walk away. From now on, head down until you find another job and leave ASAP. The times I didn't leave and tried to ride it out it always ended badly as the culture never changed but I certainly wasn't going to change and become part of the toxic culture either which caused friction.

You on your own cannot change your work place culture, not unless you have the time and mental strength and energy to take this all the way through, usually right up to ACAS and beyond, and believe me it is an exhausting process with many hoops to jump through. All the while being branded a trouble maker.

You cannot control what others think of you. Just keep on keeping on.

The reputation probably comes from reporting, not from what you said or didn't say, initially. It could be that on the whole he is a well liked manager who had a temporary blip so people are seeing the bigger picture and are supportive of him for it.

That isn't to say that he acted appropriately, or that you were wrong to report.

It may be that people are misinterpreting your assertiveness etc or that it doesn't come across in the way that you intend, and that some of the reputation isn't actually linked to this event.

Either way, it comes back to not being able to control what others think of you.

Bloody good for you.

I presume the reaction of your colleagues is down to misogyny and jealousy of your ladyballs because they wouldn’t have handled the situation as well.

You've done instinctively here what it takes many many other women years of experience and a lot of courses to learn, well done you!
Boundary setting is hard, and one thing I certainly never thought about when learning to set them is that people might actually push them, or ignore them, or judge me for them, I naively thought as soon as I outlined what I'd tolerate and what I wouldn't, that people would just accept it. With time I've realised that's exactly why I needed to draw the boundary in the first place!

Honestly, as a woman, being thought of as a bit of a hard nut is not entirely a bad thing. If you want to stay at this company, then do so, make sure your work is consistently good and let people gossip, they'll soon see your manager blow up at someone else and that'll start to form his reputation.
If you don't see a future at this company, keep your head high and start looking elsewhere - you're young, you've got experience now, and moving to a new job is often a better way to negotiate a higher salary than waiting on annual reviews, so use your twenties to move up the ladder.

But either way, don't change or even worry about who you are based on petty gossip around the office. You've got this!!

You are wrong - a man wouldn't be called assertive in this situation because if you were a man, there would be no situation because your boss wouldn't have treated you like crap in the first place!

If you got a new job, would you ever see these people again? Probably not, so why worry about their opinions?

Hold your head high. Continue to act professionally and don't concern yourself with whether or not people at work like you.

Assertive women do sometimes get labelled whereas assertive men do not. Better than being walked all over.

In the past women were expected to take the abuse, cry and get a morsel of sympathy after. These days women stand up for themselves. Well done on staying calm. Don’t rise to the bait now either.