Please read.. was I in the wrong here?

[fullofregrets4]

I just be being a bit over sensitive but I’m slightly upset by it all and just thought I would post here to get other opinions on it

I’m only 20 but I have a good full time job. my mum was a single parent and I have been raised by a family of very strong and inspirational women. I was always taught to be respectful and polite to everyone but to never let people walk over you, know your worth and stand up for what you believe in even if it means you are on your own. Ok I’m harping on a bit now, I’m sure you all know what I mean :)

I had an unpleasant situation at work around 2 months ago. my boss behaved incredibly unprofessionally to me over a very minor mistake after some paperwork couldn’t be found but was found again 5 minutes later- which wasn’t even my mistake it was a different staff member with the exact same first name as me, and my boss heard the name and jumped to conclusions that it was me, but before I could get my boss to understand this I had to listen to a tirade of being shouted at and called several names and it was really really nasty. I was firm- I spoke loudly but did not shout or yell or match his volume- and I tried to explain it was not me who was in charge of the lost items and that it was the other colleague with the same (incredibly common!) first name. He yelled, swore, called me names, said some extremely nasty things about my character and I admit I was annoyed at the unfairness and how hurt I felt but I kept my cool. He wouldn’t listen that it wasn’t me so eventually I gave up convincing him and got fed up of being spoken to so badly and I said I was not prepared to be spoken to or treated like this and that I was not continuing the conversation anymore as I didn’t line the tone and it was now a hurtful personal attack/tirade.

honestly, I didn’t shout, yell, swear, say anything nasty- he did all of the above to me- but I bloody well stood up for myself because it wasn’t my error and I was disgusted at how he treated me. I ended up making a formal complaint and received an official apology for it. His excuse was he was stressed about his personal life and saw red when I told him not to speak to me like that and I stood up for myself

other people have heard what happened and have formed their own opinions. But now I’ve got a reputation of being cheeky, aggressive, catty, snappy and sharp. I know I sound biased but I honestly was none of the above- all I wanted to do was sob and it took everything in me not to. He was aggressive and extremely nasty to me, but honestly, I was not back to him. I just tried to be assertive and to remain professional whilst breaking down inside as I despise confrontation.

maybe I’m making this a feminist issue incorrectly but I don’t think a man would have come out of this and have people think he is aggressive or catty. He would have been called assertive and strong etc. or maybe not and I’m wrong about it all, but I received an apology from him and had to stand and be sworn, shouted at and be called extremely nasty things but somehow I’m now seen as being bad for standing up for myself (everyone has been talking and saying I shouldn’t have and that I need to learn to keep my mouth shut, but surely it’s better to stand up for yourself? Yet ironically everyone thinks he is great because he made a mistake and apologised for it- he’s come out of much better than I have.

Should I have just let him say his piece and kept my mouth shut? I’m still finding my feet with workplace problems but I tried to follow my mums advice to be assertive and strong but now everyone thinks badly of me, I know other people’s opinions are none of my business but it’s hurtful to think my reputation is aggressive and catty and hot headed over this incident

any thoughts/ advice would be most welcomed (even if it’s that I was in the wrong!)

You acted correctly. He didn’t. He was forced to apologise.
What your mum didn’t drill into you is how hard it is to CONSISTENTLY do the right thing even when faced with disapproval from others.
So… keep your head down now and do your work without paying attention to the inevitable gossip. Stand up for yourself (or others) when forced to ..as you did the first time.
Eventually, if you hold your nerve, you will see that people admire you for doing the right thing. But it takes time.
Well done OP, for standing up against the bully.

God, another shit manager. Do they mass produce them in factories?

All workplaces have their issues, OP, and shitty bullying managers aren't uncommon, but that's particularly egregious. There are responsibilities involved in a position like that. As the younger, junior person, you would have had more of an excuse for acting like a twat, but you didn't.

You can't change these places. You sound professional and smart and far too good for that environment. Start job hunting. There are decent places out there even if they aren't perfect.

YANBU

but you know that already OP.

i agree with PP. Job hunt and go elsewhere

Good for you OP! He should be on a verbal warning for his behaviour. His personal issues do not belong at work.

Everyone else will think twice before trying to get one over on you. Not a bad thing.

@fullofregrets4 you handled a horrible situation really well. At a similar age when my boss shouted and swore at me I told him to f off and walked out!

You behaved with professionalism and maturity. Never stop having strong boundaries and being assertive. I’m retired now, but at work I was always known for standing up for myself when necessary and that’s so much better than being a doormat.

I think you were right to speak up -the only thing you might have done differently is the timing of your interventions. When someone loses their cool and is being irrational there isn't much point in trying to interrupt and correct them. Trying to chip in when they are in mid flow can escalate a situation. This is true of anyone - clients, partners, kids, colleagues. In this case it might have been more effective to let him rant away and when he finished say very quietly "you do know it wasn't me who did this? it was the other X?'

You were quite clearly in the right as his apology proves so I wouldn't worry if people who don't know the full situation are misjudging your character. Just keep your head down, keep doing your work and they will realise their mistake.

If he’s stressed about his personal life it’s my guess that he’s been shouting and swearing at his partner who has had enough of him!

You are young and standing up for yourself, some people can't cope with that, that's their problem not yours. I would be proud to call you my daughter, I have one like you, strong and assertive. She is polite and smiles but takes no bs from anyone.
We need millions of women to say enough is enough.

You absolutely did do the right thing! Well done on being so brave.
Not to sound patronising over your age, but it can take some people many years of being within working environments to get the courage to speak up for themselves and also escalate the matter when they've been treated in an unacceptable way, as it's drummed into us to respect seniority and it can be quite difficult at times to correct someone in a senior position and then go above them.
I would just ignore anyone else at work, some people just love to have reason to gossip!
Take it as a character building experience and just know that you done the right thing, and the alternative if you didn't speak up would you'd potentially be very upset for not doing the right thing by yourself. 😊

You were absolutely right to stand up. Your boss should have had an official warning, that's awful.

Ignore the gossip (and who's telling you this?), and I'd look for another job frankly. You have a toxic boss and you can't fix that.

Sounds like you handled things perfectly.

The only thing I would say, if people are now calling you aggressive, catty etc, are you certain it's all because of this one single incident?

Is it possible you generally have an air of 'don't mess with me' or have had other assertive conversations - maybe after making a mistake at work, because we all do sometimes? So when people heard about this manager run-in, they assumed (incorrectly) that you were partly to blame or made things worse somehow, because of incidents in the past?

Not at all saying it's bad to be assertive, it isn't - but if people already see you as a certain sort of person, they might make assumptions that aren't true or fair.

Either way, it's time to look for a new workplace. You don't have to put up with a manager screaming personal insults at you - that is 100% not acceptable.

This! Every time. This is a feminist issue and you are a brilliant and strong woman. I can imagine how formidable you're gonna be in life and how much you will achieve. Ignore this dick, you are awesome my woman, not over sensitive and not cheeky just a strong standing up for herself. Well done!

Saying that he has personal stresses is just a shit excuse from a pathetic man who believes it is acceptable to shout and swear at young women and thinks they will feel intimidated by him.
Sounds like he isn’t used to having staff stand up to him. Well done, You did so well to stand your ground, if you were my dd I would be so proud of you. I am teaching my 15 year old dd to stand up for herself. When I was your age I would have taking the verbal abuse and come home and bawled my eyes out but I’ve become bolder as I’ve aged. As others have said, I’d be looking for another job, you don’t want to waste your precious young years working in a toxic environment like that.

This says more about your work colleagues than you. Maybe they thought “ man boss rules” and everyone should just take his abuse. You rightly stood up for yourself. He was totally unprofessional, you weren’t. Ignore and move on.

And why is it when a man stands up for himself he is strong and bold and yet when a woman does the same she’s a bitch?

You did nothing wrong. You sound brilliant. Just please, please don't feel like you have to regain a reputation for being a cowering people pleaser. I'd maybe powerfully, with just a tiny edge of lightheartedness, own the best aspects of your reputation and immediately knock back the wrong ones.

Yes, I speak up if someone wrongly accuses me in a rant of abuse. That's a good thing. End of discussion.

No I am not catty, snappy or a bitch. End of discussion.

If you don't seem to care how they see you and you seem to have total confidence in your right to stand up for yourself in that sort of situation, over time they will either lose interest or admire you.

good for you op-wis i had that confidence

whois telling you all these so called rumours though

You did the right thing in making an official complaint. His behaviour was absolutely not acceptable. If he tries it again complain again. Eventually if he makes a habit of it he will get an official warning. I feel sorry for his poor wife who probably gets similar. He just thought he would take his temper out on you but he picked the wrong person to bully.

Could he possibly be bitching about you to cover up for his appalling behaviour and because he resents being forced to complain?

I'm always shocked by how many people are prepared to tolerate managers who have zero self control and use swearing and shouting to intimidate people who are required to listen to them. You handled a chappy situation very well.

Normalising respectful interactions at work needs to be a thing.

*crappy not chappy!

Why does this read like it was written by a 55 year old

This.

I am so sad that things haven't changed from 30 years ago when I was in a similar situation to you. Funnily enough I am now known as a manager who takes no bullshit, is clear about what I expect from other people and what I am willing to do, and delivers. People ask to join my team and work with me.

But you do sound brilliant, Op.

I am 74 and very well recall an incident with a horrible boss. I worked in a large organisation and he was the top man, despised by everyone. I was 20. It was in the days of taking shorthand and when called into his office beside the general office I took my shorthand jotter with me. I was and still am a very calm person who rarely loses my temper.

He accused me of something wrongly and when I denied it he wouldn't listen. it was one of the few times I lost my temper at the unfairness of it. I threw my shorthand jotter at him and it bounced off the wall behind him, thankfully missing him. I couldn't believe what I'd done and turned and went back to the adjoining office where my colleagues were all silent and agog wondering what had happened having heard raised voices. Unheard of to challenge this dictator.
That's it, I thought. I'll be dismissed. Incredibly, it was never mentioned by him. There was no comeback.
I was proud of myself for not accepting his tirade, tho not perhaps the best way of handling it, and I was fortunate there was no negative outtcome.
Eventually I moved on and he gave me a reference.