Please read.. was I in the wrong here?

[fullofregrets4]

I just be being a bit over sensitive but I’m slightly upset by it all and just thought I would post here to get other opinions on it

I’m only 20 but I have a good full time job. my mum was a single parent and I have been raised by a family of very strong and inspirational women. I was always taught to be respectful and polite to everyone but to never let people walk over you, know your worth and stand up for what you believe in even if it means you are on your own. Ok I’m harping on a bit now, I’m sure you all know what I mean :)

I had an unpleasant situation at work around 2 months ago. my boss behaved incredibly unprofessionally to me over a very minor mistake after some paperwork couldn’t be found but was found again 5 minutes later- which wasn’t even my mistake it was a different staff member with the exact same first name as me, and my boss heard the name and jumped to conclusions that it was me, but before I could get my boss to understand this I had to listen to a tirade of being shouted at and called several names and it was really really nasty. I was firm- I spoke loudly but did not shout or yell or match his volume- and I tried to explain it was not me who was in charge of the lost items and that it was the other colleague with the same (incredibly common!) first name. He yelled, swore, called me names, said some extremely nasty things about my character and I admit I was annoyed at the unfairness and how hurt I felt but I kept my cool. He wouldn’t listen that it wasn’t me so eventually I gave up convincing him and got fed up of being spoken to so badly and I said I was not prepared to be spoken to or treated like this and that I was not continuing the conversation anymore as I didn’t line the tone and it was now a hurtful personal attack/tirade.

honestly, I didn’t shout, yell, swear, say anything nasty- he did all of the above to me- but I bloody well stood up for myself because it wasn’t my error and I was disgusted at how he treated me. I ended up making a formal complaint and received an official apology for it. His excuse was he was stressed about his personal life and saw red when I told him not to speak to me like that and I stood up for myself

other people have heard what happened and have formed their own opinions. But now I’ve got a reputation of being cheeky, aggressive, catty, snappy and sharp. I know I sound biased but I honestly was none of the above- all I wanted to do was sob and it took everything in me not to. He was aggressive and extremely nasty to me, but honestly, I was not back to him. I just tried to be assertive and to remain professional whilst breaking down inside as I despise confrontation.

maybe I’m making this a feminist issue incorrectly but I don’t think a man would have come out of this and have people think he is aggressive or catty. He would have been called assertive and strong etc. or maybe not and I’m wrong about it all, but I received an apology from him and had to stand and be sworn, shouted at and be called extremely nasty things but somehow I’m now seen as being bad for standing up for myself (everyone has been talking and saying I shouldn’t have and that I need to learn to keep my mouth shut, but surely it’s better to stand up for yourself? Yet ironically everyone thinks he is great because he made a mistake and apologised for it- he’s come out of much better than I have.

Should I have just let him say his piece and kept my mouth shut? I’m still finding my feet with workplace problems but I tried to follow my mums advice to be assertive and strong but now everyone thinks badly of me, I know other people’s opinions are none of my business but it’s hurtful to think my reputation is aggressive and catty and hot headed over this incident

any thoughts/ advice would be most welcomed (even if it’s that I was in the wrong!)

You weren't wrong - well done, it sounds like you handled it perfectly.

Ignore the comments. One of the downsides of the workplace is that it can be very gossipy. It really does fit the old adage about a rumour having gone round the world twice, before the truth has got out of bed!

The best way to deal with it is to ignore it. Some of the comments will be from people who like to stir. Other comments will be from people who are envious of the fact that you can stand up for yourself politely and professionally (they've probably had a strip torn off them in the past).

Carry on as you are - be polite, friendly and professional. The gossip will die down - I promise it will. And as people work with you more they will realise the truth and your reputation will be stronger for it.

PS important work lesson number one - don't worry about what people think of you as people will always find something to gossip about. Workplace friendships can be very intense but they often die off as soon as you move on. A bit of professional distance is not a bad thing.

I have always been known as being someone who takes no shit (in a professional manner of course) everywhere I have worked.
It didn’t always make me the most popular person there but I didn’t give a shit as I was being judged as a woman not a person.
If you have to choose between being liked or respected go for the latter every time
You did nothing wrong and if you were my DD I would be very proud

I’d be applauding you, we’ll done for standing up for yourself, his behaviour was complete unacceptable and you did nothing wrong

"Assertive" is rarely the word applied to women. But you acted correctly and he was in the wrong. I have never been a doormat (and I am 65) but it sometimes doesn't win you friends. My take on that is that I don't want friends who think I should be a doormat!

He sounds like a prick. But I don't see how any of us can comment on whether you were right or not because we didn't hear the conversation. Obviously it's right to stand up for yourself, but how do we know if you done just that or if you went too far and came across rude? We have no way of knowing unfortunately.

It's not a bad thing that people know not to try and trample you at work. You did good.

Who is even whispering in your ear now about what "everyone" thinks? They are probably full of shit. People are all different and there is probably a range of opinions about you, him and his outburst.

I wish I had had your confidence and assertiveness at age 20, well done! Let people gossip, they'll soon move on.

Beware the 'everyone thinks' narrative. It's rarely true. You handled a bad situation assertively.

I think probably people are surprised at a young woman standing up for themselves and not taking this guy's bullshit. If he's done this with you you can almost guarantee he's done it with other people. And maybe those people weren't as brave as you so now they're projecting and calling you aggressive when probably they're just feeling a bit shit that they didn't stick up for themselves.

Even if it was you that had made the mistake, there is never an excuse for treating an employee like that. Your work environment sounds toxic. If you can, try and find a new job.

Where are you getting the information that "everyone thinks" you are catty? I'd be a bit wary of who is delivering this information! You handled it just right. It's be amazed if people were judging you more than a man who can't control his temper in the workplace, resorts to personal attacks and won't listen to (politely presented) reason. I note he only apologised in response to a formal complaint, not willingly! I would have thought you totally awesome. Having said that I think there are people, including other women, who take offence at a young woman who asserts herself rather than simpering coyly. I've seen some nasty attitudes to two different young female colleagues over the years who were assertive but perfectly reasonable. There was a bit of "who does that bitch think she is?". (They were also both quite pretty which seemed to get some people extra riled, bizarrely.) But they've both done very well in their lives/careers. There are no workplace medals for pushovers! I'm 49 and I've found my 40s so liberating because I suddenly stopped caring about what people thought of me. If you possibly can, thicken your skin and stop caring so much. You know you did the right thing and that's all that really matters. Your mum sounds awesome too!

Let me guess that the people who are saying you were aggressive and catty are all men. Better to be known as someone one who stands their ground than to be known as an ass licker/brown noser imo and I would be pointing that out loudly!

other people have heard what happened and have formed their own opinions. But now I’ve got a reputation of being cheeky, aggressive, catty, snappy and sharp.

When I was younger I really worried about what people thought of me and tried much too hard to be nice to everyone, and would go into the toilets and cry if someone at work spoke sharply to me.

Honestly, you are doing great. You stood up for yourself and were calm and professional - unlike your boss. If you develop a reputation as taking no prisoners this is a good thing and far better than being a pushover.

Once I realised that people treated me better at work when I became more assertive I did just that, gained confidence and felt much happier.

Catty made me laugh, what a lot of shite. Don’t second-guess yourself, what’s done is done and you are who you are. You handled an unprofessional situation correctly, as is evidenced by the fact he was made to apologise.

I didn’t have your strong mum, sadly, but a colleague I respected once said to me ‘better to be known in this job as a bad bastard than a silly bastard’ - obviously old-fashioned hyper-masculine terminology but wisdom for the ages. My job has a lot of total piss-rippers and bullies. Can be quite toxic, lots of nervous breakdowns and MH issues. I hope your industry isn’t like that generally. If it is, so much the better that your inherent instincts are as they are.

We all know this wouldn’t have happened to another would-be silverback. If the toddler-in-charge didn’t want his head handed to him by management he should have kept control of himself shouldn’t he? I had another boss who used to launch files into our (all female) office in fits of rage. We all used to fantasise about throwing them back at him😂

Also take ‘people think this’ with a big pinch of salt. Some of this alleged chat could be deliberately whispered in your ear just to see what you do, and also might be (in my experience) cos you’re both young and female and it’s a bit unusual to hold a firm line on workplace misbehaviour at this age. Wish I had been more like you, would have saved a lot of sleepless nights. Don’t agonise, move on and be proud.

Please don't change.

Ever.

Well done, you handled it very well and I have done exactly the same in your situation, including putting in the complaint. But I was much older and wouldn't have had the confidence at your age

The people calling you cheeky and catty have become acclimitised to that environment, make sure you never do, even if that means leaving.

Your strong boundaries, assertiveness and professionalism will be well rewarded in the long term

Having a reputation for being an aggressive (i.e. assertive) woman is not a bad thing at work OP. Better than being a pushover or a crier. Give it a few months and it will morph into respect and people thinking you get things done, I guarantee it. Grit your teeth through this bit, that's yeah the battle of being an assertive woman at work. Yes it's annoying men don't have to deal with this bit but do not be tempted to apologise for what was totally reasonable, grown up behaviour.

Go you for standing up for yourself op. I would of done the same. Shove his personal life everyone has things going on it doesn't give people the right to treat other like crap.

It sounds like you reacted incredibly well. You handled it perfectly, but still you are being judged.

Life as a woman can feel very demoralizing. I’m not going to go into details, but it took me years to begin to assert myself, but even when I do, there are times when I feel I have been punished for it. I do really feel that sometimes we can’t win.

As others have said though, maybe moving to another workplace would help. Some situations cannot be avoided, but there are some that can. Good luck, whatever you decide.

Well done. You handled that really, really well. I’m so impressed.

If people heard it all they would have probably been on your side tbh.

I don’t think anything really bad from colleagues will come out of this. There will always be petty bitchy idiots but they are a minority and will always be looking for something new to bitch about so don’t worry, any gossip will soon pass.

The guy shouted and swore so they whole place would probably have had their mouths opened and been disgusted at his unprofessionalism.

Good for you for standing up for yourself.

He might be looking for a new job himself now! You could always do so if you felt that the atmosphere has changed over coming weeks.

You have more job security in any job after you’ve been in the place for two years or more. If you’re near that or over it I’d stay. If not I might be tempted to consider my options.

You might even have a claim for constructive dismissal. ie you can no longer work there due to the incident so they owe you compensation for loss of wages if you leave. I don’t know the ins and outs and I could be talking rubbish, but just mentioning in passing.

Od the place usually ok? Is the pay and t&c’s good and suit your life? How common are jobs like that in the area?

How do you know people are saying these negative things? I’m betting you have a “friend” telling you this crap and that most people in your office know he’s at fault and you handled it professionally.

You weren't in the wrong, and well done for standing up for yourself. Your boss is an arsehole and your colleagues don't sound much better tbh. Time to look for another job?

You have behaved appropriately and professionally in a way I didn't have the courage to do when I had a similar situation. I was being shouted at so that the whole office could hear but I stood there and took it because I was embarrassed at the shouting, but it was my dickhead boss who should've been embarrassed for not taking me aside and asking me privately.
Keep on being you! The workplace is like a shark pit sometimes.

Life lesson. You did what you thought best, abs I’m sure you have some learnings from it.

try not to dwell on it, it’s a few months ago now. Move on.

it does sound like a pretty toxic atmosphere at your workplace however, so maybe start and look at other jobs out there. Don’t move for any old role though, make sure it’s either a step up/better money/more reputable company at the very least

I promise you this gets better as you get older. If you were mid 30s and had asserted yourself that way some would have thought you were those things but way more people would have been impressed. It's cultural in my experience - British people do not like strong young women.

Well done standing up for yourself, don't lose that strength you'll be grateful of it when you're my age!