Please read.. was I in the wrong here?

[fullofregrets4]

I just be being a bit over sensitive but I’m slightly upset by it all and just thought I would post here to get other opinions on it

I’m only 20 but I have a good full time job. my mum was a single parent and I have been raised by a family of very strong and inspirational women. I was always taught to be respectful and polite to everyone but to never let people walk over you, know your worth and stand up for what you believe in even if it means you are on your own. Ok I’m harping on a bit now, I’m sure you all know what I mean :)

I had an unpleasant situation at work around 2 months ago. my boss behaved incredibly unprofessionally to me over a very minor mistake after some paperwork couldn’t be found but was found again 5 minutes later- which wasn’t even my mistake it was a different staff member with the exact same first name as me, and my boss heard the name and jumped to conclusions that it was me, but before I could get my boss to understand this I had to listen to a tirade of being shouted at and called several names and it was really really nasty. I was firm- I spoke loudly but did not shout or yell or match his volume- and I tried to explain it was not me who was in charge of the lost items and that it was the other colleague with the same (incredibly common!) first name. He yelled, swore, called me names, said some extremely nasty things about my character and I admit I was annoyed at the unfairness and how hurt I felt but I kept my cool. He wouldn’t listen that it wasn’t me so eventually I gave up convincing him and got fed up of being spoken to so badly and I said I was not prepared to be spoken to or treated like this and that I was not continuing the conversation anymore as I didn’t line the tone and it was now a hurtful personal attack/tirade.

honestly, I didn’t shout, yell, swear, say anything nasty- he did all of the above to me- but I bloody well stood up for myself because it wasn’t my error and I was disgusted at how he treated me. I ended up making a formal complaint and received an official apology for it. His excuse was he was stressed about his personal life and saw red when I told him not to speak to me like that and I stood up for myself

other people have heard what happened and have formed their own opinions. But now I’ve got a reputation of being cheeky, aggressive, catty, snappy and sharp. I know I sound biased but I honestly was none of the above- all I wanted to do was sob and it took everything in me not to. He was aggressive and extremely nasty to me, but honestly, I was not back to him. I just tried to be assertive and to remain professional whilst breaking down inside as I despise confrontation.

maybe I’m making this a feminist issue incorrectly but I don’t think a man would have come out of this and have people think he is aggressive or catty. He would have been called assertive and strong etc. or maybe not and I’m wrong about it all, but I received an apology from him and had to stand and be sworn, shouted at and be called extremely nasty things but somehow I’m now seen as being bad for standing up for myself (everyone has been talking and saying I shouldn’t have and that I need to learn to keep my mouth shut, but surely it’s better to stand up for yourself? Yet ironically everyone thinks he is great because he made a mistake and apologised for it- he’s come out of much better than I have.

Should I have just let him say his piece and kept my mouth shut? I’m still finding my feet with workplace problems but I tried to follow my mums advice to be assertive and strong but now everyone thinks badly of me, I know other people’s opinions are none of my business but it’s hurtful to think my reputation is aggressive and catty and hot headed over this incident

any thoughts/ advice would be most welcomed (even if it’s that I was in the wrong!)

You say he has come out of it better because he admitted he made a mistake? In which case you shouldn't have a bad reputation. Well done for sticking up for yourself, I'm totally TeamYou x

Good for you. So many over-promoted men out there who aren't up to their jobs and deal with this by shouting at their subordinates.

now I’ve got a reputation of being cheeky, aggressive, catty, snappy and sharp

everyone has been talking and saying I shouldn’t have and that I need to learn to keep my mouth shut

everyone thinks he is great because he made a mistake and apologised for it- he’s come out of much better than I have

How do you know the above? Be very careful with the person who is telling you this - I bet it's not true, or alternatively you've got just one brown-nosing shit-stirrer who is saying it to suck up to bullying boss and no one else agrees with them but can't be bothered or isn't brave enough to argue back, defending you.

I'm sure the boss has done it to others before and they're just relieved it's directed at you this time - I doubt anyone thinks you were in the wrong. I'm sure a lot of them wish they'd been as brave and quick thinking as you in the moment.

You were absolutely right. Well done for handling it as well as you did and for taking it further.

Enjoy being part of getting attitudes changed. Nothing improves without brave, confident and reasonable challenges to the old, sexist ways of doing things.

Your colleagues will learn. 😁

You handled the situation well. One thing I have learned is that if you had kept your mouth shut, he'd have done it again at some point. He now knows he can't treat you like crap as you will formally raise it.

It is hard but it does not matter what others would have said or done, they are not you. Keep being polite, professional and doing your job well and people will learn what you are really like and not listen to gossip / rumours.

Sometimes people make you choose between being dislikeable and being a walkover. It says everything about them and nothing about you that those are the only ways they're willing to see you. Choose dislikeable.

Agreed.

You handled yourself very well.

Be very very wary of anyone who tells you that you are viewed negatively as a result of this.

It sounds as if he was very aggressive and threatening in his manner?

Name calling is highly abusive.

He's very lucky you haven't chosen to report him to the police.

His personal problems excuse is bullshit.

If you feel uncomfortable working there you would likely have grounds for constructive dismissal.

Is he still your boss?

If so that is dreadful.

Of course you've done nothing wrong, but unless I've misread your OP, you haven't explained why you are sure people have a opinion of you or why you feel you now have a bad reputation? What has happened to make you think this?

At the end of the day, character and conduct win out over reputation. As you're clearly a nice and professional person, the one off incident will fade away over time, people who work with you will know what you are like, you honestly don't need to worry. I understand though, when I started my first office job at 19 I was very worried about what people might think of me.

By the time I started my next office job 5 years later, I had to very early on have a polite conversation with a manager who had behaved in my opinion unfairly toward me and it was all sorted. Perhaps he thinks badly of me now but we ended the convo on good terms and I frankly couldn't care less, as if me nicely and politely standing up for myself is the kind of thing that would make someone feel badly toward me, I wouldn't want to be close with that person anyway if you see what I mean?

You haven’t got that reputation because of this one incident. If the incident played out the way you say, there is no way that your colleagues wouldn’t be punching the air that you put this twat in his place, regardless of age or gender.

Sod them! The only things I have regretted in a workplace was not standing up for myself. On at least 4 occasions I should have just said that I will not be spoken to like this and walked out. The one time when I did raise my voice slightly at my line manager (bullying awful woman) she became a little better for a little while.

You are still very young. Find another job and ignore them!

You're assuming she has wise, well-meaning colleagues. Some people are deferential sheep who are disgusted by any behaviour towards management that isn't forelock-tugging.

If someone is talking to you in an aggressive, hectoring tone and calling you names, it is perfectly reasonable to ask them not to talk to you like that, and to refuse to engage with them until they change their tone.

FWIW where I work if a male boss swore at a female member of staff (I mean directly at her, rather than swearing about the situation), he would be dismissed on the spot.

I used to be the exact same.

People learn who they can and who they can’t walk over. If they sense weakness some people pounce on it.

I remember one of my supervisors at an old job I had. She was awful. Constantly throwing her weight around, palming off her work to others so she could sit and hide in the office on her phone.

One day she comes in, telling me that I need to work quicker and it’s just not good enough. I’d already done the majority of what I had to do for that night with plenty of time to spare for the rest and I’d started early without pay as I got there early (dropped off with my mam who started an hour earlier than me) and didn’t want to sit and wait.

normally I would have stood there, nodded and got upset later. That time I stood up for myself. I corrected her on the amount of work I’d done and when she’d been corrected and saw she was wrong she stormed out and huffed for the rest of the night.

She was really uncomfortable with being put right. Even though I wasn’t rude and she never did it again. I remember my mam trying to get me to apologise and with the supervisor in earshot I just said “nah I don’t think so. She was wrong!”

OP- some workplaces just have this culture where this kind of behaviour is accepted. It’s toxic. I wouldn’t pay no mind to what others think of you. They don’t matter. You stood up for yourself and you know your manager was in the wrong. He knows he was or he wouldn’t have apologised. Women often garner this reputation when they dare to speak up for themselves.

Well done for standing up for yourself and remaining professional and not stooping to his level.

I do agree that if a man had done this, he wouldn't be called the same things, but probably other, equally awful things.

People like to gossip, your manager gave them something to gossip about. I suspect they are saying things about him too, but you're not hearing it or only concentrating on things related to you.

Better to be know as someone who won't take any shit than a walk over. You said in your op that your family taught you to stand up for yourself even if you stand alone - this is one of those times. Head held high!

But now I’ve got a reputation of being cheeky, aggressive, catty, snappy and sharp.

Who is actually telling you this?

Well done 💪🏼

Stay assertive and keep on sticking up for yourself. He knew he was in the wrong and was just shocked at being held to account.

Let the gossips say whatever, they’ll get bored. Start planning your next move career wise.

Well done for standing up for yourself and maintaining calm dignity. Obviously he was in the wrong and it doesn't sound like this is a healthy environment to be in if other colleagues aren't supporting you. To repeat what has been said above, learn what you can from the job quickly and then move on. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect.

I was treated horrendously in my first job at 20, I still feel it now 2 decades later.

I wish I’d stuck up for myself so good for you.
It sounds like a toxic workplace to me so get out of it what you need but move on.

In toxic workplaces (and, make no mistake, yours is toxic for this to have happened to begin with) often women can be either

• aggressive, rude, bitchy, catty, or
• pushover, weak, timid

in the eyes of others.

I'd much rather be seen as a catty aggressive bitch than whatever people would have thought of me if I'd stood there and shut up and allowed a grown adult to yell and scream at me.

In the long run this will improve your reputation if you stay there OP. You were in an awful position and could so easily have burst into tears or just taken it, but you didn't, and you held him to account. I guarantee there'll be people who respect that but feel embarrassed that they couldn't have brought themselves to do the same, hence casting you in this light to cope.

You are absolutely right this is a feminist issue and I wish I could go through your post and remove every 'maybe I'm wrong but' and 'perhaps I'm making too much of it this but'. Own your opinions! You sound amazing. He wouldn't have done it to a six foot burly bloke who could have laid him out. He took it out on you because he thought you were the easiest target, and he won't do that again.

Hold your head high, maybe look for a more healthy and sane place to work, and own your power. You sound amazing and very mature and strong for twenty.

I'm proud of you and I don't even know you.

This is pretty much how I was treated in my 20s in every temping job I had to do until I got a permanent job, and even then the manager described me as quiet and volatile as I would often push back when he was being a twat or unfair. One of the things that really got my goat was that the boys I worked with were allowed, even encouraged, to speak up but even if I used the same wording and tone I was apparently a snippy little miss...

As I've got older I've had to find more subtle ways to deal with idiot bosses. It isn't fair but there is definitely one rule for men and another for women in many workplaces.

It sounds like a toxic situation where the manager bullies out anyone who might stand up to them, and the flying monkeys support the manager.

The thing women often fail to understand is that the world is absolutely loaded against them from the start.

And we have so much internalised misogyny ourselves that we are partially blind to it.

So one half think that the other half get what they deserve because they’re soft, compliant doormats, and the others think the first lot cause their own problems by being bolshy or bitchy and not playing the system right.

But it’s never about what we do or don’t do. It’s rigged from the start. All you can do is koko. And try not to be broken along the way.

I had something like this happen to me when I was sixteen,it was my first job and the manager thought he could push me around because I was young and inexperienced.I was polite but firm when I told him that I wasn't there to be screamed at by him or anyone else.
He threatened to report me to the area manager and I told him that was fine because I had a few things to report to him myself.

You did the right thing. Providing you don’t swear, show aggression or raise your voice you should always stand up for yourself. I doubt people think too highly of your boss either. If it comes up again in conversation with your colleagues, I would reiterate your whole point ’you refuse to be spoken to like that’. People will see you as strong, not a bitch.

I watched an incident unfold recently whereby someone who was in the right, ended up coming out of the scenario looking worse than the person in the wrong because they called them a f’ing c word at the top of their voice in front of so many people, including children. They instantly lost any support.

who is saying these things about you and who is repeating them? If you are not the person they say you are, then it will show over time.

well done on standing up for yourself though. I am raising my daughter to do so, and it's hard when she stands up to me sometimes but she is doing the right thing.

I have told her to be firm and assertive but not rude, for example when teachers won't let her speak or explain something .

Your boss was well out of order, especially if he was making personal comments and he should have been given a written warning for that.