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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask exh for financial help over the summer

135 replies

fortygin · 25/06/2023 22:22

My exh and I have been separated for 6 years. We have 4 dc ranging from 18 to 12, all still at school.
rough breakup over his infidelity but generally bumble along ok. Both in new relationships but not living with them.
He had all 4 dc three nights a week for the first three years after the break up but the eldest two had some issues with his anger/attitude and now only go once a week. (18 year old is autistic and that’s their routine, weird as it is).
He has never paid maintenance as he said he does 50/50 parenting (I do all the day to day admin for the d/c and school runs etc) and the two oldest are welcome at his so it’s not his fault I have them more.
I have asked him for £10 per week over the summer to help pay for snacks etc for the dc due to the high cost of food and electricity, as they will spend most of the time off school at mine.
He said I had two options.

  1. make the two eldest go to his three night a week again over the summer and he would provide food there, or
  2. suck it up and stretch my own budget. aibu to after 6 file a claim with cms for maintenance?! I should clarify, he is not speaking to me because I am trying to sort out a college place for the 2nd dc and he said he feels excluded because they don’t speak to him about it. I called discuss it, he got angry and hung up.
OP posts:
Brefugee · 04/07/2023 09:39

blimey, OP, he doesn't contribute much at al. Go through CMS. Nobody in the land can force the older ones to go to him at all, let alone a day a week.

Original poster
fortygin · 04/07/2023 09:39

fiftyandfat · 04/07/2023 09:37

You need a better solicitor, advice about getting him off the mortgage and a new netflix account just in your name.
How has he bought a new house? Could he be committing mortgage fraud? You can look up the deeds of his new property and check whose name is on it.

I have always been told it’s a private rental but this year he has replaced all the flooring with very expensive tiles and wood and installed a wood burning fire and surround etc.
His mum does have rental properties so I assume it’s been bought in her name as when he left we had horrendous credit and I took on most of it and paid it off.

OP posts:
fiftyandfat · 04/07/2023 09:43

If she is getting buy to let mortgages she is not allowed to have a family member living in the property, as far as I know. A friend has a couple of btl and they have to do everything by the book, no relatives allowed.

LadyDanburysHat · 04/07/2023 09:44

OP I have reported your post with the texts as you left a street name in there. Hopefully MN will cover for you.

I agree with those that say you need to get the divorce and finances sorted.

roarrfeckingroar · 04/07/2023 10:35

CMS. Now.

nancy2022 · 04/07/2023 10:37

You only get what you are entitled too.

What an absolute nob . You aren't asking for anything for yourself / compensation.

You just want to bring his kids up.

Also that screen shot might end up in the paper x

Zonder · 04/07/2023 13:03

roarrfeckingroar · 04/07/2023 10:35

CMS. Now.

fortygin · 26/06/2023 11:17
Well I’ve submitted a claim this morning.

CMS 8 days ago!

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 04/07/2023 13:18

If you don't push the divorce or at least a financial settlement, he'll be entitled to 50% of the equity in the house, I'm presuming he's waiting for you to pay the mortgage off and then he'll demand a sale so he gets the maximum settlement. He's still entitled to his share even when it's only you that's been paying the mortgage - I've been one exactly the same position. I paid the mortgage for 2 years alone after we split and when we divorced he got 50% of the equity inc all the payments I made solely

Get another solicitor and push the divorce, he can ignore all he wants but eventually a judge will make it happen. He's right, that in this case the only winner is the solicitor, but that's on him refusing to participate. Personally I'd rather spend a fortune in a solicitor then remain married and financially abused by him

Chasingadvice · 04/07/2023 13:27

Op if you 'need followed home so you don't do anything stupid' whilst you are driving- you need to put down mumsnet, forget the paltry amount of money and go see someone for professional help. You shouldn't put that level of stress on other people. Having to physically follow you home from work is ridiculous. Did you have someone follow you around the office too? You know you're acting up.

RandomMess · 04/07/2023 13:29

Divorcing whilst the DC are still children and you provide majority care will help you argue for more than 50% of all joint assets especially he is being suitably accommodated.

You can file for settlement at court etc even if he ignores solicitors letters.

TheFormidableMrsC · 04/07/2023 13:56

OP, you need to get this before the court. He will have zero choice then. You don't need to put up with this shit. I've been there, I know how horrific it is. Get the financials sorted via court and DO NOT ENGAGE with him at all. Let the CMS deal with maintenance. If he's threatening you, go to the police. You have to take control of this now. Enough is enough.

Original poster
fortygin · 05/07/2023 10:20

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone. Wasn’t going to reply again as i didn’t want to be seen to be ‘playing up’ according to one poster.
Yes I am aware I can get a bit dramatic but the person who followed me home was my best friend who I also work with and who had the unfortunate task of having to break the news of his affair 6 years ago as the OW had messaged her asking her to tell me.
She was aware that then I don’t remember driving home and was worried about me.
I didn’t know until after the fact that she had followed me.
So no, I don’t need ‘looked after’ in work but she felt she needed to check I was home safe.

OP posts:
Flopsythebunny · 05/07/2023 10:32

Stay strong Op. He's caused enough misery in your life so don't let him win this one

namechangenacy · 05/07/2023 10:40

Op I have read all your updates .

Fuck this guy, make sure you don't back down re cms he's actually taking the piss.

I hope your doing better 💐

Original poster
fortygin · 05/07/2023 11:22

namechangenacy · 05/07/2023 10:40

Op I have read all your updates .

Fuck this guy, make sure you don't back down re cms he's actually taking the piss.

I hope your doing better 💐

Thank you.
it’s hard to see the wood for the trees.
I’ve received another txt saying that I’m affecting our DCs lives and it’s disgusting how I have gone from requesting £10 pw - £60 pw (using CMS calculator based on a lowball estimate of his wage) - over £100 pw that was on the CMS form (I’ve no idea where this figure came from as cms say they only sent a letter asking him to contact them).
It feel like a pointless exercise since he won’t reply to any texts and just sends rants.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/07/2023 11:43

Please continue to post here for support, it seems clear that he bullies you and you struggle to deal with him.

Block his number so you don't need to read his vile rants.

He is bullshitting away let CMS deal with him. Tell CMS he is still abusive towards you and threatening and bullying you so direct pay is going to be appropriate.

You need to sort out the financial settlement, this is separate to CMS so don't let him make out it isn't.

File for divorce and push through with the finances. Find out the legal steps to take to get it pushed through to court. Such as sending one solicitor letter and having it sent signed for delivery so he can't deny receiving it, ensuring it's word that a non-response is acceptance of xyz.

You need to get recommendations if a solicitor that gets good outcomes for people in your situation- financially abusive bastards that refuse to engage.

Do your research, look up on the internet the legal steps and which elements you can do yourself etc.

He's proved that for 6 years he can financially support himself without his share of the marital funds but it needs sorting NOW whilst you still have DC under 18, he is planning to shaft you hence not wanting to divorce yet.

Rainbowqueeen · 05/07/2023 11:54

I would speak to Womens aid. They have a list of solicitors who are specialists in acting for women with abusive ex husbands. Use someone from that list and follow their advice

Get a cheap prepaid phone and use it only to deal with your ex. Keep it turned off and just check it every now and again.

Ignore everything he says about how hard you are making things for him. He’s talking crap.

EvilElsa · 05/07/2023 12:07

I'd just block him. If he just sends abuse but refuses to communicate civilly or answer any return texts at all then what's the point? He's just using it to try and guilt trip/blackmail you into withdrawing the perfectly legal process you are following through CMS. If he hadn't been such a fucking useless wanker before and actually paid for his kids then he wouldn't be in this situation now. It's all his own doing.
Block, divorce and move on. He's a twat and won't ever not be a twat unfortunately. Luckily he won't be your twat to deal with.

Wrinklefree · 05/07/2023 12:11

fortygin · 05/07/2023 11:22

Thank you.
it’s hard to see the wood for the trees.
I’ve received another txt saying that I’m affecting our DCs lives and it’s disgusting how I have gone from requesting £10 pw - £60 pw (using CMS calculator based on a lowball estimate of his wage) - over £100 pw that was on the CMS form (I’ve no idea where this figure came from as cms say they only sent a letter asking him to contact them).
It feel like a pointless exercise since he won’t reply to any texts and just sends rants.

Show quote history

Well he’s the idiot for not agreeing to part with £10 a week that you originally asked him for, more fool him. Let him dig deep now.

LadyJ2023 · 05/07/2023 12:15

Go to cms not sure why you haven't its for the benefit of the children

SuperSange · 05/07/2023 12:24

He's only angry because he's been caught out. Block and ignore, let the CMS do their thing.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 05/07/2023 12:34

I’d just ignore.

if you wish to reply, I’d just send a message saying.

X contact CMS regarding child maintenance, as the financial cost of raising our children is the responsibility of the both of us, I will no longer discuss this with you as it’s now in the hand of the CMS.

Quitelikeit · 05/07/2023 12:35

Please please do not let this man steam roll you again.

He thinks he knows how to handle you, how to change your mind by using abusive tactics

It would be a mistake to meet up with him and allow him to abuse you given that you are vulnerable right now

You know how he is getting you to pay for this house? One day he is going to try abs claim
half of it from you. It highly unlikely a judge would award him half of the proceeds

You do need further legal advice

Can you call women’s aid?

purpleboy · 05/07/2023 12:37

LadyJ2023 · 05/07/2023 12:15

Go to cms not sure why you haven't its for the benefit of the children

Read the thread!

purpleboy · 05/07/2023 12:39

Op he sounds like a shit, don't loose heart, I know it's hard, but you are strong, you can get through this. You've done the right thing, he has got away without paying for 6 years!
The kids are his responsibility too and he should be contributing to their upbringing. Regardless of what he tries to tell you, you are not in the wrong.