To ask exh for financial help over the summer

[fortygin]

My exh and I have been separated for 6 years. We have 4 dc ranging from 18 to 12, all still at school.
rough breakup over his infidelity but generally bumble along ok. Both in new relationships but not living with them.
He had all 4 dc three nights a week for the first three years after the break up but the eldest two had some issues with his anger/attitude and now only go once a week. (18 year old is autistic and that’s their routine, weird as it is).
He has never paid maintenance as he said he does 50/50 parenting (I do all the day to day admin for the d/c and school runs etc) and the two oldest are welcome at his so it’s not his fault I have them more.
I have asked him for £10 per week over the summer to help pay for snacks etc for the dc due to the high cost of food and electricity, as they will spend most of the time off school at mine.
He said I had two options.

1. make the two eldest go to his three night a week again over the summer and he would provide food there, or
2. suck it up and stretch my own budget. aibu to after 6 file a claim with cms for maintenance?! I should clarify, he is not speaking to me because I am trying to sort out a college place for the 2nd dc and he said he feels excluded because they don’t speak to him about it. I called discuss it, he got angry and hung up.

£10 between 4 kids a week? So £2.50 each? Regardless of what you earn now, he's also their dad. Ii feel like he's trying to get at you and not the children.
what parent would deny their own kids money for electric and food. maybe he should ask your eldest two why they don't want to be at his house anymore and get some home truths.

Also with 4 children and a marriage, you didn't just magically spring your children on him as a surprise. Take him for what your kids are entitled to.
you've put up with worse from him by the sounds of it. Get that anger out and use it, to go through the channels to get your kids what they deserve.

Bloody hell £10pw is almost not worth asking for, and he still said no. Tosser.

Definitely apply for the CM.

He sounds vile. He would not give you £10pw for them. Their pocket money must be far more than that. Go to CSM and tell them how frequently you have the children and how frequently your exh has them. Over about 12 the children get some say who they want to live with. Even if he had them 3 days out of 7 that is still not half and he'd have to pay some child maintenance. It shouldn't be down to just one parent to pay for their children. You are not asking for money for you, remember your children deserve support from.their Dad.

File a claim with CMS.

If he complains to you say or text "I'm sick of funding your lifestyle you useless wastrel wanker" and then block or mute.

he has been abusing you way beyond your divorce.

He was a cheater and he doesn't want to pay his share for his kids? Get every pound you're owed, and try your best to stop caring what he says, if he tries to be verbally abusive. You don't need to care what he thinks about anything. A decent father wouldn't begrudge his children that money.

Claim child maintenance

Can't any of the over 16 work? I was in full time education 16-18 and had to work. I'm also autistic. I didn't know at the time though and assumed everyone struggled like I did.

CMS, definitely.
He needs to properly contribute.
He is taking the piss.

There was an incident two years ago where he was berating our the 16yo dc for not being respectful of him and his gf (previously ow).
I then told him how the other two felt and even school got involved.
his response…. To not see kids at all for three weeks as it ‘wasn’t safe’ for him to be alone with them in case the accused him of anything.
during this time he requested that I apologise to him infront of all four dc, for saying that he was anything less than a perfect father.
i didn’t back down and eventually he did but this is how things go if I don’t toe the line.
He will go back on agreements and become the victim, saying that it’s my own doing and he doesn’t feel like ‘helping me’. Ie to switch days to allow me to go to a wedding.
looking back this goes a lot deeper than some money each week. I’m still under his control.

16 year old has a part time job but is studying, 18 year old is looking for a part time job too but again has just finished a-levels and is still studying. That would be some pocket money for them though, not to negate the responsibility their father should have, considering he will tell anyone who listens that he is a great father.

He sounds utterly vile.

Definitely definitely claim. Do it today.

What a horrible father.

My teenage dc cost me about £40 per DAY per child on average (food/bus pass/phone/extra curricular/clothes/pocket money) so you were asking for such a tiny tiny amount towards his own children.

He is pure scum and I wish something could be done about parents like this, but I have no idea what!

Going via CMS is takin mg back down control for that reason one do it.

Fact is, it is his fault it's not really 50/50 as he has been horrible.
And whatever the reason, it's far from 50/50 so he isn't paying and you foot the bill for them all nearly full time living with you.

Definitely CMS - it's the children, not you, missing out otherwise.

Put that claim in. Seek help regarding how to deal with him. It's best to not engage at all except on child access. He's using the children to control you, but you know this. Keep in mind that he's a wrong'un and you are so much better off without him. Don't give him that power.

The 18 year old will be outside cms by the end of august but they can claim benefits from the beginning of September in their own right. Claim for the other children

You have nothing to lose - you don’t need to communicate others than child arrangements - anything else a curt

I’ll think about that
I’ll come back to you on that
I’ll let you know
Noted

You don’t have to engage

To be honest OP I don’t understand why you haven’t been claiming CMS since you split. He’s really done a number on you hasn’t he? 💐

Think of it that you will be letting the DC down if you don’t claim it. Time to be brave. If he gets nasty, block him. The DC are old enough to make their own arrangements and if they don’t want to see him or stay there, that’s fine.

Go to CMS.

£259 x 12 is £3108. That's lot of nice yummy food and less stress for bills, school trips, uniform etc etc

Your description of him sent a shiver up my spine. Controlling for sure.

To add I would put the claim in before increasing your work - looking at 4 children and working full time is hard work

Why not take control back? Put in the claim - he must owe you thousands of pounds

HOW do these men convince women that this is ok?

You seem to think that him telling all and sundry what a great dad he is, somehow equals them believing it. If they have ANY decency themselves they will not, if you are truthful about the situation. Why do you cover up for him? Why not be honest that he pays nothing?

What does your new boyfriend think? Either he should be backing you to get proper support from ex, or I would he worried he also sees you as weak and able to be manipulated

Nobody at all thinks a CMS calculated maintenance payment bleeds any absent parent dry.

It is the basic minimum which should be paid for the benefit of the children. Anything less would be criminalised if I was PM.

I would ask him to have them more often tbh, it’s all very well asking for money but surely that would be more of a benefit for you & the kids gets to spend more time with their Dad, then by default he will be providing more for them financially

File a claim OP.
3 nights per week isn’t half the time anyway - he should have been paying you right from when you separated!