To ask exh for financial help over the summer

[fortygin]

My exh and I have been separated for 6 years. We have 4 dc ranging from 18 to 12, all still at school.
rough breakup over his infidelity but generally bumble along ok. Both in new relationships but not living with them.
He had all 4 dc three nights a week for the first three years after the break up but the eldest two had some issues with his anger/attitude and now only go once a week. (18 year old is autistic and that’s their routine, weird as it is).
He has never paid maintenance as he said he does 50/50 parenting (I do all the day to day admin for the d/c and school runs etc) and the two oldest are welcome at his so it’s not his fault I have them more.
I have asked him for £10 per week over the summer to help pay for snacks etc for the dc due to the high cost of food and electricity, as they will spend most of the time off school at mine.
He said I had two options.

1. make the two eldest go to his three night a week again over the summer and he would provide food there, or
2. suck it up and stretch my own budget. aibu to after 6 file a claim with cms for maintenance?! I should clarify, he is not speaking to me because I am trying to sort out a college place for the 2nd dc and he said he feels excluded because they don’t speak to him about it. I called discuss it, he got angry and hung up.

Haha funding your lifestyle with a tenner a week 😂😂 bloody hell... enjoy the jetset life in the Bahamas on his back 😂

Honestly he would rather force his child to his when he doesn't want to over £10 for snacks! CMS I would, he will have a shock.

OP, If you're not claiming child benefit then take a look online to do this.

www.gov.uk/child-benefit/what-youll-get

I agree with other PPs about going through CMS. Let them deal with him and grey rock him as much as possible if he comes back at you. Your children deserve to get the financial support from their father as well as from you. Do you know his NI Number or place of work? Also do check online, if you haven't already, if you're eligible for the 25% single person council tax discount. 🌹

That would be my ideal. I’ve never claimed anything as I thought three nights was fine but my girls are older now and they can see his traits and don’t want to be there more often.
Regardless of his behaviour towards me, he is their dad and until he showed them his disrespect for women, they only heard positive things from me.
i seen it as my job to encourage a relationship between them.
i would never do this if I didn’t have to.

Me too re shiver

Fair enough, if they don’t want to go you can’t force them especially older children. In that case definitely go to cms, he’ll probably regret not taking you up on the tenner a week as it’s likely he’ll have to pay more.

Also only £10 a week for snacks! He was getting off lightly, I’d often spend that a day on just one child.

Another vote for CMS. It's so little money anyway, how dare he leave it all to you. I had all of this, "teaching me a lesson", "not supporting your lifestyle" (lone parent to a disabled child 🙄), withholding maintenance if I didn't tow the line to his satisfaction. Horrible OW who interfered and manipulated, called me greedy for expecting any more than £100 a month but was paying private school fees for her kid. So I went to CMS. At that point I didn't care if I got less, I just wanted the control removed and that's what it did. Please put that claim in asap. If he's employed, it's a very easy and fast process.

I'm glad your girls don't want to go so much. I'd encourage them not to go and definitely claim.

Well I’ve submitted a claim this morning.
I feel sick and my heart rate is through the roof but I need to make a stand.
I work damn hard and do well for all four of my dc.

Well done @fortygin.

He has been taking the piss for long enough.

Absolutely brilliant update!

Well done and please come back and tell us how he reacts

Whatever you do you must stay strong, you are entitled to this cash and he is going to do anything he can to push you into submission

Show him that you no longer fear him, don’t talk to him, keep records of his messages.

What do you think his reaction will be?

He's not providing for HIS children

TBF if he has 50/50 I see his point. They are welcome to go to him and he sucks up the cost

I'd keep it civilised. The money is for the children not you, you can't agree so a detached outside opinion is needed. so recite that parrot fashion. Hang up if he becomes abusive and let the official wheels turn.

£10 per week is pitiful and he's an idiot.

💪🏻
Well done - you're taking control

But it's not 50:50
And they don't want to go to his

@fortygin Sorry obviously yes he should be providing for them.

He sounds like a complete baby, not sure how you manage to get on with him alright.
Go to the CMS.

Such a shame though, I would have hated it if my kids didn’t want to see their Dad

Sorry I feel really stupid now. My post didn't come across well.!

well done on submitting the claim. It is not 50/50 at the DC choice and they are old enough to decide.

He can't force the DC to go there, so he has to suck it up and pay the official CMS maintenance.

Mine, even in his 40's now would sooner cut his own throat rather than go and see his father voluntarily. He told the court when he was very young he didn't want to see him.
Bloody annoying as childcare cost me a fortune and ex refused to pay CMS.
But then I have a wonderful relationship with DS and his father is a sad old man whom nobody wants to see.
He had a choice. He chose to be a spiteful, nasty, stingy father. I always let DS have a choice as to whether he wanted to see him or not.
He decided to go when he was 16 to see if his father had changed and apparently he had not - so he never went back.

Well he should pay cms
you should also work full time

That’s so sad (for your ds), my dc were lucky that their dd was/is a great person & had a great relationship with them post divorce & stepped up in every way for them & I never had to force him to pay anything for them he provided willingly & generously. Such a shame that can’t be said for majority of children with divorced/separated parents

Grey rock him and don't listen or engage with any bullying over money or contact. Tell him to speak to CMS and take contact to court.

Tell CMS he continues to be abusive and you won't accept direct pay and what do you need to provide so that doesn't happen. It may well be that you have to try direct pay first but I'm not 100% sure.

If he is employed and doesn't pay CMS ultimately will do deductions from his salary with his employer but it usually takes a few years to get to that stage.

Now is the time to be strong and not back down. He will rant and rave to everyone but your DC already know the truth.