To ask exh for financial help over the summer

[fortygin]

My exh and I have been separated for 6 years. We have 4 dc ranging from 18 to 12, all still at school.
rough breakup over his infidelity but generally bumble along ok. Both in new relationships but not living with them.
He had all 4 dc three nights a week for the first three years after the break up but the eldest two had some issues with his anger/attitude and now only go once a week. (18 year old is autistic and that’s their routine, weird as it is).
He has never paid maintenance as he said he does 50/50 parenting (I do all the day to day admin for the d/c and school runs etc) and the two oldest are welcome at his so it’s not his fault I have them more.
I have asked him for £10 per week over the summer to help pay for snacks etc for the dc due to the high cost of food and electricity, as they will spend most of the time off school at mine.
He said I had two options.

1. make the two eldest go to his three night a week again over the summer and he would provide food there, or
2. suck it up and stretch my own budget. aibu to after 6 file a claim with cms for maintenance?! I should clarify, he is not speaking to me because I am trying to sort out a college place for the 2nd dc and he said he feels excluded because they don’t speak to him about it. I called discuss it, he got angry and hung up.

He will do 1 of 2 things.
Either go ballistic directly to me and play the victim to his mum etc about how hard done by he is or
completely ignore any letters he gets like he has been doing with letters from my solicitor.

Well then you must be very lucky and not have an ex who completely changed at 40 and became a cheating monster!

I work 30 hours a week because I have all school runs to do and he expects me to be available for children. It’s not like I work - few hours a week.

Well done OP! 👏👏👏

3 nights a week is not 50/50. My ex has our son 3 nights a week and still pays me maintenance as assessed necessary by the child maintenance service, so if I were you I'd put your details into the child maintenance calculator and see what comes up. If your ex is reluctant to pay, they can take it direct from his wage...he would unfortunately have to pay a fee on top of the maintenance for them doing that, so he would be even more worse off

Great update that you have put the claim in - well done
Stay strong and absolutely do not engage with any messaging regarding it, let CMS sort it now
Even is he goes back to 3 nights, that is not 50/50 and he will still need to pay something

Do not let him deprive your dc of what is legally theirs

Yes, you provide brilliantly for them, but use whatever you need and then save the rest for them - that extra could make a huge difference in the future

I'm glad you've opened a case. You will also get maintenance for the older kids who won't stay with him, regardless of whether they are welcome or not they don't stay so therefore he should pay maintenance for them. Good luck x

He sounds like a total loser. Well done for making the claim. It's about the money and the principle.

Presumably he will tell CMS that it's all a big mistake as he has them 50:50 - I don't know whether/how they check/follow up on this but hope someone with experience of this can advise.

Wishing you luck

Thank you all. I’m grey rocking. He’s texted again demanding I do a school pick up that it was already arranged I was doing anyway.
It’s most definitely a control issue and I’m trying to take some back.
All I really want is for him and the dc to have a decent relationship and just a little help over the summer but I’ve been walked over for 6 years and I deserve more.

Well done, OP. CMS will soon sort out what he owes.

I'd be suggesting to him a GP check up for early onset dementia if he starts forgetting things like this.

Hi all just an update.
so he got the letter from CMS, as expected he has not taken it well.
Has said he will have to give up his home and he is disgusted at me for doing such a horrendous thing to him.
That I have severely disrupted the DC’s lives and will need to sit down with him present and explain to them what I have done and why.
That he will need to ‘review all of our remaining financial commitments together’ (joint mortgage that I have paid alone for 6 years, half a Netflix account and half a life insurance policy).
I have to say I’m not in a great place and this is all taking a toll on me health wise .

Ignore.
You don't have to bow to his demands to sit down with him and explain to the kids about their parents finances. He can feel as disgusted as he likes, nothing to do with you. Funny how he doesn't care how disgusted YOU feel about him being a shit dad and not providing sufficiently for his kids. You can pay for the results of his "financial review" with the child support he finally has to pay which hopefully be more than than the extra £5 you need to cover half a Netflix payment 😉.

Honestly OP, don't worry. He's a bellend and luckily he's not YOUR bellend anymore.

Don't engage with him. When he says stuff like that simply respond with 'you deal with it as you see fit' or 'your financial situation is now no longer any of my business' the children are old enough for you to sit down with and explain, age appropriately' what has happened and why, so they have the facts should he decide to discuss it with them. Maybe you could arm them with a few choice words, such as 'it's between you and mum' or 'it's none of our business, it's between you and mum'

He's thriving on the drama and trying to put it on you, but actually it's nothing to do with you. He'll be furious because he knows he's gotten away with not paying for years and realised that your starting to push back and not be a doormat. If he can't afford Netflix that's fine, you pay for it, but take him off the account. Just drop the rope.

If he stars to abuse you verbally then he can communicate with you via email only (block him on the phone) and if he gets abusive or threatens suicide report him to the police.

Don’t back down OP. Just grey rock him.

Have you had legal advice on the mortgage?

I have spoken to a solicitor a few times over the years.
i had spoken to ex in May about a divorce (again) mentioning that we would need to sort house and pensions then, but as usual he ignored.
He has received letters from my solicitor in the past asking him to get pension quotes etc but has told me he will not be replying.
solicitor has made it clear that nothing will change if I file for divorce other than him ramping up the emotional abuse and the only people who would win would be solicitors.

Say ok, I'll sit them down and explain that their father doesn't want to provide any financial resources for them, I asked for 10 a week for a few weeks for you all and he refused. I asked CMs and now he wants me to tell you all I'm horrible that he has asked to do anything for you..

Is that what he meant? You know open and honest in adult affairs? 😂 what a tool

Just get on with your life and let the CMS wheels roll. He won't divorce you so he's stuck with you.

As others have said, you don’t have to do anything. He wants to create the drama so he can control you again. No drama, no control. Tell your children what you have done and why in very basic terms. But not in front of him, why should you?

Take him off the Netflix account, or take yourself off if it’s in his name and stop paying it. You can always open a new account in your name. You will be getting some money from him to cover it…

Maybe try another solicitor? It needs to be recorded that he isn’t paying anything into the mortgage at the moment, and hasn’t for six yewrs…And that he is refusing to answer letters.

Refuse to engage if he phones and starts shouting…. Let him message or email so you have a paper trail.

What a nasty man to begrudge paying to support his own children

Stay strong OP. It's all just nonsense, he hopes to bully you back into making his life easy.
Do not respond except to say an communication should be through your solicitor and then hide his messages.
Lots of us have been through the same, it is awful but survivable.
Keep posting, we will support you. You are doing the right thing.

They will not be demanding £7,500 from him unless you originally but in a claim years ago and he said he was paying privately and he hasn't.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Tell the girls you have applied for CMS as you are struggling financially and he wouldn't help out. That he is now very angry and will say lots of horrible things about you and to just ignore.

Seriously do not be bullied. If he wants to finally sort out the house etc fantastic you can get divorced and the courts will do the financial settlement.

You can prove abuse so mediation will be a tick box exercise and passed into court.

You make a financial settlement offer in your favour and agree to settle on 50:50 or what your solicitor believes the court will see as a fair and appropriate settlement and refuse to get into letter ping pong. This is my final offer, see you in court.

Thank you. That means a lot. I’ve a supportive partner and my geed friend has been amazing.
This last 6 years (and the 6 before that where he admitted to an affair and we reconciled) have most definitely left its mark on me.
I’m a nervous wreck and someone had to follow me home in my car last night after work to make sure I didn’t do anything stupid.
I know I sound dramatic and ridiculous but I hope to change that with new meds and counselling.

You need a better solicitor, advice about getting him off the mortgage and a new netflix account just in your name.
How has he bought a new house? Could he be committing mortgage fraud? You can look up the deeds of his new property and check whose name is on it.

Yes you need to go to court with a much much better solicitor- the fact that you are e still financially entwined with a house is insane