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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To decline a child free wedding?

126 replies

rexted · 25/06/2023 19:35

Another one of those. Curious what others would have done in my place.

Cousin's wedding. We are the only ones on the family with a child (will be 19mo at wedding time). We received a child free wedding invite. All of my family will be there and DH's parents are elderly and disabled so cannot care for DD. No other family to take her. She is also still breastfeeding (this would be more of a problem for me that her because of engorgement!).

I did consider going alone and leaving her with DH and then leaving after the ceremony but with all the travel and expense of attending a wedding, I just don't see it as worth it. She's our first baby (well, toddler now!) and I just don't feel comfortable or confident yet leaving her with a hired babysitter yet and probably won't until she can talk. My friends are all young and child free and I feel like asking them to take her for a day and night would be a HUGE ask (I probably would have not managed before I became a parent myself...). I would just be so nervous about it all day too.

I've declined saying that we weren't able to find childcare, wished them a wonderful day and asked the couple for their bank details so I can send along a gift. They've not responded and I've now had a call from my aunt saying she's disappointed we won't be there, which leads me to think that perhaps it would be expected that I'd have found child care? A little worried I've caused offence.

OP posts:
CuriousGeorge80 · 25/06/2023 19:37

Fine to have a childfree wedding, fine to decline a childfree wedding; that’s my motto, YANBU.

FuckNuggets · 25/06/2023 19:37

YANBU. They want a childfree wedding they have to accept that parents may choose not to come.

endofthelinefinally · 25/06/2023 19:38

You have been perfectly polite. You have no child care. You can't just abandon your child with anybody.
Their choice to exclude children.

Choice4567 · 25/06/2023 19:38

Absolutely YANBU. They can certainly have a child free wedding, but they have to accept some people won’t be able to come. Where do they expect you to be about to magic childcare from?

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 25/06/2023 19:39

If they really wanted you there they'd let you bring your young child. They will be mortified in a few years when they have a young child and they realise how difficult it is to leave such a young kid. It's fine they want a child free wedding but not acceptable to spit their dummy out if you refuse.

PuffinMcStuffin · 25/06/2023 19:39

You've behaved perfectly, what more could they expect from you?

Luxell934 · 25/06/2023 19:40

They probably don't care that much OP. Your aunt is older I'm guessing she probably cares more than your cousin and their partner. You've done nothing wrong. Send a nice card and gift and don't give it a second thought.

GeriatricMumma · 25/06/2023 19:41

YANBU,

They have the opportunity to invite you with your DC if it's that 'disappointing' for them.

darkmodeon · 25/06/2023 19:41

You're fine and I'm shocked your aunt rang you

TolkiensFallow · 25/06/2023 19:41

You’re totally reasonable. It’s fine to decline but normal to doubt yourself the first time you do it.

I think personally if it was my cousin I would have gone on my own but we are close. Someone I’m not close to, just rsvp no!

MakeItRain · 25/06/2023 19:42

I think it's absolutely fine to decline. You just have to be breezy and say "yes it's a shame, we don't have childcare but I hope you have a lovely day, send lots of pictures" etc etc. I think it's fine to invite people to a child free wedding, but you must accept that some might turn it down.
They might be upset/ a bit offended, but you've done nothing wrong. Don't get too embroiled in conversations about the wedding, just keep agreeing it's "a shame" and move on to wishing them well and what an exciting day it will be.

Puppers · 25/06/2023 19:43

Honestly don't give it any headspace at all. If they are offended, that's on them. Do you think they were worried about whether or not you would be offended that they didn't want your child there? No.

They extended an invitation to you with conditions attached, and you politely declined to accept based on those conditions. Nobody had done anything wrong, up until the point that they rudely ignored your message and enlisted their mother to guilt trip and pressure you. They are out of line now.

You did nothing wrong. Leave them to it and don't worry.

Lovingitallnow · 25/06/2023 19:43

I do think it's weird to ask for bank details though. Put cash in a card.

FeeFiFoFumble · 25/06/2023 19:44

I would've done the same as you **

Teacakeorcrumpet · 25/06/2023 19:44

I did exactly the same in your circumstances. I've also had people decline evening invitations because they can't find childcare. Its just how it is when you have young children. YANBU.

yogasaurus · 25/06/2023 19:44

No, it’s fine to decline.

GeriatricMumma · 25/06/2023 19:44

Lovingitallnow · 25/06/2023 19:43

I do think it's weird to ask for bank details though. Put cash in a card.

Bank details is perfectly normal.

Cash in a card can get lost and no one wants to look like a money launderer paying cash in these days 😂

Emmamoo89 · 25/06/2023 19:45

YANBU X

Hyppogriff · 25/06/2023 19:45

I think it’s fine to decline as long as you aren’t really angling for a child invite. I can see from their side that really you could find childcare to attend for at least part or just make the effort for you to go and your partner to stay to look after the child for a family wedding (but each to their own). Also at 19 months don’t need to be breastfeeding (again each to their own but that definitely wouldn’t be a reason to angle for an invite for the child).

JazbayGrapes · 25/06/2023 19:45

YANBU. Your child is your priority.

Tinkerbyebye · 25/06/2023 19:45

YANBU. And I would contact your aunt and tell her that as the bride and groom say it’s child free, which is their choice, they, and her, have to accept that those wit( children can’t come as everybody they could ask is also at the wedding

i would also tell her that her remarks are extremely hurtful and she owes you an apology

itsmylife7 · 25/06/2023 19:45

Honestly have they no brains OP.
All the family are at the wedding, so what are you expected to do.

Do not feel bad for not wanting to leave your child.

Namechange285 · 25/06/2023 19:45

Agree, YANBU. I had a child free wedding and completely understood that meant some people couldn't attend. That was my choice. I now have a terror toddler of my own and am equally understanding if people don't want me to bring her along to their weddings Grin

VivaVivaa · 25/06/2023 19:46

Your aunt is completely out of order. Child free weddings are fine but the bride/groom/immediate family need to accept that by default it means parents may well not be there. Your reply was completely reasonable.

ErmentrudeTheCow · 25/06/2023 19:46

What you did was absolutely fine. It's difficult to find someone to babysit such a young child, assuming you don't live 20 minutes away from the wedding venue.
Do you think your aunt expected you to go alone and leave DH with the toddler?

Their choice to have a child free wedding, but they need to accept not everyone will be able to go.

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