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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decline a child free wedding?

126 replies

rexted · 25/06/2023 19:35

Another one of those. Curious what others would have done in my place.

Cousin's wedding. We are the only ones on the family with a child (will be 19mo at wedding time). We received a child free wedding invite. All of my family will be there and DH's parents are elderly and disabled so cannot care for DD. No other family to take her. She is also still breastfeeding (this would be more of a problem for me that her because of engorgement!).

I did consider going alone and leaving her with DH and then leaving after the ceremony but with all the travel and expense of attending a wedding, I just don't see it as worth it. She's our first baby (well, toddler now!) and I just don't feel comfortable or confident yet leaving her with a hired babysitter yet and probably won't until she can talk. My friends are all young and child free and I feel like asking them to take her for a day and night would be a HUGE ask (I probably would have not managed before I became a parent myself...). I would just be so nervous about it all day too.

I've declined saying that we weren't able to find childcare, wished them a wonderful day and asked the couple for their bank details so I can send along a gift. They've not responded and I've now had a call from my aunt saying she's disappointed we won't be there, which leads me to think that perhaps it would be expected that I'd have found child care? A little worried I've caused offence.

OP posts:
PuzzledObserver · 25/06/2023 20:50

I've now had a call from my aunt saying she's disappointed we won't be there,

Yes, Aunt, I’m disappointed to miss it - but I really haven’t got anyone I can leave DC with overnight, so it’s just not possible for us to come.

DreamTheMoors · 25/06/2023 20:52

@rexted

You’ve caused offence? But they don’t give a shit about how you can’t find childcare or comprehend how difficult it is to find adequate & safe childcare for your toddler?
FTS
Don’t let them guilt you into anything. You tried, and couldn’t accommodate their request.
End of.

happyfoot · 25/06/2023 20:55

Choice4567 · 25/06/2023 19:38

Absolutely YANBU. They can certainly have a child free wedding, but they have to accept some people won’t be able to come. Where do they expect you to be about to magic childcare from?

THIS. They cant have it both ways. They have every right to have a child free wedding, but they will also have to accept that some people wont be able to attend because of it. YANBU.

123wdcd · 25/06/2023 20:57

Don't worry, your response sounds perfect. I would have declined. YANBU, they created the barrier.

Qilin · 25/06/2023 20:58

You are perfectly reasonable to decline ANY wedding invitation, let alone one that is going to be very inconvenient and difficult to arrange. You've done nothing wrong.

If the aunt, or anyone else, contacts you about just remind them that if you chose to place restrictions on an invitation you have to be equally prepared to accept any consequences from that choice such as guests not being able to attend.

Snugglemonkey · 25/06/2023 21:03

Yanbu. We do not attend child free weddings. Nobody's. Makes it easy to refuse. Yes, some people might disagree with our position, but I don't care. They have every right to a child free wedding, but I have the right to decline.

SerafinasGoose · 25/06/2023 21:03

You can decline any invitation for any reason you want. Or without disclosing a reason at all. In fact, once you do start explaining, people will often try to counter you with reasons as to why you should come.

As to the response to your refusal, there's a big difference between 'I'm disappointed in you', or 'I'll be disappointed not to see you'. There's no reason to suppose Aunt was intending to issue a rebuke. On the other hand, if people are going to place strictures on their guest list that will prevent some people from attending, they should hardly be surprised when those people decline. They then don't get carte blanche to go into a strop with those people about it.

The expectation placed on weddings these days is completely disproportionate, IMO. I don't go to them at all if I can possibly help it. On too many occasions in my life they've become more trouble than they're worth.

thepantsoffmethod · 25/06/2023 21:04

I must live on a different planet, as I have many cousins and have never been invited to their weddings.

That aside, it's fine to have a child-free wedding. It's also fine to decline an invitation to one without giving it any further thought.

I'd just humour your aunt - yes, yes, it's a shame, but that's the way it goes, I'm sure they'll have a lovely day, blah, blah.

IsThisReallyPC · 25/06/2023 21:06

YANBU
perfectly fine to decline a child free wedding.
Its expected not all people with kids will be able to make it.
Your aunts comment was out of order.

Soontobe60 · 25/06/2023 21:07

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 25/06/2023 19:39

If they really wanted you there they'd let you bring your young child. They will be mortified in a few years when they have a young child and they realise how difficult it is to leave such a young kid. It's fine they want a child free wedding but not acceptable to spit their dummy out if you refuse.

Who said they’d spit their dummy out? AFAIK, invites are sent out, recipients RSVP and that’s it. There’s not a next step whereby the inviters send out another thing to thank the recipients for their RSVP.

Soontobe60 · 25/06/2023 21:09

MargotBamborough · 25/06/2023 20:13

They aren't being unreasonable to have a child free wedding.

You aren't being unreasonable to decline due to not having childcare.

They are unreasonable to not invite your child to the wedding and then be "disappointed" that you can't make it.

It’s the aunt who’s disappointed, not the bride and groom

curlywurlylover666 · 25/06/2023 21:09

Yanbu. If people want a child free wedding, they need to accept those with children might decline. Your aunt might be disappointed, you could say you are as well but at this point your only option is to decline.

underneaththeash · 25/06/2023 21:14

No-one same wants a 19mo at a wedding.
she’s too old to be bf so much that you’d get engorged. But, if you’ve no-one to leave them with your DH can’t go.
i think you should go alone.

PaigeMatthews · 25/06/2023 21:18

curlywurlylover666 · 25/06/2023 21:09

Yanbu. If people want a child free wedding, they need to accept those with children might decline. Your aunt might be disappointed, you could say you are as well but at this point your only option is to decline.

This. You're also disappointed but all your childcare will be at the wedding so you’ve no option.

ChrisPPancake · 25/06/2023 21:19

YANBU to decline, we have too in similar circumstances. Nobody tried to make us feel bad about it though.

But "I'm really disappointed in you that you're not coming" is different from "I'm sad and disappointed that you can't be there". Is it not possible your aunt meant the latter?

EbonyRaven · 25/06/2023 21:22

Absolutely fine to have a child free wedding. But don't act all pissy and bratty and throw your toys out of your pram when some people cannot come. Who the fuck does you aunt think is going to look after your baby?

Do you WANT to go @rexted ? Is there a friend who could look after baby? Just playing devils advocate... Not saying you're in the wrong, but of you WANT to go, is there anyone who could have your baby? A good friend maybe? I understand some people have no-one... Just asking.

Riverbananacarrot · 25/06/2023 21:30

I think it's absolutely fine not to go. I do think them not having a child will colour their opinion. They might think oh how hard is it to get a babysitter or leave the child with your husband not considering the logistics of breastfeeding , your child not sleeping through the night maybe , or a million other reasons. And if and when they have a child they might be a big more understanding.
Are you close to your cousin? Is it your cousin who you think is annoyed or your aunt?
If it's your cousin and you are close maybe explain the breastfeeding thing and your reasons that you are really gutted but can't come and that you absolutely respect the child free wedding and aren't angling for an invite for your baby.

TaxDirector · 25/06/2023 21:31

Couldn't you have gone yourself and left your toddler with your husband?

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 25/06/2023 21:32

CuriousGeorge80 · 25/06/2023 19:37

Fine to have a childfree wedding, fine to decline a childfree wedding; that’s my motto, YANBU.

Yeah, this.

How much are you expecting to be breastfeeding though that you were expecting engorgement?!

Hayliebells · 25/06/2023 21:38

You're absolutely fine to decline, and your aunt is an absolute dick.

Rubychews · 25/06/2023 21:41

Honestly on the day you won’t be missed. You Aunt is just getting caught up in wedding fever.

Monster80 · 25/06/2023 21:42

We said no children at our wedding - we meant it - we didn’t expect anyone who had childcare issues to attend.

Absolem76 · 25/06/2023 21:49

Not unreasonable at all. People who have childfree weddings must understand that it will mean some people with children won't be able to attend.
It's not compulsory to accept a wedding invitation

Absolem76 · 25/06/2023 21:51

Couldn't you have gone yourself and left your toddler with your husband
Maybe she doesn't want to. There is no obligation to accept an invitation

Rightnowstraightaway · 25/06/2023 21:54

I was still BFing at 19mo. My decision would have depended on how close I was to the cousin and how far away the wedding was.

Wedding nearby? I'd have gone without DH and left the baby with him.

Cousin is my best friend but wedding far away? I'd have made a mini break of it and gone up as a family, but attended the wedding on my own whilst dh took the baby somewhere else.

Far away and not close to cousin? I'd have declined.