To decline a child free wedding?

[rexted]

Another one of those. Curious what others would have done in my place.

Cousin's wedding. We are the only ones on the family with a child (will be 19mo at wedding time). We received a child free wedding invite. All of my family will be there and DH's parents are elderly and disabled so cannot care for DD. No other family to take her. She is also still breastfeeding (this would be more of a problem for me that her because of engorgement!).

I did consider going alone and leaving her with DH and then leaving after the ceremony but with all the travel and expense of attending a wedding, I just don't see it as worth it. She's our first baby (well, toddler now!) and I just don't feel comfortable or confident yet leaving her with a hired babysitter yet and probably won't until she can talk. My friends are all young and child free and I feel like asking them to take her for a day and night would be a HUGE ask (I probably would have not managed before I became a parent myself...). I would just be so nervous about it all day too.

I've declined saying that we weren't able to find childcare, wished them a wonderful day and asked the couple for their bank details so I can send along a gift. They've not responded and I've now had a call from my aunt saying she's disappointed we won't be there, which leads me to think that perhaps it would be expected that I'd have found child care? A little worried I've caused offence.

They aren't being unreasonable to have a child free wedding.

You aren't being unreasonable to decline due to not having childcare.

They are unreasonable to not invite your child to the wedding and then be "disappointed" that you can't make it.

I'd also want to know whether it was a polite 'we're disappointed that you won't be able to join us' or a 'we're disappointed that you've made the decision to spurn us and not to come'.

They must be really quite dim if they tell parents of young children that their children can't come and then are surprised if that means that none of the family can come - especially when, as PP have said, your most likely babysitters will already be at the wedding.

Same with far-flung destination weddings, when the couple fail to appreciate that many people who could have travelled for an hour or two by road simply won't be able to fly to Thailand or Jamaica just for somebody else's wedding.

YANBU An invite is just that. Your response was polite and your childcare options have to work for you. Your Aunt is being silly

Yanbu to decline. I’ve declined 2 childfree weddings next month, and one is DH’s sister’s. Your aunt is being unfair to call and make you feel bad. On the plus side, at least they are keen to have you there (DH’s sister hasn’t said anything about me not going!)

I suppose she could hardly have responded with a "YES!!!! That's two more people we don't have to pay for; cashback!!" could she?!

Please tell us OP what was the tone of the Aunts conversation?

YANBU. We chose to have a small, childfree ceremony too, and were completely understanding of anyone who couldn't attend due to lack of childcare. That's something you just have to accept if you choose a childfree wedding.

It’s fine for them to have a child free wedding and it’s equally fine for you to decline. Your aunt was out of order. We had child free but exception for BF babies

We had a few polite declines and I didn’t give it a second thought. I was pleased they’d told us well in advance. Declining last minute is bad form

What did your aunt say exactly? That she expected you to get a babysitter or for you to come alone? What did she think is the solution?

All you've done is decline and n a polite way, what's wrong with that?

You’ve behaved impeccably. As others have said, fine to have a childfree wedding - fine to decline on the grounds of having a child!

Absolutely, no ones going to say, 'oh good, you can't come to the wedding' you HAVE to say 'oh what a shame, how disappointing'
Dems the rules!

I think it was good that your Aunt picked up the phone rather than sending a message as texts can be misunderstood and a war of words can follow.

I also wouldn't leave mine at that age OP. Also feeding to sleep. If it's caused offence so be it. It's one thing to consider leaving with your parents but paid child care, no way. My toddlers would have been absolutely distraught at bedtime.

Same thing happened to us, ds same age. My mil ‘couldn’t believe’ ds wasn’t invited and called her brother (bride’s father) who in no uncertain terms told her yes that’s exactly what they meant and he’s sure my brother would love to babysit 3+ days (another country) My brother had spent about an hour total with ds at that point, and I’m going to leave him with ds for 3+ days not to mention he’d have to take off work? Haha.
We rsvp’d no, sent a gift (no thank you sent). Best decision ever!

Totally fine and your relatives are naive if they expected you to get paid childcare and attend. We had to have a child free wedding because inviting all of the children would have increased the guest list by almost 50% and we simply couldn’t afford it. We felt very awkward, expected some people to decline and when some did we were very gracious and apologetic. Similarly with wedding abroad, doing it is going to have an impact on numbers.

Yanbu. If they want a child free wedding they need to be prepared for people to refuse the invitation. They cant have it all ways.

They ANBU having a child free wedding, YAnbu not attending because of that.

I would probably try and go myself just to see family but if expense is an issue would drive, not stay over and wouldn’t buy a new outfit or anything (I’m all about the people not the things). I have this weird decision metric that “would I go to their funeral?” 🤣 and if the answer is yes I try my hardest to go to their wedding (because it’s a party for them they’ll know you have attended 😬). Same for people who have a weekday wedding “would I take a day off work for their funeral?”

I’m still BF a 3 y:o so if needed I’d just pump in the car (although I don’t pump normally). Although VE been bf for 6 yrs now so I don’t really get engorged.

I was only invited to night do of my cousins wedding (with hubby and kid), we traveled in the day about 2.5 hrs, had a day out on the way, got changed and got to wedding about 6/7pm then left and came home about 10pm - shared the driving. It was a lovely day and I’m glad we went.

you were behaving perfectly, don’t even think about it twice.
As PPs pointed out it might be just politeness from your aunt’s side not pressure or judgement. If it’s a judgement she’s very unreasonable.

They want a dc free day. You have a dc. Really is that simple. Yanbu to not organise rid of your dd for their day... Imo they only really NEED each other to show up!

It's fine, they're probably disappointed but they won't care, no body wants a baby at a wedding so they'll be happy you didn't kick up a fuss. Don't worry about it 🙂

You don't even have to give a reason for decliningvan invitation. Just say thank you but we sre unable to attend.

Yes, I think asking for bank details is rather crass. So transactional and impersonal. A voucher in a card would be better.

Here the norm is to add bank details on the invite 😅

I'm with you on this one. I would also likely decline because me, my husband and our child come as a package deal. And I have very few childcare options even I wanted to go without my child.
I don't understand child free weddings tbh. Every wedding I've been to has included children and it wouldn't have even crossed my mind that they wouldn't be invited. Weddings are a family event and children are part of a family.
I think you were super polite (and generous asking for bank details). There'll always be one older family member who doesn't like something! Don't take it personally.