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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decline a child free wedding?

126 replies

rexted · 25/06/2023 19:35

Another one of those. Curious what others would have done in my place.

Cousin's wedding. We are the only ones on the family with a child (will be 19mo at wedding time). We received a child free wedding invite. All of my family will be there and DH's parents are elderly and disabled so cannot care for DD. No other family to take her. She is also still breastfeeding (this would be more of a problem for me that her because of engorgement!).

I did consider going alone and leaving her with DH and then leaving after the ceremony but with all the travel and expense of attending a wedding, I just don't see it as worth it. She's our first baby (well, toddler now!) and I just don't feel comfortable or confident yet leaving her with a hired babysitter yet and probably won't until she can talk. My friends are all young and child free and I feel like asking them to take her for a day and night would be a HUGE ask (I probably would have not managed before I became a parent myself...). I would just be so nervous about it all day too.

I've declined saying that we weren't able to find childcare, wished them a wonderful day and asked the couple for their bank details so I can send along a gift. They've not responded and I've now had a call from my aunt saying she's disappointed we won't be there, which leads me to think that perhaps it would be expected that I'd have found child care? A little worried I've caused offence.

OP posts:
Reugny · 25/06/2023 19:47

You have done nothing wrong, however your aunt has.

Tell her if the marrying couple wanted extended family members who had children to come, they would have helped sort out childcare and/or invited family children.

Luxell934 · 25/06/2023 19:49

Tinkerbyebye · 25/06/2023 19:45

YANBU. And I would contact your aunt and tell her that as the bride and groom say it’s child free, which is their choice, they, and her, have to accept that those wit( children can’t come as everybody they could ask is also at the wedding

i would also tell her that her remarks are extremely hurtful and she owes you an apology

I don't really see what the Aunt has done thats so terrible, she's called her niece to say she's disappointed that they won't be at the wedding. Probably just a courtesy call. OP never said she tried to guilt trip her or pressure/persuade her. It was a simple "disappointed you won't be there", which you might say to anyone who wasn't coming.

Lovingitallnow · 25/06/2023 19:50

All the aunt has done is said she's disappointed they're not coming. Only the OP knows her aunt, but my aunts would ring me up to say they're so disappointed if I couldn't attend a family gathering because they'd miss me and would be sad I'm not there. Not out of guilt.

Bluebells1970 · 25/06/2023 19:50

Don't give it a second thought. I honestly think people are a bit thoughtless when it's a family wedding and all of your relatives will be at said wedding. Very few mums will dump a small baby/toddler with a babysitter/friend for a long day/evening and possibly overnight.

Swishytwip · 25/06/2023 19:50

YANBU
My son (around 18 mo at the time) was the only child allowed at my brother's otherwise no-kids wedding. It upset some of his friends but they still attended without their kids (whereas I couldn't have).
Conversely, when my son was 3, I was homeless with him after leaving an abusive relationship, staying in temporary accommodation miles away from any friends or family and so had to decline an invitation to the no-kids wedding of an old friend. I did the same as you OP and sent money as a gift. My friend never spoke to me again.

saraclara · 25/06/2023 19:50

Just message breezily back, saying how you'd have loved to be there, but there's no-one who can have your toddler, and though you tried to think of ways round the problem, there was no sensible solution.

drpet49 · 25/06/2023 19:51

FuckNuggets · 25/06/2023 19:37

YANBU. They want a childfree wedding they have to accept that parents may choose not to come.

This.

Denise82 · 25/06/2023 19:53

I think you have been polite about it, does the aunt not realise it's not your fault you won't be there, the wedding is childfree and you can't find a babysitter. What does she expect you to do, leave your child at home 🙄 The aunt is making it more of a drama than it needs to be in my view. The couple will have expected that people with children may not come if it's childfree (or they should do if they have any sense)

gogomoto · 25/06/2023 19:53

Just message your aunt and say you would have loved to have come but you have nobody you can leave your dc with your parents being at the wedding. If dc can come then you could come

snuffles123 · 25/06/2023 19:55

Just respond to your aunt and say they have chosen not to invite children which is fine, but you have a child and no appropriate childcare. Simples

Grumpy101 · 25/06/2023 19:57

YANBU to decline but they are NBU to want a child free wedding. A 19 month old at a wedding could be a disaster and annoying anyway. If you wanted to go, you could, but you don't want to as it's too much effort. That's totally fine and your choice.

neverenoughchelseaboots · 25/06/2023 19:57

It’s fine to have a child free wedding but not fine to then be pissed off when people decline.

littleripper · 25/06/2023 19:59

I declined them all and didn't think twice

GoodChat · 25/06/2023 20:00

You can't find childcare, they don't want children there. There's nothing you can do.

ellesbellesxxx · 25/06/2023 20:01

Yanbu at all.

Nowvoyager99 · 25/06/2023 20:02

I wouldn’t read anything into aunts message. Sounds like she’s just being polite.

I would just forget about it now. No big deal.

PushmePull · 25/06/2023 20:03

neverenoughchelseaboots · 25/06/2023 19:57

It’s fine to have a child free wedding but not fine to then be pissed off when people decline.

Exactly this. They can be disappointed all they like, it's not going to make it kind or reasonable to leave your 1 year old with a stranger for the occasion. If you are going to avoid inviting the children you need to accept that some parents then won't be able to come.

Luxell934 · 25/06/2023 20:04

Not sure why people jump to conclusions that Aunt is trying to cause massive drama or is "pissed off"? OP said she simply called and said she was "disappointed they wouldn't be there". Maybe she just wanted to call to check the RSVP was correct to confirm numbers, or to just be polite to see if OP was okay, maybe she actually doesn't give a shit but just said she was disappointed to be polite as you would if anyone said they couldn't come.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 25/06/2023 20:06

By the sound of your original post, it's not a wedding 5 minutes away where attending for a couple of hours would be easy. If that's the case, you did nothing wrong.

changeyerheadworzel · 25/06/2023 20:08

You handled it perfectly and politely OP.

Puppers · 25/06/2023 20:10

Luxell934 · 25/06/2023 20:04

Not sure why people jump to conclusions that Aunt is trying to cause massive drama or is "pissed off"? OP said she simply called and said she was "disappointed they wouldn't be there". Maybe she just wanted to call to check the RSVP was correct to confirm numbers, or to just be polite to see if OP was okay, maybe she actually doesn't give a shit but just said she was disappointed to be polite as you would if anyone said they couldn't come.

Because OP says... I've now had a call from my aunt saying she's disappointed we won't be there, which leads me to think that perhaps it would be expected that I'd have found child care? A little worried I've caused offence.

Off the back of the phonecall alone, she now feels she is in the bad books. If it was a bright and breezy "oh what a shame" type call, it's unlikely it would have triggered OP to be second guessing herself. Unless you've jumped to the conclusion that OP is an overly anxious type of person or is unable to read social clues in a phonecall.

Pkhsvd · 25/06/2023 20:10

I suspect they or your aunt feel bad that you can’t come due to their own choice and are pushing it back on you. Nothing wrong with saying you can’t go and I’d rather not go than have the fuss of going all by myself and pumping etc which is fair enough

whumpthereitis · 25/06/2023 20:10

There’s a big difference between ‘I’m so disappointed, shame on you!’, and ‘disappointed we won’t see you, but can’t be helped. Hope you’re well!’. Saying you’re disappointed doesn’t necessarily mean you’re trying to guilt someone, or that you’re pissed off.

I also wouldn’t assume that the aunt is speaking on behalf of the cousin either. Even if the aunt has a problem with it (and she may not!), that doesn’t mean the couple getting married have a problem it it.

Bluebellsbells · 25/06/2023 20:11

I've had this scenario four times this year and after getting over the insult that children are not part of family celebrations, I've come to the conclusion it's their choice to have a child free wedding and it's my choice to decline.

If your aunt is disappointed then she should tell her daughter to ensure that all family members can come to the wedding.

StormShadow · 25/06/2023 20:12

They're being dicks.

But that's how it is often is with weddings. It's an invitation not a summons doesn't always work out in real life.