To decline a child free wedding?

[rexted]

Another one of those. Curious what others would have done in my place.

Cousin's wedding. We are the only ones on the family with a child (will be 19mo at wedding time). We received a child free wedding invite. All of my family will be there and DH's parents are elderly and disabled so cannot care for DD. No other family to take her. She is also still breastfeeding (this would be more of a problem for me that her because of engorgement!).

I did consider going alone and leaving her with DH and then leaving after the ceremony but with all the travel and expense of attending a wedding, I just don't see it as worth it. She's our first baby (well, toddler now!) and I just don't feel comfortable or confident yet leaving her with a hired babysitter yet and probably won't until she can talk. My friends are all young and child free and I feel like asking them to take her for a day and night would be a HUGE ask (I probably would have not managed before I became a parent myself...). I would just be so nervous about it all day too.

I've declined saying that we weren't able to find childcare, wished them a wonderful day and asked the couple for their bank details so I can send along a gift. They've not responded and I've now had a call from my aunt saying she's disappointed we won't be there, which leads me to think that perhaps it would be expected that I'd have found child care? A little worried I've caused offence.

I loved having toddlers at my wedding. "No one" isn't true.

I was still breastfeeding at 19 mo. I left dc for 24 hours around this time and absolutely was engorged by the end of that time, lying awake praying for dc to wake up.

Of course you can decline.

What does your aunt suggest you do about your toddler?

We had a tiny tiny wedding.. Didn't even send invites. Def had discussed no dc other than ours there though.. Friend 1 - her dc were with their df the whole day. Great, smashing.

Friend 2 - haven't decided if entitled as fuck or just thick but turned up with the dd's in lovely dresses. Unfortunately one was fuchsia pink and she is at the side of every bloody photo like Where's Frigging Wally...
Still fuming 8 years later. We aren't even friends anymore - more reading to fume over the pics!

Of course you can decline, its an invite, not a summons.

If they wanted a child free wedding but knew there were people this would be problematic for they could have done a variety of things to help with childcare.

Is it them that is disappointed though? Or is it Aunty? Or has she taken a casual 'oh thats a shame' and built it into something it isnt?

A 19 month old at a wedding would be awful. Personally I’d go alone unless your DH is one of these useless types that half of mumsnet seem to be married to.

Mortified? I doubt it.

Why these hate against this poor aunt? She was probably being polite, not accusing OP that she should sort it.
I had a child free wedding. If someone declined because of childcare issues sure I'd be disappointed they couldn't come, but I'd also be disappointed if John Doe couldn't come because it was the same day as his parents anniversary party (for example). Saying you're disappointed doesn't mean more than that.
And nope I was never 'mortified' @Tinkeytonkoldfruit after I had my own kids and couldn't attend events because of that. I wasn't about to invite 15 plus kids I didn't know and not invite 15 friends I cared for deeply.

YANBU - your response was so lovely @rexted . People who choose child free weddings (which is absolutely their choice) must understand some people won't be able to attend.

I had to decline one invite years ago. DC with complex disabilities couldn't be left with anyone. No relatives were in the country at the time who could help provide childcare. The wedding was 3+ hrs away, with the expectation everyone stayed in the hotel overnight - helped them get a good deal on the venue costs. A very rural area with no transport. The bride never spoke to me again.

What has the aunt come to deserve that? All we know is that she's disappointed that OP can't make it. Nowhere has OP indicated that it was said with anger or annoyance.

I'd be disappointed if my niece or nephew couldn't come to my DD's wedding, too. But that doesn't indicate blame, and certainly wouldn't if it was my DD who'd made it very difficult for them to.

Hayliebells · Today 21:38

You're absolutely fine to decline, and your aunt is an absolute dick.

Agree. What a rude little manipulative guilt tripper she is.

Honestly why do people come to such conclusions about the poor aunt. No where did it state the aunt said anything remotely rude, negative, aggressive, demanding, manipulative, or tried to make OP feel guilty. She said she was “disappointed they couldn’t make it” What should she have said? “Well none of us will really miss you so don’t worry?”

I was in a similar situation, child of a similar age and it was a wedding on my family’s side. My family are always my go-to for babysitters and I’d never left her with any of his family (they’d never offered so all day and night would have been a lot and there wasn’t really anyone suitable). I ended up going with my parents and my partner stayed at home to babysit since he isn’t obviously related to the bride. We emailed our RSVP to say he would stay at home due to childcare issues (slightly thinking they might say just bring the little one 🙈). When I went to the wedding there was someone with a baby there only a few months younger than mine and I was a tiny bit annoyed by that when I’d been so stressed out trying to decide if there was anyone I could leave her with and even got a quote for a random babysitter to watch her but just didn’t felt like I would relax at all. I think often people don’t realise how difficult this is until they’re in this situation themselves. You have a perfectly good reason not to go

They've not responded
That's because they're busy with their own lives and not that bothered. They knew when they issued the invitations that some wouldn't be able to go.

I've now had a call from my aunt saying she's disappointed we won't be there
That's sweet of her.

It's just a wedding. You dont want to leave your toddler to go to it so you're not going. Don't overthink it.

Very few people have a friend that can look after a 19 month old overnight, surely? It's a major ask, the friend would have to be well known to the child already, and not have young kids of their own.

She did though.

I had a child free wedding. Some close relatives and friends didn't come because of it. That was absolutely fine. It was our choice. That was over 20 years ago, I've never regretted not inviting children.

It's no big deal .
They don't want children, you can't get a babysitter, no big deal.
You don't go

Don’t answer this from the back foot, apologising and justifying. Just say “I would love to have been there but it’s a child free wedding and that isn’t possible for us until we have stopped feeding and have childcare”.

The reason you can’t go is down to their choices, not yours.

You’re not being unreasonable and have done the right thing.

We had a childfree wedding and would have completely understood if that meant people couldn’t make it.

A wedding invite is an invite not a summons.

You have been perfectly polite and it's your aunt that's 💩 stirring!

Thread should have ended here tbh.

We had a distant friend get huffy with us for declining the evening invite of their Tuesday wedding three hours drive from where we lived.

Invitations should come with an expectation that some will be declined and that might be a shame but you can't have everything.

Fine to have a childfree wedding, fine to decline a childfree wedding

This ^ as had been said already, several times.

Of course YANBU.
Out of interest, how far away is the wedding ? As I can see that might alter the expectations as to if there were some compromise to be found, if you are close. If you aren't particularly close, then that doesn't really come into it.

This. I think you're also overthinking, there's nothing wrong with saying they're disappointed you won't go. For what it's worth, start spending time away from your DC and let DH take more responsibility, I was similar to you and feel I made a rod for my back. Now I jump for every opposite for time on my own or a rare evening out.

I am very far from being a velcro mummy, and spent 4 consecutive nights away from my son before he was a year old (his dad looked after him).

The first and only time he's ever spent the night away from both of us was when he was 21 months old and I was in labour with his little sister. And even then it was his grandparents who see him all the time who stepped in. If we didn't have them to rely on it would have been a nightmare.

I have volunteered to take my friend's two year old when she goes into labour because my friend's parents have both passed away and her partner's family live far away and I'm pretty nervous about that.

Why these hate against this poor aunt? She was probably being polite, not accusing OP that she should sort it.

Yes this. It's something that we all just say automatically when someone says they can't attend something.
Unless there's a convenient drip feed then there was no guilt tripping or demands, or strops or all the other types of behaviour that only seem to happen to MNetters when they are invited somewhere without their children.

The actual bride and groom seem to have accepted the situation as they haven't responded so 🤷‍♀️

I think a lot of posters are being dramatic as usual on a thread about childfree weddings.