Severe gender disappointment

[Birminghambabe]

Just read a thread about wether girl babies are preferable to boy babies.

Some comments made me think - if you are so dead set against a certain sex, should you be risking having children? I have seen some videos of people going mental that they’ve just found out they’re having a baby of the sex they didn’t want. Or saying they’d have an abortion if they had the sex they didn’t want.

I agree sex preference is so normal, I’m not talking about having a preference but still knowing you’d love the child either way.

I completely get that but what I was trying to say is that those people may not have realised they would feel that strongly until being in that position. So the whole argument that they shouldn't have a baby doesn't really apply because unless they're going to have a late abortion then frankly it is too late. They can't turn the clock back.

I very much wanted a girl with all three of mine. I have three boys. When I had the first two there were no 20 week scans so I didn’t find out until they were born . With ds3 I had a scan at 31 weeks and learned he was another boy. I was disappointed for about 20 minutes and then got a grip. I’m actually not a particularly girly person myself so boys actually really suit me and as kids they were really into swimming, the theatre and music, all very much my thing. I’m very glad now that they were boys.

I know a family who chose gender selection and ended up with twins, one of each. Was dreadful to see what happened next. Breastfed one and not the other, had little to no attachment to her son, doted on her daughter. Hired a nanny to care for the son and not the daughter.

As a parent of multiple boys and girls I can concur it is incredibly individual and not all boys are one thing and girls another.

Why are you starting a thread on the same subject rather than add your thoughts to the first post?

They are to be a person, an individual regardless of gender. Our personalities form from environment/ influence surely.
I'm pregnant with my first child and have chosen not to find out the gender to add to the excitement but I couldn't imagine having such a strong preference.
I appreciate people may have different experiences.

Oh no- this person felt this way before she even conceived, she used to talk about it all the time! “When I have my daughter she’ll be blah blah blah” etc

Ops point is people stating "if/when I get pregnant in the future then I'd HATE to have a boy, I wouldn't want a boy" etc.

So 50% chance of abject misery of a kid you think will ruin your life and grow up to be a dickhead

Sorry but is that actually correct (about MD)?

I thought it was carried on the female chromosome. Females are carriers.

It affects males because they don't have a second female chromosome to "make up for" the one with the fault.

From the other thread, it's cos boys are abusive dicks who will ruin women's lives

(Just to be totally accurate; it can still affect female carriers but not to the same extent).

Yup, but then someone must be having sex with them to get pregnant in the first place 😆

Is a choice based on sex offered in the UK?

YEAH, unsure if they've sacrificed to a MAN in the hunt for a female baby, or if THEIR Kevin is one of the good guys.

I remember feeling slightly terrified when I found out my third baby was going to be a boy. I have two DDs and for some reason thought having a boy would be more difficult. Well he's only 3 so am sure there will be loads of difficult moments to come but he's so lovely that I will still love him to bits.
So no disappointment just slight terror which was totally unjustified. I don't really think women should be allowed an abortion just because they don't like the sex of the baby. And what if it happens more than once? Or more than twice? That can't be good for mental or physical health.
If you want a baby of only one sex to the extent you would abort a baby of the opposite sex then you shouldn't risk getting pregnant

No but plenty of countries will, for money.

You don't seem to get it as much now but in the 1980s there seemed to be lots of newspaper stories about people trying for a girl and having 11 boys. Not often the other way round.

I used to feel sorry for the younger ones, their parents basically said, "you are only here because your older brother wasn't a girl".

I'm totally not the girl my parents wanted. Well I'm female, but not the family idea of being a girl.

I very much doubt this is the reason many people want a girl.

I’m certainly not an insta mum, I’m not even very girls and have never dressed my girls up like little dolls. babies are babies and one sex isn’t all that different from the other when they’re babies and toddlers.

I did however always have a preference for daughters. It’s more to do with at least having a chance at having a strong mother daughter relationship. Thats not to say that boys don’t have good relationships with their mums, but for most it’s a very different relationship. I wanted a second girl because I wanted my daughter to have a sister as I’m very close to my sisters but not my brother.

I would have loved a boy if I’d have had one or even two. But I think I would have always secretly been a bit disappointed not to get a daughter.

I was probably being a bit flippant- I was thinking mainly about those glossy towie style gender reveals you see on Insta. Usually they are first time mums with a few thousand followers and it's sad when you can see the blatant disappointment when it's a boy. If they were hoping for a particular sex why broadcast a live gender reveal to thousands of people! This is the kind of gender disappointment I don't get at all.

I can understand mild gender disappointment. I currently have a girl and we are trying for a second. Similar to you I have a verrrrry slight preference for a girl just because I feel sisters tend to be a little closer (this is based on anecdotal experience only!), but equally I would like to have a boy as I know it will be a different experience especially once they grow up.

I agree it's flippant to think it's all about wanting to dress a girl up. For me, it's never been about preconceptions of what a girl will grow up to wear and be interested in, it's about preconceptions of what girls are LIKE compared to boys. More empathy, emotional intelligence etc. Boys often also have a disdain for all things "girly" which is off putting.

I get why people would be against that, too, but I think it would be helpful for people to stop assuming it's all about clothes.

I found myself surprised to have a bit of gender disappointment with DS. DD I had thought she was a boy, she was a girl. All good, no negative feelings.
At my 20 week scan with DS I found myself really upset he was a boy. I had convinced myself he was a girl, and I cried and told DH we would have to have a third baby to try for another girl. It felt extra weird as I didn't even realise I would be upset. Anyway I quickly got over it, luckily, because of course it makes zero difference. But you can't control your feelings.

So, I think overall your feelings are your feelings, and you can't help those. But you do need to try be logical about it and get over them because they are illogical and a bit ridiculous. I would absolutely judge someone who had an abortion over this (despite being v pro choice), or who made their feelings widely known/ known to the child.

Oh and for me it wasn't about clothes, it was mainly about DD actually. Wanting her to have a sister relationship, a best friend, which of course isn't logical either. But many people make up these imaginary futures in our heads when they get pregnant and that no panning out can be a real disappointment.

I had a slight preference for a girl as well and was quite disappointed to be honest when DC2 turned out to be a boy. I don't care about playing dress up or doing girly stuff but since there was a large age gap between the two kids I was hoping that if at least they were the same sex then they might have more in common and be closer though again thwre are no guarantees. According to.some studies though that I've read it looks like the relationship between sisters is on average stronger and more supportive especially when both are adults.

i still wonder sometimes if they'd be closer if the second one was a girl. But there are upsides as well. For one, there's less of a chance for comparison which is good as they are very very different.

Well it was impossible to not love this crazy little whirlwind of a little boy once he was here.

I do think a lot though about how to make sure that my little boy is one of the good ones. What can I do so that he grows up to be kind, responsible and respectful man. How to protect him from toxic masculinity. I never worried about that with DD.

We have all girls, when I was pregnant I unexpectedly had severe GD and it was awful. I didn't want to feel like that! Felt hugely guilty and absolutely hated it. I also knew how ridiculously lucky I was to be pregnant each time.

However as they've grown up it all makes perfect sense and you realise each baby /child /adult is exactly the person they are meant to be. I would absolutely not change a thing now.

My partner said he didn't mind either way (only boys in his family). Our eldest daughter plays football for the school and is captain of the cricket team. They're just all so different.

To anyone experiencing this I understand how awful it can feel, but trust me when I say it will be alright in the end (well, better than that, it'll all make sense and it'll be brilliant.)

I will never understand people that think people can't feel a certain way just because people have it worse. Imagine breaking your leg and being told you can't complain because some people don't have any legs. Ridiculous argument