Severe gender disappointment

[Birminghambabe]

Just read a thread about wether girl babies are preferable to boy babies.

Some comments made me think - if you are so dead set against a certain sex, should you be risking having children? I have seen some videos of people going mental that they’ve just found out they’re having a baby of the sex they didn’t want. Or saying they’d have an abortion if they had the sex they didn’t want.

I agree sex preference is so normal, I’m not talking about having a preference but still knowing you’d love the child either way.

I don't think people are unreasonable to have a preference. After all we all have preferences/unconscious bias etc even if we want to deny it.
People will say things like "I hope they have dh's eyes" or "I hope they're sporty like me". What's the difference?
I think more of a problem here is denying that it can be perfectly normal to have a preference so people feel that there's something wrong with them. And on here there's far more people stating they wanted boys because "girls are harder" but equally often stated that the upset is always because they got a boy.

Yes, there will be a few people who are more disappointed, but hey, pregnancy hormones can make people emotional over all sorts of things that normally they wouldn't be.

For most people once the baby is out they don't continue feeling disappointed. It's a brief feeling, which doesn't effect the treatment of the child. I suspect where it does effect the treatment of the child, then the parents would have had another reason to have a golden child anyway.

You’re definitely right. I grew up my whole life with my mum saying she really wanted a boy. It’s bloody awful, even worse for my younger sister.

I think gender disappointment to that extreme is awful and I agree, they shouldn't even have kids.

My first I wanted a boy but would have been happy either way, just a slight preference and had a boy.
When I was pregnant with my second, before finding out the sex I really wanted another boy and felt incredibly guilty about my feelings in case it was a girl and i was almost predisappointed. Thankfully I had another boy and will not have any more children, for many reasons but those feelings are definitely one of them.

If we could get rid of ridiculous and outdated gender stereotypes none of this would be an issue and all children are individuals anyway.
I had a small preference for a girl not sure why because I’d been around and loved babies of both sexes but I suppose I just saw myself more as a girls mum.
I then started to get really strong feelings my baby was a boy to the point I just kind of knew he was before I even had the scan, so whenI had the scan I just thought, I know and that was that and I was a boy’s mum.
Theyre all pretty much the same until about 7 unless you deliberately foist sexist regressive attitudes on them.

I believe there are places in this country where they won’t tell you the sex because of risk of sex selected abortions in certain cultures.

I think it all comes down to what you “expect” from a certain gender. You might assume a girl will be girly, close to her mum, enjoy princess stuff. And a boy to like sport, be dads little mini me, be rough and ready. They are stereotypes which are often incredibly far from the truth. Also children change as they age and grow into little people. I had DD first and DS second. I was not disappointed when I found out DS’s gender but I worried I wasn’t a “boy mum”. Turns out he’s the most easy, loving baby. He makes me laugh every day and I realised there was no such thing as being a “girl mum” or a “boy mum”. They are their own little people and will surprise you every day.

To be fair, most people would be at least slightly disappointed to hear that their child is trans, regardless of any "gender preference" they had at birth

I think this is fine. In other countries it’s completely culturally normal to gender select embryos. Other countries see things as normal that we don’t and vice versa, like abortion and guns etc.

@LuckyCats you’re right.. the area I used to live wouldn’t tell me with dc3 for that reason.

And I do t mean that in a mean way, but it's no easiier or more difficult: as in "ooh I wanted a girl, hooray my child is trans". Nobody thinks that except some very selfish parents.

It's a shame there is gender disappointment but l think this has a lot more to do with preconceived ideas than the actual child. l love my children because of who they are, a million different things, not just because they are male or female.

I agree. It can't be helped so nobody should be having kids in order to get a certain sex. I doubt many people do have a strong preference.

YANBU unless the gender is at risk of inheriting a genetic condition.

I don't know... I didn't feel like that, and was delighted to have a baby of either sex. I do think that every baby should be wanted though, and if the "wrong" sex is conceived, maybe an abortion is the right choice for that woman. I don't see it as any worse than terminating for social, career or relationship reasons. A child is a lifelong commitment and bloody hard work at times, not something to be stoic about. FWIW, the few people I know who had strong preferences during pregnancy and got the "wrong" sex, adored their boys (oddly all 3 wanted girls and got boys) once they arrived and the disappointment ended.

Usually it's the other way round, they have several boys and have another boy so they decide he's a girl.
Though of course a parent who thinks a girl should be girly and has a girl who isn't may of course be pushing the girl to think she isn't a good enough girl because she doesn't like shopping and doing her nails.

There aren’t many people who resent their child for being the wrong gender though are there? Surely not.

I have a friend who was bitterly disappointed that her 3rd was another boy. She sobbed at her scan and to this day (kids are now teens) she feels bitter when she hears people have had daughters. She doesn’t resent her boys though and loves them all deeply. She’s just sad she never got to experience having a girl. It’s her own sadness and not something she resents her sons for.

I’m more than happy with my dds. Would have been happy with one of each, but can imagine I would have been a bit disappointed not to get a daughter. But like my friend I’m sure I’d have loved my sons, just had a bit of a wistful what if about the mother daughter relationship thing.

I think it's so dismissive to say that people want a girl because of dresses.

I have such a good relationship with my daughter. We really communicate.

My son will not participate in any kind of reciprocally communicative relationship

I waited nine years and had multiple miscarriages before my son, I wouldn’t have cared if he was a giraffe.

That doesn’t mean that no sons communicate though. Or that his lack of communication is down to his sex.

I would have preferred all boys. Got one of each. It’s great. I think everyone has a preference. If you take that preference to extreme levels and it will destroy you, then yeah, you might want to reconsider taking that risk. For the child’s sake.

I agree. Unless someone is willing to love a child unconditionally whatever sex they are whatever they look like etc then they shouldn't have children.
It's not healthy to have a strong preference for one awx anyway as it assumes the child will have go conform to a particular idea of what being a boy/ girl is.

No, but my brother was the same for a long time. He's still not exactly in a rush to share all of his thoughts and ideas but he's got a little better. My son also makes a bit more effort to respond to questions around my brother. But it's like my gut feeling when I discovered I was having a boy, I was disappointed, and that's because for me, a better fit would have been another girl. But life is not like that. I loved him SO much when he was a child, he was a totally different boy then, it is unbelievable how mute he's become. I just hope that his inner child is still that adorable boy who was loved and affirmed and supported and had a strong mother in his corner (he is on the spectrum).

I feel like gender disappointment is too steeped in smothering expectation. I have two girls and i would have liked a boy as a second child just to experience being a mum of both. DP quietly did want a son, but in his mind it’s because he pictured the boy being madly into cricket and football and being a future Beckham… however, our neighbour has two boys both of whom HATE sport and are crazy about video games, while one of our girls is trying out for a local football team and begs to go on roller coasters while the neighbours kids are too nervous to go on the tea cups at the local fare. There is nothing wrong with either sets of kids - they are all amazing but in different ways.

It’s increasing odd to want a sex of child because you assume that if its a girl you will do spa days together and if its a boy you’ll be trying out for football teams. You kids can satisfy or not, any of these dreams based on a parents day dreams depending on who they are as individuals. Any one of our kids could later identify as male or female later anyway,

Yeh, everybody has a slight preference and they shouldn't be shamed for that. I had a preference, I still adored my son when he arrived. I doted on him.

It's crazy that nobody can say 'yeh I had a preference'. It's like so basic, as though you are a monster and wouldn't have been as good a mother to the other sex.

What if your daughter decides she wants to become a man?