Severe gender disappointment

[Birminghambabe]

Just read a thread about wether girl babies are preferable to boy babies.

Some comments made me think - if you are so dead set against a certain sex, should you be risking having children? I have seen some videos of people going mental that they’ve just found out they’re having a baby of the sex they didn’t want. Or saying they’d have an abortion if they had the sex they didn’t want.

I agree sex preference is so normal, I’m not talking about having a preference but still knowing you’d love the child either way.

I agree. I think that if you feel really strongly about not wanting a particular sex, you shouldn’t risk having a baby at all, as there’s a 50% chance you’ll be extremely disappointed, and that’s unfair on the baby.

Some stupid people believe that anyone who has one or more of either sex has 'won'.

I think it's ok to have a preference for a son or daughter, and to feel a bit disappointed at the scan if it's not what you would have preferred. We're only human.

You shouldn't get pregnant if you have deep negative feelings about a certain gender. I don't actually think that women who would abort a boy due to not liking boys/men should be raising daughters either.

@Thehonestbadger I genuinely do think most people have a gender preference. Me and DH did a bit, I always imagined myself a boy mum and we loved a certain name for years before conceiving. After my miscarriages I just wanted a healthy baby but deep down had a slight preference still for a boy. Most people I talk too admitted to having a preference.

It is the people who absolutely do not want one gender or mentally couldn’t deal with bonding with the baby. I knew someone from my old school who got pregnant and was fuming about having a boy to the point she posted about it on Facebook that she was devestated and it felt wrong bonding with him. That she hoped the scan was wrong. I was shocked that she even confessed this on fb

I feel sorry for any child , male of female , born to a mother who feels like this . To those who state the misogyny in society - what better way to beat it than to bring up a kind , thoughtful , respectful young man .

Alternatively, you could just not find out until the baby is born. Madness, I know!!!

I'm sure this didn't use to be such a thing before scans became standard.

That’s so screwed up but also … like, does she not understand some people might actually (theoretically) really prefer the idea of having a boy? Meaning she hasn’t got anything to be smug about even in her warped imagination

Blows my mind how some people seem truly unable to understand that others feel things differently to how they do themselves! Usually twats

She should realise that not everyone else shares her preferences! Some of those women may even have been hoping for a boy over a girl and were very thrilled about it 🤷‍♀️ Bit odd to assume that EVERYONE else shares her preference towards having a girl.

So what do these people who have e.g. a preference for a girl do when their daughter comes out as trans?

My experience is that people presume women will want girls and men will want boys.

We have two boys. I’ve had people commiserate me - someone actually said to me when I had my second boy ‘well at least you can reuse the clothes eh?’ (‘At least’?!? About my beautiful, healthy, much-loved new baby boy?!) - but my husband gets congratulated a lot. Strangers have said to me ‘two boys! I bet your husband must be so happy!’ (I mean, yes, he is, but he would also have been delighted with two girls or a boy or a girl.)

We have some friends who have two girls and while the mum gets congratulated a lot, some of the comments the dad has had outrageous - especially as he’s historically been quite a ‘lad’s lad’. There’s an immediate assumption that he’s disappointed. (He isn’t.)

Also a lot of the women I’ve known who have wanted a girl.. it wasn’t just a preference to have a girl, but a very certain type of girl who fit their ideal and stereotypes of what having a daughter meant. I also really hate the phrase ‘I got my girl in the end’ like she’s a promised possession or something.

I cried when I found out I was having a third boy. I didn’t know I felt that way until that moment, it was very strange and not something I could control. Fast forward a few years and I couldn’t imagine our family any other way.

There is a slightly higher likelihood of a boy. For every 100 girls born there are about 102-6 boys https://www.gov.uk/government/statistics/sex-ratios-at-birth-in-the-united-kingdom-2016-to-2020/sex-ratios-at-birth-in-the-united-kingdom-2016-to-2020#:~:text=A%202011%20World%20Health%20Organisation,ratio%20of%20males%20to%20females.

@Bikingwithbabies I think maybe if you have a strong preference this might actually be better. You’d probably be so in love with the baby you’ve just birthed that you probably wouldn’t care if male or female.

I found out at 16 weeks as after my losses I was just so excited to 1) be that far along and 2) find out so we could start to name our baby

Unless that’s for medical /genetic reasons then YABVU.

Children are not a commodity to be chosen and paid for like a new pair of shoes.

Mums who wanted girls and had girls… how will you feel if your DDs only have sons in the future?

Im one of 2 girls but we have both had only boys. I would hate it if I had to experience my own mother feeling gender disappointment on my behalf.

I can relate. 37 weeks pregnant and I don’t know what I’m having but I think another boy and I do feel sadness. I also absolutely detest myself for feeling like this and I really, really wish I didn’t.

No it's ridiculous. Mother Nature gives a roughly 50-50 split of male/female for good reason. Ther are probably women reading this post who long for a healthy baby of either sex so just be grateful for your fertility.

So much hatred on MM for the male gender. They are not all misogynistic violent rapists . I have adult sons who have all grown up to be polite respectful hard working men.

@MayThe4th Your comment just reminded me of a girl I was friends with years ago - she transitioned to a male and is a lot happier. Her mum had 4 boys and really wanted a girl and finally had her.

After a boy and then 3 girls we were done (we had only planned for 3 but number four was a suprise due to coil failing an....extremely happy one though!) I was so glad when she was a girl because the dynamics would have changed so much and we are a very 'girly' household now my son is 23 and moved out. Of course I would have loved another boy but I just feel it wouldn't have worked so well as it does for us anyway

And to be honest I do kind of wish I’d stuck at the one. I didn’t expect to feel like this and I loathe the fact I do, but what can I do about it now? Nothing. I’ll just have to feel it!

I don’t like the fact that this whole preference thing rest on gender/sex stereotypes. What if you have a DD who plays football seriously and likes helping her Dad fix the car? Or a boy who wants to learn ballet and wear pink? Will that then disappoint you despite their genitalia?

A stranger once asked if my baby was a boy or a girl. When I said boy she made a sad face and said “never mind, he’s as cute as a girl”! 🤯

Your logic of not getting pregnant if you have a gender preference doesn’t really make sense, if you want a son (or daughter) specifically then you have a 50/50 chance if you get pregnant. If you don’t get pregnant it’s a 0% chance. I think people also manage to convince themselves that through luck and longing etc the odds will be more in their favour than 50/ 50 and that they’ll get what they want. Some people also don’t realise how strong their gender preference was until they are disappointed, I don’t think it’s unusual or a big issue to feel gender disappointment during pregnancy. Obviously if it continues beyond birth that is where it starts to be a problem.

Yanbu