Competitive school mum copies everything I do with my dc. Aibu to stop sharing info on out lives?

[Lightningstrikess]

A school mum I thought was a friend copies everything I do with my dc! She has children in my kids classes.
When we meet for a coffee the talk is all about the dc's progress.. My dc & hers are all in the top sets. If I said I was doing something with the dc they do it too always.. She quizzes my dc's on playdates & I feel she thinks mine are direct competition to hers.
Has anyone dealt with a similar parent?

@Gettingfleeced its more the constant comparisons & her wanting to know what my dc are doing. She text previously asking about my dc's test scores.

Maybe she is just trying to be nice? It's common ground and not too difficult to talk about children with other mums.

I wouldn't personally be upset if someone asked how my children are doing and sent their child to my child's chess club, but if you feel she has crossed a line, then withdraw.

@Gettingfleeced if we meet for coffee it's all dc chat if I switch the subject to say Netflix, the gym or a swim or anything the conversation is railroaded back to my dc.

Exactly my point - gym and swimming might not be common ground (I would have very little to say about someone else's trip to the gym beyond "oh... That's nice for you...erm...". Perhaps you don't share taste in Netflix choices or perhaps you do and she doesn't want to hear spoilers.

DC are common ground so maybe she feels more comfortable centering the conversation around them.

@Gettingfleeced well it's not common ground for me to discuss my dc constantly. I don't ask about hers. Do you think it's acceptable to message someone & ask about their dcs test scores?

PPs just aren't listening to you are they? It's not that you expect your child's clubs to not be attended be other friends, but that she's making it the sole focus of any interaction between you and her.

To people saying maybe she has a underconfident child she is trying to encourage by saying "X goes to Morris dancing, you should try it too".....how on earth is her Son going to feel when he hears "X got 87% in that test, how come you didn't get that too?"? That's never going to help his confidence.

I speak as someone who was asked every day after school what questions I'd put my hand up to answer, and if in future I could quickly count how many other children put their hand up too, and try to remember their names. After every test I was also asked "What score did your friends X and Y get?", this was from age 5 right up to degree level. With two friends it even continued to career. "X is a dentist and you're only a Scientist, could you not somehow use your degree to retrain as a dentist?". And this is why at 45 my crushed self esteem and low self-worth is STILL trying to recover.

Your friend isn't a friend. And she's not doing right by her son either, poor lad.

Why is it annoying if someone copies your kitchen? Genuinely don't understand.

You grill people on their kids test scores don't you?

It sounds as though she isn’t fun and you don’t enjoy her company. So it’s best to avoid her - it’s possible that she thinks you are really close friends.

Asking someone how their children did in a test is either the sign of an extremely close friendship or a complete lack of boundaries / common sense.

I don’t know about the after school activities. It depends on where you live. If you live somewhere that pretty much does swimming, sailing and chess then lots of children will do those. It would be annoying if she wanted you to pick the children up or get them to and from the club - but it doesn’t sound as though this is the issue.

If your children are very high achieving and do a lot of activities, it’s possible that she thinks that you have the same outlook as her

She is a teacher herself so she would know the boundaries..

Then she believes you are a good enough friend that it is okay to ask.

@CruCru if she considers herself my friend why does she only speak about my kids & has no interest in any other aspect of my life?

@Vegetus because from psychological point of view our choices form our identity. Our identity is what making us unique. When someone copies you, it’s often perceived as an identity threat (Deci, Ryan 2010).

Therefore me spending weeks and weeks on end researching (which tiles I want what paint will work and which cushions will go with that sofa and weather I want marble quartz or corian worktops) to make my home look unique resulted it the opposite (not unique because someone else has the same).

But why on the earth you share your life with her?

Trying to talk a out Netflix is not sharing my life.

Just let slip you are buying your kids a tarantula.

"How did your kids find the test?" Quite normal.

If you don't like her, you don't like her, but I don't think she has been unreasonable to ask about your kids, while simultaneously not wanting to talk about your trip to the gym or a dress you may or may not buy.

Why does it matter?

This is the first thing that came to mind e.g. Ben is going to a summer school at Harvard this summer, they do 15 hours of school work each day of the school holiday, Brian Cox is tutoring Lily at the moment etc

She asked what scores they got not how they found the tests.

Do you tell her the test scores ?

@Pottedpalm no I didn't, I replied "all did well thankfully , the dc are happy with them".. There was no reply & I didn't ask about hers because it's none of my business.

I would be making stuff up & it would get more & more outrageous
If/when she called me out on it I'd just laugh & say I feel you are over invested in my children & and what they're doing. I wanted to see how far you'd go - youre worse than I thought you were!

She's not a friend so it doesn't matter if you piss her off.

I've always had a blanket policy of never sharing details of my children's schools work/reports/tests etc there are too many batshit parents who use other kids results to berate their own kids & my kids are none of their business.

I have a mate like this. It’s draining. We have known each other for a very long time (15 years) and her son and mine have pretty much been top of the class, good all rounders all through primary. Fine fine.

Lockdown and secondary school- her son has really suffered with his mental health, has quit everything and is not able to get himself to school so much anymore. It’s desperately sad and it has driven a massive wedge between us as really she was so competitive and now she’s embarrassed. She doesn’t have much to say because all she had were her children’s academic achievements. A very narrow channel of communication!

The boys are still good mates and I try and keep tht going. But I wish she hadn’t put all that focus on the kids and that was all she had. She was such a pushy mum and now it’s all come crumbling down.

I would try and gently, over some time try and change the conversation. Because it is not healthy. Mine is a cautionary tale. I wish I have been firmer with her.