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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Competitive school mum copies everything I do with my dc. Aibu to stop sharing info on out lives?

134 replies

Lightningstrikess · 25/06/2023 16:45

A school mum I thought was a friend copies everything I do with my dc! She has children in my kids classes.
When we meet for a coffee the talk is all about the dc's progress.. My dc & hers are all in the top sets. If I said I was doing something with the dc they do it too always.. She quizzes my dc's on playdates & I feel she thinks mine are direct competition to hers.
Has anyone dealt with a similar parent?

OP posts:
CostelloJones · 26/06/2023 11:24

Is it actually copying though?

does she just think your kids are great and would like to bring hers up like yours?

maybe she’s asking because she wants ideas for things her kids might like to do?

are your kids friends and she’s trying to encourage her children to do more by sending them to a club where they will know someone?

if it bothers you that much, don’t share information about your lives

or just take it as a compliment and move on

Innocents4321 · 26/06/2023 11:27

Copying everything isn’t good and I would limit the info you give out. Copying is usually a sign of insecurity.

However, influencers work by people wanting to copy them so a little copying is maybe a compliment?

I would put money on her not trusting her own ability to parent well and mimicing you as she thinks you are doing a good job.

MrsMikeDrop · 26/06/2023 11:29

You sure you're also not bragging? Just stop sharing, problem solved

Fraaahnces · 26/06/2023 11:29

My mum was one of those pushy mothers. I swore I would never, ever do that with my kids…. I knew I would never live up to her expectations and it also isolated me from the rest of my peers. Meanwhile, my eldest has always been very advanced when you look at language skills, etc. She was the most rational, intelligent little toddler you have ever met, but it came at the detriment of her social life. She did not connect at all with kids her own age until her final year of high school - and she was also diagnosed as being on the ASD spectrum at the same time. (Poor girl! That has been so very difficult for her - but vital to know so we can work with her deficits.) I remember taking her to a kid’s play group where I was accosted by another mother about what “other activities” I organised for my child as she was reading Percy Jackson books and using words like “patronizing” in correct context at four. She did very, very well at school, but I can also say that she was clinically depressed. Now that she is almost 19, she has had to learn to work academically and is only now starting to socialize a bit. I suspect that Mum has issues of her own and this is the closest that she can get to connecting with anyone.

gamerchick · 26/06/2023 11:32

I'd have a bit of fun with that. Might not be fun for her kid like.

Original poster
Lightningstrikess · 26/06/2023 11:33

Innocents4321 · 26/06/2023 11:27

Copying everything isn’t good and I would limit the info you give out. Copying is usually a sign of insecurity.

However, influencers work by people wanting to copy them so a little copying is maybe a compliment?

I would put money on her not trusting her own ability to parent well and mimicing you as she thinks you are doing a good job.

But she's a teacher (as she used to remind us often at the school gates when the dc started) so she's obviously more clued in about stuff than I am.. As I said upthread it's not the copying it's the turning every conversation into a chat about dc's education, the school & what exactly mine are doing.

OP posts:
MorningMoaner · 26/06/2023 11:33

I have someone in my life like this, but as it's my SIL I can't easily escape! Last year she'd sent me a photo of her DC's public exam results before our school was even open to collect my DC's. It can be very draining so I know how you feel OP.
I remind myself that this kind of behaviour generally comes from some kind of insecurity and try to smile and nod.
Chances are this will be transient for you as as the children grow they will make new friends. Unfortunately we still get blow by blow accounts of our nephews' and nieces' lives even though they are all adults now and I suspect it will never end, but I (mostly) let it go over my head and don't engage. I give replies like "He did fine" "He's happy, thanks" or "She got what she needed" which I am sure my SIL interprets as meaning that her children have done better than mine, whether it's true or not . But that's fine by me.

Original poster
Lightningstrikess · 26/06/2023 11:34

MrsMikeDrop · 26/06/2023 11:29

You sure you're also not bragging? Just stop sharing, problem solved

Nope I keep trying to change the topic but it's always railroaded back to the dc, their teachers, extracurriculars, the tops sets etc....

OP posts:
Original poster
Lightningstrikess · 26/06/2023 11:37

Fraaahnces · 26/06/2023 11:29

My mum was one of those pushy mothers. I swore I would never, ever do that with my kids…. I knew I would never live up to her expectations and it also isolated me from the rest of my peers. Meanwhile, my eldest has always been very advanced when you look at language skills, etc. She was the most rational, intelligent little toddler you have ever met, but it came at the detriment of her social life. She did not connect at all with kids her own age until her final year of high school - and she was also diagnosed as being on the ASD spectrum at the same time. (Poor girl! That has been so very difficult for her - but vital to know so we can work with her deficits.) I remember taking her to a kid’s play group where I was accosted by another mother about what “other activities” I organised for my child as she was reading Percy Jackson books and using words like “patronizing” in correct context at four. She did very, very well at school, but I can also say that she was clinically depressed. Now that she is almost 19, she has had to learn to work academically and is only now starting to socialize a bit. I suspect that Mum has issues of her own and this is the closest that she can get to connecting with anyone.

Your daughter sounds so lovely @fraaahnces😊

OP posts:
BeverleyMacker · 26/06/2023 11:38

Re test scores just say "Oh they did amazing. I'm very proud". That will annoy her 😄

Original poster
Lightningstrikess · 26/06/2023 11:40

MorningMoaner · 26/06/2023 11:33

I have someone in my life like this, but as it's my SIL I can't easily escape! Last year she'd sent me a photo of her DC's public exam results before our school was even open to collect my DC's. It can be very draining so I know how you feel OP.
I remind myself that this kind of behaviour generally comes from some kind of insecurity and try to smile and nod.
Chances are this will be transient for you as as the children grow they will make new friends. Unfortunately we still get blow by blow accounts of our nephews' and nieces' lives even though they are all adults now and I suspect it will never end, but I (mostly) let it go over my head and don't engage. I give replies like "He did fine" "He's happy, thanks" or "She got what she needed" which I am sure my SIL interprets as meaning that her children have done better than mine, whether it's true or not . But that's fine by me.

I'll have to take this approach. I just feel she wants to analyse & dictate all our conversations so she can give her dc the edge as bizarre as that sounds. Her dcs are all top set so I'm not sure what more of an edge they can get on top of having a teacher parent.

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 26/06/2023 11:46

Someone can’t force you to talk about anything, you don’t want to talk about. Just don’t talk about it .. and he as blunt as it takes.

Folklore9074 · 26/06/2023 11:52

This dynamic sounds really boring and draining. Share less, and suggest a non-child related hobby for her.

Plasmodesmata · 26/06/2023 11:57

Drum lessons.
Worked for us!

Original poster
Lightningstrikess · 26/06/2023 11:59

Plasmodesmata · 26/06/2023 11:57

Drum lessons.
Worked for us!

😂😂😂 Yes she will be driven round the bend🤣

OP posts:
JennyJenny8675309 · 26/06/2023 12:04

I understand. It’s not “copying” that’s so annoying—it’s the eagle-eyed competitiveness. I experienced this when DD was in a competitive individual sport. Constant grilling and comparison made me want to sit in the car rather than watch while the mum gave me the shake-down for information.

Woofappreciationday · 26/06/2023 12:08

Youve bought a horse as little Jeremy has done so well in his riding lessons at jumping that they are considering him for the 2028 Olympics.

Havent you OP?.....

Rinse and repeat with other equivalent outlandish claims

TooOldForThisNonsense · 26/06/2023 12:21

Tell her to STFU honestly. What do you get from the friendship?

I feel sorry for mums like this, there are some still at it in the senior phase of high school here. My son would die if I put his grades on Facebook but then I got my own straight As back in the day so don’t need to brag about my kids’ prowess.

Original poster
Lightningstrikess · 26/06/2023 12:25

Woofappreciationday · 26/06/2023 12:08

Youve bought a horse as little Jeremy has done so well in his riding lessons at jumping that they are considering him for the 2028 Olympics.

Havent you OP?.....

Rinse and repeat with other equivalent outlandish claims

Just this minute @Woofappreciationday he's down the paddock now having a canter awaiting the children's return from school 😁

OP posts:
Original poster
Lightningstrikess · 26/06/2023 21:39

She text this evening to see if I was free for a coffee on Thurs.. I replied that I couldn't as DH & I are off to buy paddleboards for the dc (we're not, just thought I'd have a little fun as suggested above!) Stream of texts afterwards re said paddleboards & why!!!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 26/06/2023 22:37

See. That's the spirit Grin

drumkit next time.

Original poster
Lightningstrikess · 26/06/2023 22:47

gamerchick · 26/06/2023 22:37

See. That's the spirit Grin

drumkit next time.

Yes, I'll get on the drumkit next🤣
I haven't text back.. 3 messages..
"why are the dc getting paddleboards?"
"don't yours just use their cousins"?
"they must be improving if they need their own boards?"

OP posts:
SoWhatEh · 26/06/2023 23:12

I genuinely don't understand people who feel others have 'copied' them by joining similar clubs. They are public clubs for anyone to join, not exclusive to your family. She may first hear of things from you because she may think you are a friend who freely shares basic mum to mum info, like when swim club is on, or which is the best after school dance class. And she may have a son who is reluctant to try things and have told him, 'Go along. Your friend Little Lightning goes, remember?' which has come back to you as 'He has to go cos I go.'
Lighten up about it. How can it possibly matter if some children you know go to the same clubs as your own children?

Original poster
Lightningstrikess · 26/06/2023 23:14

@SoWhatEh I have explained numerous times up thread, she has no interest in me as a person only really speaks to me to quiz me about every aspect of my dc.

OP posts:
Gettingfleeced · 26/06/2023 23:18

You didn't invent after-school activities and you don't have the monopoly on them. It is quite normal for word-of-mouth to increase the number of attendees to a class. That's how people make a living from it.

Do you expect her to avoid local clubs because you got there first?