All women I know are in my situation

[growli]

Pretty useless DH. They're left to look after the kids. Called nags if they complain.

It mostly falls on them. The marriages are pretty rubbish.

I've posted here so many times about my issues with my H and my lifestyle with small kids.

I always get told I need to divorce. I get told that there are other men out there who aren't as useless with their children.

In real life, every woman I know, faces something similar. Mainly responsible for everything to do with kids and house, works full time most of the time too.

Husband works hard, but doesn't contribute to looking after the kids or household. Complains of not enough sex.

The women I know are highly educated and in successful careers. We all feel stitched up. We were told if we study hard and are in successful careers, we wouldn't end up being slaves to our husbands and children.

What happened to the men our parents raised ? For them to expect women to still be like their mothers ? Doing everything for kids and family.

Mothers and mothers in law in general ( even though they raised us to be successful career women with choices ) don't have a whole lot of sympathy as it seems a raise to the bottom and ' how much harder ' it was for them.

I realise I'm generalising

If you are carrying the mental load then it’s not a joint process is it?

Of course women can give up, it cannot be easy but I think I’d rather be single (and not model a poor household example to my kids) than stay in there resenting a man watching me work my arse off while doing his share too.

fuck that.

Can we stop this random “blame” comment. Who on earth is blaming them? No one gives a fuck enough about someone else’s marriage to blame anyone. I don’t care whether John or Janet take the bins out. It’s on them, but if Janet is miserable about it then she needs to take accountability for her own life. It doesn’t matter who is to “blame” it only matters what someone chooses to do.
And yes most of the time it is martyrdom. The amount of times on here I see women packing their husbands bloody suitcase for a holiday. Is that’s not making your own life more miserable I don’t know what is!

I genuinely just don’t believe these men did everything for themselves and contributed evenly to things pre kids and then suddenly changed. I’ve seen plenty of women admit they did more before and babied their husband pre kids, it just only becomes unbearable when you are looking after an adult baby and 2 actual children.

Does anyone else know anyone that dresses their husbands too? I do. My MIL has always done this as do some of my friends from back home

It's potentially why they pack their suitcases for holidays.

@Sissynova I think you totally misinterpreted what I said.
My situation is supposed to be ideal. My husband cooks, irons, does the shopping for food, cleans, do gardening, bring kids to docs appointments school and activities etc.

But I organise everything and I'm tired of it. If I choose another man in all fairness chances are he would be ready crap. My friends and relatives and work colleagues are far worse except maybe two of them.
Around me I see very lazy men.
My complaint is they I do organise and assign tasks to everyone in my house including him. But I am conscious I am probably in the best case scenario.

Still I expect way more from my son and I have plenty of talks with him about it. He needs to take the lead on the home from and I know he will.

You are saying that calling women martyrs is a compliment then? That there’s no blame attached to the word at all?

@SamanthaCaine I really and truly let him pack his clothes for the holiday. And of course he is crap and forget lots of stuff. No my problems he suffers when he sees he needs to wear same socks or buy new ones while on holiday. And I enjoyed it. Secretly.

(And every year he is getting a bit better)

@girlswillbegirls I don’t see how your situation is much better tbh if you have to identify, assign and check tasks have been done?
what would happen if you went away for a week?

I’ve done so (medical) and come home to a normal house with dinner left for me.

I can think of x2 instances where DH has booked and packed suitcases for us all without instruction or incident (I took out my own clothes).

Usually we do it together but circumstances meant it it was better for him to do it while I was out. Again, I would do the same for him.

Feminism is not one monotheistic 'ism'. I's a variety of movements with a variety of perspectives.

Improving women's lot is a universal aim. I'd say levelling the field of opportunity between the sexes, the fight against discrimination and the safeguarding of women from the violence and abuse we suffer as women: again, universal.

Equality between the sexes is a position some feminists take and others don't. 'Of equal value' - well I'd be surprised if most women didn't take this stance, whether they think of themselves as feminists or not.

The one thing I'd strenuously oppose is the cop-out that 'it's about choice'. It isn't. That's not only a reductive view, it undermines and discredits some of the very serious, even life-and-death issues feminism has traditionally concerned itself with.

As a feminist of over four decades, I believe it’s very much about choice amongst other things. Perhaps you could explain how it undermines and discredits some of the very serious, even life-and-death issues feminism has traditionally concerned itself with.

For heavens' sake. Your an autonomous adult. Try taking some personal responsibility.

It's never someone's fault if they are the victims of abuse. Abuse is insidious; it ramps up gradually and it takes a frightening confrontation that this is the truth of your life when you realise it. This recognition can take some time to process.

This isn't to suggest lazyitis is a form of abuse - although I'm sure that in some circumstances it can be - but at the very least it shows a marked contempt. And women do not have to put up with this. They don't.

An analogy with a comparable situation: it isn't alcoholics' fault that they're alcoholics, but the solution for their predicament lies solely within their hands. They can recover: recovery is possible (although no one else can do it for you). This is the same.

Stop being so bloody weak. And no, I'm not apologizing for this. If a man is a lazy arse then he's an arsehole - that is his responsibility. Whether or not you choose to internalize this, buy his mum birthday cards and take on all the mental load - whatever that is - is yours. Yes - you.

I think that works when there are no dc on the scene but once children’s needs have to be taken in to account, it’s a whole different ballgame.

I stand by my dislike of the word “martyr” to describe women who are usually carrying an unequal load for the sake of their dc. Children need looking after then and there and can’t wait for the time it takes for their fathers to be emancipated so women pick up the slack for largely very good reasons.

It’s not a word used to describe men very often …just like the word “nagging” or “hysterical” or “making a fuss” it’s an attempt to minimise a very real problem caused by men and blame it on women.

I don’t know how much the feminist cause is furthered by women doing this to one another?

I see Metro have picked this up...

It's possible to support someone by showing ways they could do something about it (something constructive and actually creating a better situation rather than risking poverty and homelessness in great emotional distress), rather than blame.

@Yea2023
Well I think it's better to have someone actually doing the shit nobody likes doing even though having no initiative, than having a total slob as a partner.
Glad to hear you have a very competent husband.
I never make meals when I'm away on business trips for example and expect the house to be clean and tidy and a functional home when back. But do have to leave instructions and remind who is doing what and when. Otherwise the kids would eat pasta/ pizza every day, would be looking for a clean uniform and standards would collapse, miss their activities etc
But I do come back to a functional house. The cost is the mental load.

By the way I am not allowing Metro or any tabloid to publish my comments, in case anyone is doing a copy and paste of my boring posts.

apparently here they are.

@girlswillbegirls So your DH is only functional if micromanaged into every action?

Im glad you are happy with this.

Have you ever tried not leaving instructions? Or are you just assuming what would happen? Maybe he'd surprise you or if they do eat pasta/pizza for a few days, does it really matter? It would be something less for you to think about.

You think it's the lot of other women to offer support and constructive solutions?

Now why would that be?

You need to take some responsibility upon yourself. You simply don't like hearing it.

On your head be it.

My husband is absolutely nothing like you describe and has never come close. He has always done at least half of the mental and physical work associated with the house and children, apart from very short periods when I was on maternity leave and to a lesser extent during the few years I worked just 3 days a week. It was always "fair" though. I imagine most of it is personality, a large part is that I started back to work full time when my first was less than 3 months, it may be cultural??? (he is Dutch), it may be partly that he is older than me so I was at a more "ambitious" stage of my career than him when the children were born. He was ahead in his career, but I know earn a bit more than him. Again, I think that helps us not fall into a division of labour that "makes up" for the fact that I earn less. Plus, I'm probably just a bit lazier and more selfish than him!!!

We do have a more equal division that most couples I know. But I don't really really recognize your description in many cases. I know many couples where she works less and he does less house/children stuff, but it is still reasonably fair and the men are not useless! Similar types of people who make similar choices probably group together? My DH is no more tolerant of useless men than I am.

So.. just don't communicate what is bothering you and feel hard done by? For how long? Years?

No I don't know where you get that logic from. Almost nobody wants to do that, and we should not assume people are.

What if it’s the other way around? I work full time and my wife 14 hours a week. I contribute 6x what she does financially, I do all the housework (clean bathrooms, hoover, tidy, all laundry, mow the lawn, put the bins out etc and my wife only does the food shopping) and I do more of the childcare with most school runs, bath and bed times (my wife goes out once or twice a week) playing with our son at home, taking him to sports practices etc. My wife will take our son to school birthday parties though.

I have tried to ask her politely to help me out when she has days when she’s not at work, but it isn’t received very well.

Any advice on what might work to get you to do a little bit more without causing an issue?

p.s. yes I am a typical male complaining about sex though! 😂

Exactly this @ForTheSakeOfThePenguin. My ex husband left everything to me to do- but I honestly hadn’t ever seen a different model of gender dynamics in a family. My mums advice about men and relationships extended to “keep them well fed and never refuse sex” (I’m 47, not 107 so didn’t actually grow up in the Victorian era either)

Of course there is a reason he is an ex, i.e. he was a massive cocklodging cheating twat and I genuinely feel sorry for his girlfriend of 7 years because she is lovely and I know for a fact (from my children) that she does everything and isn’t even on the mortgage of the home she moved into when I moved out.

My point is that I wouldn’t have known that the way our relationship worked was unfair (even though I felt it was) and that I could stand up for what I wanted irrespective of whether anyone else agreed with me unless many other women had said “it really doesn’t have to be like that” - all those women were from mumsnet so thank you all for getting me out 😘😘😘

@SouthLondonMum22 I think you have a point. I'm too worried that the house is running OK to let it happen without the instructions. You let teenagers make mistakes to learn, this is the same idea. I should try.
@Yea2023 you are fortunate but a bit on the smug side.
@Husband1984 you are a very rare case. I would tell your wife to get the finger out as clearly its not fair to work very part time and not to do housework. I assume you already talk to her, maybe a serious talked followed by a weekly schedule with shared tasks in writing might help. Let her pick her tasks but make sure the jobs are (at least) equally shared.

@girlswillbegirls earlier you shot me down for suggesting lists and tasks as apparently it means you would still have the mental load, yet now you are suggesting it and calling me smug?

@Husband1984 has it always been this way?

Im an advocate of household (joint input that is) discussions, lists & divvying up tasks (as a shared and not micromanaging function).

out of interest what is your wife doing during home days? I imagine most of the men mentioned here are at work not just at home.

If it hasn’t happened already, it may be worth having a conversation regarding your feeling overwhelmed and what can change to make things easier for you (If advise this to everyone tbh). I’d want to know why my partner feels it’s ok for me to do everything. Maybe unbelievably they’ve not even noticed?