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AIBU?

All women I know are in my situation

1000 replies

growli · 25/06/2023 13:17

Pretty useless DH. They're left to look after the kids. Called nags if they complain.

It mostly falls on them. The marriages are pretty rubbish.

I've posted here so many times about my issues with my H and my lifestyle with small kids.

I always get told I need to divorce. I get told that there are other men out there who aren't as useless with their children.

In real life, every woman I know, faces something similar. Mainly responsible for everything to do with kids and house, works full time most of the time too.

Husband works hard, but doesn't contribute to looking after the kids or household. Complains of not enough sex.

The women I know are highly educated and in successful careers. We all feel stitched up. We were told if we study hard and are in successful careers, we wouldn't end up being slaves to our husbands and children.

What happened to the men our parents raised ? For them to expect women to still be like their mothers ? Doing everything for kids and family.

Mothers and mothers in law in general ( even though they raised us to be successful career women with choices ) don't have a whole lot of sympathy as it seems a raise to the bottom and ' how much harder ' it was for them.

I realise I'm generalising

OP posts:
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GCAcademic · 25/06/2023 13:32

Some of these posts are depressing. If a man is shit, it must be a woman’s fault for putting up with it, apparently.

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thebloodycatwontstopmeowing · 25/06/2023 13:32

Think it depends on the circle of friends. We're the totally opposite, all partners/husbands do half.

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Waterlooville · 25/06/2023 13:33

I have 50/50 split of chores and mental load. We agreed who was doing what and don't complain if something isn't done right or forgotten as that happens to both of us sometimes. E.g. he sorts swimming admin, equipment, lift shares and drop offs I do brownies. He does car insurance, mot, servicing I sort power bills, being with the right supplier etc. I do everything to do with clothes and shoes he does everything to do with food shopping and prep. It works very well. If one of us is busy with work or I'll the other steps in. It is a partnership. The kids help with cleaning so we all pitch in. This didn't all just happen, we sat and agreed it.

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Letittow · 25/06/2023 13:34

It sadly is common, I agree with a PP as well that many men benchmark against other men in what they deem as being a good father, I expect women do the same as well and so don't see issue with taking on a disproportionate amount of responsibility.

I think us having one child helps, but me and DH are pretty equal in terms of taking time off when DS is poorly or taking to appointments, DH takes a lead on most organisation stuff as I struggle with it, but I do a bit more around the house so it evens out really. I would much rather do more cooking in lieu of keeping track of school events, making sure x has been done for y and doctors appointments etc. It works for us, we both have careers we enjoy and have time to ourselves without having to ask or negotiate with the other. I do feel very fortunate, his mum is a very big advocate for equality so I wonder if it rubbed off on him growing up maybe and seeing both parents doing equal things. His dad did say he was offen the only man at school events etc back then which is a shame really- hopefully things are changing.

I don't think there's a magic answer as society has some really engrained ideas.

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CuriouslyDifferent · 25/06/2023 13:34

Not my world. My amazing DPworks in a high risk profession and comes homes tired and weary.

im a tad older, and by choice work part time…. I’ve also retired once already but it was nice to have a fun job, much lower down the corporate ladder.

id say i do 60% but only because I’m doing something every day whereas, I’d prefer her to go get showered or bathed, and then eat, and if in The mood for creativity, go do her art or craft things.

she’s an amazing cook, but creates a disaster zone in her wake, so I’m ten feet behind clearing up Chernobyl, so she has free prep space and we can dish up somewhere.

wish you well OP.

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Milkand2sugarsplease · 25/06/2023 13:35

I put up with it for too long. Finally left and have since met my DH and life is worlds apart. Everything is shared - in fact, he probably does more in the house than me because he'll carry on doing stuff inbetween meetings wfh when I'm out the house at work.

Childcare is shared, domestics are shared, we share a calendar that we both use so life admin is shared and decisions are shared.

I've literally gone from one extreme (doing EVERYTHING) to the other (everything shared) and I've never been happier.

I got to the point where I had to tell myself I either need to put up and shut up or do something about it. I'm so glad I did something about it and walked away.

Ex is happy living his bachelor lifestyle without "family admin" to consider. I'm happy being with a true "partner". Worked out for everyone.

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mainbrochus · 25/06/2023 13:35

Not the case here, I know of three useless husbands who their wives divorced them.

if you have a useless partner then get rid. It’s not sexy to be someone’s mum figure + have an extra child.

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ProfessorXtra · 25/06/2023 13:36

hmmm I think a lot of men are like this. I think the conversation about why isn’t a comfortable one and people don’t like having it.

I don’t think it’s as simple as ‘useless men’.

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Letittow · 25/06/2023 13:36

GCAcademic · 25/06/2023 13:32

Some of these posts are depressing. If a man is shit, it must be a woman’s fault for putting up with it, apparently.

I don't think that's the case, but women aren't passengers in their own lives either. I know men change over time so this doesn't apply to all; but some of my friends moved in with their partners and moaned they did zero around the house and yet chose to start a family with them?! They then struggled with doing everything for one child but went on to have more children (out of choice) and were surprised when he didn't morph into super dad. Of course the actions of others aren't our responsibility, but our choices are.

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MrsSkylerWhite · 25/06/2023 13:37

FindingTheFox · Today 13:28
This is not my experience, nor that of the manjority of my friends. I know a few useless husbands/dads but they're very much the minority.”

This.

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SleepingStandingUp · 25/06/2023 13:37

Based on the GD boards where everyone no one wants a boy, because girls can be anything and do anything so deserve investment so you were raised to be your best, but men are shit so should just be resentfully raised with minimum hope cos they'll turn into a shit abusive man anyway?

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growli · 25/06/2023 13:37

ProfessorXtra · 25/06/2023 13:36

hmmm I think a lot of men are like this. I think the conversation about why isn’t a comfortable one and people don’t like having it.

I don’t think it’s as simple as ‘useless men’.

What is it then

OP posts:
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continentallentil · 25/06/2023 13:37

That’s really crap OP.

I do think in my circle women carry the mental load, but the actual doing is more equal, and seems to be slightly better in younger colleagues.

But it’s a real issue for sure.

Can you leave?

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Redebs · 25/06/2023 13:38

growli · 25/06/2023 13:17

Pretty useless DH. They're left to look after the kids. Called nags if they complain.

It mostly falls on them. The marriages are pretty rubbish.

I've posted here so many times about my issues with my H and my lifestyle with small kids.

I always get told I need to divorce. I get told that there are other men out there who aren't as useless with their children.

In real life, every woman I know, faces something similar. Mainly responsible for everything to do with kids and house, works full time most of the time too.

Husband works hard, but doesn't contribute to looking after the kids or household. Complains of not enough sex.

The women I know are highly educated and in successful careers. We all feel stitched up. We were told if we study hard and are in successful careers, we wouldn't end up being slaves to our husbands and children.

What happened to the men our parents raised ? For them to expect women to still be like their mothers ? Doing everything for kids and family.

Mothers and mothers in law in general ( even though they raised us to be successful career women with choices ) don't have a whole lot of sympathy as it seems a raise to the bottom and ' how much harder ' it was for them.

I realise I'm generalising

Truth

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babbscrabbs · 25/06/2023 13:39

Among my friends I'd say it's about 75% where the fathers pull their weight and about 25% where it's more like you describe. All middle class well educated people living in a "progressive" city.

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continentallentil · 25/06/2023 13:39

SleepingStandingUp · 25/06/2023 13:37

Based on the GD boards where everyone no one wants a boy, because girls can be anything and do anything so deserve investment so you were raised to be your best, but men are shit so should just be resentfully raised with minimum hope cos they'll turn into a shit abusive man anyway?

I don’t think people raise boys like that at all. I can’t think of one single example.

There’s a perception girls are less trouble which is why they are preferred, but it’s a rare person who doesn’t get over that.

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Mortimermay · 25/06/2023 13:39

It is a generalisation but I do feel that many people, both men and women, still firmly believe in those roles. Due to our jobs my DH does far more cooking, cleaning, housework and taxi driving for our child than I do. I do take on more of the mental load in terms of organising but I do far less of the day to day stuff. I know a lot of women who talk about how their husbands really don't help out at all but these are the same women who also pass comment on the fact that I'm not around at as many of our child's activities as my DH is. So there are just as many women who are perfectly happy to stay in that traditional role and who look at me as if I'm a terrible wife and mother if I say my DH cooked a meal or dropped our child off somewhere.

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JapaneseTony · 25/06/2023 13:40

This isn't my experience at all- I'd say we're about 50-50 and so are most couples I know. I do know some lazy men but it's definitely not the majority. Also can't imagine my OH referring to anyone as a "nag". That's not to say there aren't things he puts off- there are for both of us. But it's not a case of one of us nagging the other or doing less than our share.

Can't account for the difference, OP, except that it's normal among friends to sympathise and talk about shared experience, so when you talk about your lazy OH your friends also draw on experience of times their OHs have been lazy, and of course we're all lazy sometimes?

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FiveShelties · 25/06/2023 13:40

I would not accept that and I don't know any women who would. Someone once told me that if you act like a door mat don't be surprised if someone wipes their feet on you.

I do not intend to let anyone wipe their feet on me.

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continentallentil · 25/06/2023 13:41

Mortimermay · 25/06/2023 13:39

It is a generalisation but I do feel that many people, both men and women, still firmly believe in those roles. Due to our jobs my DH does far more cooking, cleaning, housework and taxi driving for our child than I do. I do take on more of the mental load in terms of organising but I do far less of the day to day stuff. I know a lot of women who talk about how their husbands really don't help out at all but these are the same women who also pass comment on the fact that I'm not around at as many of our child's activities as my DH is. So there are just as many women who are perfectly happy to stay in that traditional role and who look at me as if I'm a terrible wife and mother if I say my DH cooked a meal or dropped our child off somewhere.

I think it’s a smaller part of the problem, but there is truth in this.,

I am not domestic, but I still found it hard to accept I had to let him get on with it in his way.

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determinedtomakethiswork · 25/06/2023 13:41

I hearing Mary from Gogglebox on the radio. She was talking about Giles and how much pissed her off. She said when she talked to her friends, they were all in the same position so she had absolutely no faith she could meet someone who was different.

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ladygindiva · 25/06/2023 13:42

SunnySummerPlease · 25/06/2023 13:22

YANBU, this is why I split & am not looking for another useless waste of oxygen - single life is infinitely better & you get some weekend off!

This 100%. I have 2 " failed " relationships behind me. Both with kids. Thing is, it wasn't me that failed. I succeeded in refusing to tolerate shitty behaviour. Yes I'm not very financially well off blabla but my kids are happy and I'm not angry and upset all the time at having to put up with a wanker. I'm so much better off single.

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GooseyDiLoosey · 25/06/2023 13:42

My DP actually probably does more than me. He does all cooking (he enjoys it and if anything I miss cooking a bit as I used to enjoy it) and fills and emptied dishwasher majority of the time (as he’s in the kitchen more). Other stuff he does if prompted – vacuuming, mopping, bathroom, etc. – and we’ll do those together. We don’t have kids but he happily takes the dog out if I’m busy or whatever, probably does it slightly more than me. He also brings me a coffee first thing.

(On the flip side, it’d be nice if he took the initiative more – do sometimes feel like if I never pushed for us to arrange, buy, decorate, plan things they might not happen. But overall don’t feel like there’s an imbalance in the amount of stuff we each do.)

Get the feeling he may be a rarity but there are decent non-lazy guys out there!

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IronCurtain · 25/06/2023 13:42

It’s also not our reality OP but I know what you mean, I’ve seen it happen so often, especially when kids arrive on the scene.

For me two things have meant we did not end up in the same situation:
— I properly paid attention earlier in our relationship to how we could tackle disagreements or misaligned expectations. With previous boyfriends, if we couldn’t have an open chat about whatever was wrong, come up with a plan on how to fix it and then follow through, I’d know they weren’t the person for me. I’m not interested in having to ‘argue’ my way in a relationship, especially not when it comes to the dull domestic chores. I want to be able to discuss, agree a compromise and move the fuck on to more exciting stuff.
— we were both very aware of how easy it is for the mum to become the default parent during maternity leave and for that dynamic to stick. So we came up with a plan to alternate who the parent in charge is. It’s very deliberate and it means we’re both equally involved in our kids’ lives. The parent in charge carries the mental load, the other is the supporting act. And then we swap. We’re lucky that our jobs make it quite obvious when the switching points are

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Secondwindplease · 25/06/2023 13:43

My husband is a full and equal partner in our marriage and that’s no coincidence - it’s what I sought out in a partner and it’s what I’ve demanded every day since.

Are the women saddled with these hopeless men not screening for red flags early on? Do they not do a trial run pre-kids to see if they’ve accidentally met a man child? Do they not sit down and talk about things like shared parental leave in advance of pregnancy, so that both partners get used to being the primary carer and domestic manager? If their partner is constantly dropping balls, why don’t they just leave them where they are or, better still, leave him? I honestly don’t understand women who pick up after men, just why would you?

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