DH will divorce me if I join the police force

[KoalaBe]

I've been offered an opportunity to join the police force (family liaison type thing, rather than on the beat, if it makes any difference).

DH won't have it. We've been together for 16 years (I'm 32 and he's 38).

He says he will divorce me as he "hates the police." I asked him who he'd phone if someone broke in to our house and he's stormed off to bed in a bad mood after shouting at me.

I currently work from home and I'm here 24/7. I need to get out and do something for myself. Aibu or is this a really bad idea?

Sounds like you don't have the same core values.
I'd leave the ball in his court.

Please take the job. As the years go on his behaviour will get worse and the younger you are the easier it is to start again. He has you where he wants you which is not ok. Apart from not liking the police force he probably thinks that the majority of employees are male and i suspect that doesn't sit well with him.

Id like to be a fly on the wall in the solicitors office when he has the conversation .

Don't think joining the police qualifies as grounds for a divorce. But controlling unteasonable behaviour does...
Think hard though. Its a tough route to take if everything else is good in the marriage. Maybe look at volunteering at a foodbank to get you out of house or another job option.
Good luck op.

Meh. People can leave relationships for whatever reason they like. 'We don't share fundamental values' is as good as any.

Well, she would be around male police officers, so I can understand why he would have a safety concern...

Why would OP want to volunteer at a food bank?
Honestly what a weird suggestion.

Why does he hate the police? I'm guessing not because they're a sexist racist institution -- as if it was, good people like you joining especially in essential community roles like family liaison are the ones who can change the culture from the inside.

Also, anti sexists don't tend to try to control their partners or put limits on their ambitions.

I would try to talk about the role with him in detail and why it's so essential, what a great part you'll be playing in your community.

And if he continues to behave like an absolute twat I would reconsider your relationship.

"
He doesn't like it when I go out without telling him where I am/ when I'll be back. I know that's normal to a certain extent but I'm not sure if I'm overreacting."

This is not normal. Not at all.

My DH and I trust each other and we roughly know where we are on any given day but not all the time, and the only reason we share what time we'll be back is due to managing childcare. If we don't need to be back, we don't give each other a time - why would we?

I think he seems very, very controlling and maybe you've got used to it as they relationship has been your whole adult life and it's crept in over time

Do what is right for you OP. Noone should tell you what you can or cannot do.

He can then decide what he wants to do.

Human free will is an attribute we should all cherish.

Like any job there’s good and bad, what do you do? I expect there’s good and bad there.

Take the job.. build up the pension...

I can understand hating the police, can understand why you might not want a family member working with them. This does not justify the response and behaviour, and I think there are wider issues with DH. Probably another example of the downsides of a boarding school education and its impact throughout life.

I was also going to suggest this. The more non racist, non misogynistic, non abusive people who join them the better the police force will become.

I'm not going to tell you my profession. But I can tell you now we don't run round using our accreditation to rape and kill women. We don't harass and assault black people for shits and giggles. We don't assume fake identities and engage in completely false sexual relationships with women and pretend it counts as work.

It takes a fuck of a lot for a government to describe one of its own agencies as institutionally racist and sexist. The police are beyond redemption and in a category of their own.

If you do as he wishes and don't join the police for the sake of your marriage, will you be able to look back at your life in 10, 15 years time and not have any regrets? Will you still be happily married in 10, 15 years time knowing that he has stopped you starting a career of your own?

I would divorce his miserable, controlling arse and live your life.

Totally agree. Especially a police role where hours are not predictable and would have a significant effect on everyone else, including your partner and any children. I would never have children with someone involved in the police, not because I'm controlling but because I want consistency and to know my partner is in a safe role.
DH works from home, I would support most job changes (including those that meant he worked outside the home) but not him joining the police

How are you going in directly as a FLO?

I thought your post was going to be all about not wanting you to join the police as everyone is having affairs (they are) so it took a surprising turn for me.

It’s your life, you do what you want.

His response sounds a bit immature but I can see why there would be resons not to want a partner in the police, especially the Met. Having worked with the police, I wouldn't have a relationship with someone who was in the police either

@pinkginfizz9
??
Literally in the OP. She writes their ages and how long they've been together. A 22yr old man has no business dating a child, ever.

I would think long and hard about joining the police. I was in it for almost 30 years and it is deeply misogynistic. By no means not all are like that, but it is so ingrained that people in the organisation don't even see it. I left on a medical, with PTSD as a result of how I had been treated. IME dealing with the public is the easy, rewarding part, even when it is challenging. Internally, it is deeply toxic. I became quite senior and thought I could make a difference - I couldn't. They treat their staff like shit and provide only lip service to pledges of how they value staff, code of ethics, support whistleblowers etc.

FLO is a demanding role with a high level of burnout, and I assume if you are going straight into that you are not joining as an officer but as a member of staff? If my daughter, friend or sister was thinking of making the same move I would be telling them to think long and hard about it.

Your DH's reaction is a different matter though. He may well have legitimate reasons for being worried, but he hasn't communicated them with you at all well, and throwing ultimatums around along with the other information you have provided suggests that he is controlling towards you.

Divorce him instead. He sounds controlling, jealous and nasty about you wanting to pursue your own career.

Family liaison is a very worthwhile thing to do, and an important role - it’s hardly chucking people in to the back of police vans.

Do not let him put you off doing this: you’ll regret it for decades and it’ll make you resentful. Tell him you’re doing it, the end.

Ok then 🤦‍♀️

So if the unthinkable happened and some bloody awful crime happened to you, you'd bypass the police because of your views on them? You'd just phone a local PI 🕵️‍♀️ to find the perpetrator? Of course you wouldn't!

Let's not pretend that these things aren't inherent in every single walk of life...because they are!!! Racism, misogyny, corruption...whatever!!! It's in every single walk of life! Politics, the church, the NHS, education, large and small business institutions...the only way you'd possibly avoid being tainted by these things is if you worked for yourself and never left home!

And by the way, good men support their wives careers and interests, they don’t threaten them with divorce for not toeing the line.